Experiencing the world being in-between the sighted/hearing world and the deaf-blind world. Living in a partial world. This blog is a rough draft. I periodically edit each entry, it could have changed since you last read an entry. Please feel free to make a comment. Also, share your journey how you got to the blog. ==================================================================== Please read the oldest entry first, archives to the right with oldest (first entry) at the top.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Saturday, October 06, 2012
Everyone is different, so why does my different seems more different?
I always thought, the more I describe my disability, the more people would understand and I would be more accepted as an equal. I'm starting to believe the opposite is happening, where people either ostracize or avoid me more. That too much focus is being put on the differences I have from someone else. For some, it creates a bit of a hostility in a way that a disabled person is "special." There is a lot of confusion between special treatment and an accommodation. However, when someone misunderstands or has a difficult time communicating with me, I tend to want to explain. But some people resent this.
I have seen the attitudes of, "What makes you think you are so special?" As if a person with a limitation is asking for more than just trying to fit into this world and be an equal person. I realize a disabled person will sometimes get more attention. We are different, we work different, we process or approach things different. For some people, that is such a cool thing, for others it turns on their jealousy button. But here, the disability becomes a focus, where is the person? They get lost under the disability. Being admired for the disability or being resented. What happened to just accepting the person as a person? Can't they just get to know the human and then make the judgement?
A week or so ago, a mother posted on a list that she was requested to write a letter about her son's vision and hearing loss to the school. One person said, well ask if every other parent can write about their child and give that to you. I thought that was a great point. I later chimed in and said, "You have the power to write what ever you want. You don't have to write about the disability. You can write about how your child wants to be accepted and be apart of the school community just like anyone else."
Throughout the years getting to know classmates in college and co-workers in internships and jobs I have had, I found one thing to be consistent. The people who better accommodated me weren't the ones I explained to, but the ones who were open to meet me and get to know me as a human being. The ones I had issues with where the ones that were judgmental, closed minded and didn't try to get to know me.
I'm starting to understand that me explaining how to talk to me or work around me, I need to work with decent people. It is about attitude because with a person who is open with the right attitude, they will get it just by being around me. If something seems rude about me, don't take it as rude, but take it as perhaps something is going on. Do more investigation or learn, don't label. Think about a person who has a vision and hearing limitation. The two things we need to converse with another person. Think how they need to function in their environment. If you have average hearing and vision, there is no way you can even know how any person with a hearing and vision loss functions. In fact, each person that is deaf-blind varies. So what you learn with one person, is going to be completely different with another. So how can you assume you know?
The most challenging thing to try and intermingle or be apart of a social world is to try and get people to slightly change their behaviors so you can be apart of that social crowd or network. Some people think nothing of it to accommodate, while others think it to be either special treatment or a chore. They walk away and just do not want to deal with it. Honestly, it isn't that difficult. I grew up doing this with friends who had vision or hearing worse than mine.
All anyone wants to do is be accepted and apart of the community. Those with a hearing loss tend to have a slightly different culture than hearing people. Their way of communication is misunderstood and labeling leads to distancing themselves from the person, rather trying to understand the person. Be open, don't worry about doing anything wrong, connect with the person to learn about the individual. You might surprise yourself. You may learn something.
I have seen the attitudes of, "What makes you think you are so special?" As if a person with a limitation is asking for more than just trying to fit into this world and be an equal person. I realize a disabled person will sometimes get more attention. We are different, we work different, we process or approach things different. For some people, that is such a cool thing, for others it turns on their jealousy button. But here, the disability becomes a focus, where is the person? They get lost under the disability. Being admired for the disability or being resented. What happened to just accepting the person as a person? Can't they just get to know the human and then make the judgement?
A week or so ago, a mother posted on a list that she was requested to write a letter about her son's vision and hearing loss to the school. One person said, well ask if every other parent can write about their child and give that to you. I thought that was a great point. I later chimed in and said, "You have the power to write what ever you want. You don't have to write about the disability. You can write about how your child wants to be accepted and be apart of the school community just like anyone else."
Throughout the years getting to know classmates in college and co-workers in internships and jobs I have had, I found one thing to be consistent. The people who better accommodated me weren't the ones I explained to, but the ones who were open to meet me and get to know me as a human being. The ones I had issues with where the ones that were judgmental, closed minded and didn't try to get to know me.
