For the past several months I have been describing how challenging things are with having a hearing and vision loss through my blog. I described how I felt isolated from my world and growing up having the duel disability. I communicated how recently things have been a challenge, such as the distance of other people, or me just not jiving with people around me, among many other things. I didn't realize while during writing this blog, my vision and hearing were still getting worse. I wasn't only explaining the past, but also was explaining the present. I contributed to feeling more fatigue from having a job where I over used my eye on the computer, and dealing with the various political personalities at work, this has also added stress to my life. To think that I struggled with jobs in the past with trying to read, but that only consisted of 50% of the job or less. Now reading consists of about 90% of the job. Of course people would think, why didn't I try to get a job that didn't use my eye so much? I did. Unfortunately those jobs I applied were highly competitive and I had to take the job that offered me a job.
I also contributed my fatigue to pushing myself to excel. I pushed so hard that I didn't set an end, I just kept pushing. I got lost in pushing, which stressed me. Anything my supervisor gave to me, I just took it and did it. Even if I was overwhelmed and getting behind, I still took it. He also liked that I did the work and he didn't have to push me to do it. I was the first person of choice because I got the work done. However, in the end, I was getting burned out from everything. Not one thing contributed to the burn out, just many things. I am also a new home owner and things at home were falling apart. The law mower belt fell off and my lawn is now nearly three feet high; the garbage disposal quit; the siding on my house warped from the last winter rains; I have a brick wall I have to put back from fixing a main water line. You know all those things, they are called life or the joys of being a homeowner.
A few months ago, I did know that my vision wasn't as good and perhaps my hearing aids need adjustments. I thought I was adjusting to the change, because I thought the ltitle drop had stopped. I expected life to work for me, my further loss had stopped so I could catch up. Life should work that way right? Sure I can adjust to this, bring out the positive thinking. But unfortunately, the drop didn't stop. It was continuous and I wasn't aware. It kept slipping and I was not only in denial, but fighting everything around me which overwhelmed me. Perhaps my declining senses was due to stress. If it is, some how I need to fix this. I kept trying to problem solve every step of the way, sometimes going in circles. How is the best way to get through all of this? I need to face the real issues head on and know what they are first. Though I was burning myself out trying to problem solve everything in my life. Everything from work, home and my health.
I miss friends. I have had many friend throughout the country, but for some reason San Diego seems to be different. People back away, instead of gravitating to me, like other places. I have tried a number of groups here in San Diego, but to no avail, it just hasn't been a good fit. Like the energies or frequencies are just not matching. Something is off.
I do not have a support group here in my home area. Simply, I'm so not jiving here in San Diego. I do have friends across the country I have met over the years, but their distance is disheartening sometimes. However here in San Diego, they arel distant, too busy, too something. No jiving happening here.
A month and a half ago I had a field vision test. It is this large round white ball, probably about two and a half feet in diameter. When you look in side, there is this lens at the opening to match your prescription. Inside, there are a bunch of little light bulbs around the inner part of this white ball. These light bulbs will flash one at a time and at different intensities. Like a hearing test of different tones and loudness, you press a button when you hear the tones. This field vision test is if you see the light, you press the button. The computer records the results. About a week after the test I saw my retina specialist. First being checked by the nurse, it was revealed read the eye chart at 20/80 in my left eye. Of course they were kind enough not to try and get a reading of my right eye. They knew that it had been removed. Some eye doctor offices try to get a reading out of an eye that doesn't exist. At least this place knows what they are doing and actually read past histories.
The nurse asked me if I have noticed any changes in my vision. I said, "Yes. I have noticed my contrast isn't as good as it use to be as I'm missing things." The doctor described the results of the test as "dimmer." What he meant by dimmer is the lights with less intensity, I was not detecting. The vision field test coincides with me noticing my contrast isn't as good. This is similar to a white film or a dirty window that you can't see as clear. Your contrast is distorted. Things are getting harder to detect. After this news, my heart was heavy. It was true that my vision has been getting worse, even recently. Even when you know something is different, sometimes we rationalize stress, bad day, late at night, long day etc. I won't know if it is any of these until I have another test in about a year.
