To make change, we must change first

If we want change, we must change first. If something is not going as planned or life is out of balance, change. While something is tipping over, we try to adjust the situation to get things back on balance. Thus we must act, we must change or do something, to get back on balance again. Sometimes we are successful, sometimes we are not, sometimes it just takes a lot of attempts to get there. What will work to keep this item from tipping? We problem solve, work it and keep thinking about it until it item is balanced again. It can take an hour, day, week, month, year, years or maybe even a decade or more before a solution to the problem is found. Success doesn't quit, that's why there is always success, regardless the time it took.

For personal interactions that are not smooth, finding solutions can be easy or difficult. We could be unaware that a change is needed, and not understand that our lives need better balance. Some people go through their whole lives, unbalanced and never knew how to get balanced. Others know they do not have balance, but have challenges in finding their balance. Then give up and go as they have been doing. Then the ones who are out of balance, let go and try to find a solution and when they find it, their life is happy and fulfilled.

A simple tweak can do wonders in a situation, while in another, a major change maybe needed. How do we know what is needed? Are we perceptive enough to find the right change? We can go through life feeling a pseudo balance, not realizing we need balance, and a major challenge comes in our lives. The test, to knock the pseudo balance out of the way so we can face reality. We struggle and are baffled because we thought we had peace and balance. Something is wrong. What happened? I don't have the control of myself I thought I had. We struggle in pain, but then one day, we let go and realize we need to do the change that is needed to get a real balanced life.

Interacting with people can be exhilarating or it can be taxing, depending on the person or their state at the time. Some people bend with you, others dictate that you must approach them in a certain way, or they will shut you out. A person may have a communication style that maybe perfect in one setting, and repulsive in another. It doesn't seem fair that people cannot accept us who we are, but if you are in a situation where you must work with someone who sees you as repulsive, you may have to suck it up and just change to make the situation less stressful.

Why can't people accept me for who I am? You can say that until the cows come home, but the truth of the matter, if you want something to change, you must change first. If you are not connecting with someone and you want to resolve the situation, you must change first. Put the resentment aside, or put the guard down. Take a deep  breath and let the nervousness flow out. Bring more positive energy to yourself. This will set you up for better success to be receptive to the other person. Look for clues in their facial expression, inflection of their voice or body language. For a deaf-blind person this can be challenging as you have to get closer to the person to get the signals they are showing. This can be challenging as you need to respect personal space.

As for anyone who has limitations in communication skills, like a hearing loss or vision loss, the burden is always on us to change. The burden on us to communicate carefully our needs. Let people know that you must come closer. I have found turning sideways helps a person feel less intimidated and you can get closer to them. They will be at more ease as you are closer. It is also polite to come to eve level of a person to a wheelchair. Kneel down or sit in a chair. Do the same to someone who doesn't use a wheelchair. Make it an even mutual exchange. Just these simple changes can make a difference of someone being repulsive, so someone being receptive. It may take time, not only to find the right solution to connect, but to change your own behavior. Breaking old repulsive habits or learning how to use new ones. You may not find that right adjustment at first. Be patient with yourself and certainly be patient with the other person. Don't take it personally. The more you take it personally, the more the other person will sense it and back off. Taking something personally is negative energy that everyone can deal without. That puts barriers into communication.

A deaf-blind person or an in-between deaf-blind person has to adjust in many ways. They are different and have to adjust themselves to overcome the different label. What will make you cool or approachable?

Remembering where you came from...

      Yesterday I was able to meet up with some friends I haven't seen in years. They were a part of my childhood. A time that is so different from now. When you are kids, you are carefree, what troubles you is so different than when you are an adult. Two people I saw yesterday, I haven't seen since I was in elementary school, the other one I haven't seen since I was about nineteen years old. They brought a sense of reality of  who I am and where I came from. This enabled me to see through the heaviness that has surrounded me.

