What does Equality mean anyway?

Last night I was reading a blog of a friend I haven't seen for about 25 years. He had gotten a Master's degree and worked with partially sighted and blind youth. He then found a passion of sailing and was the first visually impaired person to sail around the world.

Mutual friends of ours I remember saying back when I was in college, "Oh most of our friends are hiding by getting jobs with the blind." They knew of very few people breaking out in the "real" world.  But what does this really mean?

So back to my young adult friend who has sailed around the world, he gave his philosophy on disability on his web site and his last sentence read:

"I have come to believe whole heartedly that I would rather be a proud and skilled visually impaired person, rather than a person fighting to prove their equality to a “normal” or non disabled person. " ---Scott Duncan 

I haven't been able to shake this statement since I have read it.

I then saw another quote today by an old Greek Philosopher:

"We can't control the impressions others form about us, and the effort to do so, only debases our character." -Epictetus

I really do believe that I have been working too hard to "prove" myself all my life. I have worked so hard in the "normal" or "non-disabled" world  that I have severely crashed. My current job has pushed me due to their attitudes and narrow minded thinking towards me. I pushed harder to prove myself, but didn't realize I was defeating myself more and more. Spinning my wheels. Running myself into the ground. My health took a toll. I was so focused on succeeding, I wasn't paying attention to waht I was doing to myself. Ah yes, life in the "normal" world.

Being trained in education I always thought that education would prevail. That it was just how I presented myself. How well I could sell my ideas. WIth some people I did win over, which solidified my belief, if I just work harder and be patient. But, what I have found, I ran myself into the ground trying to "win" over. However, I almost got there so I kept working harder and harder and harder and then my body and myself couldn't take it anymore. I fell hard. For the past several months I have been trying to figure out what happened.

Between Scott's quote and Epictetus, what on earth was I doing? What am I doing? Even though it may appear that Scott is "hiding" but he also is saying, why work so hard in a stupid world when you can be accepted and succeed in another? There was a time I played on my disability, I then felt it was wrong, so I pushed myself to succeed as a human. To realize it might serve me well to going back being "disabled." The thing is I "am" disabled. I have to realize that I can't jsut function like anyone else. I need accommodations every where I go. I must adapt myself. Either it being my vision or my hearing. So why am I trying to hard to be "normal" when I'm not in thenorm of society? I am different and no shame in that just because others are weirded out about it. OR at first they are accepting, and then get weirded out when they get to know you and how "different" you function.

Thinking about getting a master's degree in Conflict Resolution, how can we resolve the inequality of the disabled and the normal population? We CAN'T!! For someone to feel superior over someone else is a very STRONG ingrained biological thing. That's what we are fighting against.

As of late, connecting up with my friends I grew up with is rather powerful and ovewhelming. Some are living off of SSI. The percentage of people who are is mind boggling. That the struggle for equality was jsut too hard for them. I understand this because here my health is in jeopardy because of it. I'm stuck in this In-Between Deafl-Blind being highly functionable, but having obstacles to over come in a highly competitive world.

After reading the two quotes above in the past 12 hours, so many ways I need to readjust my thinking and for the future. I often wonder if conflict resolution degree is really what I want now. OR would that give me more insight in what I need. I don't know, I haven't been accepted to the program yet.

But the word equality still rings in my head. Such a powerful world, not only an issue with the disabled community, but ethnic, racial and a variety of other groups as well.

What does equality mean to me? Just being accepted as a human being that cognitively can be treated as a peer. Something so simple, but lacking in my life. As Epictetus says above, I think the harder I try to "fit in" society, the more I am probably defeating myelf and debasing my character. Do I find a place where at least a hand people accept me as a peer? Or do I imerge myself in the deaf-blind, blind or deaf world? Maybe the disabled world? There are no easy answers. As time goes on, I don't think bigotry will every go away. People will have their engrained genetic coding to feel superior and try to prove themselves over others and to see people not like them as outside objects from their acceptance circle. In most situations, I have to accept that I can't change that. There is never an end to a cure, other than surround myself around people who accept me as a peer.

My fight to conquer life is down right now. I've fought all my life to over come, but I feel beatened to submission. I will lay low now, but when I can get out of my certain situation, I will come back. I have that fire to break barriers down, but it needs rest now and does not need to waste energy on something it can't control. Bide my time. I'm going through quite a leanring experience now. Now is time to learn, not fight.

