As I have described in details my challenges being in-between deaf-blind in this blog, a new added dimension of challenge has been added. Although I have had kidney disease for 32 years, I was at a low toxic level that the affects were minimal. I couldn't become a professional athlete, but I was still highly functional that it didn't slow me down. About two years ago, my kidney function took a nose dive to a scary level. I just hover above being put on a transplant list. The zone where you are not bad enough, but your health is affected greatly. I am fatigued and in a fog most of the time, I had thought if I just ate better, took more iron pills or rested more, it would go away. Not quite that easy. I had to find something to keep me going, a focus that could make the challenges be in the background. Ironically, it was something that was with me all along. They had more to give to fulfill my life.
Kidney disease is complex. Your life changes drastically and even when you finally understand this, the daily management of your life needs to be micromanaged to the day, the hour, or to the minute. Life is managed to every single item in my day. I need to carefully watch what I eat. If I decide to deviate from that, with the mindset of "oh this one time won't hurt," I pay for it dearly. I have to watch my activity level. If I use a muscle, joint or even a bone too much, I'm in pain for a few days. Pain, nausea and fatigue are nearly daily. I live in a fog that I have to use a lot of mental power to overcome. My clear thinking fades in and out. Any mental energy left over is used to overcome my barriers in my vision or hearing. Creatinine, one of the toxins that builds up in your body with kidney disease, causes memory lapse and focus problems. Every day, frequently at work, I have to redirect myself to get back on task. It is micromanaging myself. This never was an issue before since I had a talent to focus before. Concentration is difficult. I get burned out daily trying to over come these additional obstacles from kidney disease. I keep going. Where I find the drive? I have no idea, because my performance at work isn't that pizazz I once had. I have always thrived to be an over achiever. Today those efforts are not apparent to people. I'm putting out more energy now, but my results are not what they once were. This is hard, very hard on the psyche. Life and social acceptance is about performance and how well you socialize in the politics. I just don't have that ability anymore. That's hard to swallow when you were so use to impressing before, as I no longer stand out. It is crucial that I find my own joy, find my own world and I have found it, it has been with me all along.
When you solve one issue, one comes right after quickly that you don't have time to rest or put it aside, you must deal with it now. This means you prioritize your life. This also means you will irritate others around you. When you had the energy and focus before to fix things or smooth things over, it now has to be tossed aside. Your focus now is survival. No longer can you have social graces anymore.You have to watch your energy meter.
Cover up becomes a default behavior. This is social survival. You can't let people know how bad off you are or they start patronizing you, judging you or demeaning you. They see you look fine, and think you are trying to milk it, or gain more attention. The attention I want is to feel normal. I'm trying hard to regain what I had and it is falling apart. I learned how to cover up, unknowingly as a disabled child to fit in to the world. People expect you to act or perform a certain way, and when you don't, you are labeled socially inept, or someone that isn't apart of the "in group". Even though we think if "in group" as in middle school or high school, I find adults still follow these social patterns of their rules of accepting or rejecting you. Adults can be brutal. So with this adversity, I must seek joy. I need to create my own life and my own haven.
It sucks I can't hold myself together. I have a full-time job, that for someone with my disabilities is really challenging. I need every impulse of energy to focus on trying to be productive. I come home exhausted. This exhaustion is met with despair as my house has so much clutter, I become overwhelmed. I can't keep up with regular maintenance of my house. I remember how in college, what a neat freak I was and kept everything in order. Now I can't.
Doing nothing isn't apart of my nature, but when you are this spent, it starts to become apart of your life. This vicious cycle of feeling horribly guilty for not doing, not cleaning a house that is so overwhelmingly messed up, and the need to sit and rest. I now have to accept doing nothing as apart of my life now. Getting over this reality took a long time. Admitting this enables me to manage myself better. So many times I would get up to clean, to only have fatigue set in and I wanted to sit down. Sit down in a house so messy I dissociated from my life.
My life right now has changed drastically that I have to carefully plan enjoyment in my life. Most enjoyment has been sucked out of my life. I'm burned out of life because I need to put even more effort in extracting joy in my life. With the combination of vision and hearing loss along with Kidney disease, I now feel like a handicapped person. I've had to learn the meaning "work smarter, not harder" to feel life is worth living. It is sad that my life now is about "is it worth living"? Oh no worries, I'm not thinking of suicide and far from it. I just have to work harder in finding joy than ever before. Joy was easy to find before, now I have a mange myself appropriately and plan carefully for joy in my life.
Some days I'm not with joy. Finding and managing joy is exhausting work. I give myself a rest. During these times I noticed people tend to be a bit distance or judgmental of me. I have no energy to tend to them to smooth things over. I'm spent and because I'm human, I'm cranky and my tolerance level is low. This means I have a very small pool of friends. Before, I could over come barriers, I could find that extra umph to connect to others. I had the energy to please other people. I don't have the energy to please other people anymore. Sadly, if I am to connect to others, they need to come reach out me. Which very few people are willing to do. They think I'm "normal" and how dare I expect them to do the work, but they have no idea how spent I am.
My social life is predominately on-line. Some would say that is sad, but when you fight fatigue, it is a blessing to have it. Sadly, my writing suffers more and more each day. I also notice that I'm becoming more of a social outcast. When I think I'm writing a certain way, people are taking it another way. Editing is exhausting for me now. It is a state of exasperation of I don't have the energy to read or write well, but I want to socialize. No one understands, they just make judgements. Then I'm in isolation again.
I keep trying to find light. Something to keep me going, something to look forward to in life. I have had dogs for 27 years, and they have been a big part of my life. I never realized they could give me more joy I had been seeking. While everything around me was falling apart, they were there to give more. My activities with them in nose work, is so meaningful. I tried competition obedience, but it left me frustrated. Mostly the precision and perfectionism got to me. I needed a sport to enable me to measure my progress. A dog sport that I like and my dogs love. I found Nose Work. A civilian sport that simulates drug or bomb detection dogs. The dogs search for an essential oil of either Birch, Anise or Clove. Each competition level has a level of hides and problems for the dogs to sort out.
Doing Nose Work makes me feel I can do something when the rest of my life feels like it is falling apart. I post often about my Nose Work activities on Facebook because it is the one thing that makes me feel I'm not completely handicapped. It gets me out the door and moving my body with purpose. It enables me to feel I still have a life and something to live for while I struggle with kidney disease. This focus enables me to over come travel, over come my vision, over come my hearing, and over come fatigue. My vision does interfere with how I work with my dogs in Nose Work, but I truly believe there are ways around this, I just have to find that right magic. I know it is there and I will feel that i have tapped into something marvelous. My dogs are my life. They enable me to feel the joy that has been robbed from me. Being successful with them enables me to feel less handicapped. It makes fighting kidney disease easier, that life has meaning again. There is hope and i found my life.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Sunday, January 27, 2013
The ups and downs and all around.
Having consistent energy is a blessing. When you have a few days of exhilarating energy, you feel on top of the world. Everything moves smoothly and falls into place. Life takes little effort. People look at you like you have it all together. You feel good about yourself.....at least for those few days. Then your cyclic energy levels take a crash. Your joints are a low level ache, your body feels like it is moving through a Molasses vat. Just a few weeks ago the things you did, didn't take 2-3 times longer. Your veins feel like sludge is moving through them, enabling you from being quick on your feet. Moving takes a lot of effort and mental push. Your thought process is slow, you forget some things, you are looked at kind of strangely like you are not with it. People back off from you, thinking you are weird. Especially if they saw you a month ago being the exuberant energizer bunny. They think you are milking it, that what you are going through is just a little slow down and you should be able to over come it. They don't realize how numb and lack of energy you feel right now. Like having a heavy cold and you don't want to move, but you know you are not sick with a cold. What is this? Why this drastic cycle? Can't I just feel me for a year and have maybe a week I don't feel so hot? Is that really too much to ask? Ok, then how about 3 weeks of bad and the rest I feel alive? Why is that not possible?
You miss key points and people think you are stupid. You know you are better than the way people treat you. Your in sync-ness is just not there. Your ability to blend with people is gone. You know you are a marvel trying to fight through this fatigue that so few understand. They don't care, they just see you as substandard. People have expectations that they must be around people like them. They see someone slow down, there is something wrong with them. They walk away, instead of getting to know you.
You know you do way too much in your life for your energy level, but you don't want your life to be work and sleep. You want to do other things to keep life interesting. You can't keep up with the rest, even the average, so you drag. Those days you do well you jump at them. Those small times that give you hope again you are a normal human. That you can and are capable. That people could possibly treat you as an equal, but they don't.
The people who do well get in their little cliques, while they brush you aside as substandard. You get this over and over and over....it wears on you. It is hard not to really hate people. You try to focus on positive strength, and ignore the ignorant judgement of others. You wish they could be in your shoes for 3 months, while you get to have their "average" body, which seems like the world opened up to you. The heavy wait, the joint aches, the slow movements are gone. I don't want to be perfect, for me being average is good enough. Average I can at least work towards being great because me is great, my body just gives out. As much as I wish I could have another body, I can't. I have to learn how to rise above with what I have. I know I work harder, nobody sees it. It is exhausting. It is so hard to keep up with people and then I'm faced with exerting energy to keep up, or let it slide to conserve energy so I can feel normal and not overly fatigue.