       The past three and a half years have been very hard. I'm around people with repelling energy, they are wrapped up in surviving the rat race. They still hang on to the social structures you learned in middle school or high school to survive. Struggling to be the top leader or trying to be in the "in" group, while ostracizing others. Similar to a sorority or fraternity, to show we are somebody; you are nothing. It is survival. They make judgements, they gossip and bond tighter with their "in" group. They feel secure and feel they are surviving the rat race. They use the targeted person as a scape goat to feel better. But this cycle just continues where full contentment is not reached. I'm the target, this is the type of world I live in every day. But, I was able to get out of this circle for a day. Go back in time and meet up with my past. A time that I was silly giddy. In my adult I have had segments that I was a very happy person, mostly when I was a park ranger. But, my journey took me some place else, a desk job where you are serious. No inspiring people, which actually does give me energy. However, I lost a little of myself in this desk job, being in the office politics, the rat race and lost in the struggle to survive. I'm naive in these types of environments and don't flourish well. Who wants to spend time around someone who is lost and can't play the game? Who wants to be around someone if they can't stay in-tune with the environment. I stand out way too much because I can't play the game, I'm naive, obviously I'm not one of them, so rejection is the best survival mode for them. No time to support or foster the naive person, just roll your eyes at them and hope they go away. It feels like negative energy. I'm ostracized, so I try to survive the best way I can.

But meeting up with my childhood friends, the giddy happy Christ was there, just waiting to come out. I had all this bundle of hyper energy I haven't used in quite awhile. Dying to get out and exploding with enthusiasm when I was around three people who allowed me to be me. How exhilarating. It felt good to be me.

       I realize that when you are in certain environments, you have to have certain composure, which is fine, but being around a lot of suppressed energy or judgements wears. I didn't realize how much it worn me down until yesterday visiting with the friends who brought me back to who I really am as a person. Your environment is important. Being ostracized, being the scape goat or the target, it wears. Even when you think positive, have confidence, you are human. You want a colleague. We all seek camaraderie, not ostracization. I've read many positive quotes, books and sayings trying to get through this, but how do you guard yourself from acid that slowly disintegrates your marble shape? I have changed and noticed that it has worn on me. I work very hard to counter act such an environment, but it is hard. Some days I don't have the energy to flip it off. Some days I'm able to step aside and let it fly by, but I still need to get done what I need to get done. I'm on my own. Very little support.

         In my life as a whole, I don't need more criticism of how I'm not the real Christy I have always been. Some days I'm just not my positive bundle of energy. I need help myself, I need a hand to help me get up after being knocked down so often. Sometimes I just need to be cranky about it to get through this. Some days I'm better than others. When you see my light shine, enjoy. When you don't, don't criticize me, know where I am coming from, that I just may need a kind word to bring me out again. Although I may seem negative, abrupt or not as giddy as I have been, I'm worn, I'm tired. I need to be refreshed. It takes so much energy to shine through the darkness, meet me part of the way and I will ensure to brightness comes through and then some. I'm just in survival mode. I get enough criticism that I am not in a trusting mode. Don't misunderstand me, I just need to change my mode, turn off survival mode and get into happy mode. Sometimes I don't know when to flip that switch when I"m tired.

           Yesterday seeing these nice friends allowed me to turn on my flood lights, maybe I was too bright, but it felt good from my perspective. I been with more energy I haven't seen within myself in ages. Which gives me an idea the type of person I am, for me it is very important for me to choose who is around me. Other people do not have the nerve endings in their external. Because they do not, they cannot understand someone like me, they think I can ignore it. They don't understand that is like trying to ignore finger nails down an old fashion chalk board or a screeching sounds of brakes in a truck. Some things you cannot block out depending of your make up and who you are, it is very arrogant and short sighted of people to try to tell you how to operate, when you are not the same, nor do you have the same neuron endings or communication pathways. It is like telling someone that has eaten a lot of sugar to calm down. Kind of hard.

         I do believe we all emit energy. Some emit great auras of energy, where each one is different. Some people don't understand energies or frequencies that are different. Something different, something they either do not understand or fear. When you are around people who understand your energy, life is great. Life is fulfilled. But when feared, judgement may cloud and interfere with such resonance and cause great distorted sound. Sometimes all you need to do is play together, find the right notes and you can make beautiful music. Just takes a little effort in being open to understand. Like two musicians getting together for the first time. Both have different styles, but they start out awkward. They both listen to each other and before long, they make that connection and the song echos through the air. They were open, they didn't fear to try something new or to try and connect to something different. They are both musicians, love music and will work together to play.