I'm starting to understand that me explaining how to talk to me or work around me, I need to work with decent people. It is about attitude because with a person who is open with the right attitude, they will get it just by being around me. If something seems rude about me, don't take it as rude, but take it as perhaps something is going on. Do more investigation or learn, don't label. Think about a person who has a vision and hearing limitation. The two things we need to converse with another person. Think how they need to function in their environment. If you have average hearing and vision, there is no way you can even know how any person with a hearing and vision loss functions. In fact, each person that is deaf-blind varies. So what you learn with one person, is going to be completely different with another. So how can you assume you know?
The most challenging thing to try and intermingle or be apart of a social world is to try and get people to slightly change their behaviors so you can be apart of that social crowd or network. Some people think nothing of it to accommodate, while others think it to be either special treatment or a chore. They walk away and just do not want to deal with it. Honestly, it isn't that difficult. I grew up doing this with friends who had vision or hearing worse than mine.
All anyone wants to do is be accepted and apart of the community. Those with a hearing loss tend to have a slightly different culture than hearing people. Their way of communication is misunderstood and labeling leads to distancing themselves from the person, rather trying to understand the person. Be open, don't worry about doing anything wrong, connect with the person to learn about the individual. You might surprise yourself. You may learn something.
Segregation
Racial segregation has always been an intense hot topic. It brings up a lot of emotions and years of outcry related to mistreatment. As a result of segregation, there are many programs that tried to address that humans are individuals and diversity is a good thing. We have a rich society when we can include all races and cultural backgrounds in a community. In some areas, this has been successful, in other areas not so successful.
Tolerance is the ability for people to accept differences.
When I was getting my teaching credential, I took a class called Equity and Diversity. There were specific cultural and racial communities we would cover in the class. Me being Caucasian of a mixture of European decent, there was not a category covered with my ancestry. In fact, in some cases those with white European decent are sometimes resented. The instructor for this course was Hispanic. Each week we had an assignment on various questions related to how we have been treated through our lives and how people perceived us related to our ethnic identity. The questions were designed for people to share their experiences in being segregated or discriminated. As the teacher read my answers to the homework assignment, a month into the class, she came up to me and said, "you really have experienced discrimination." When I first came to class, she saw me as a white female. How could I ever understand segregation and discrimination because I was white? Perhaps I could be discriminated against for being female, but that isn't like the extreme segregation or demeaning acts that many of those who are of culture or of a different race face constantly. The teacher realized that the disabled also face segregation and discrimination. That we are challenged of our intelligence, and how we fit and function in society. When someone can't function like most people, like not hear as well, not see, not walk or have other physical challenges, the judgement can interfere with blending normally in society.
This teacher learned that there is another group that experiences discrimination. Another group that goes through the hardships, and the judgements that put barriers in the way of their success to move forward. The perception of the disabled is filled with assumptions, that people have no idea what it really means to have a disability. That we are protected by law, and the perception that there are several programs for the disabled, but yet, in real life, people keep their distance physically and socially. The disabled are still discriminated against, attitudes still exist and even resentment.
How do you explain segregation as far as trying to be treated normally and when you are not treated equal? Segregation is a separation of you and the rest of the world. You do not have access to the norm of society.
Some major movements in the educational system has been inclusion of students. If they have a disability, they must by law be included with the rest of the students. Segregating disabled students is not preferable anymore and the push to integrate a disabled child in regular public school is now mandatory. I was segregated in school as a child. I went to an elementary school for the blind. I found them easy to communicate and mingle, but once I was included in regular public school, I had huge challenges. It is a toss up, what was better? To always be around disabled kids or mixing with non-disabled kids? I grew up not liking "normal" kids. It was that constant battle of not fitting in. It just seemed no matter how I communicated, it was always wrong. I couldn't fit in. I felt segregated, no matter how hard I tried. It always seemed I was patronized, never taken seriously and never feeling that I was highly intelligent. I was the dummy kid in school. My grades reflected it too. 2.3 GPA when I graduated from high school.