Self discovery how to ease conflict

Nearly everyone is eccentric to some extent or another. No one has ever truly experienced what it is like to see or experience the world from within another human being. The only things we go by is how we see the world. Which can be a real limiting perspective when trying to understand someone else. Life as a whole, some people are better at understanding experiences of another than others. But everyone from their eccentric view, thinks they "get it." So what is "getting it?" This is an obscure concept because the definition varies. Is it someone who can become the top executive and show monetary success in the billions? That they "got it" to manipulate a system to make billions? Or is it the humble teacher that scrapes by financially, but mentors many children with open understanding?  Or is it someone that just knows how to socially blend, easing conflict in their daily lives, and understanding where a variety of people come from in their thinking? Is it someone who gets it that has travelled the world, seen many places, seen many cultures? Or someone who has lived the hard life on the streets? All varied experiences, but chances are, would they understand the other? I have even witnessed people 30 years in a profession with people, and still be absolutely clueless. So what is "getting it?" I think the real answer is, there is no one that "gets it" completely. It is complicated. There are some people who you can talk to and you know they understand, but get them on another topic, and they will be rather limited. Then you have people who are very socially in touch. That can appear they "get it." They have learned this skill for social survival.

We are shaped by our world, but we are also shaped how we are able to interact with our world. The more you are like the people around you, the better you fit in. It goes hand in hand, if you fit in, a person will develop better social skills. When socially accepted and having positive interactions, the more self assured a person tends to be in their life. A few negative experiences is not going to phase them because they have the assurance of social acceptance. If you know how to play the social game correctly, you can be a little different where people may see this as cool. Sometimes different attracts people, but for some people, being different in the wrong way will get lead to ostracization..A social outcast. They could be seen as as weird instead of cool. To define what is a cool difference and what is a weird yucky difference is subjective. It varies from geographical region, country, city, niche and social group. Some may think a person with autism might be very strange, while another group may just understand.

A person who grows up in their community that is "different" can feel rather out casted and could develop low social skills. They didn't learn the trials and errors in how to interact socially. On the other hand, this same person could have been in a different place, state, country or community and be very well socially accepted. developing good social skills. Learning what works to be included in their social network. When someone is not socially accepted in their community, their work, their local club, their church etc. it can be rather painful. This is different from being alone or someone wanting to be alone. This is about someone who is trying to belong in their regular social activities. This is also not someone seeking popularity, but someone just seeking normal interaction and acceptance.

Most humans need social interaction. The type of social interaction will vary depending on their personality. Sometimes they are successful in meeting their niche, sometimes not. Sometimes they need to learn how to cope and adjust themselves to meet the demands of the social norm of their immediate area. Social isolation is very painful. Doesn't matter if this is trying to belong in a community, or trying to develop a work community at your workplace. Studies have shown people need social interaction in their personal lives and at work. Bad interactions create conflict and stress. Again, I must emphasize that being alone or wanting to be alone is different from social isolation.

Ostracization isn't a big deal if a person has a support system. Everyone needs and thrives on a support system. That enables them to laugh off critical or demeaning people. But when you do not have a support system, and they experience ostracism, judgement and demeaning attitudes, it does take a toll on the person. I find that most people who say, "don't let that bother you" to a person who is being ostracized, their judgement comes from them having a support system, while the person being ostracized may not have the same support system. How does a person with little support and being ostracized cope? Rise above?

When a person experiences continual ostracism their attitude, mood and their aura can change. This can emit a negative energy to the people that are ostracizing them. Some people see hesitancy like chickens see blood, They peck at it in a frenzy. Negative thoughts emit more negative energy than people realize. People still respond or react to their sixth sense without knowing it. We are programmed to react to something different for survival. But it is our higher brains that is able to sort out what is really happening. People who can sort this out are supportive and "get it" about the other person. But people who do not get why this person may be hesitant, and react in a negative way, both sides have a conflict issue going on.

When two people need to work together, they are in a situation where they must interact. Being too different for someone can be rather overwhelming. They start blaming the other person for having a bad personality or pick at some critical thing to justify the other is wrong rather than they can't accept the other person's differences. This can really create a tense working situation for both persons. Each person's negative energy radiates out causing more conflicts.

When people stay in their eccentric world, and blame others around them for not being what they perceive as normal, they are out of touch with their environment. They do not take change well and cannot adjust easily to change or people who are different from them. On the flip side, what is the different person emitting to others? Perhaps hesitancy that is being read as lack of confidence? The lack of confidence maybe furthest from their mind as they try to sort out their environment, but it could be the signal the other person is picking up.