I have been intimidated, suppressed and knocked down, and all I want to do is survive. I don't want to fight, but yet, I have to be on guard for the next surprised. I come in peace. Let me get by.  When I am in survival mode, I am not me, I am using my energies to survive. I am on guard, where I am in survival mode so often, I do not turn that switch off. Forget I'm in this non-social mode. I come home, try to socialize in social media, but fail because I didn't turn the switch off. People get turned off from me. I'm not seeing what I'm writing because I'm tired, I can't see very well. I am so spent, I am not even aware of what is happening. My communication is poor, people misunderstand my intentions. They judge me and misinterpret me. They don't want to connect other than to criticize what I did wrong, which puts me in further survival mode. I've been in survival mode for so long, I have forgotten what it is to be me. Everyone shoving me away because they can't understand nor want to know me. They just take the surface of me, and make judgement. I'm alone. You wonder why this is happening. Things are not blending. Peace is not there. You are in the wrong environment, the wrong surrounding. Everyone then starts to be a threat to me. Who can I trust? They do not want to see the happy giddy me, they prefer to make judgements. How could a geographical place have so much of this intensity? Other places I have lived, you would get some people who would ostracize, make judgements about you, but it feels like all this energy around you is this way. I don't think it is a matter of me or them, but a matter of we are different and effort to meet is not happening. I try to meet, I try to shed some understanding, but they don't listen. My energy level drops ad the days, months and years go by. After so much time, my happy giddy self is stuffed some where, forgotten because I have been in survival mode for so song. Where is she? I know a part of me is upbeat, happy, delight and inspirational. Where is she?

The people I met up with yesterday brought me out, unknowingly, but their shear acceptance and delight to see me enabled me to come out. Come out of darkness after a long time. They were safe.

         The past week I realized I need to take action and move. I have given San Diego my best. It is not on the same frequency as me. It is like two cords that sound together and create tension or an ear sore. I do not have melody here. No matter what I do, how I communicate, it is wrong. I'm tense, and anything I do, will just continue to get worse.  When I am in the right place, I do create melody and harmony. It is effortless. But here while I have been in San Diego, I kept trying, over and over and the melodies are not coming, my efforts make it worse as it is more strained, more forced and not flowing. What they heck is going on here? I denied it, I can make it work. I can think all positive, I can think all great attitude. To no avail, it is not working. Time to stop forcing it. Time to let it flow, the answer comes, it is time to move on.

This isn't anything against San Diego. It has many wonderful qualities. It is a beautiful city by the Pacific and many great things that happen here like large off lead dog parks, dog beach, a mall you can shop with your dog and more. However, this city and I do not have the frequencies to develop a wonderful melody. I have lived other places that this has happened. Places where my energy runs free and flowing. Effortless. This is what yesterday reminded me of, with the friends. It didn't matter what I said, I didn't have to worry, I was accepted. This is how life should be, a circle of friends who are there for you, not being around constant judgement that you are just going to fail, and continue to do so from the stress.

           I think the agency where I work is a good one, I know my energy frequencies doesn't match with my co-workers, where I work now. I have been in other parts of my agency and was able to blend well. This isn't anything against them or me, each person has a different set of energies. When you hit a key on the piano, then another, you will either get two keys that blend well or two keys that do not.  Especially if the piano is out of tune. This is life. One needs to be in the position to change to make the melody, but when one doesn't want to change, it makes it hard.

       Life is that some keys play well together, some keys don't. Some keys are pleasing for some, while not others. Just like genre of music, some is music to your ears, while other genres or types or artists are ear sores. When the mismatch happens, it takes too much energy to peacefully live. When it does match, it is effortless, joyful, peaceful, and definitely fulfilling. I miss those places. Time to move on and vibrate with a matching energy. I see the conflict of energies here a way of telling me my journey is better suited some place else. Some would call this metaphysical, some would call this God, some would just call it, get the hey out of town and don't look back! Regardless, I'm open enough to know it is not me, which I did look first, and then now it is time to move on. I did my best.