I know if I could have the health and body to enable to show my full potential. It feels so awful being trapped. I walk, I function, then people say, you can always find someone worse. How does that help me? I'm still treated as substandard? I go out to workshops, no one wants to "hang" with me, they do their little chit chat, but don't include me. So I learn to walk away. Too much effort to try and hear and too much effort to remind them all the time. They don't understand how painful and loosing connection this is for me. Such a hard lesson what I have had to learn to accept. It is hard not to hate people. I use a lot of energy every day to think positive. I keep trying to do what I can and remind myself that those ignorant people are very clueless how much you overcome. If they knew, they would marvel at you. But instead they look at you as a freak, while you are isolated an alone. Then your world becomes of yourself. You make your own happiness and make your own life without people. It hurts, but there is nothing that can be done. People want to stay ignorant. You even see how much more mature you are than them. How they dont' see it yet. They a re still stuck in status and popularity. People miss out. I grow from their mishaps.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
The health challenge
Anyone can go to a senior citizen rec room and listen to the old folks talk about their ailments, aches and pains. You would hear something like, "Oh, if you think that is bad, I have this." And around it goes all day long. Everyone has aches and pains and everyone has to get through something. One time or another, we are all have some kind of pain or ache story to tell. Sometimes, it just feels good to complain about it. Usually people will throw sympathy and that attention of social acceptance just makes you feel validated. But on the other hand, others will roll their eyes and snap, "Quit your complaining, I don't want to hear it!"
Regardless big or small, it is still something we have to learn how to deal. If we get more than one or two things occurring at once, it is more difficult to juggle. I got a scare almost several months back when my Triglycerides were 1173, where the value you want is 150 or less. My cholesterol was 362 and other values were not good as well. These values are telling me that there is thick sludge pumping through my veins. That fear that comes over me and I think, "am I going to croak?" Just before this test, I had slept for three days, wondering what was wrong with me. I had low energy. The blood test also revealed anemia, low Vitamin D and low calcium. Oh fun, anything else? Stress. I had a tight muscle that felt like I had a slip disk in my back. Although a later doctor appointment confirmed no. Then when lying in some grass at a dog training facility, I laid there for a good 10 minutes and my back popped and I felt much better. I then wondered if this was the problem? The next two nights I slept with no pain and didn't get woken up by upper back pain. Oh, I guess I better start going to a chiropractor. Never been to one, but looks like if I have something similar, I know where to go to solve the middle of the night pain.
Earlier this year I was side swiped by having decreased vision and hearing. But I wonder, could I just be so unhealthy now that the sludge running through my veins is affecting optimal performance of my hearing and vision? Could it be?
When your health is down, you don't function to your potential. I also notice that people start acting different around you, as if you are lazy or just need a good kick in the pants. I find it interesting people assume too quickly if you can't function like the average spectrum, they start treating you as if you don't matter. That you are a burden or a drag. You sense a bit of a distance from these people, making all the judgements like "oh get over yourself." Well hard to move normal when you have sludge running in your veins, less vision, less hearing and just over all exhausted from not enough iron and other minerals you need. People seem to get a little put off if they have to put more out for you. Like having toe explain something a bit more, or not understanding why you are not right on your game. People are so ignorantly critical.
I had been on Triglyceride medication, but it has caused other malfunctions of my muscle in my body. If I don't take such medication, I'm headed straight to pancreatitis. I'm one sick girl if I don't watch it. But with this inflammation throughout my body, it hurts to move. Thus, how can I exercise? I try to eat well but I have developed such an addiction to bad foods, this is not helping either. I'm a bit overwhelmed with how to get myself back. Trying to keep up with life has been daunting, exhausting, and exasperating. I try, I really try. Then fall and feel like I need to give up. Why? I miss feeling my bouncy exhilarating self. I need the extra energy to fill in what I can't see and hear to connect to my world. Instead, it is easier to hide, and sleep and do nothing.
Another one of my addictions is social media. I do not get out enough to socialize, so social media is it for me. But then it absorbs me where I am starting to not function and it is interfering not only with my life but my progress to better health. It allows me to escape my world that I know it. I can forget that my house is a mess, that I don't feel well, that I'm exhausted in the evenings. I now have a Place to escape all of what is going on.
Of course very few understand this. They think I"m just lazy, disorganized or something. Those who judge, have such luxury, but they don't realize they also create more oft he problem, the distance and push off vibes they give. This time more than every in my life, I need acceptance. But the true positive thinker I try to be, I think how does this help me? It helps me to find myself to build myself. Since the outside world doesn't understand, I have to create my own world of understanding.
But what I need to do, is how do I not take medication and get this horrific level of Triglycerides down? In that past when I did 2 hours of rigorous exercise, my blood chemistry looked good, but why do I have to do that much exercise? Today I don't want to get up and move. is sad since I was a person who loved to be on the go and move around. It isn't laziness, it is a physiological thing where my body is shutting down. My life depends on me changing.
The good news is things are shifting to the better, but not fast enough to get my body humming a great tune. Take one day at a time, write out my life schedule, and keep moving, that's what I need to do instead of shutting down, is take all mental ability to keep moving.
Regardless big or small, it is still something we have to learn how to deal. If we get more than one or two things occurring at once, it is more difficult to juggle. I got a scare almost several months back when my Triglycerides were 1173, where the value you want is 150 or less. My cholesterol was 362 and other values were not good as well. These values are telling me that there is thick sludge pumping through my veins. That fear that comes over me and I think, "am I going to croak?" Just before this test, I had slept for three days, wondering what was wrong with me. I had low energy. The blood test also revealed anemia, low Vitamin D and low calcium. Oh fun, anything else? Stress. I had a tight muscle that felt like I had a slip disk in my back. Although a later doctor appointment confirmed no. Then when lying in some grass at a dog training facility, I laid there for a good 10 minutes and my back popped and I felt much better. I then wondered if this was the problem? The next two nights I slept with no pain and didn't get woken up by upper back pain. Oh, I guess I better start going to a chiropractor. Never been to one, but looks like if I have something similar, I know where to go to solve the middle of the night pain.
Earlier this year I was side swiped by having decreased vision and hearing. But I wonder, could I just be so unhealthy now that the sludge running through my veins is affecting optimal performance of my hearing and vision? Could it be?
When your health is down, you don't function to your potential. I also notice that people start acting different around you, as if you are lazy or just need a good kick in the pants. I find it interesting people assume too quickly if you can't function like the average spectrum, they start treating you as if you don't matter. That you are a burden or a drag. You sense a bit of a distance from these people, making all the judgements like "oh get over yourself." Well hard to move normal when you have sludge running in your veins, less vision, less hearing and just over all exhausted from not enough iron and other minerals you need. People seem to get a little put off if they have to put more out for you. Like having toe explain something a bit more, or not understanding why you are not right on your game. People are so ignorantly critical.
I had been on Triglyceride medication, but it has caused other malfunctions of my muscle in my body. If I don't take such medication, I'm headed straight to pancreatitis. I'm one sick girl if I don't watch it. But with this inflammation throughout my body, it hurts to move. Thus, how can I exercise? I try to eat well but I have developed such an addiction to bad foods, this is not helping either. I'm a bit overwhelmed with how to get myself back. Trying to keep up with life has been daunting, exhausting, and exasperating. I try, I really try. Then fall and feel like I need to give up. Why? I miss feeling my bouncy exhilarating self. I need the extra energy to fill in what I can't see and hear to connect to my world. Instead, it is easier to hide, and sleep and do nothing.
Another one of my addictions is social media. I do not get out enough to socialize, so social media is it for me. But then it absorbs me where I am starting to not function and it is interfering not only with my life but my progress to better health. It allows me to escape my world that I know it. I can forget that my house is a mess, that I don't feel well, that I'm exhausted in the evenings. I now have a Place to escape all of what is going on.
Of course very few understand this. They think I"m just lazy, disorganized or something. Those who judge, have such luxury, but they don't realize they also create more oft he problem, the distance and push off vibes they give. This time more than every in my life, I need acceptance. But the true positive thinker I try to be, I think how does this help me? It helps me to find myself to build myself. Since the outside world doesn't understand, I have to create my own world of understanding.
But what I need to do, is how do I not take medication and get this horrific level of Triglycerides down? In that past when I did 2 hours of rigorous exercise, my blood chemistry looked good, but why do I have to do that much exercise? Today I don't want to get up and move. is sad since I was a person who loved to be on the go and move around. It isn't laziness, it is a physiological thing where my body is shutting down. My life depends on me changing.
The good news is things are shifting to the better, but not fast enough to get my body humming a great tune. Take one day at a time, write out my life schedule, and keep moving, that's what I need to do instead of shutting down, is take all mental ability to keep moving.
Sunday, December 02, 2012
Cultural Diversity
We think of Cultural Diversity as a diverse group of people people in one place where they come from different geographical areas like other countries. We see them with growing up in a different way, with a different language, different customs, different morals, different communication skills, different clothing, etc. even the way they learned how to approach people is very different. If they move to a place that is different from where they grew up, they may experience a culture shock. They could think people are rude, cold or insensitive. The other observation could happen too, that the new place could be really nice, open, and freer than what they grew up with as a child. Either way, it can be rather overwhelming. Culture shock can be experienced by the country girl on a farm, moving to the big city or vise versa, the tough city girl moving to the country.
Wikipedia has an overview of: Culture Diversity:
"The many separate societies that emerged around the globe differed markedly from each other, and many of these differences persist to this day. As well as the more obvious cultural differences that exist between people, such as language, dress and traditions, there are also significant variations in the way societies organize themselves, in their shared conception of morality, and in the ways they interact with their environment. Cultural diversity can be seen as analogous to biodiversity.[1]"
I can't shake the thought that perhaps, a person with a disability is more someone that has a cultural difference. The reason I ponder this from the way society treats disabled individuals as outsiders. Depending on the disability, they approach communication in a different way; they read in a different way; they socialize in a different way; they walk in a different way; and they process information in a different way. Do we need to view a disability as not an able person but yet their approach in life is different from the average person? Just like not everyone can be a brain surgeon or rocket scientist. Not becoming one doesn't make a person lesser in society. Talents lie on a spectrum and to be exceptionally talented in one area, they are probably dysfunctional in another. That's normal. This si true in a social world, a person that doesn't fit in a particular group doesn't mean they are socially dysfunctional. One group cuold be more right brain creative, while another group is seriously factual with correctness. Two different approaches of communication. Neither one is more correct than the other. They are just different. However, one side will look at the other as weird, stupid or crazy. So why do people put down or look down on those who function different?