What does this mean? And how has my functioning in my life changed? When I leave my keys on the counter and there are some items next to it. When I come back to find them after a few hours, I'm having a hard time finding the keys. They are lost among a variety of items, even if I'm looking straight at them. Although I have been visually impaired all my life, I have gotten use to functioning at a certain level. I had learned to adjust to compensate for difficulties in seeing or finding items. This is how I look for things today, but reality hits that now I have to adjust and change again to function under the new way I see. Unfortunately, just as I get use to this way, I will have to go through the whole emotional turmoil again, because I will have to adjust to a new level of vision and a new way of searching for keys.
When I'm in a hurry, I use my old methods, scanning the area in a hurry, missing my keys that are right in front of me. I need to slow down, take a breath and scan the area in a different way. I might even have to start using my hands to help compare, and actually see the items. I still have vision left, so I can still use my eye, but will need assistance of better light, hands and other means.
I also have to slow down, when I go grocery shopping. So many times I'm grabbing the wrong product, because I'm skimming the product like I use to when I had 20/50 vision. I'm accidentally grabbing the product that has the word "Light" on it. Any artificial sweetener added to make it "light" makes me nausea or sick. Today with the many choices, you have to read the labels so ever carefully. It is comical when I shop sometimes, an assistance dog with me, bored because I'm spending so much time reading labels. Yes, I hold the can about three inches from my face. While people read about two to three feet from their face. The more vision I loos, the more time I have to take for shopping. Some retail stockers and clerks are very kind to try and help.
Life as of late, has been exasperating and stressful. Sometimes I wish I could just go in the corner, curl up and just cry. It's overwhelming. Haven't I tried to over come my vision challenges enough? It's been a lifetime of ups and downs. Do I ever get a break from constantly adjusting? Being born legally blind, then regaining sight, then later becoming legally blind again, to regain sight, now on the decline again. Wee ha, what a ride! At least for my hearing, it has slowly, but consistently gotten worse. Not that this is easy to handle, but at least it has been constant. Not like my vision, who knows what will happen.
My life has been for a time, even. However, just when I have a grasp of my situation and I've gotten to the point I can function comfortably, my vision and/or hearing changes again. The cycle and process happens all over again. Adjust, change, adjust, change, adjust, change over and over. I'm tired, I want to rest.
I had a hearing test four days ago. I thought it would be the same but found a slight drop. The audio gram instead of starting 250 Hz at 40 db loss, it is now 50db loss. "db" is for decibels, which is how loud a particular tone is during testing. The larger the number, the louder the sound. The tone is in Hz, which is frequency measured in hertz.
When I was a little girl 250 started at a 20db loss. As I heard normal in that tone, but higher frequencies I did have a mild to moderate loss. In about high school 250 Hz slip to 30 db and stayed there for over a decade, then 40db. It this age? Well, hard to prove that it is age. Would they consider this age when I had a difference from elementary school having a mild to moderate loss to a young adult in my 20's a moderate to severe loss? This loss actually has been fairly consistent since I was a child, so I don't contribute it to being old, but the process of loosing hearing over time. Having the connective tissue syndrome called Stickler's, this is also a contributors. I also wonder about hearing aids as they really boost up sounds. They say constant loud noises, like hearing aids can cause hearing loss over time. I've worn hearing aids since I was in second grade.
The loss of both hearing and vision together is a blow. One at a time, I can try to adjust and keep up with the losses, but both is overwhelming. This past month has been hard and again, I just sometimes want to curl under a table in the corner and just cry.
I have confided with a co-worker what was happening. As I told her tears just kept running down my face and I tried so hard to keep a non emotional response, but I was just too upset. My fear, how is this going to affect my world?
The co-worker told me that yeah, you did slip, but you are such an over achiever that you slipped this much, and she holds up her hand showing the space of a little more than an inch. She also mentioned, "But Christy see this slip as this much." She holds up both hands showing the space of one and a half feet. She said the small slip that is really happening, most likely people are not seeing and it goes undetected, but Christy sees it as a foot and a half.