            I am going to transfer north. I've always been drawn north and noticed that I have more friends north. It feels right and the city I pick, I think the old Christy will come back. She will be there. She will come out. She will be free, and her natural way of connecting with people will come out instead of messing up under stress, fear and fatigue. She will have less fatigue because she will be more free. I will be leaving San Diego soon. I can't wait and I know it is right. The irony is I had to remember where I came from to know it is right I need to move on to find my music and balance.

More revelations and changes

    For the past several months I have been describing how challenging things are with having a hearing and vision loss through my blog. I described how I felt isolated from my world and growing up having the duel disability. I communicated how recently things have been a challenge, such as the distance of other people, or me just not jiving with people around me, among many other things. I didn't realize while during writing this blog, my vision and hearing were still getting worse. I wasn't only explaining the past, but also was explaining the present. I contributed to feeling more fatigue from having a job where I over used my eye on the computer, and dealing with the various political personalities at work, this has also added stress to my life. To think that I struggled with jobs in the past with trying to read, but that only consisted of 50% of the job or less. Now reading consists of about 90% of the job. Of course people would think, why didn't I try to get a job that didn't use my eye so much? I did. Unfortunately those jobs I applied were highly competitive and I had to take the  job that offered me a job.

     I also contributed my fatigue to pushing myself to excel. I pushed so hard that I didn't set an end, I just kept pushing. I got lost in pushing, which stressed me. Anything my supervisor gave to me, I just took it and did it. Even if I was overwhelmed and getting behind, I still took it. He also liked that I did the work and he didn't have to push me to do it. I was the first person of choice because I got the work done. However, in the end, I was getting burned out from everything. Not one thing contributed to the burn out, just many things. I am also a new home owner and things at home were falling apart. The law mower belt fell off and my lawn is now nearly three feet high; the garbage disposal quit; the siding on my house warped from the last winter rains; I have a brick wall I have to put back from fixing a main water line. You know all those things, they are called life or the joys of being a homeowner.

      A few months ago, I did know that my vision wasn't as good and perhaps my hearing aids need adjustments. I thought I was adjusting to the change, because I thought the ltitle drop had stopped. I expected life to work for me, my further loss had stopped so I could catch up. Life should work that way right? Sure I can adjust to this, bring out the positive thinking. But unfortunately, the drop didn't stop. It was continuous and I wasn't aware. It kept slipping and I was not only in denial, but fighting everything around me which overwhelmed me. Perhaps my declining senses was due to stress. If it is, some how I need to fix this. I kept trying to problem solve every step of the way, sometimes going in circles. How is the best way to get through all of this? I need to face the real issues head on and know what they are first. Though I was burning myself out trying to problem solve everything in my life. Everything from work, home and my health.

       I miss friends. I have had many friend throughout the country, but for some reason San Diego seems to be different. People back away, instead of gravitating to me, like other places. I have tried a number of groups here in San Diego, but to no avail, it just hasn't been a good fit. Like the energies or frequencies are just not matching. Something is off.

        I do not have a support group here in my home area. Simply, I'm so not jiving here in San Diego. I do have friends across the country I have met over the years, but their distance is disheartening sometimes. However here in San Diego, they arel distant, too busy, too something. No jiving happening here.

     A month and a half ago I had a field vision test. It is this large round white ball, probably about two and a half feet in diameter. When you look in side, there is this lens at the opening to match your prescription. Inside, there are a bunch of little light bulbs around the inner part of this white ball. These light bulbs will flash one at a time and at different intensities. Like a hearing test of different tones and loudness, you press a button when you hear the tones. This field vision test is if you see the light, you press the button. The computer records the results. About a week after the test I saw my retina specialist. First being checked by the nurse, it was  revealed read the eye chart at 20/80 in my left eye. Of course they were kind enough not to try and get a reading of my right eye. They knew that it had been removed. Some eye doctor offices try to get a reading out of an eye that doesn't exist. At least this place knows what they are doing and actually read past histories.