With being focused on ourselves, the world of pop psychology and inspirational quotes state ignore people and be yourself. There will be  statements like, "be your own person," "don't pay attention to others who are negative," "who cares what others think about you." When you block out the feedback from your world, you are not taking in social information. Granted a few small number of people might be clueless and respond with judgements that are incorrect. They may see something that really isn't the real you and pass judgement. However, Ignoring people also doesn't enable you to better connect with people either. It teaches you to ignore and become more eccentric in your own little world. Creating more social isolation, and more "ignoring" behaviors by you. Your social circle will be cold or distance. Having repetitive negative experience with the people around you can have an impact on you.

People who have the negative feelings towards you may not realize you know they do. They may think their fasade of being nice and polite is working. So when you respond to them in a negative way, they then have the ability to turn things around and start criticizing you more in how rude you are, or you don't present yourself well, or something. They always seem to know how to turn the focus off their wrong doing to put you down even more. Self preservation on their part. They can criticize you, and then get away with it by blaming you. This is why self awareness of yourself and being in-tuned with the people around you is crucial. This doesn't mean you have to believe what people say or take to heart what they say, just be aware of what is happening to make appropriate well thought out changes for yourself if needed.

What do you need to change within yourself to be more accepting? Can you change? Have you done everything possible where no matter what you do, the chickens are going to be able to hunt that blood down and find it? When you have a sensory loss, changing is rather difficult. A person with a dual sensory loss has lost some of their ability to communicate in the fashion that most people communicate. This can be just enough difference that it scares people. It could be unconscious too. A person who has communication challenges may look weird or act weird. Like a strange voice, wandering eyes, or tend to act overly happy. Acting over happy is a double edge sword. It is like people expect it, but then, look at the person as a child. Then are patronized. So how does one change themselves to give an image of acceptance in their communicate? You see a lot of sayings about being yourself. Again, the double standard. Try to stay true to yourself, but change just enough to be socially accepted. Some change is good and should happen, some change shouldn't have to happen. How does one decrease the conflict? This is all subjective because we should be able to stay ourselves, but if we have a social quirk, like not knowing how to act appropriately in a certain setting, that needs to change if we want to be respected in our community. If a person doesn't care to be respected, then that is their choice to continue their unaccepted behavior.

But trying to find a balance where there is conflict. It isn't about whose fault or who should change, it is about taking your exterior self, and becoming more presentable, without changing your inside of who you are as a person. If you are in a work setting, put on your acting for work environment.

Here is another conflict and twist though, many pop self-help books say we need to be proud of ourselves, don't care what others say, be yourself and empower within. Keep a positive attitude and all that stuff. I agree, but I do think we need to have a little awareness of what is happening around us too. This is an innate survival characteristic that we should not ignore. We will always have to constantly change ourselves depending on our environment. If we do not keep i- tuned to this, our skills will not be polished and we will have many awkward and isolating moments. This isn't about conforming to the establishment, it is playing a game of survival. You can stay true to you, it is the exterior you present for survival.

I believe that pop psychology has been one of the many reasons our culture has become more entitled, more about me, and more about my life, rather than focusing on community. We do need to develop our confidence, but we need to also take in the whole environment as well. No man is an island. I find today people less accepting, less gracious and more judgemental than ever before. It is a wonder that anyone gets along with anyone. How can we exist in a community, especially when not every average person is the TV or Motion picture image.

I completely understand we must focus on ourselves and not take to heart what people think, or not let it crush our egos, but to completely block out the world around us without listening, is doing everyone a disservice.There needs to be balance. Listening, I don't mean hearing words, but being aware of the message and understanding what is really happening is what I think is lacking today.

Sometimes we humans take offense of words, that cloud our vision of what message that is being conveyed. If we are offended, most say, oh ignore it. Who cares what they think, you are better than them and who do they think they are? So we ignore, but probably what we are ignoring is a misinterpretation of what we thought was being said. Due to having a vision and hearing loss, I see this often. Misunderstandings happen all the time due to the nature of my disability. I cannot see or hear the world like sighted and hearing people do. I can't understand how they function. Just as they can't understand why I do the "weird" things I do to function in my world.