I was the freak, I was teased, put down, laughed at if I tried something. In an audition for a play, I got smirks and laughter throughout my audition. When I wore my uniform for Tall Flags (like drill team) I would get barked at by guys. Told how ugly I looked. This was common throughout middle and high school. Kids would sing to me "retarded." So even though I was included in the regular public school system, I felt more segregated than being with my blind peers. Its a catch 22, I deserve normal development and being infiltrated with the mass of kids, but yet the "normal" kids were pretty cruel to me.
I did have one friend in high school. It was really nice to have her, but I always still felt insecure that maybe I was company and not a friend. But she did want to take classes with me and we ate lunch together. Maybe I was just too skeptical of those who were not disabled since I had been around more disabled kids than "normal" kids.
Segregation happens at any age. Even in the workplace. You would think that people have grown up as adults, but yet, they are judgemental because you don't fit the mold of, "normal."
Did I need early training in how to handle this? Early training in helping me know how to exchange and communicate more effectively. Being with a hearing and vision loss, I do miss communication cues, what is chic and what is considered a freak or geek. I was the freak in high school and although many people were nice to me, it was still distant. I wasn't the first for people to think to have me come to their house, go to a movie or just hang.
One person I thought was a friend, I realized later in life was just doing her Christian duty to be nice to me. I didn't see the signs when I was younger, but now as an adult I can look back and she just tolerated me. Of course, She was a beauty pageant contestant. I was the ugly dork. Not that is my self esteem coming out, but how people really did look at me. There are two ways to look at this, I thought I was cool, but then there is also how people treat you. You can't change other people, but we still need to not feel segregated either.
I often wondered why did people push away from me? My funny shaped body? Me being slightly geeky looking? Not looking like a complete feminine girl? The way I talk? The way I communicate? All these years I still do not know. But when I was a park ranger, it seemed that melted away. One or two people would be looking at me like I was weird, but most other people listened to me talk. I got such positive feedback and vibes from people all those horrible years of feeling rejected by society in general melted away.
Segregation is a dirty word. It's like I scream, "Why do you treat me like a freak! Leave me alone to cry"
When operant conditioning trainers who focus on positive reinforcement, I so much hate it when they use ignoring tactics on people. Karen Pryor popularized this concept in her book, "Don't Shoot the Dog." I think it is cruel and a power that people need to be extremely careful in using. I also think it is mean when people ignore so they can control you. I realize we all have annoying behaviors we do, but is this intolerance, so the person uses the power to ignore behavior to change them? How arrogant? Lack of understanding is where the person is coming from and down right rude. I know it touches a huge segregation and ostracization button with me. I do not support this practice at all. It takes a very skilled person to know how to handle the behaviors they do not like and cherish what the person is, instead of focus on what they are doing wrong so you can ignore them. I think this is a form of being a bully and passively aggressively controlling people. There are better kinder ways to change people's behaviors that are good for the person and not ostracizing them. I say let's be compassionate and work with people, instead of trying to be intolerant.
How do we teach tolerance? How do we teach people acceptance? How do we pulverize segregation? My past three years I have been so in pain and hurt. I lost my kindness and who I am. People around me seeing the negative in me and not seeing my beauty. I feel that I have been stomped on my ostracization, stomped on my misunderstandings and no openness to hear me. I am an open person, but no one is seeing me and understanding me. They a re too busy standing their ground. Another form of segregation. I need to be a park ranger again when I felt so accepted. I didn't feel ostracized or segregated. Life wasn't perfect in this environment. Some co-workers did patronize me, looked down to me, didn't think I had intelligent thought, I was ostracized and segregated from the group, but at a much lower incident. So I don't expect a perfect unsegregated world. I just need enough to keep going. I think that's what most people need. Lots of cold people in the world. You are different, they segregate you.
Tolerance is the ability for people to accept differences.
When I was getting my teaching credential, I took a class called Equity and Diversity. There were specific cultural and racial communities we would cover in the class. Me being Caucasian of a mixture of European decent, there was not a category covered with my ancestry. In fact, in some cases those with white European decent are sometimes resented. The instructor for this course was Hispanic. Each week we had an assignment on various questions related to how we have been treated through our lives and how people perceived us related to our ethnic identity. The questions were designed for people to share their experiences in being segregated or discriminated. As the teacher read my answers to the homework assignment, a month into the class, she came up to me and said, "you really have experienced discrimination." When I first came to class, she saw me as a white female. How could I ever understand segregation and discrimination because I was white? Perhaps I could be discriminated against for being female, but that isn't like the extreme segregation or demeaning acts that many of those who are of culture or of a different race face constantly. The teacher realized that the disabled also face segregation and discrimination. That we are challenged of our intelligence, and how we fit and function in society. When someone can't function like most people, like not hear as well, not see, not walk or have other physical challenges, the judgement can interfere with blending normally in society.