      The nurse asked me if I have noticed any changes in my vision. I said, "Yes. I have noticed my contrast isn't as good as it use to be as I'm missing things."  The doctor described the results of the test as "dimmer." What he meant by dimmer is the lights with less intensity, I was not detecting. The vision field test coincides with me noticing my contrast isn't as good. This is similar to a white film or a dirty window that you can't see as clear. Your contrast is distorted. Things are getting harder to detect. After this news, my heart was heavy. It was true that my vision has been getting worse, even recently. Even when you know something is different, sometimes we rationalize stress, bad day, late at night, long day etc. I won't know if it is any of these until I have another test in about a year.
      What does this mean? And how has my functioning in my life changed? When I leave my keys on the counter and there are some items next to it. When I come back to find them after a few hours, I'm having a hard time finding the keys. They are lost among a variety of items, even if I'm looking straight at them. Although I have been visually impaired all my life, I have gotten use to functioning at a certain level. I had learned to adjust to compensate for difficulties in seeing or finding items. This is how I look for things today, but reality hits that now I have to adjust and change again to function under the new way I see. Unfortunately, just as I get use to this way, I will have to go through the whole emotional turmoil again, because I will have to adjust to a new level of vision and a new way of searching for keys.

      When I'm in a hurry, I use my old methods, scanning the area in a hurry, missing my keys that are right in front of me. I need to slow down, take a breath and scan the area in a different way. I might even have to start using my hands to help compare, and actually see the items. I still have vision left, so I can still use my eye, but will need assistance of better light, hands and other means.

        I also have to slow down, when I go grocery shopping. So many times I'm grabbing the wrong product, because I'm skimming the product like I use to when I had 20/50 vision. I'm accidentally grabbing the product that has the word  "Light" on it. Any artificial sweetener added to make it "light" makes me nausea or sick. Today with the many choices, you have to read the labels so ever carefully. It is comical when I shop sometimes, an assistance dog with me, bored because I'm spending so much time reading labels. Yes, I hold the can about three inches from my face. While people read about two to three feet from their face. The more vision I loos, the more time I have to take for shopping. Some retail stockers and clerks are very kind to try and help.
       Life as of late, has been exasperating and stressful. Sometimes I wish I could just go in the corner, curl up and just cry. It's overwhelming. Haven't I tried to over come my vision challenges enough? It's been a lifetime of ups and downs. Do I ever get a break from constantly adjusting? Being born legally blind, then regaining sight, then later becoming legally blind again, to regain sight, now on the decline again. Wee ha, what a ride! At least for my hearing, it has slowly, but consistently gotten worse. Not that this is easy to handle, but at least it has been constant. Not like my vision, who knows what will happen.

       My life has been for a time, even. However, just when I have a grasp of my situation and I've gotten to the point I can function comfortably, my vision and/or hearing changes again. The cycle and process happens all over again. Adjust, change, adjust, change, adjust, change  over and over. I'm tired, I want to rest.

        I had a hearing test four days ago. I thought it would be the same but found a slight drop. The audio gram instead of starting 250 Hz at 40 db loss, it is now 50db loss. "db" is for decibels, which is how loud a particular tone is during testing. The larger the number, the louder the sound. The tone is in Hz, which is frequency measured in hertz.

       When I was a little girl 250 started at a 20db loss. As I heard normal in that tone, but higher frequencies I did have a mild to moderate loss. In about high school 250 Hz slip to 30 db and stayed there for over a decade, then 40db. It this age? Well, hard to prove that it is age. Would they consider this age when I had a difference from elementary school having a mild to moderate loss to a young adult in my 20's a moderate to severe loss? This loss actually has been fairly consistent since I was a child, so I don't contribute it to being old,  but the process of loosing hearing over time. Having the connective tissue syndrome called Stickler's, this is also a contributors. I also wonder about hearing aids as they really boost up sounds. They say constant loud noises, like hearing aids can cause hearing loss over time.  I've worn hearing aids since I was in second grade.

         The loss of both hearing and vision together is a blow. One at a time, I can try to adjust and keep up with the losses, but both is overwhelming. This past month has been hard and again, I just sometimes want to curl under a table in the corner and just cry.  

         I have confided with a co-worker what was happening. As I told her tears just kept running down my face and I tried so hard to keep a non emotional response, but I was just too upset. My fear, how is this going to affect my world?