A person with a disability may have a limitation in a particular function. Some people may not see the limitation and it can be hidden well. Out of sight, out of mind, then for some it just doesn't exist. They can socially and culturally fit in. Others cannot hide the disability. .
Socially, it is politically correct to accept a person with a disability, but there are still social protocols. I can't explain it, but most people know it. Kind of the who's in and who's not type of social complexities.
An inability can be over looked. It can depend how the person handles themselves. It is so difficult to pinpoint what is culturally or socially accepted and what is not. If someone battles with fatigue it can be misinterpreted as lazy or slow. Someone who is trying to "milk the system." We may not in reality know how much effort they are putting out. Like one person is swimming in something thinner than water, while another person it is like trying to swim in molasses. The latter person is putting out 3-4 times the energy the person swimming in thinner than water, while the person moving as if they are swimming in molasses is looked at as slow, not up to par. The former person is showing speed, quickness that gets everyone's attention. They think they are really something, while they snub the other person as lazy. Outside appearances are what people see.
In general, people do not like slow. They have to see reason and even if they actually see the reason why someone is slow, there is still a certain attitude of lack of ability. They have to be extremely exceptional in other areas to over come their limitation that is so visual. People sometimes mix helping someone with patronization in these situations.
Humans like to categorize. They also like to label. They meet a certain type of person from another country and subconsciously will think all people from that country act or do that way. It is almost instantaneous.It is the same for when someone meets a deaf person, they think they a re all the same and you accommodate them all the same. Just as if someone meets one blind person, they think they are all the same. Not all blind know Braille, not all blind are totally blind, some have a little sight with each person seeing a little bit different. You cannot assume all blind people are the same. They have a distinct culture among them, but they have individual needs related to their blindness. Putting labels on a person doesn't allow the person to tell their story and limits in you getting to know them.
Sometimes a word or a description puts a label on a person.For a few decades, the disabled community has been trying to come up with a word or term that gives a person with a disability empowerment. Originally the term was handicapped, but that term became poisoned because it meant something sickeningly pathetic to certain people. The term handicapped had such a negative connotation that society labeled all disabled in the same category and ostracized them from society. Let's segregate, shun and keep them away from us. So Handicapped was a bad term, let's change it to try and make a person with a limitation more human. The term that was put in its place disabled. Ironically, dis means away from, so disabled means away from being abled. Isn't that a worse term than handicapped? The interesting thing is culture and human society is what poisoned the word handicapped. Today the word disabled is becoming poisoned as well. A person that is less than. That negative connotation is surfacing, "oh yeah that law says we have to hire disabled." Bad association. Two jobs I was hired for, when the "office" found out a disabled person was hired. A wave of a negative "gossip" spread through the office before my first day. Imagine, people already making an assumptions, putting a negative label on me, before they ever met me. What were they really revolting? The term? The disability? They heard a description and term of me, and made assumptions. I wouldn't be an equal player.
As for terms, many people feel language is extremely important, but will attitudes and perceptions undo any word that is chosen to describe a disabled person? When can the human be looked at as a HUMAN regardless of any function they do and do not have? Isn't this how we raise a community to accept people and seek their strengths, rather than focus on a lack of ability in a certain area? Focus on what a person can do will create progress forward and gives empowerment to all.
Why is function so important in a civilized community today? It isn't like we all have to hunt for food and someone who cannot hunt big game or weave a basket is lessor. Look at Stephen Hawkins and what he contributes to society with his knowledge of astrophysics? He has a severe loss of function with his body, not his mind. Not every disabled person can be a genius in physics, but one shouldn't have to be extraordinarily exceptional to be accepted as capable or considered a human being in our society.
Are the disabled viewed as sick? What allows people to look down on a disabled person? That we must patronize and shun to feel ok and safe? Talcott Parson's concept of sick people talks about how doctors will treat sick people different. His article, "The Sick Role and the Role of the Physician Reconsidered." The caring role turns some people into being a bit patronizing.
Perception of people also is changed as they see the fund raisers for Muscular Dystrophy and in the old days, Jerry Lewis would help with the fund raising efforts. Oh these poor, poor children. This advertisement of patronizing this disabled group. Although money was raised, what perception was created? The more they could show how pathetic the situation these children had to live, the more they could get the money to roll in. The "poster" child of sadness to tug on people's hearts to donate money. How did this help the disabled community as a whole? I know many disabled people resented these high profile fund raisers. That is a whole new topic in itself, but for the sake of here, what perceptions towards disabled individuals was created? Most would say they did more harm than good.
This type of awareness can bring too much negative attention. Similarly when work places focus on sensitivity training for the disabled. People will become resentful, why do we have to make them so special? Understanding is what is wanted, but the perception is negative attention. Perhaps if we could do more a cultural difference type of sensitivity training to include all groups from all races, culture, types of people and put disabled humans in there without calling them disabled. Show they are culturally different and how they have to be creative in how they function in the world. Not to be put off by their differences. Perhaps this could bring it together, rather than focusing on "disability" and how pathetic it is.
Even some churches view people with a disability has being punished by God. Which is rather narrow thinking. Even some new age thinkers says that a person who is disabled wanted to be that way. That everything is all generated by our thoughts. I think our thoughts are powerful, but I do believe this is going a bit too far to say we chose our disability, we chose our parents etc. This segregates a disabled person more from society, that we wanted to be outcasts. In all nature, and human survival, we have a need to belong to a community for survival. We inherently want to be included, even psychology will point out that people have the need to be in a group, be it group, family, cult, gang etc. So, I do not follow the belief a disabled person chose to be disabled. Some people wish they were disabled as they think the disabled community gets a lot of perks, but if they did become disabled, they would soon find out quickly, it is not a big happy party.
A variety of perceptions out there and how to change them will be difficult. But my first movement to go in a positive direction is to say that a disability is more of a cultural difference.
Who should be included under the cultural difference umbrella? Only those who are 100% blind or 100% deaf? Cannot walk at all? What about those who are in-between? Not deaf, not blind, but hard-of-hearing or partially sighted? They have more function than someone who has a complete hearing loss or vision loss, but not quote equal to a fully sighted or fully hearing person. They have to modify, change and be creative in how they accomplish tasks with partial sight and partial hearing. Many times the in-between person's limitation is invisible. People do not see the struggle or the obstacles they must go through, but they notice something is different. They just can't put their finger on it. Creating a cultural difference. When a person talks about their disability, the non disabled community will think they are milking the system with their "mild" loss, not realizing they could have a severe loss. Mostly because they cannot see it. I'm not saying that there are not people out there milking the system. There exist and cause more trouble for the people who work hard to appear normal and function the best they can. Again, people making assumptions and labels. Get to know the person before making the label. Know their culture, their abilities and how they function before makign such an assumption.
But even if someone can't see the disability, why does society have a hard time grasping the in-between? They seem to think that you are either 100% disabled, or not. That being in-between doesn't have its challenges. Missing out 50% of what people say, isn't a disability. Getting only 50% of a conversations, you are missing a huge portion and probably misunderstanding the conversation. That is a huge disadvantage.Some of those with a hearing loss get the, "Oh you hear when you want to" comment from hearing people. Like hearing on an amplified phone is proves you can "hear" when trying to hear someone across the table from you in a noisy restaurant where your hearing aids pick up more background noise than the person talking, you are faking your hearing loss because you can't hear them. The communication shuts down. The person with the hearing loss can't hear and the other person assumes attitude or social personality flaw. Similarly to someone who is culturally different.
When we can set aside the label and get to know the person and their culture, a whole new world of understanding. When someone emerges themselves into deaf culture or into learning how to volunteer for the blind, they see the person, not the disability. Soon, terms like disability disintegrate and the individual and their uniqueness from others with disabilities is seen. This is similar to being able to see the variety species of flowers or little critters in the vast large forest, rather than just seeing the forest at a distance. Instead of saying that's the forest and keeping at a distance, walk up, keep eyes open, explore, interact and a whole new understanding forms. It is about getting to know a person. Building a relationship that can be professional, friendship, or intimate. Then the term disability is gone, forgotten, because the person opened up and got to know the person. No segregation, categorizing, assumptions and labeling. Just as people have narrow thoughts, these narrow thoughts and prejudices trap a person. They must over come enormous barriers and are limited to where they can intermingle, because most people keep those labels and prejudices in their minds and can't open their minds to learn about all kinds of people.
Wikipedia has an overview of: Culture Diversity:
"The many separate societies that emerged around the globe differed markedly from each other, and many of these differences persist to this day. As well as the more obvious cultural differences that exist between people, such as language, dress and traditions, there are also significant variations in the way societies organize themselves, in their shared conception of morality, and in the ways they interact with their environment. Cultural diversity can be seen as analogous to biodiversity.[1]"
I can't shake the thought that perhaps, a person with a disability is more someone that has a cultural difference. The reason I ponder this from the way society treats disabled individuals as outsiders. Depending on the disability, they approach communication in a different way; they read in a different way; they socialize in a different way; they walk in a different way; and they process information in a different way. Do we need to view a disability as not an able person but yet their approach in life is different from the average person? Just like not everyone can be a brain surgeon or rocket scientist. Not becoming one doesn't make a person lesser in society. Talents lie on a spectrum and to be exceptionally talented in one area, they are probably dysfunctional in another. That's normal. This si true in a social world, a person that doesn't fit in a particular group doesn't mean they are socially dysfunctional. One group cuold be more right brain creative, while another group is seriously factual with correctness. Two different approaches of communication. Neither one is more correct than the other. They are just different. However, one side will look at the other as weird, stupid or crazy. So why do people put down or look down on those who function different?