This teacher learned that there is another group that experiences discrimination. Another group that goes through the hardships, and the judgements that put barriers in the way of their success to move forward. The perception of the disabled is filled with assumptions, that people have no idea what it really means to have a disability. That we are protected by law, and the perception that there are several programs for the disabled, but yet, in real life, people keep their distance physically and socially. The disabled are still discriminated against, attitudes still exist and even resentment.
How do you explain segregation as far as trying to be treated normally and when you are not treated equal? Segregation is a separation of you and the rest of the world. You do not have access to the norm of society.
Some major movements in the educational system has been inclusion of students. If they have a disability, they must by law be included with the rest of the students. Segregating disabled students is not preferable anymore and the push to integrate a disabled child in regular public school is now mandatory. I was segregated in school as a child. I went to an elementary school for the blind. I found them easy to communicate and mingle, but once I was included in regular public school, I had huge challenges. It is a toss up, what was better? To always be around disabled kids or mixing with non-disabled kids? I grew up not liking "normal" kids. It was that constant battle of not fitting in. It just seemed no matter how I communicated, it was always wrong. I couldn't fit in. I felt segregated, no matter how hard I tried. It always seemed I was patronized, never taken seriously and never feeling that I was highly intelligent. I was the dummy kid in school. My grades reflected it too. 2.3 GPA when I graduated from high school.
I was the freak, I was teased, put down, laughed at if I tried something. In an audition for a play, I got smirks and laughter throughout my audition. When I wore my uniform for Tall Flags (like drill team) I would get barked at by guys. Told how ugly I looked. This was common throughout middle and high school. Kids would sing to me "retarded." So even though I was included in the regular public school system, I felt more segregated than being with my blind peers. Its a catch 22, I deserve normal development and being infiltrated with the mass of kids, but yet the "normal" kids were pretty cruel to me.
I did have one friend in high school. It was really nice to have her, but I always still felt insecure that maybe I was company and not a friend. But she did want to take classes with me and we ate lunch together. Maybe I was just too skeptical of those who were not disabled since I had been around more disabled kids than "normal" kids.
Segregation happens at any age. Even in the workplace. You would think that people have grown up as adults, but yet, they are judgemental because you don't fit the mold of, "normal."
Did I need early training in how to handle this? Early training in helping me know how to exchange and communicate more effectively. Being with a hearing and vision loss, I do miss communication cues, what is chic and what is considered a freak or geek. I was the freak in high school and although many people were nice to me, it was still distant. I wasn't the first for people to think to have me come to their house, go to a movie or just hang.
One person I thought was a friend, I realized later in life was just doing her Christian duty to be nice to me. I didn't see the signs when I was younger, but now as an adult I can look back and she just tolerated me. Of course, She was a beauty pageant contestant. I was the ugly dork. Not that is my self esteem coming out, but how people really did look at me. There are two ways to look at this, I thought I was cool, but then there is also how people treat you. You can't change other people, but we still need to not feel segregated either.
I often wondered why did people push away from me? My funny shaped body? Me being slightly geeky looking? Not looking like a complete feminine girl? The way I talk? The way I communicate? All these years I still do not know. But when I was a park ranger, it seemed that melted away. One or two people would be looking at me like I was weird, but most other people listened to me talk. I got such positive feedback and vibes from people all those horrible years of feeling rejected by society in general melted away.
Segregation is a dirty word. It's like I scream, "Why do you treat me like a freak! Leave me alone to cry"
When operant conditioning trainers who focus on positive reinforcement, I so much hate it when they use ignoring tactics on people. Karen Pryor popularized this concept in her book, "Don't Shoot the Dog." I think it is cruel and a power that people need to be extremely careful in using. I also think it is mean when people ignore so they can control you. I realize we all have annoying behaviors we do, but is this intolerance, so the person uses the power to ignore behavior to change them? How arrogant? Lack of understanding is where the person is coming from and down right rude. I know it touches a huge segregation and ostracization button with me. I do not support this practice at all. It takes a very skilled person to know how to handle the behaviors they do not like and cherish what the person is, instead of focus on what they are doing wrong so you can ignore them. I think this is a form of being a bully and passively aggressively controlling people. There are better kinder ways to change people's behaviors that are good for the person and not ostracizing them. I say let's be compassionate and work with people, instead of trying to be intolerant.
