Yesterday I was able to meet up with some friends I haven't seen in years. They were a part of my childhood. A time that is so different from now. When you are kids, you are carefree, what troubles you is so different than when you are an adult. Two people I saw yesterday, I haven't seen since I was in elementary school, the other one I haven't seen since I was about nineteen years old. They brought a sense of reality of who I am and where I came from. This enabled me to see through the heaviness that has surrounded me.
The past three and a half years have been very hard. I'm around people with repelling energy, they are wrapped up in surviving the rat race. They still hang on to the social structures you learned in middle school or high school to survive. Struggling to be the top leader or trying to be in the "in" group, while ostracizing others. Similar to a sorority or fraternity, to show we are somebody; you are nothing. It is survival. They make judgements, they gossip and bond tighter with their "in" group. They feel secure and feel they are surviving the rat race. They use the targeted person as a scape goat to feel better. But this cycle just continues where full contentment is not reached. I'm the target, this is the type of world I live in every day. But, I was able to get out of this circle for a day. Go back in time and meet up with my past. A time that I was silly giddy. In my adult I have had segments that I was a very happy person, mostly when I was a park ranger. But, my journey took me some place else, a desk job where you are serious. No inspiring people, which actually does give me energy. However, I lost a little of myself in this desk job, being in the office politics, the rat race and lost in the struggle to survive. I'm naive in these types of environments and don't flourish well. Who wants to spend time around someone who is lost and can't play the game? Who wants to be around someone if they can't stay in-tune with the environment. I stand out way too much because I can't play the game, I'm naive, obviously I'm not one of them, so rejection is the best survival mode for them. No time to support or foster the naive person, just roll your eyes at them and hope they go away. It feels like negative energy. I'm ostracized, so I try to survive the best way I can.
But meeting up with my childhood friends, the giddy happy Christ was there, just waiting to come out. I had all this bundle of hyper energy I haven't used in quite awhile. Dying to get out and exploding with enthusiasm when I was around three people who allowed me to be me. How exhilarating. It felt good to be me.
I realize that when you are in certain environments, you have to have certain composure, which is fine, but being around a lot of suppressed energy or judgements wears. I didn't realize how much it worn me down until yesterday visiting with the friends who brought me back to who I really am as a person. Your environment is important. Being ostracized, being the scape goat or the target, it wears. Even when you think positive, have confidence, you are human. You want a colleague. We all seek camaraderie, not ostracization. I've read many positive quotes, books and sayings trying to get through this, but how do you guard yourself from acid that slowly disintegrates your marble shape? I have changed and noticed that it has worn on me. I work very hard to counter act such an environment, but it is hard. Some days I don't have the energy to flip it off. Some days I'm able to step aside and let it fly by, but I still need to get done what I need to get done. I'm on my own. Very little support.
In my life as a whole, I don't need more criticism of how I'm not the real Christy I have always been. Some days I'm just not my positive bundle of energy. I need help myself, I need a hand to help me get up after being knocked down so often. Sometimes I just need to be cranky about it to get through this. Some days I'm better than others. When you see my light shine, enjoy. When you don't, don't criticize me, know where I am coming from, that I just may need a kind word to bring me out again. Although I may seem negative, abrupt or not as giddy as I have been, I'm worn, I'm tired. I need to be refreshed. It takes so much energy to shine through the darkness, meet me part of the way and I will ensure to brightness comes through and then some. I'm just in survival mode. I get enough criticism that I am not in a trusting mode. Don't misunderstand me, I just need to change my mode, turn off survival mode and get into happy mode. Sometimes I don't know when to flip that switch when I"m tired.
Yesterday seeing these nice friends allowed me to turn on my flood lights, maybe I was too bright, but it felt good from my perspective. I been with more energy I haven't seen within myself in ages. Which gives me an idea the type of person I am, for me it is very important for me to choose who is around me. Other people do not have the nerve endings in their external. Because they do not, they cannot understand someone like me, they think I can ignore it. They don't understand that is like trying to ignore finger nails down an old fashion chalk board or a screeching sounds of brakes in a truck. Some things you cannot block out depending of your make up and who you are, it is very arrogant and short sighted of people to try to tell you how to operate, when you are not the same, nor do you have the same neuron endings or communication pathways. It is like telling someone that has eaten a lot of sugar to calm down. Kind of hard.
I do believe we all emit energy. Some emit great auras of energy, where each one is different. Some people don't understand energies or frequencies that are different. Something different, something they either do not understand or fear. When you are around people who understand your energy, life is great. Life is fulfilled. But when feared, judgement may cloud and interfere with such resonance and cause great distorted sound. Sometimes all you need to do is play together, find the right notes and you can make beautiful music. Just takes a little effort in being open to understand. Like two musicians getting together for the first time. Both have different styles, but they start out awkward. They both listen to each other and before long, they make that connection and the song echos through the air. They were open, they didn't fear to try something new or to try and connect to something different. They are both musicians, love music and will work together to play.