A person with a disability may have a limitation in a particular function. Some people may not see the limitation and it can be hidden well. Out of sight, out of mind, then for some it just doesn't exist. They can socially and culturally fit in. Others cannot hide the disability. .
Socially, it is politically correct to accept a person with a disability, but there are still social protocols. I can't explain it, but most people know it. Kind of the who's in and who's not type of social complexities.
An inability can be over looked. It can depend how the person handles themselves. It is so difficult to pinpoint what is culturally or socially accepted and what is not. If someone battles with fatigue it can be misinterpreted as lazy or slow. Someone who is trying to "milk the system." We may not in reality know how much effort they are putting out. Like one person is swimming in something thinner than water, while another person it is like trying to swim in molasses. The latter person is putting out 3-4 times the energy the person swimming in thinner than water, while the person moving as if they are swimming in molasses is looked at as slow, not up to par. The former person is showing speed, quickness that gets everyone's attention. They think they are really something, while they snub the other person as lazy. Outside appearances are what people see.
In general, people do not like slow. They have to see reason and even if they actually see the reason why someone is slow, there is still a certain attitude of lack of ability. They have to be extremely exceptional in other areas to over come their limitation that is so visual. People sometimes mix helping someone with patronization in these situations.
Humans like to categorize. They also like to label. They meet a certain type of person from another country and subconsciously will think all people from that country act or do that way. It is almost instantaneous.It is the same for when someone meets a deaf person, they think they a re all the same and you accommodate them all the same. Just as if someone meets one blind person, they think they are all the same. Not all blind know Braille, not all blind are totally blind, some have a little sight with each person seeing a little bit different. You cannot assume all blind people are the same. They have a distinct culture among them, but they have individual needs related to their blindness. Putting labels on a person doesn't allow the person to tell their story and limits in you getting to know them.
Sometimes a word or a description puts a label on a person.For a few decades, the disabled community has been trying to come up with a word or term that gives a person with a disability empowerment. Originally the term was handicapped, but that term became poisoned because it meant something sickeningly pathetic to certain people. The term handicapped had such a negative connotation that society labeled all disabled in the same category and ostracized them from society. Let's segregate, shun and keep them away from us. So Handicapped was a bad term, let's change it to try and make a person with a limitation more human. The term that was put in its place disabled. Ironically, dis means away from, so disabled means away from being abled. Isn't that a worse term than handicapped? The interesting thing is culture and human society is what poisoned the word handicapped. Today the word disabled is becoming poisoned as well. A person that is less than. That negative connotation is surfacing, "oh yeah that law says we have to hire disabled." Bad association. Two jobs I was hired for, when the "office" found out a disabled person was hired. A wave of a negative "gossip" spread through the office before my first day. Imagine, people already making an assumptions, putting a negative label on me, before they ever met me. What were they really revolting? The term? The disability? They heard a description and term of me, and made assumptions. I wouldn't be an equal player.
As for terms, many people feel language is extremely important, but will attitudes and perceptions undo any word that is chosen to describe a disabled person? When can the human be looked at as a HUMAN regardless of any function they do and do not have? Isn't this how we raise a community to accept people and seek their strengths, rather than focus on a lack of ability in a certain area? Focus on what a person can do will create progress forward and gives empowerment to all.
Why is function so important in a civilized community today? It isn't like we all have to hunt for food and someone who cannot hunt big game or weave a basket is lessor. Look at Stephen Hawkins and what he contributes to society with his knowledge of astrophysics? He has a severe loss of function with his body, not his mind. Not every disabled person can be a genius in physics, but one shouldn't have to be extraordinarily exceptional to be accepted as capable or considered a human being in our society.
Are the disabled viewed as sick? What allows people to look down on a disabled person? That we must patronize and shun to feel ok and safe? Talcott Parson's concept of sick people talks about how doctors will treat sick people different. His article, "The Sick Role and the Role of the Physician Reconsidered." The caring role turns some people into being a bit patronizing.
Perception of people also is changed as they see the fund raisers for Muscular Dystrophy and in the old days, Jerry Lewis would help with the fund raising efforts. Oh these poor, poor children. This advertisement of patronizing this disabled group. Although money was raised, what perception was created? The more they could show how pathetic the situation these children had to live, the more they could get the money to roll in. The "poster" child of sadness to tug on people's hearts to donate money. How did this help the disabled community as a whole? I know many disabled people resented these high profile fund raisers. That is a whole new topic in itself, but for the sake of here, what perceptions towards disabled individuals was created? Most would say they did more harm than good.
This type of awareness can bring too much negative attention. Similarly when work places focus on sensitivity training for the disabled. People will become resentful, why do we have to make them so special? Understanding is what is wanted, but the perception is negative attention. Perhaps if we could do more a cultural difference type of sensitivity training to include all groups from all races, culture, types of people and put disabled humans in there without calling them disabled. Show they are culturally different and how they have to be creative in how they function in the world. Not to be put off by their differences. Perhaps this could bring it together, rather than focusing on "disability" and how pathetic it is.
Even some churches view people with a disability has being punished by God. Which is rather narrow thinking. Even some new age thinkers says that a person who is disabled wanted to be that way. That everything is all generated by our thoughts. I think our thoughts are powerful, but I do believe this is going a bit too far to say we chose our disability, we chose our parents etc. This segregates a disabled person more from society, that we wanted to be outcasts. In all nature, and human survival, we have a need to belong to a community for survival. We inherently want to be included, even psychology will point out that people have the need to be in a group, be it group, family, cult, gang etc. So, I do not follow the belief a disabled person chose to be disabled. Some people wish they were disabled as they think the disabled community gets a lot of perks, but if they did become disabled, they would soon find out quickly, it is not a big happy party.
A variety of perceptions out there and how to change them will be difficult. But my first movement to go in a positive direction is to say that a disability is more of a cultural difference.
Who should be included under the cultural difference umbrella? Only those who are 100% blind or 100% deaf? Cannot walk at all? What about those who are in-between? Not deaf, not blind, but hard-of-hearing or partially sighted? They have more function than someone who has a complete hearing loss or vision loss, but not quote equal to a fully sighted or fully hearing person. They have to modify, change and be creative in how they accomplish tasks with partial sight and partial hearing. Many times the in-between person's limitation is invisible. People do not see the struggle or the obstacles they must go through, but they notice something is different. They just can't put their finger on it. Creating a cultural difference. When a person talks about their disability, the non disabled community will think they are milking the system with their "mild" loss, not realizing they could have a severe loss. Mostly because they cannot see it. I'm not saying that there are not people out there milking the system. There exist and cause more trouble for the people who work hard to appear normal and function the best they can. Again, people making assumptions and labels. Get to know the person before making the label. Know their culture, their abilities and how they function before makign such an assumption.
But even if someone can't see the disability, why does society have a hard time grasping the in-between? They seem to think that you are either 100% disabled, or not. That being in-between doesn't have its challenges. Missing out 50% of what people say, isn't a disability. Getting only 50% of a conversations, you are missing a huge portion and probably misunderstanding the conversation. That is a huge disadvantage.Some of those with a hearing loss get the, "Oh you hear when you want to" comment from hearing people. Like hearing on an amplified phone is proves you can "hear" when trying to hear someone across the table from you in a noisy restaurant where your hearing aids pick up more background noise than the person talking, you are faking your hearing loss because you can't hear them. The communication shuts down. The person with the hearing loss can't hear and the other person assumes attitude or social personality flaw. Similarly to someone who is culturally different.
When we can set aside the label and get to know the person and their culture, a whole new world of understanding. When someone emerges themselves into deaf culture or into learning how to volunteer for the blind, they see the person, not the disability. Soon, terms like disability disintegrate and the individual and their uniqueness from others with disabilities is seen. This is similar to being able to see the variety species of flowers or little critters in the vast large forest, rather than just seeing the forest at a distance. Instead of saying that's the forest and keeping at a distance, walk up, keep eyes open, explore, interact and a whole new understanding forms. It is about getting to know a person. Building a relationship that can be professional, friendship, or intimate. Then the term disability is gone, forgotten, because the person opened up and got to know the person. No segregation, categorizing, assumptions and labeling. Just as people have narrow thoughts, these narrow thoughts and prejudices trap a person. They must over come enormous barriers and are limited to where they can intermingle, because most people keep those labels and prejudices in their minds and can't open their minds to learn about all kinds of people.
- Jody Ambrose Actually, not that I have tons of spare time, but I am kind of intrigued by your situation and would be kind if interested in writing something for publication. The bigger picture of your particular situation is that the rest of us, even the deaf or the blind, really can't imagine what it's like for you navigating day-to-day life. And my recent experience working with PTSD and TBI is similar, in that the "high functioning" cases are the ones that really struggle the most because the people around them consistently underestimate their difficulties and they feel so much pressure to maintain those expectations.
Christy Hill Oh man Heidi's Helpers Yes! why are we not evolved more? I felt that some years back it was easier. I wonder if the entitlement generation resents that "I'm special" and that they have to give me "special treatment" when all I'm asking is for accommodation.