In other words, I am so hard on myself that I see the drop as huge. As disaster, as stressful. I am one who wants to over achieve, I am the perfectionist that sees any drop as devastating. What it has been doing to me is making me exhausted when I'm home, not enjoying life as I should. I have to realize a little slip should be looked as time to adjust, not a catastrophe. I must destress to enable myself to think of better solutions to get the job done. As they say, work smarter, not harder.
I have been noted by many supervisors how I am hard on myself. I'm an overachiever that wants to prove I can be just like anyone else and prove I can over come the issues and problems that come my way to be normal. However, sometimes I loose sight of that because I'm so busy and too involved with over achieving that it sometimes appears as the opposite. Some people think I under achieve, not realizing I have burned myself out. That has happened to a few job, but isn't what is happening currently. If anything I need to de-stress myself to find a balance. This loss is teaching me how to find the right balance.
Another issue that came up was I realized most of my life, people have felt sorry for me, teachers did in high school so their bar of expectations was low. My high school seemed to look at me as the little handicapped girl with all these issues. Poor girl lost her vision in her right eye. Let's just let her through and graduate. But unfortunately my skills were poor and I had to take extra courses in college to bring myself up to par. Perception of others is amazing. I also experienced this other times in my life that people let me slide by because they felt sorry for me. I never learned how to determine excellence for myself since I had so many barriers to over come, which includes a barrier of perception of other people. No matter how hard I could work, I'm still a handicapped girl that people felt sorry for or admired me. How could I find the right balance of excellence for myself? Was I really that good? Or are they feeling sorry for me because I'm handicapped? Lower the admiration level because I have a handicapped. But when I do not achieve something as fast or quick as others, and people do not know the extent of my disability, then I'm remedial. So what am I? A person to be admired? or remedial? How can I judge myself when reality doesn't seem to take a part in my life, just perceptions.
Where does denial fit in all of this? Is it really denial or just oblivion? Where do I fit? Most people fit on a spectrum, but due to being handicapped, exceptions will play a role, but then I have nothing to compare. Am I an over achiever? Or am I just compensating for a loss and need to work harder to reach that goal? Where do I fall on the spectrum?
How do I face what my real loss? How can I know what my limitations are so I can compensate? I sometimes think I'm clueless of how my loss affects me. If I knew better I could compensate, or hide it more. Logically I think, I need to work at a good pace not to burn myself out, but will that then be under achieving? Am I the one that is obsessing my disability that maybe if I stopped looking at it as a factor, I could function at a reasonable pace in life. But instead, the disability becomes so much of who I am, that you can't determine where it ends and where I begin, or vise versa, where I end and the disability begins. It is so blended that to separate it to see who I really am is difficult. Makes is more obscure when my energy level fluctuates. Its a moving target.
So do I tell my work that I'm slipping and I see my work slipping? A co-worker advised not to tell. She says, "You are still performing fine and it is not an issue. No need to tell them anything personal about you as long as you are achieving the work." I think she was right. Why should I sabotage myself with something negative when my work over all hasn't suffered? If they don't ask, I will not tell.
Life goes forward regardless what is happening to me or what thoughts fill my mind. For me to move forward I can find new ways, and problem solve. No need to bring attention to the negative, but show the positive of moving forward. I can achieve. Doing this shows that what ever comes my way, I can handle it and deal with it. I want to avoid what happened to me in my high school. Poor little handicapped girl. I don't need sympathy and I'm not trying to solicit it either. I also do not want them to feel sorry and lower the performance bar. So if my performance is fine, I don't need to tell them anything. Move on. Use my energy to make my life better for me not bring me down with negativity. I need to stop defeating myself. I need to build myself up and that is my goal for now, to continue to build myself up.
How having a limitation has enabled me to see and hear the world better. It has given me things to think about and the value of life. Its time for a new perspective. That is to find my balance to work well, live well and create my home well just what anyone and everyone else needs to do in their lives.