        The co-worker told me that yeah, you did slip, but you are such an over achiever that you slipped this much, and she holds up her hand showing the space of a little more than an inch. She also mentioned, "But Christy see this slip as this much." She holds up both hands showing the space of one and a half feet. She said the small slip that is really happening, most likely people are not seeing and it goes undetected, but Christy sees it as a foot and a half.

         In other words, I am so hard on myself that I see the drop as huge. As disaster, as stressful. I am one who wants to over achieve, I am the perfectionist that sees any drop as devastating. What it has been doing to me is making me exhausted when I'm home, not enjoying life as I should. I have to realize a little slip should be looked as time to adjust, not a catastrophe. I must destress to enable myself to think of better solutions to get the job done. As they say, work smarter, not harder.

         I have been noted by many supervisors how I am hard on myself. I'm an overachiever that wants to prove I can be just like anyone else and prove I can over come the issues and problems that come my way to be normal. However, sometimes I loose sight of that because I'm so busy and too involved with over achieving that it sometimes appears as the opposite. Some people think I under achieve, not realizing I have burned myself out. That has happened to a few job, but isn't what is happening currently. If anything I need to de-stress myself to find a balance. This loss is teaching me how to find the right balance.

          Another issue that came up was I realized most of my life, people have felt sorry for me, teachers did in high school so their bar of expectations was low. My high school seemed to look at me as the little handicapped girl with all these issues. Poor girl lost her vision in her right eye. Let's just let her through and graduate. But unfortunately my skills were poor and I had to take extra courses in college to bring myself up to par. Perception of others is amazing. I also experienced this other times in my life that people let me slide by because they felt sorry for me. I never learned how to determine excellence for myself since I had so many barriers to over come, which includes a barrier of perception of other people. No matter how hard I could work, I'm still a handicapped girl that people felt sorry for or admired me. How could I find the right balance of excellence for myself? Was I really that good? Or are they feeling sorry for me because I'm handicapped? Lower the admiration level because I have a handicapped. But when I do not achieve something as fast or quick as others, and people do not know the extent of my disability, then I'm remedial. So what am I? A person to be admired? or remedial? How can I judge myself when reality doesn't seem to take a part in my life, just perceptions.

         Where does denial fit in all of this? Is it really denial or just oblivion? Where do I fit? Most people fit on a spectrum, but due to being handicapped, exceptions will play a role, but then I have nothing to compare. Am I an over achiever? Or am I just compensating for a loss and need to work harder to reach that goal? Where do I fall on the spectrum?

         How do I face what my real loss? How can I know what my limitations are so I can compensate? I sometimes think I'm clueless of how my loss affects me. If I knew better I could compensate, or hide it more. Logically I think, I need to work at a good pace not to burn myself out, but will that then be under achieving? Am I the one that is obsessing my disability that maybe if I stopped looking at it as a factor, I could function at a reasonable pace in life. But instead, the disability becomes so much of who I am, that you can't determine where it ends and where I begin, or vise versa, where I end and the disability begins. It is so blended that to separate it to see who I really am is difficult. Makes is more obscure when my energy level fluctuates. Its a moving target.

         So do I tell my work that I'm slipping and I see my work slipping? A co-worker advised not to tell. She says, "You are still performing fine and it is not an issue. No need to tell them anything personal about you as long as you are achieving the work." I think she was right. Why should I sabotage myself with something negative when my work over all hasn't suffered? If they don't ask, I will not tell.

          Life goes forward regardless what is happening to me or what thoughts fill my mind. For me to move forward I can find new ways, and problem solve. No need to bring attention to the negative, but show the positive of moving forward. I can achieve. Doing this shows that what ever comes my way, I can handle it and deal with it. I want to avoid what happened to me in my high school. Poor little handicapped girl. I don't need sympathy and I'm not trying to solicit it either. I also do not want them to feel sorry and lower the performance bar. So if my performance is fine, I don't need to tell them anything. Move on. Use my energy to make my life better for me not bring me down with negativity. I need to stop defeating myself. I need to build myself up and that is my goal for now, to continue to build myself up.

         How having a limitation has enabled me to see and hear the world better. It has given me things to think about and the value of life. Its time for a new perspective. That is to find my balance to work well, live well and create my home well just what anyone and everyone else needs to do in their lives.