Heidi's Helpers Jody, the unspolen pressure you mention is monumental and on a day to day basis takes a lot of 'recovery' and 'maintenance' time. Performance anxiety is so high to try to meet peole's mixed expecattions which are not clear. Higher-functioning or 'invisible' disabilities bring on complex self-esteem and self-determination consequences, that are in private and the mainstreamers do not see.- Christy Hill Jody Ambrose WOW! YES! Right on the money! You said it so well!!!!! I'm in grad school now in Negotiation, Conflict Resolution and Peace Building. my papers will focus on this topic. What can a disabled person do themselves to change their behaviors to be understood and have more inclusion.
- Christy Hill Heidi's Helpers what an awesome gem you just wrote. Head right on the nail! YES! SO well said!
- Heidi's Helpers sometimes onlookers are taken aback by a disabled person's "will to succeed, will to thrive." and judge them as not disabled, which is a set up for failure
Jody Ambrose Hell, I might be able to crib a pretty decent article just out of the comments in this thread.
- Christy Hill I need to get back in blog writing....but ugh have other things I need to do. Mickey's hide has "cooked" enough, so time to see if he finds his scent. We haven't done this in a few months.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Saturday, October 06, 2012
Everyone is different, so why does my different seems more different?
I always thought, the more I describe my disability, the more people would understand and I would be more accepted as an equal. I'm starting to believe the opposite is happening, where people either ostracize or avoid me more. That too much focus is being put on the differences I have from someone else. For some, it creates a bit of a hostility in a way that a disabled person is "special." There is a lot of confusion between special treatment and an accommodation. However, when someone misunderstands or has a difficult time communicating with me, I tend to want to explain. But some people resent this.
I have seen the attitudes of, "What makes you think you are so special?" As if a person with a limitation is asking for more than just trying to fit into this world and be an equal person. I realize a disabled person will sometimes get more attention. We are different, we work different, we process or approach things different. For some people, that is such a cool thing, for others it turns on their jealousy button. But here, the disability becomes a focus, where is the person? They get lost under the disability. Being admired for the disability or being resented. What happened to just accepting the person as a person? Can't they just get to know the human and then make the judgement?
A week or so ago, a mother posted on a list that she was requested to write a letter about her son's vision and hearing loss to the school. One person said, well ask if every other parent can write about their child and give that to you. I thought that was a great point. I later chimed in and said, "You have the power to write what ever you want. You don't have to write about the disability. You can write about how your child wants to be accepted and be apart of the school community just like anyone else."
Throughout the years getting to know classmates in college and co-workers in internships and jobs I have had, I found one thing to be consistent. The people who better accommodated me weren't the ones I explained to, but the ones who were open to meet me and get to know me as a human being. The ones I had issues with where the ones that were judgmental, closed minded and didn't try to get to know me.
I'm starting to understand that me explaining how to talk to me or work around me, I need to work with decent people. It is about attitude because with a person who is open with the right attitude, they will get it just by being around me. If something seems rude about me, don't take it as rude, but take it as perhaps something is going on. Do more investigation or learn, don't label. Think about a person who has a vision and hearing limitation. The two things we need to converse with another person. Think how they need to function in their environment. If you have average hearing and vision, there is no way you can even know how any person with a hearing and vision loss functions. In fact, each person that is deaf-blind varies. So what you learn with one person, is going to be completely different with another. So how can you assume you know?
The most challenging thing to try and intermingle or be apart of a social world is to try and get people to slightly change their behaviors so you can be apart of that social crowd or network. Some people think nothing of it to accommodate, while others think it to be either special treatment or a chore. They walk away and just do not want to deal with it. Honestly, it isn't that difficult. I grew up doing this with friends who had vision or hearing worse than mine.
All anyone wants to do is be accepted and apart of the community. Those with a hearing loss tend to have a slightly different culture than hearing people. Their way of communication is misunderstood and labeling leads to distancing themselves from the person, rather trying to understand the person. Be open, don't worry about doing anything wrong, connect with the person to learn about the individual. You might surprise yourself. You may learn something.
I have seen the attitudes of, "What makes you think you are so special?" As if a person with a limitation is asking for more than just trying to fit into this world and be an equal person. I realize a disabled person will sometimes get more attention. We are different, we work different, we process or approach things different. For some people, that is such a cool thing, for others it turns on their jealousy button. But here, the disability becomes a focus, where is the person? They get lost under the disability. Being admired for the disability or being resented. What happened to just accepting the person as a person? Can't they just get to know the human and then make the judgement?
A week or so ago, a mother posted on a list that she was requested to write a letter about her son's vision and hearing loss to the school. One person said, well ask if every other parent can write about their child and give that to you. I thought that was a great point. I later chimed in and said, "You have the power to write what ever you want. You don't have to write about the disability. You can write about how your child wants to be accepted and be apart of the school community just like anyone else."
Throughout the years getting to know classmates in college and co-workers in internships and jobs I have had, I found one thing to be consistent. The people who better accommodated me weren't the ones I explained to, but the ones who were open to meet me and get to know me as a human being. The ones I had issues with where the ones that were judgmental, closed minded and didn't try to get to know me.
I'm starting to understand that me explaining how to talk to me or work around me, I need to work with decent people. It is about attitude because with a person who is open with the right attitude, they will get it just by being around me. If something seems rude about me, don't take it as rude, but take it as perhaps something is going on. Do more investigation or learn, don't label. Think about a person who has a vision and hearing limitation. The two things we need to converse with another person. Think how they need to function in their environment. If you have average hearing and vision, there is no way you can even know how any person with a hearing and vision loss functions. In fact, each person that is deaf-blind varies. So what you learn with one person, is going to be completely different with another. So how can you assume you know?
The most challenging thing to try and intermingle or be apart of a social world is to try and get people to slightly change their behaviors so you can be apart of that social crowd or network. Some people think nothing of it to accommodate, while others think it to be either special treatment or a chore. They walk away and just do not want to deal with it. Honestly, it isn't that difficult. I grew up doing this with friends who had vision or hearing worse than mine.
All anyone wants to do is be accepted and apart of the community. Those with a hearing loss tend to have a slightly different culture than hearing people. Their way of communication is misunderstood and labeling leads to distancing themselves from the person, rather trying to understand the person. Be open, don't worry about doing anything wrong, connect with the person to learn about the individual. You might surprise yourself. You may learn something.
Segregation
Racial segregation has always been an intense hot topic. It brings up a lot of emotions and years of outcry related to mistreatment. As a result of segregation, there are many programs that tried to address that humans are individuals and diversity is a good thing. We have a rich society when we can include all races and cultural backgrounds in a community. In some areas, this has been successful, in other areas not so successful.
Tolerance is the ability for people to accept differences.
When I was getting my teaching credential, I took a class called Equity and Diversity. There were specific cultural and racial communities we would cover in the class. Me being Caucasian of a mixture of European decent, there was not a category covered with my ancestry. In fact, in some cases those with white European decent are sometimes resented. The instructor for this course was Hispanic. Each week we had an assignment on various questions related to how we have been treated through our lives and how people perceived us related to our ethnic identity. The questions were designed for people to share their experiences in being segregated or discriminated. As the teacher read my answers to the homework assignment, a month into the class, she came up to me and said, "you really have experienced discrimination." When I first came to class, she saw me as a white female. How could I ever understand segregation and discrimination because I was white? Perhaps I could be discriminated against for being female, but that isn't like the extreme segregation or demeaning acts that many of those who are of culture or of a different race face constantly. The teacher realized that the disabled also face segregation and discrimination. That we are challenged of our intelligence, and how we fit and function in society. When someone can't function like most people, like not hear as well, not see, not walk or have other physical challenges, the judgement can interfere with blending normally in society.
This teacher learned that there is another group that experiences discrimination. Another group that goes through the hardships, and the judgements that put barriers in the way of their success to move forward. The perception of the disabled is filled with assumptions, that people have no idea what it really means to have a disability. That we are protected by law, and the perception that there are several programs for the disabled, but yet, in real life, people keep their distance physically and socially. The disabled are still discriminated against, attitudes still exist and even resentment.
How do you explain segregation as far as trying to be treated normally and when you are not treated equal? Segregation is a separation of you and the rest of the world. You do not have access to the norm of society.
Some major movements in the educational system has been inclusion of students. If they have a disability, they must by law be included with the rest of the students. Segregating disabled students is not preferable anymore and the push to integrate a disabled child in regular public school is now mandatory. I was segregated in school as a child. I went to an elementary school for the blind. I found them easy to communicate and mingle, but once I was included in regular public school, I had huge challenges. It is a toss up, what was better? To always be around disabled kids or mixing with non-disabled kids? I grew up not liking "normal" kids. It was that constant battle of not fitting in. It just seemed no matter how I communicated, it was always wrong. I couldn't fit in. I felt segregated, no matter how hard I tried. It always seemed I was patronized, never taken seriously and never feeling that I was highly intelligent. I was the dummy kid in school. My grades reflected it too. 2.3 GPA when I graduated from high school.
I was the freak, I was teased, put down, laughed at if I tried something. In an audition for a play, I got smirks and laughter throughout my audition. When I wore my uniform for Tall Flags (like drill team) I would get barked at by guys. Told how ugly I looked. This was common throughout middle and high school. Kids would sing to me "retarded." So even though I was included in the regular public school system, I felt more segregated than being with my blind peers. Its a catch 22, I deserve normal development and being infiltrated with the mass of kids, but yet the "normal" kids were pretty cruel to me.
I did have one friend in high school. It was really nice to have her, but I always still felt insecure that maybe I was company and not a friend. But she did want to take classes with me and we ate lunch together. Maybe I was just too skeptical of those who were not disabled since I had been around more disabled kids than "normal" kids.