How do we teach tolerance? How do we teach people acceptance? How do we pulverize segregation? My past three years I have been so in pain and hurt. I lost my kindness and who I am. People around me seeing the negative in me and not seeing my beauty. I feel that I have been stomped on my ostracization, stomped on my misunderstandings and no openness to hear me. I am an open person, but no one is seeing me and understanding me. They a re too busy standing their ground. Another form of segregation. I need to be a park ranger again when I felt so accepted. I didn't feel ostracized or segregated. Life wasn't perfect in this environment. Some co-workers did patronize me, looked down to me, didn't think I had intelligent thought, I was ostracized and segregated from the group, but at a much lower incident. So I don't expect a perfect unsegregated world. I just need enough to keep going. I think that's what most people need. Lots of cold people in the world. You are different, they segregate you.
Ultimate Passion
A person can have a number of passions in their life, but sometimes you have to manage which ones you can fit into your life.
I had a blow today. It really hit me by surprise. I had been wanting to switch from a very toxic work situation. I just wanted to work with people who treat me as a living human, not someone they regard as beneath any possibility of having any value. Of course they would never admit this to management, they have to keep an image. The attitudes towards me have just gotten tiresome. I thought there would be some hope to change from a particular work group, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. To be in this toxic situation I have used more brain power than imagine to figure this all out. But you can't change attitudes or insecurities of other people.
Add in a false appearance that they are inclusive and helpful, just enough show for management, and you have a toxic work situation. The life and times of being in-between deaf-blind. Let's just keep the disabled quiet. We can bully them around, they don't matter, they are soft, they can't do anything to us. How can I be heard when they ignore my voice. Just bully me, keep me from anything that will allow me to grow. Just ignore her, the cries will go away. They don't care that my blood pressure has been up, my health has deteriorated, I have lost a lot of my memory from stress, I have no energy to enjoy life anymore. All stress from people who are toxic. Of course I could beat myself up, for letting such people have that much affect on me. But the amount of vision and hearing loss I have, enables them to keep information, interaction and support away.
But today after finding out the news I couldn't change to a team that might treat me like I exist and that I really am a team member, I just cried. I cried so much my head hurt. I had to take aspirin and try to calm myself down. I did get some work accomplished, trying to focus on the task to not hurt my body from crying. My logic wasn't getting through to my emotions. The emotional pain of all these years is taking a toll on me. No one cares, they care to push me away.
How can I survive in a workplace that no one will sit next to me at a Christmas work party? One year I just brushed it off. Another year, the same thing. Heads stretching to see if there were other seats. They look back, see the two empty seats on either side, you could see them do a slight nervous pace, then they decided to pull chairs from another area and sat at the end of the table. I can brush it off once, but when it happened again, I realized no one in my department is gracious enough or open enough to even get to know me.
Even when we have our small parties, the food is placed in our conference room that echos and has florescent lighting that is so difficult to see under, t he flicker of light and spottiness, I can't see facial expressions. I can't tell if people are looking at me, or if they are looking at someone else while talking. When I sit down, if a person sits next to me, their body is shifted away from me, talking to the person on the other side of them. No one talks to me. This is not an exaggeration, people really do not speak with me or even want to engage in conversation. I try to follow eyes to see anyone looking at me that I could try to strike up a conversation, but always always turn away from me. Strong signal of avoidance.
The irony of it all, is, they think I'm rude, but they have shaped this behavior in me. Who wants to be around people who will not sit next to you, engage in a conversation and turn from you? I just now get the food in the conference room and go back to my office. That awkwardness they emit.
I am a human being just like anyone else. Out of the 25 places I have worked in my life, this one makes me feel more handicapped than any place I have ever been. Past employments were not perfect and there were issues. But now is the worst segregation I have ever felt in my life. No one cares, I"m just suppose to accept it.
