It is hard to believe I have been writing this blog since 2010, still having experiences to share. I still struggle being in-between two worlds, a disabled deaf-blind world and a sighted-hearing world. I'm neither, just in limbo trying to see where I fit.
Eight months ago I had an eye injury where a Dremel tool got caught in my hair, and the circular motion reeled the Dermal tool right to my face. Literally a fast smash to my face. I couldn't help but cry afterwards. I only have vision in one eye and any blow to that eye, I am highly susceptible to retina detachment. I am so fortunate I have the kindest retinal specialist who understands and had me come in for several follow-up appointments. he wanted to make sure to catch a detachment if one was going to happen. After 6 six months about about 5 appointments, he said it was safe to say this injury didn't cause trauma enough to have a detached retina.
However, one thing didn't go away, the haze. My doctor said that could take a year to go away. What happens, and he said this is a theoretical guess, the gel or the vitreous fluid ball pulled away from the walls of my eye, causing a white haze. This has been really annoying because it took away my contrast. I have a hard time seeing faces and their expression, the red color blends in more and is harder to see. Darker rooms are posing a huge problem now. When i trial my dogs in rooms, I'm finding it really hard to read them. I do contribute this to my trial a week ago with Divine. I couldn't read her finite behaviors, got nervous and called alert. Everything was a blur to me because it was so hard to see. I was fretting and nervous the whole time. But yesterday with Mickey, he has a burst of air through his noses that is so distinctive when he finds odor, I call it and I'm right. So I am going to need to work a lot harder with Divine and in more dark rooms to over come this new challenge.
Since it has been 8 months since the accident, I thought this problem would be better. It isn't. But it has posed a lot of problems in my life, reading my dogs in trialing, driving, straining etc. It is truely exhausting. It also makes me more stressed and on edge. I'm more removed from my environment when this happens. More isolated.
Then of course, having a hearing loss, and then the loss of vision, it is an exponential occurrence. My ability to connect to people decreases. It is hard to be "social" and at times people think I'm self center. What is happening is I can't see the external cues to connect to that person, so it may seem that I'm more eccentric to myself. Talking to people one-on-one is much easier, in groups, I won't catch another person talking and often end up talking over them or interrupting at the wrong time. I feel so awkward when this happens and to try and recover, that opportunity doesn't always happen. I just become a drag. I noticed this happening more since the recent loss in my vision. It makes for a lot more awkward moments and alienation because people think I'm being rude, not realizing this is my disability. What helps if people can slow down and give indication like a finger up or another visual cue that is easy to see that they are speaking or talking. When more than one person talks, it is hard for me to keep up. Visual cues and speaking slightly slower is very helpful.
Sometimes I think it is just better to stay by myself and not talk to people due to these awkward moments or times they think I'm rude. They don't understand I am not a rude person, I'm disabled. This is what it means to be a disabled individual.
I found an awesome web site that gives a visual description of floaters in eyes. Not only do I have the haze, but I have several floaters. Most of the time I can't find pictures with floaters because they show a few specs while I have a lot of specs, ropes, strings, globs etc. Below I have a link of an animated picture of many floaters. One of the best or "busy" I have seen. I have so many floaters, globs will float into my center of vision and disrupts my reading, seeing people's faces and even walking uneven surfaces. I constantly have to over think where I'm walking and what I'm doing to make up for this garbage that is floating in my center of vision. Often when I read words are competely covered. Sometimes I miss them completely or if I move my eye away from the word and back, it moves the glob out of the way so I can see the word. this can be really tedious. Thus why large print is a blessing.
Scroll down to the picture with the floaters more like ropes and strings. Fascinating since it is animated. My float and dance around all the time.
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=41955405
On the below web site, scroll down and you will see globs. If I could add these globs to the above picture, you have more what I see. then of course had a haze, like heavy fog and you see how I see out of my one eye.
http://www.vote29.com/newmyblog/the-eyes-have-it-floaters-flashers-and-eye-exams/
The link below if you scroll down, to your right will be a picture of a Dalmatian, clear, blurry and clouded. With the clouded picture you can see how that takes away contract and clarity. I would say I see slightly better than this clouded picture, but when the sun is out bright, I am just as bad as this picture. Having the haze for some reason makes me extremely sensitive to light, bright sun, and light coming into a room especially when there is no lights on in a room. Any changes creates a drastic change for me to try and maneuver. I go into over thinking mode as I use my thought process to get through what I'm not seeing well. Exhausting.
http://www.allaboutvision.com/conditions/blurry-vision.htm
These three great visual aids can give a person a better idea how I actually see. I do a lot of covering up and it isn't because I'm trying to hide my disability, I am just trying to survive and function. I want to function as normal as possible.
Adding Stage 5 kidney disease where I am on a transplant list and about to start dialysis, this really took a lot of my energy away to try and compensate for what I can't see and hear. Management of myself becomes more crucial. It also means I'm just going to have to offend people. I can't socially be on top of everything and will miss a lot as well. I just can't do it anymore.
I am so fortunate that I still have my full-time job, still can compete with my dogs and try to be kind to myself. Those are the most important things in my life. Anything outside of that, I don't have the energy.