It seems today people misunderstand and take more offense than really hearing the message. They hear the words and put their interpretation to it, their eccentric values, their eccentric ideas to the words instead of listening to the person and what they are trying to communicate. When we ignore a message, we are not being in-tuned to our environment, we are being rather eccentric in our own little world. Connections being lost. How can anyone learn proper communication skills if everyone is shutting everyone out if they don't like what they say? Shutting down everything. Effective communication can be a challenge and very few people have mastered it very well.

If you were born with a disability, most grow up going into a system of adoration if you are highly functional. You end up in "special" programs. You are told you are "special" because of your disability. People think they have to do extra things or come up to you to say how awesome you are to survive with a disability. You get attention because of the disability. You are different. You are unique, you are a focus. With this focus two things can happen, you are either adored in a patronizing way, or people are jealous of you for getting the focus and attention. Either way, you are not in the norm. How can you develop normal social skills if the environment around you is treating you different? They accept your less social skills, in fact, your less social skills could even be reinforced. When you become an adult, the tools you learned to survive no longer work in the mainstream society or the real world. You feel out casted, people look at you as a freak. What happened? This overly happy upbeat personality worked before, but now it went the other way. Now I"m looked at as a goofy weirdo.

One of my favorite old Sit Com is "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" with Will Smith. The energy he had, the timing and the humor. I could watch re-runs over and over. I then saw his movie "Hitch." In the movie, he is an older man. Will has grown up. In the movie he was the collected distinguished man, I thought he did well. But when he started doing some of his yelling scenes or acting that seemed like the "Old Will" it just seemed out of place. I almost wanted to tell Will, "You have grown up now, you better start using a technique that suits you now since you are not a kid anymore." But it is understandable, he was using what always worked and got billions of dollars before. But something changed, he is no longer a skinny kid or young man, but an established man of society. His over expressions that got him world wide acclaim just doesn't fit anymore. It seems awkward and weird. I think this happens to many people as they mature in society. We have to constantly change to the surroundings and who we are now. This doesn't mean to get rid of your young inner self, it is about knowing the right place, time and setting. It is about the role we must play at a particular time. Most actors do not loose themselves in a person or character once they are no longer playing that character. They still need to be themselves, but they can also act when needed.

I have also needed to learn this. I have been highly reinforced for being giddy, over expressive and happy. But now that I am getting older, nearly reaching 50, it is coming across rather repulsive. It is time to change. However, I can't go the other way and be quiet, docile or stoic. That is not me. I need to have some expression and personality. Going the other direction will also be socially unaccepted as well. You can't go from one extreme to another. You need to find the balance. You can still be you, just adjust your presentation style. It is just behavior of what you show to other people, not your core. If you want an environment of being giddy, or silly, volunteer for something to do with children. Have an outlet for your creativity.

Think of it this way, you go to a formal ballroom affair, you are going to dress formal and be formal, you go to a sports event, you are going to have a completely different demeanor and your outward expressions are acceptable if they are outrageous. When you are at work, there is a certain way you must present yourself. IN most situations, you cannot talk to your co-workers like you can your friends. You are also different with your parents, than a 4 year old child. All different sides of you, different presentations, but you are still being you.

Being aware of our environment, without getting your feelings crushed is listening. You can't listen if something offends or upsets you. To better fit in your world, you must listen to it first, then you can decide if the information is warranted, or not.
When you hear or listen to feedback, all they are commenting on or reacting to are your outside actions. I'm talking from live inter-personal communication, not text, e-mail or chat exchanges.

We should treat any communication as information, instead of thinking of it as something that goes deep to our egos. We should be open to the fact we might not be presenting well. We should be open to the fact that we might not be communicating well. The other side should also remember that it is just an exterior communication we are showing. Some people just get upset by another's attitude, but do not realize this is exterior, do we really know what that person is thinking? Granted, some actions and behaviors should not be tolerated, this is where good listening and awareness of your environment comes into play.

So how do we take people and their actions towards us? What do we do if we feel negative vibes from them? Do we blow them off and stick our noses in the air, or try to ease the tension? Could that make it worse? Sometimes even our good intentions can come across wrong.  Where is the balance here? Sometimes it just takes many tries to find that connection. Sometimes nothing you can do will work. It is self defeating to let this get to you. Easy to say, very hard to take emotionally.