Segregation happens at any age. Even in the workplace. You would think that people have grown up as adults, but yet, they are judgemental because you don't fit the mold of, "normal."
Did I need early training in how to handle this? Early training in helping me know how to exchange and communicate more effectively. Being with a hearing and vision loss, I do miss communication cues, what is chic and what is considered a freak or geek. I was the freak in high school and although many people were nice to me, it was still distant. I wasn't the first for people to think to have me come to their house, go to a movie or just hang.
One person I thought was a friend, I realized later in life was just doing her Christian duty to be nice to me. I didn't see the signs when I was younger, but now as an adult I can look back and she just tolerated me. Of course, She was a beauty pageant contestant. I was the ugly dork. Not that is my self esteem coming out, but how people really did look at me. There are two ways to look at this, I thought I was cool, but then there is also how people treat you. You can't change other people, but we still need to not feel segregated either.
I often wondered why did people push away from me? My funny shaped body? Me being slightly geeky looking? Not looking like a complete feminine girl? The way I talk? The way I communicate? All these years I still do not know. But when I was a park ranger, it seemed that melted away. One or two people would be looking at me like I was weird, but most other people listened to me talk. I got such positive feedback and vibes from people all those horrible years of feeling rejected by society in general melted away.
Segregation is a dirty word. It's like I scream, "Why do you treat me like a freak! Leave me alone to cry"
When operant conditioning trainers who focus on positive reinforcement, I so much hate it when they use ignoring tactics on people. Karen Pryor popularized this concept in her book, "Don't Shoot the Dog." I think it is cruel and a power that people need to be extremely careful in using. I also think it is mean when people ignore so they can control you. I realize we all have annoying behaviors we do, but is this intolerance, so the person uses the power to ignore behavior to change them? How arrogant? Lack of understanding is where the person is coming from and down right rude. I know it touches a huge segregation and ostracization button with me. I do not support this practice at all. It takes a very skilled person to know how to handle the behaviors they do not like and cherish what the person is, instead of focus on what they are doing wrong so you can ignore them. I think this is a form of being a bully and passively aggressively controlling people. There are better kinder ways to change people's behaviors that are good for the person and not ostracizing them. I say let's be compassionate and work with people, instead of trying to be intolerant.
How do we teach tolerance? How do we teach people acceptance? How do we pulverize segregation? My past three years I have been so in pain and hurt. I lost my kindness and who I am. People around me seeing the negative in me and not seeing my beauty. I feel that I have been stomped on my ostracization, stomped on my misunderstandings and no openness to hear me. I am an open person, but no one is seeing me and understanding me. They a re too busy standing their ground. Another form of segregation. I need to be a park ranger again when I felt so accepted. I didn't feel ostracized or segregated. Life wasn't perfect in this environment. Some co-workers did patronize me, looked down to me, didn't think I had intelligent thought, I was ostracized and segregated from the group, but at a much lower incident. So I don't expect a perfect unsegregated world. I just need enough to keep going. I think that's what most people need. Lots of cold people in the world. You are different, they segregate you.
Tolerance is the ability for people to accept differences.
When I was getting my teaching credential, I took a class called Equity and Diversity. There were specific cultural and racial communities we would cover in the class. Me being Caucasian of a mixture of European decent, there was not a category covered with my ancestry. In fact, in some cases those with white European decent are sometimes resented. The instructor for this course was Hispanic. Each week we had an assignment on various questions related to how we have been treated through our lives and how people perceived us related to our ethnic identity. The questions were designed for people to share their experiences in being segregated or discriminated. As the teacher read my answers to the homework assignment, a month into the class, she came up to me and said, "you really have experienced discrimination." When I first came to class, she saw me as a white female. How could I ever understand segregation and discrimination because I was white? Perhaps I could be discriminated against for being female, but that isn't like the extreme segregation or demeaning acts that many of those who are of culture or of a different race face constantly. The teacher realized that the disabled also face segregation and discrimination. That we are challenged of our intelligence, and how we fit and function in society. When someone can't function like most people, like not hear as well, not see, not walk or have other physical challenges, the judgement can interfere with blending normally in society.
This teacher learned that there is another group that experiences discrimination. Another group that goes through the hardships, and the judgements that put barriers in the way of their success to move forward. The perception of the disabled is filled with assumptions, that people have no idea what it really means to have a disability. That we are protected by law, and the perception that there are several programs for the disabled, but yet, in real life, people keep their distance physically and socially. The disabled are still discriminated against, attitudes still exist and even resentment.
How do you explain segregation as far as trying to be treated normally and when you are not treated equal? Segregation is a separation of you and the rest of the world. You do not have access to the norm of society.
Some major movements in the educational system has been inclusion of students. If they have a disability, they must by law be included with the rest of the students. Segregating disabled students is not preferable anymore and the push to integrate a disabled child in regular public school is now mandatory. I was segregated in school as a child. I went to an elementary school for the blind. I found them easy to communicate and mingle, but once I was included in regular public school, I had huge challenges. It is a toss up, what was better? To always be around disabled kids or mixing with non-disabled kids? I grew up not liking "normal" kids. It was that constant battle of not fitting in. It just seemed no matter how I communicated, it was always wrong. I couldn't fit in. I felt segregated, no matter how hard I tried. It always seemed I was patronized, never taken seriously and never feeling that I was highly intelligent. I was the dummy kid in school. My grades reflected it too. 2.3 GPA when I graduated from high school.
I was the freak, I was teased, put down, laughed at if I tried something. In an audition for a play, I got smirks and laughter throughout my audition. When I wore my uniform for Tall Flags (like drill team) I would get barked at by guys. Told how ugly I looked. This was common throughout middle and high school. Kids would sing to me "retarded." So even though I was included in the regular public school system, I felt more segregated than being with my blind peers. Its a catch 22, I deserve normal development and being infiltrated with the mass of kids, but yet the "normal" kids were pretty cruel to me.
I did have one friend in high school. It was really nice to have her, but I always still felt insecure that maybe I was company and not a friend. But she did want to take classes with me and we ate lunch together. Maybe I was just too skeptical of those who were not disabled since I had been around more disabled kids than "normal" kids.
Segregation happens at any age. Even in the workplace. You would think that people have grown up as adults, but yet, they are judgemental because you don't fit the mold of, "normal."
Did I need early training in how to handle this? Early training in helping me know how to exchange and communicate more effectively. Being with a hearing and vision loss, I do miss communication cues, what is chic and what is considered a freak or geek. I was the freak in high school and although many people were nice to me, it was still distant. I wasn't the first for people to think to have me come to their house, go to a movie or just hang.
One person I thought was a friend, I realized later in life was just doing her Christian duty to be nice to me. I didn't see the signs when I was younger, but now as an adult I can look back and she just tolerated me. Of course, She was a beauty pageant contestant. I was the ugly dork. Not that is my self esteem coming out, but how people really did look at me. There are two ways to look at this, I thought I was cool, but then there is also how people treat you. You can't change other people, but we still need to not feel segregated either.
I often wondered why did people push away from me? My funny shaped body? Me being slightly geeky looking? Not looking like a complete feminine girl? The way I talk? The way I communicate? All these years I still do not know. But when I was a park ranger, it seemed that melted away. One or two people would be looking at me like I was weird, but most other people listened to me talk. I got such positive feedback and vibes from people all those horrible years of feeling rejected by society in general melted away.
Segregation is a dirty word. It's like I scream, "Why do you treat me like a freak! Leave me alone to cry"
When operant conditioning trainers who focus on positive reinforcement, I so much hate it when they use ignoring tactics on people. Karen Pryor popularized this concept in her book, "Don't Shoot the Dog." I think it is cruel and a power that people need to be extremely careful in using. I also think it is mean when people ignore so they can control you. I realize we all have annoying behaviors we do, but is this intolerance, so the person uses the power to ignore behavior to change them? How arrogant? Lack of understanding is where the person is coming from and down right rude. I know it touches a huge segregation and ostracization button with me. I do not support this practice at all. It takes a very skilled person to know how to handle the behaviors they do not like and cherish what the person is, instead of focus on what they are doing wrong so you can ignore them. I think this is a form of being a bully and passively aggressively controlling people. There are better kinder ways to change people's behaviors that are good for the person and not ostracizing them. I say let's be compassionate and work with people, instead of trying to be intolerant.
How do we teach tolerance? How do we teach people acceptance? How do we pulverize segregation? My past three years I have been so in pain and hurt. I lost my kindness and who I am. People around me seeing the negative in me and not seeing my beauty. I feel that I have been stomped on my ostracization, stomped on my misunderstandings and no openness to hear me. I am an open person, but no one is seeing me and understanding me. They a re too busy standing their ground. Another form of segregation. I need to be a park ranger again when I felt so accepted. I didn't feel ostracized or segregated. Life wasn't perfect in this environment. Some co-workers did patronize me, looked down to me, didn't think I had intelligent thought, I was ostracized and segregated from the group, but at a much lower incident. So I don't expect a perfect unsegregated world. I just need enough to keep going. I think that's what most people need. Lots of cold people in the world. You are different, they segregate you.
Ultimate Passion
A person can have a number of passions in their life, but sometimes you have to manage which ones you can fit into your life.
I had a blow today. It really hit me by surprise. I had been wanting to switch from a very toxic work situation. I just wanted to work with people who treat me as a living human, not someone they regard as beneath any possibility of having any value. Of course they would never admit this to management, they have to keep an image. The attitudes towards me have just gotten tiresome. I thought there would be some hope to change from a particular work group, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. To be in this toxic situation I have used more brain power than imagine to figure this all out. But you can't change attitudes or insecurities of other people.
