What does Equality mean anyway?

Last night I was reading a blog of a friend I haven't seen for about 25 years. He had gotten a Master's degree and worked with partially sighted and blind youth. He then found a passion of sailing and was the first visually impaired person to sail around the world.

Mutual friends of ours I remember saying back when I was in college, "Oh most of our friends are hiding by getting jobs with the blind." They knew of very few people breaking out in the "real" world.  But what does this really mean?

So back to my young adult friend who has sailed around the world, he gave his philosophy on disability on his web site and his last sentence read:

"I have come to believe whole heartedly that I would rather be a proud and skilled visually impaired person, rather than a person fighting to prove their equality to a “normal” or non disabled person. " ---Scott Duncan 

I haven't been able to shake this statement since I have read it.

I then saw another quote today by an old Greek Philosopher:

"We can't control the impressions others form about us, and the effort to do so, only debases our character." -Epictetus

I really do believe that I have been working too hard to "prove" myself all my life. I have worked so hard in the "normal" or "non-disabled" world  that I have severely crashed. My current job has pushed me due to their attitudes and narrow minded thinking towards me. I pushed harder to prove myself, but didn't realize I was defeating myself more and more. Spinning my wheels. Running myself into the ground. My health took a toll. I was so focused on succeeding, I wasn't paying attention to waht I was doing to myself. Ah yes, life in the "normal" world.

Being trained in education I always thought that education would prevail. That it was just how I presented myself. How well I could sell my ideas. WIth some people I did win over, which solidified my belief, if I just work harder and be patient. But, what I have found, I ran myself into the ground trying to "win" over. However, I almost got there so I kept working harder and harder and harder and then my body and myself couldn't take it anymore. I fell hard. For the past several months I have been trying to figure out what happened.

Between Scott's quote and Epictetus, what on earth was I doing? What am I doing? Even though it may appear that Scott is "hiding" but he also is saying, why work so hard in a stupid world when you can be accepted and succeed in another? There was a time I played on my disability, I then felt it was wrong, so I pushed myself to succeed as a human. To realize it might serve me well to going back being "disabled." The thing is I "am" disabled. I have to realize that I can't jsut function like anyone else. I need accommodations every where I go. I must adapt myself. Either it being my vision or my hearing. So why am I trying to hard to be "normal" when I'm not in thenorm of society? I am different and no shame in that just because others are weirded out about it. OR at first they are accepting, and then get weirded out when they get to know you and how "different" you function.

Thinking about getting a master's degree in Conflict Resolution, how can we resolve the inequality of the disabled and the normal population? We CAN'T!! For someone to feel superior over someone else is a very STRONG ingrained biological thing. That's what we are fighting against.

As of late, connecting up with my friends I grew up with is rather powerful and ovewhelming. Some are living off of SSI. The percentage of people who are is mind boggling. That the struggle for equality was jsut too hard for them. I understand this because here my health is in jeopardy because of it. I'm stuck in this In-Between Deafl-Blind being highly functionable, but having obstacles to over come in a highly competitive world.

After reading the two quotes above in the past 12 hours, so many ways I need to readjust my thinking and for the future. I often wonder if conflict resolution degree is really what I want now. OR would that give me more insight in what I need. I don't know, I haven't been accepted to the program yet.

But the word equality still rings in my head. Such a powerful world, not only an issue with the disabled community, but ethnic, racial and a variety of other groups as well.

What does equality mean to me? Just being accepted as a human being that cognitively can be treated as a peer. Something so simple, but lacking in my life. As Epictetus says above, I think the harder I try to "fit in" society, the more I am probably defeating myelf and debasing my character. Do I find a place where at least a hand people accept me as a peer? Or do I imerge myself in the deaf-blind, blind or deaf world? Maybe the disabled world? There are no easy answers. As time goes on, I don't think bigotry will every go away. People will have their engrained genetic coding to feel superior and try to prove themselves over others and to see people not like them as outside objects from their acceptance circle. In most situations, I have to accept that I can't change that. There is never an end to a cure, other than surround myself around people who accept me as a peer.

My fight to conquer life is down right now. I've fought all my life to over come, but I feel beatened to submission. I will lay low now, but when I can get out of my certain situation, I will come back. I have that fire to break barriers down, but it needs rest now and does not need to waste energy on something it can't control. Bide my time. I'm going through quite a leanring experience now. Now is time to learn, not fight.