So trying to be changed on a team that I could feel like someone would talk with me was a huge hope. For two weeks, my stress level went down. I had hope. Maybe it was naive hope. But getting the news today that I would not be switched, crushed me. I can only try to rise above and say, it did happen for a good reason. Having cried all day, having a not-so-good exchange with my supervisor because I was more upset than I thought, I kept trying to find a good lesson in this.
Coming home from work, I started to wonder. I need to see the positive in all of this. I need this experience to really work for me. Life was at a turning point since I had a few other blows earlier in the week happen too. It was time to think of solutions, reassess my life and start remembering what has been good in my life.
I then started to think of the passions in my life. What makes me the happiest. Being with my dogs is one of them. But my teaching dog classes has slipped. Why? What happened to that passion. It has gone stale. I don't have the magic I once had to pull people in and make them feel good about how they are doing with their dogs. Wait a minute, having taught in a classroom and been a public speaker, I can handle this, but something was dull. Something happened.
I thought deeper, what has made me the most happy? It was the time I was a park ranger. The six years I was a park ranger, it was like I found myself. Nothing has exhilarated me more than being a park ranger. Once I got over my fear of speaking in front of people, got over my fright, insecurities and worked on perfecting my skill, together in 2006 when I was at Zion National Park. It took me six years to go through this transformation. To become the person I liked. It was like I really did find myself. Getting there was no easy and I had ups and downs with health issues, then at the end of my season at Zion, it started to come together. Like I have landed.
But just as it took me 6 years to get there, it has been 6 years since I have done a park program. Slowly and surely my skills were deteriorating. Being in the negative toxic environment I am in now, I was loosing a little bit of my happiness every day. They were chipping away at me trying to mold me into their toxic ways, but I have resisted, trying to some how hang onto myself. Keep that special part of me hidden so they can't erode it away. The more I resisted, the more they tried to shape me. The fight. Oh please don't take the happy Christy away. But I fool them, I'm just being as outward, but I still have the integrity buried in there to be me. They just don't know it. I am worn, I am tired, I am burned out, but deep in there Christy is alive, just waiting for the right time to bring her out.
It came to me, that I need to go to one of the local natural areas and start volunteering. It will save me. I need to start doing programs again to develop that sense of wonder again. See those eyes light up, see the wonder and the excitement. How I miss that so much. It is so addicting. Infectious to the point it becomes me and I can spread that positive energy to others. People forget I have a disability, they don't care because the passion and excitement is so strong, that pours out. They get involved with the nature around them and it doesn't matter if I'm different. Maybe a hard core person will be judgmental, but most will get in with the program and loose themselves in the fun. How I need to nourish myself with that again. Even if it means to cut back on my dog activities, I need to find that light again for others, and myself. When I can, I will be able to do great dog classes again. I need to let Christy know it is safe to come out again.
I had a blow today. It really hit me by surprise. I had been wanting to switch from a very toxic work situation. I just wanted to work with people who treat me as a living human, not someone they regard as beneath any possibility of having any value. Of course they would never admit this to management, they have to keep an image. The attitudes towards me have just gotten tiresome. I thought there would be some hope to change from a particular work group, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. To be in this toxic situation I have used more brain power than imagine to figure this all out. But you can't change attitudes or insecurities of other people.
Add in a false appearance that they are inclusive and helpful, just enough show for management, and you have a toxic work situation. The life and times of being in-between deaf-blind. Let's just keep the disabled quiet. We can bully them around, they don't matter, they are soft, they can't do anything to us. How can I be heard when they ignore my voice. Just bully me, keep me from anything that will allow me to grow. Just ignore her, the cries will go away. They don't care that my blood pressure has been up, my health has deteriorated, I have lost a lot of my memory from stress, I have no energy to enjoy life anymore. All stress from people who are toxic. Of course I could beat myself up, for letting such people have that much affect on me. But the amount of vision and hearing loss I have, enables them to keep information, interaction and support away.
But today after finding out the news I couldn't change to a team that might treat me like I exist and that I really am a team member, I just cried. I cried so much my head hurt. I had to take aspirin and try to calm myself down. I did get some work accomplished, trying to focus on the task to not hurt my body from crying. My logic wasn't getting through to my emotions. The emotional pain of all these years is taking a toll on me. No one cares, they care to push me away.