Add in a false appearance that they are inclusive and helpful, just enough show for management, and you have a toxic work situation. The life and times of being in-between deaf-blind. Let's just keep the disabled quiet. We can bully them around, they don't matter, they are soft, they can't do anything to us. How can I be heard when they ignore my voice. Just bully me, keep me from anything that will allow me to grow. Just ignore her, the cries will go away. They don't care that my blood pressure has been up, my health has deteriorated, I have lost a lot of my memory from stress, I have no energy to enjoy life anymore. All stress from people who are toxic. Of course I could beat myself up, for letting such people have that much affect on me. But the amount of vision and hearing loss I have, enables them to keep information, interaction and support away.
But today after finding out the news I couldn't change to a team that might treat me like I exist and that I really am a team member, I just cried. I cried so much my head hurt. I had to take aspirin and try to calm myself down. I did get some work accomplished, trying to focus on the task to not hurt my body from crying. My logic wasn't getting through to my emotions. The emotional pain of all these years is taking a toll on me. No one cares, they care to push me away.
How can I survive in a workplace that no one will sit next to me at a Christmas work party? One year I just brushed it off. Another year, the same thing. Heads stretching to see if there were other seats. They look back, see the two empty seats on either side, you could see them do a slight nervous pace, then they decided to pull chairs from another area and sat at the end of the table. I can brush it off once, but when it happened again, I realized no one in my department is gracious enough or open enough to even get to know me.
Even when we have our small parties, the food is placed in our conference room that echos and has florescent lighting that is so difficult to see under, t he flicker of light and spottiness, I can't see facial expressions. I can't tell if people are looking at me, or if they are looking at someone else while talking. When I sit down, if a person sits next to me, their body is shifted away from me, talking to the person on the other side of them. No one talks to me. This is not an exaggeration, people really do not speak with me or even want to engage in conversation. I try to follow eyes to see anyone looking at me that I could try to strike up a conversation, but always always turn away from me. Strong signal of avoidance.
The irony of it all, is, they think I'm rude, but they have shaped this behavior in me. Who wants to be around people who will not sit next to you, engage in a conversation and turn from you? I just now get the food in the conference room and go back to my office. That awkwardness they emit.
I am a human being just like anyone else. Out of the 25 places I have worked in my life, this one makes me feel more handicapped than any place I have ever been. Past employments were not perfect and there were issues. But now is the worst segregation I have ever felt in my life. No one cares, I"m just suppose to accept it.
So trying to be changed on a team that I could feel like someone would talk with me was a huge hope. For two weeks, my stress level went down. I had hope. Maybe it was naive hope. But getting the news today that I would not be switched, crushed me. I can only try to rise above and say, it did happen for a good reason. Having cried all day, having a not-so-good exchange with my supervisor because I was more upset than I thought, I kept trying to find a good lesson in this.
Coming home from work, I started to wonder. I need to see the positive in all of this. I need this experience to really work for me. Life was at a turning point since I had a few other blows earlier in the week happen too. It was time to think of solutions, reassess my life and start remembering what has been good in my life.
I then started to think of the passions in my life. What makes me the happiest. Being with my dogs is one of them. But my teaching dog classes has slipped. Why? What happened to that passion. It has gone stale. I don't have the magic I once had to pull people in and make them feel good about how they are doing with their dogs. Wait a minute, having taught in a classroom and been a public speaker, I can handle this, but something was dull. Something happened.
I thought deeper, what has made me the most happy? It was the time I was a park ranger. The six years I was a park ranger, it was like I found myself. Nothing has exhilarated me more than being a park ranger. Once I got over my fear of speaking in front of people, got over my fright, insecurities and worked on perfecting my skill, together in 2006 when I was at Zion National Park. It took me six years to go through this transformation. To become the person I liked. It was like I really did find myself. Getting there was no easy and I had ups and downs with health issues, then at the end of my season at Zion, it started to come together. Like I have landed.
But just as it took me 6 years to get there, it has been 6 years since I have done a park program. Slowly and surely my skills were deteriorating. Being in the negative toxic environment I am in now, I was loosing a little bit of my happiness every day. They were chipping away at me trying to mold me into their toxic ways, but I have resisted, trying to some how hang onto myself. Keep that special part of me hidden so they can't erode it away. The more I resisted, the more they tried to shape me. The fight. Oh please don't take the happy Christy away. But I fool them, I'm just being as outward, but I still have the integrity buried in there to be me. They just don't know it. I am worn, I am tired, I am burned out, but deep in there Christy is alive, just waiting for the right time to bring her out.
It came to me, that I need to go to one of the local natural areas and start volunteering. It will save me. I need to start doing programs again to develop that sense of wonder again. See those eyes light up, see the wonder and the excitement. How I miss that so much. It is so addicting. Infectious to the point it becomes me and I can spread that positive energy to others. People forget I have a disability, they don't care because the passion and excitement is so strong, that pours out. They get involved with the nature around them and it doesn't matter if I'm different. Maybe a hard core person will be judgmental, but most will get in with the program and loose themselves in the fun. How I need to nourish myself with that again. Even if it means to cut back on my dog activities, I need to find that light again for others, and myself. When I can, I will be able to do great dog classes again. I need to let Christy know it is safe to come out again.
I had a blow today. It really hit me by surprise. I had been wanting to switch from a very toxic work situation. I just wanted to work with people who treat me as a living human, not someone they regard as beneath any possibility of having any value. Of course they would never admit this to management, they have to keep an image. The attitudes towards me have just gotten tiresome. I thought there would be some hope to change from a particular work group, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. To be in this toxic situation I have used more brain power than imagine to figure this all out. But you can't change attitudes or insecurities of other people.
Add in a false appearance that they are inclusive and helpful, just enough show for management, and you have a toxic work situation. The life and times of being in-between deaf-blind. Let's just keep the disabled quiet. We can bully them around, they don't matter, they are soft, they can't do anything to us. How can I be heard when they ignore my voice. Just bully me, keep me from anything that will allow me to grow. Just ignore her, the cries will go away. They don't care that my blood pressure has been up, my health has deteriorated, I have lost a lot of my memory from stress, I have no energy to enjoy life anymore. All stress from people who are toxic. Of course I could beat myself up, for letting such people have that much affect on me. But the amount of vision and hearing loss I have, enables them to keep information, interaction and support away.
But today after finding out the news I couldn't change to a team that might treat me like I exist and that I really am a team member, I just cried. I cried so much my head hurt. I had to take aspirin and try to calm myself down. I did get some work accomplished, trying to focus on the task to not hurt my body from crying. My logic wasn't getting through to my emotions. The emotional pain of all these years is taking a toll on me. No one cares, they care to push me away.
How can I survive in a workplace that no one will sit next to me at a Christmas work party? One year I just brushed it off. Another year, the same thing. Heads stretching to see if there were other seats. They look back, see the two empty seats on either side, you could see them do a slight nervous pace, then they decided to pull chairs from another area and sat at the end of the table. I can brush it off once, but when it happened again, I realized no one in my department is gracious enough or open enough to even get to know me.
Even when we have our small parties, the food is placed in our conference room that echos and has florescent lighting that is so difficult to see under, t he flicker of light and spottiness, I can't see facial expressions. I can't tell if people are looking at me, or if they are looking at someone else while talking. When I sit down, if a person sits next to me, their body is shifted away from me, talking to the person on the other side of them. No one talks to me. This is not an exaggeration, people really do not speak with me or even want to engage in conversation. I try to follow eyes to see anyone looking at me that I could try to strike up a conversation, but always always turn away from me. Strong signal of avoidance.
The irony of it all, is, they think I'm rude, but they have shaped this behavior in me. Who wants to be around people who will not sit next to you, engage in a conversation and turn from you? I just now get the food in the conference room and go back to my office. That awkwardness they emit.
I am a human being just like anyone else. Out of the 25 places I have worked in my life, this one makes me feel more handicapped than any place I have ever been. Past employments were not perfect and there were issues. But now is the worst segregation I have ever felt in my life. No one cares, I"m just suppose to accept it.
So trying to be changed on a team that I could feel like someone would talk with me was a huge hope. For two weeks, my stress level went down. I had hope. Maybe it was naive hope. But getting the news today that I would not be switched, crushed me. I can only try to rise above and say, it did happen for a good reason. Having cried all day, having a not-so-good exchange with my supervisor because I was more upset than I thought, I kept trying to find a good lesson in this.
Coming home from work, I started to wonder. I need to see the positive in all of this. I need this experience to really work for me. Life was at a turning point since I had a few other blows earlier in the week happen too. It was time to think of solutions, reassess my life and start remembering what has been good in my life.
I then started to think of the passions in my life. What makes me the happiest. Being with my dogs is one of them. But my teaching dog classes has slipped. Why? What happened to that passion. It has gone stale. I don't have the magic I once had to pull people in and make them feel good about how they are doing with their dogs. Wait a minute, having taught in a classroom and been a public speaker, I can handle this, but something was dull. Something happened.
I thought deeper, what has made me the most happy? It was the time I was a park ranger. The six years I was a park ranger, it was like I found myself. Nothing has exhilarated me more than being a park ranger. Once I got over my fear of speaking in front of people, got over my fright, insecurities and worked on perfecting my skill, together in 2006 when I was at Zion National Park. It took me six years to go through this transformation. To become the person I liked. It was like I really did find myself. Getting there was no easy and I had ups and downs with health issues, then at the end of my season at Zion, it started to come together. Like I have landed.