I had one person come up to me and just go off on me. I don't think she realized how she was coming across to me. Because it was in the middle of a work department, I told her we should discuss this some where else. She kept going off and accusing me of things that were not true. I felt her doing this out in the open where others could hear, really put me on the spot and made me feel really uncomfortable. She did not listen to what I said, but more took offense. All I said was we need to discuss this some place else. What happened was, she completely took what I said in an e-mail the wrong way. I was trying to give her information from the supervisor, in what he wanted to do with this project. However, she in turn, interpreted it as me trying to act as a supervisor. What? I was just conveying what the supervisor said, using his name saying this is what he wants. But in her hurried manner and only going off with her impression of the whole situation and not allowing me to say my side, the communication turned unpleasant.

About 4 hours later, After my shift was over and time to go home, I was getting in my car to go home. It was Friday and I was really tired. This co worker comes up to try and reconcile. Loud cargo trucks where driving around us and I couldn't hear. She never said sorry for going off on me, but instead she said she didn't have any "hard feelings against me." That she wasn't "mad at me." I backed off and said, "it is time to home." I was exhausted, didn't want to get into this conversation and I couldn't hear. I felt it was very presumptuous of her that this one way conversation of her reconciling put me in a difficult position. Both situations she was not open to listen to me or see where I was coming from on this issue. It was about her thinking she was reconciling and she being the better person to approach me. She thought I was being resistant and uncooperative. I never got a chance to say my side. Sadly, at the time, I was suffering from some dangerous medical situations that left me extremely fatigue. Having the energy to deal with this was very difficult for me and the best thing I could do at the time was retreat.

What happened is she was looking at the whole situation from her perspective and that her interpretations ruled her actions. She never once listened to what I had to say or even cared to pay attention to what was going on in the environment. She needed to take care of this matter and it was going to be on her terms. If I didn't react the way she wanted, then I was in the wrong. I felt sand blasted by both of her approaches that day. Being tired, I just didn't have the energy to play the super communicator. I wanted to go HOME!

I'm not saying my actions were perfect, but this is an example of how listening wasn't happening on either side. I felt sand blasted and attacked, which doesn't help my listening skills. I shouldn't take such actions so personally. She had some beef with me and was going to make sure I heard everything that was on her mind. She had no listening skills to see where I was coming from and took such offense of something she misunderstood.

Regardless of what happens on either end or what side you are on, listening skills are still valuable even if someone is going off on you. You learn a lot about the other person when you do. Learning how to deal with adversity is a very good skill. The first step is just to listen, listen to the message, don't take it as an attack. When we do take things as an attack, this emits something in us that is non-social. Non-approachable. Conflict rises. Listening, without taking it in as a personal attack, you can see that this person has some problems and issues. In a low voice, I could have said, hey, let's come into this conference room so we can have privacy to talk. Even though we could say she shouldn't have gone off on me, the thing is, sometimes we do need to be the one with the better skills to communicate. The goal, to decrease conflict. If at least one person doesn't know how to decrease the conflict, both sides will fail to communicate.

During communications, we do need to stop, take a deep breath and just listen. We really do need to be aware of our environment, in how people respond to us, but don't take it as Gospel, but as information. Take it as information to tweak our external actions, not to change our whole self. Its not to put us into submission, it is just information. Being open to this might make us more approachable, more socially savvy and more enjoyable. Unfortunately, this will take time to learn how to listen. When we are tired, not feeling well, stressed etc. it is very hard to do listen appropriately. We also need to take the time to shape ourselves to listen better. This takes practice and is a habitual change. So when you are not listening, this isn't a criticism fest time, it is assessing where you are, and moving forward. We are not perfect creatures and people who have better listening skills most likely just have more time practicing. It is about behavioral changes.

Just remember, we can still choose to be ourselves, just how we interact or react needs to undergo some little changes. s different. Some groups like loud, some do not. Some groups like stoic, while some groups want a little more life or personality out of a person. We can adjust as needed, but that doesn't really change us. How we interact with people is all about presentation, not who we are inside. This is not about pleasing others or following others, it is about connecting with different people. Those who seem to have many friends and many activities are those who can adjust to the situation and not conform to one way. This takes practice to adjust your outer social savvy skills. It is a skill, not who we are as a human being. The first step is to just start to listen, become more aware of your environment, become less reactive and think before you talk. Once this first step is practiced, then you can improve on listening skills and having fun in changing how you respond. Try something new. Sometimes you will never reach people, that's ok, either you can keep trying, take a break or more on if you can. But keep those listening skills open, you may really learn something unexpected.