How can I survive in a workplace that no one will sit next to me at a Christmas work party? One year I just brushed it off. Another year, the same thing. Heads stretching to see if there were other seats. They look back, see the two empty seats on either side, you could see them do a slight nervous pace, then they decided to pull chairs from another area and sat at the end of the table. I can brush it off once, but when it happened again, I realized no one in my department is gracious enough or open enough to even get to know me.
Even when we have our small parties, the food is placed in our conference room that echos and has florescent lighting that is so difficult to see under, t he flicker of light and spottiness, I can't see facial expressions. I can't tell if people are looking at me, or if they are looking at someone else while talking. When I sit down, if a person sits next to me, their body is shifted away from me, talking to the person on the other side of them. No one talks to me. This is not an exaggeration, people really do not speak with me or even want to engage in conversation. I try to follow eyes to see anyone looking at me that I could try to strike up a conversation, but always always turn away from me. Strong signal of avoidance.
The irony of it all, is, they think I'm rude, but they have shaped this behavior in me. Who wants to be around people who will not sit next to you, engage in a conversation and turn from you? I just now get the food in the conference room and go back to my office. That awkwardness they emit.
I am a human being just like anyone else. Out of the 25 places I have worked in my life, this one makes me feel more handicapped than any place I have ever been. Past employments were not perfect and there were issues. But now is the worst segregation I have ever felt in my life. No one cares, I"m just suppose to accept it.
So trying to be changed on a team that I could feel like someone would talk with me was a huge hope. For two weeks, my stress level went down. I had hope. Maybe it was naive hope. But getting the news today that I would not be switched, crushed me. I can only try to rise above and say, it did happen for a good reason. Having cried all day, having a not-so-good exchange with my supervisor because I was more upset than I thought, I kept trying to find a good lesson in this.
Coming home from work, I started to wonder. I need to see the positive in all of this. I need this experience to really work for me. Life was at a turning point since I had a few other blows earlier in the week happen too. It was time to think of solutions, reassess my life and start remembering what has been good in my life.
I then started to think of the passions in my life. What makes me the happiest. Being with my dogs is one of them. But my teaching dog classes has slipped. Why? What happened to that passion. It has gone stale. I don't have the magic I once had to pull people in and make them feel good about how they are doing with their dogs. Wait a minute, having taught in a classroom and been a public speaker, I can handle this, but something was dull. Something happened.
I thought deeper, what has made me the most happy? It was the time I was a park ranger. The six years I was a park ranger, it was like I found myself. Nothing has exhilarated me more than being a park ranger. Once I got over my fear of speaking in front of people, got over my fright, insecurities and worked on perfecting my skill, together in 2006 when I was at Zion National Park. It took me six years to go through this transformation. To become the person I liked. It was like I really did find myself. Getting there was no easy and I had ups and downs with health issues, then at the end of my season at Zion, it started to come together. Like I have landed.
But just as it took me 6 years to get there, it has been 6 years since I have done a park program. Slowly and surely my skills were deteriorating. Being in the negative toxic environment I am in now, I was loosing a little bit of my happiness every day. They were chipping away at me trying to mold me into their toxic ways, but I have resisted, trying to some how hang onto myself. Keep that special part of me hidden so they can't erode it away. The more I resisted, the more they tried to shape me. The fight. Oh please don't take the happy Christy away. But I fool them, I'm just being as outward, but I still have the integrity buried in there to be me. They just don't know it. I am worn, I am tired, I am burned out, but deep in there Christy is alive, just waiting for the right time to bring her out.
It came to me, that I need to go to one of the local natural areas and start volunteering. It will save me. I need to start doing programs again to develop that sense of wonder again. See those eyes light up, see the wonder and the excitement. How I miss that so much. It is so addicting. Infectious to the point it becomes me and I can spread that positive energy to others. People forget I have a disability, they don't care because the passion and excitement is so strong, that pours out. They get involved with the nature around them and it doesn't matter if I'm different. Maybe a hard core person will be judgmental, but most will get in with the program and loose themselves in the fun. How I need to nourish myself with that again. Even if it means to cut back on my dog activities, I need to find that light again for others, and myself. When I can, I will be able to do great dog classes again. I need to let Christy know it is safe to come out again.
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