But just as it took me 6 years to get there, it has been 6 years since I have done a park program. Slowly and surely my skills were deteriorating. Being in the negative toxic environment I am in now, I was loosing a little bit of my happiness every day. They were chipping away at me trying to mold me into their toxic ways, but I have resisted, trying to some how hang onto myself. Keep that special part of me hidden so they can't erode it away. The more I resisted, the more they tried to shape me. The fight. Oh please don't take the happy Christy away. But I fool them, I'm just being as outward, but I still have the integrity buried in there to be me. They just don't know it. I am worn, I am tired, I am burned out, but deep in there Christy is alive, just waiting for the right time to bring her out.
It came to me, that I need to go to one of the local natural areas and start volunteering. It will save me. I need to start doing programs again to develop that sense of wonder again. See those eyes light up, see the wonder and the excitement. How I miss that so much. It is so addicting. Infectious to the point it becomes me and I can spread that positive energy to others. People forget I have a disability, they don't care because the passion and excitement is so strong, that pours out. They get involved with the nature around them and it doesn't matter if I'm different. Maybe a hard core person will be judgmental, but most will get in with the program and loose themselves in the fun. How I need to nourish myself with that again. Even if it means to cut back on my dog activities, I need to find that light again for others, and myself. When I can, I will be able to do great dog classes again. I need to let Christy know it is safe to come out again.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
What does Equality mean anyway?
Last night I was reading a blog of a friend I haven't seen for about 25 years. He had gotten a Master's degree and worked with partially sighted and blind youth. He then found a passion of sailing and was the first visually impaired person to sail around the world.
Mutual friends of ours I remember saying back when I was in college, "Oh most of our friends are hiding by getting jobs with the blind." They knew of very few people breaking out in the "real" world. But what does this really mean?
So back to my young adult friend who has sailed around the world, he gave his philosophy on disability on his web site and his last sentence read:
"I have come to believe whole heartedly that I would rather be a proud and skilled visually impaired person, rather than a person fighting to prove their equality to a “normal” or non disabled person. " ---Scott Duncan
I haven't been able to shake this statement since I have read it.
I then saw another quote today by an old Greek Philosopher:
"We can't control the impressions others form about us, and the effort to do so, only debases our character." -Epictetus
I really do believe that I have been working too hard to "prove" myself all my life. I have worked so hard in the "normal" or "non-disabled" world that I have severely crashed. My current job has pushed me due to their attitudes and narrow minded thinking towards me. I pushed harder to prove myself, but didn't realize I was defeating myself more and more. Spinning my wheels. Running myself into the ground. My health took a toll. I was so focused on succeeding, I wasn't paying attention to waht I was doing to myself. Ah yes, life in the "normal" world.
Being trained in education I always thought that education would prevail. That it was just how I presented myself. How well I could sell my ideas. WIth some people I did win over, which solidified my belief, if I just work harder and be patient. But, what I have found, I ran myself into the ground trying to "win" over. However, I almost got there so I kept working harder and harder and harder and then my body and myself couldn't take it anymore. I fell hard. For the past several months I have been trying to figure out what happened.
Between Scott's quote and Epictetus, what on earth was I doing? What am I doing? Even though it may appear that Scott is "hiding" but he also is saying, why work so hard in a stupid world when you can be accepted and succeed in another? There was a time I played on my disability, I then felt it was wrong, so I pushed myself to succeed as a human. To realize it might serve me well to going back being "disabled." The thing is I "am" disabled. I have to realize that I can't jsut function like anyone else. I need accommodations every where I go. I must adapt myself. Either it being my vision or my hearing. So why am I trying to hard to be "normal" when I'm not in thenorm of society? I am different and no shame in that just because others are weirded out about it. OR at first they are accepting, and then get weirded out when they get to know you and how "different" you function.
Thinking about getting a master's degree in Conflict Resolution, how can we resolve the inequality of the disabled and the normal population? We CAN'T!! For someone to feel superior over someone else is a very STRONG ingrained biological thing. That's what we are fighting against.
As of late, connecting up with my friends I grew up with is rather powerful and ovewhelming. Some are living off of SSI. The percentage of people who are is mind boggling. That the struggle for equality was jsut too hard for them. I understand this because here my health is in jeopardy because of it. I'm stuck in this In-Between Deafl-Blind being highly functionable, but having obstacles to over come in a highly competitive world.
After reading the two quotes above in the past 12 hours, so many ways I need to readjust my thinking and for the future. I often wonder if conflict resolution degree is really what I want now. OR would that give me more insight in what I need. I don't know, I haven't been accepted to the program yet.
But the word equality still rings in my head. Such a powerful world, not only an issue with the disabled community, but ethnic, racial and a variety of other groups as well.
What does equality mean to me? Just being accepted as a human being that cognitively can be treated as a peer. Something so simple, but lacking in my life. As Epictetus says above, I think the harder I try to "fit in" society, the more I am probably defeating myelf and debasing my character. Do I find a place where at least a hand people accept me as a peer? Or do I imerge myself in the deaf-blind, blind or deaf world? Maybe the disabled world? There are no easy answers. As time goes on, I don't think bigotry will every go away. People will have their engrained genetic coding to feel superior and try to prove themselves over others and to see people not like them as outside objects from their acceptance circle. In most situations, I have to accept that I can't change that. There is never an end to a cure, other than surround myself around people who accept me as a peer.
My fight to conquer life is down right now. I've fought all my life to over come, but I feel beatened to submission. I will lay low now, but when I can get out of my certain situation, I will come back. I have that fire to break barriers down, but it needs rest now and does not need to waste energy on something it can't control. Bide my time. I'm going through quite a leanring experience now. Now is time to learn, not fight.
Mutual friends of ours I remember saying back when I was in college, "Oh most of our friends are hiding by getting jobs with the blind." They knew of very few people breaking out in the "real" world. But what does this really mean?
So back to my young adult friend who has sailed around the world, he gave his philosophy on disability on his web site and his last sentence read:
"I have come to believe whole heartedly that I would rather be a proud and skilled visually impaired person, rather than a person fighting to prove their equality to a “normal” or non disabled person. " ---Scott Duncan
I haven't been able to shake this statement since I have read it.
I then saw another quote today by an old Greek Philosopher:
"We can't control the impressions others form about us, and the effort to do so, only debases our character." -Epictetus
I really do believe that I have been working too hard to "prove" myself all my life. I have worked so hard in the "normal" or "non-disabled" world that I have severely crashed. My current job has pushed me due to their attitudes and narrow minded thinking towards me. I pushed harder to prove myself, but didn't realize I was defeating myself more and more. Spinning my wheels. Running myself into the ground. My health took a toll. I was so focused on succeeding, I wasn't paying attention to waht I was doing to myself. Ah yes, life in the "normal" world.
Being trained in education I always thought that education would prevail. That it was just how I presented myself. How well I could sell my ideas. WIth some people I did win over, which solidified my belief, if I just work harder and be patient. But, what I have found, I ran myself into the ground trying to "win" over. However, I almost got there so I kept working harder and harder and harder and then my body and myself couldn't take it anymore. I fell hard. For the past several months I have been trying to figure out what happened.
Between Scott's quote and Epictetus, what on earth was I doing? What am I doing? Even though it may appear that Scott is "hiding" but he also is saying, why work so hard in a stupid world when you can be accepted and succeed in another? There was a time I played on my disability, I then felt it was wrong, so I pushed myself to succeed as a human. To realize it might serve me well to going back being "disabled." The thing is I "am" disabled. I have to realize that I can't jsut function like anyone else. I need accommodations every where I go. I must adapt myself. Either it being my vision or my hearing. So why am I trying to hard to be "normal" when I'm not in thenorm of society? I am different and no shame in that just because others are weirded out about it. OR at first they are accepting, and then get weirded out when they get to know you and how "different" you function.
Thinking about getting a master's degree in Conflict Resolution, how can we resolve the inequality of the disabled and the normal population? We CAN'T!! For someone to feel superior over someone else is a very STRONG ingrained biological thing. That's what we are fighting against.
As of late, connecting up with my friends I grew up with is rather powerful and ovewhelming. Some are living off of SSI. The percentage of people who are is mind boggling. That the struggle for equality was jsut too hard for them. I understand this because here my health is in jeopardy because of it. I'm stuck in this In-Between Deafl-Blind being highly functionable, but having obstacles to over come in a highly competitive world.
After reading the two quotes above in the past 12 hours, so many ways I need to readjust my thinking and for the future. I often wonder if conflict resolution degree is really what I want now. OR would that give me more insight in what I need. I don't know, I haven't been accepted to the program yet.
But the word equality still rings in my head. Such a powerful world, not only an issue with the disabled community, but ethnic, racial and a variety of other groups as well.
What does equality mean to me? Just being accepted as a human being that cognitively can be treated as a peer. Something so simple, but lacking in my life. As Epictetus says above, I think the harder I try to "fit in" society, the more I am probably defeating myelf and debasing my character. Do I find a place where at least a hand people accept me as a peer? Or do I imerge myself in the deaf-blind, blind or deaf world? Maybe the disabled world? There are no easy answers. As time goes on, I don't think bigotry will every go away. People will have their engrained genetic coding to feel superior and try to prove themselves over others and to see people not like them as outside objects from their acceptance circle. In most situations, I have to accept that I can't change that. There is never an end to a cure, other than surround myself around people who accept me as a peer.
My fight to conquer life is down right now. I've fought all my life to over come, but I feel beatened to submission. I will lay low now, but when I can get out of my certain situation, I will come back. I have that fire to break barriers down, but it needs rest now and does not need to waste energy on something it can't control. Bide my time. I'm going through quite a leanring experience now. Now is time to learn, not fight.
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