I have been intimidated, suppressed and knocked down, and all I want to do is survive. I don't want to fight, but yet, I have to be on guard for the next surprised. I come in peace. Let me get by. When I am in survival mode, I am not me, I am using my energies to survive. I am on guard, where I am in survival mode so often, I do not turn that switch off. Forget I'm in this non-social mode. I come home, try to socialize in social media, but fail because I didn't turn the switch off. People get turned off from me. I'm not seeing what I'm writing because I'm tired, I can't see very well. I am so spent, I am not even aware of what is happening. My communication is poor, people misunderstand my intentions. They judge me and misinterpret me. They don't want to connect other than to criticize what I did wrong, which puts me in further survival mode. I've been in survival mode for so long, I have forgotten what it is to be me. Everyone shoving me away because they can't understand nor want to know me. They just take the surface of me, and make judgement. I'm alone. You wonder why this is happening. Things are not blending. Peace is not there. You are in the wrong environment, the wrong surrounding. Everyone then starts to be a threat to me. Who can I trust? They do not want to see the happy giddy me, they prefer to make judgements. How could a geographical place have so much of this intensity? Other places I have lived, you would get some people who would ostracize, make judgements about you, but it feels like all this energy around you is this way. I don't think it is a matter of me or them, but a matter of we are different and effort to meet is not happening. I try to meet, I try to shed some understanding, but they don't listen. My energy level drops ad the days, months and years go by. After so much time, my happy giddy self is stuffed some where, forgotten because I have been in survival mode for so song. Where is she? I know a part of me is upbeat, happy, delight and inspirational. Where is she?
The people I met up with yesterday brought me out, unknowingly, but their shear acceptance and delight to see me enabled me to come out. Come out of darkness after a long time. They were safe.
The past week I realized I need to take action and move. I have given San Diego my best. It is not on the same frequency as me. It is like two cords that sound together and create tension or an ear sore. I do not have melody here. No matter what I do, how I communicate, it is wrong. I'm tense, and anything I do, will just continue to get worse. When I am in the right place, I do create melody and harmony. It is effortless. But here while I have been in San Diego, I kept trying, over and over and the melodies are not coming, my efforts make it worse as it is more strained, more forced and not flowing. What they heck is going on here? I denied it, I can make it work. I can think all positive, I can think all great attitude. To no avail, it is not working. Time to stop forcing it. Time to let it flow, the answer comes, it is time to move on.
This isn't anything against San Diego. It has many wonderful qualities. It is a beautiful city by the Pacific and many great things that happen here like large off lead dog parks, dog beach, a mall you can shop with your dog and more. However, this city and I do not have the frequencies to develop a wonderful melody. I have lived other places that this has happened. Places where my energy runs free and flowing. Effortless. This is what yesterday reminded me of, with the friends. It didn't matter what I said, I didn't have to worry, I was accepted. This is how life should be, a circle of friends who are there for you, not being around constant judgement that you are just going to fail, and continue to do so from the stress.
I think the agency where I work is a good one, I know my energy frequencies doesn't match with my co-workers, where I work now. I have been in other parts of my agency and was able to blend well. This isn't anything against them or me, each person has a different set of energies. When you hit a key on the piano, then another, you will either get two keys that blend well or two keys that do not. Especially if the piano is out of tune. This is life. One needs to be in the position to change to make the melody, but when one doesn't want to change, it makes it hard.
Life is that some keys play well together, some keys don't. Some keys are pleasing for some, while not others. Just like genre of music, some is music to your ears, while other genres or types or artists are ear sores. When the mismatch happens, it takes too much energy to peacefully live. When it does match, it is effortless, joyful, peaceful, and definitely fulfilling. I miss those places. Time to move on and vibrate with a matching energy. I see the conflict of energies here a way of telling me my journey is better suited some place else. Some would call this metaphysical, some would call this God, some would just call it, get the hey out of town and don't look back! Regardless, I'm open enough to know it is not me, which I did look first, and then now it is time to move on. I did my best.
I am going to transfer north. I've always been drawn north and noticed that I have more friends north. It feels right and the city I pick, I think the old Christy will come back. She will be there. She will come out. She will be free, and her natural way of connecting with people will come out instead of messing up under stress, fear and fatigue. She will have less fatigue because she will be more free. I will be leaving San Diego soon. I can't wait and I know it is right. The irony is I had to remember where I came from to know it is right I need to move on to find my music and balance.