The complexity of defining yourself.
We can't shut out the world from feedback, or put up such a rigid shield, we stay in a sheltered cocoon. Tuning out friends when they try to tell you something doesn't help either. They may have something valuable to you, even if you deny it. I am sure we all see from time to time, someone so clueless of themselves and when you try to give them a little mirror to show them what you see, they either turn away or try to break your mirror. Sometimes what some people don't want to hear, is exactly what they need.
On the other hand, there are times you cannot let people define you. What they tell you, they may not have the full picture or understanding. People will put narrow labels on a person because they only want to see that person a certain way. Their filters may not be allowing all light to come in. They don't see your full glow in the light and pass judgement. Sometimes it is their ego where they patronize you or knock you down. In a competitive situation, this could be very true. Like the workplace where stakes of recognition are high. People will try to psyche you out.
The key to defining yourself is to listen. Not only listen to advice that is good for you, but listen to other comments as well. This doesn't mean you absorb the toxic message and take it to heart, but instead just listen to the message in a non-personal way. There is a message the person is disclosing and it could be more about them, than it is about you. Listen how you can use their message as an advantage. What message are they really saying to help you succeed, while they could be trying to tear you down. When people hear things they do not like, we shut it out, missing valuable information by being too defensive. You can learn a lot about a person by just listening to them. Their message maybe degrading, but you might be able to see their pain, or their issues that can tell you a lot about them. Listening to them enables you to define yourself even better. It teaches you how to deal with people who are having issues.
Listening allows you to learn. It is all how you take the information and how you use it. Reacting and spitting it back on the person is just defense, and defense is poor communication and counter productive unless you are in an official professional debate or your life is really threatened. Otherwise being defensive doesn't really accomplish much. You hide from reality and what is really happening.
How to take a message is a balance. Balance is work. When you try to stand on one leg and keep your balance, it can be difficult at first. You need to feel the right way to balance your body. The muscles will take time to strengthen and becomes toned. Do you lean right? Do you lean left? Forward? Back? to balance yourself? It all depends on the situation. Letting yourself feel where to balance helps you go with the flow, just like letting yourself be open to listening. I stress again, being open to hear doesn't me you absorb it for yourself or let it become you, you take it in as information to use.
The irony in my life has been, I have learned a lot about myself being in a negative environment. So many people resist negativity, but it isn't about resisting their negativity, It is about how we handle their negativity. The more we shut it out, the less we learn how to deal with it and the less we can handle it. Handling or dealing with someones negative input enables us to learn how to be more positive and grounded in ourselves. It helps us define ourselves. .
How did I rise above the negativity? How did and do I conquer it so I can handle negativity in the future? By finding myself and grounding myself. Then I don't have to tell anyone else what to do, I don't have to present myself as superior while they try to find their better place in life. I then respect the other person more and I'm able to have clearer thinking to communicate better with them. There are just some people we have to deal with on a daily basis if we like it or not. Being grounded in yourself actually enables less stress. You let go of the urge to control someone else just because you don't like what they a re saying. We live here in the U. S. life in a free world and people have rights to their freedom of speech.
Another way to put this, and the risk of being redundant:
Defining yourself is being able to take a horrible situation and rise above it. Pushing it away, ignoring it really only temporary gives you relief, but you will never learn how to deal with an environment until you face it, talk to it, listen to it, and understand it. This is how you define yourself, don't let others define you.
My reactions are me, no one else can really take ownership of my reactions. I have complete responsibility of my reactions since I can choose how I react to someone. If I'm offended, that's my issue. If you go around life trying tnot to offend people, guess what, even when you try not to offend, you will anyway. We can't please everyone, even when we try to please. This is why it is so important to be grounded in ourselves and be open to listen to others. This is how we define ourselves.
When something you know is true and you have truly defined yourself, there is no reason to react in an upset or aggravated way. If someone feels you are something you are not, let them be, you might learn something from their perception. We may think we are a certain way, but what we show to other people might be very different. People are entitled to their thoughts. Sometimes they might just be right. In law enforcement, the stronger someone denies something or becomes too reactive, the more the Law Enforcement officers believes that person is in denial of the truth or trying to cover up. But if you are grounded, you don't have to react or be overly defensive. You can calmly explore why t he other person thinks so, and then can communicate more effectively.
Defining yourself is about being grounded, knowing yourself, taking responsibility for your actions and having a good balance of knowing how to listen to information that comes your way. This takes time to condition, and you will always have to keep up with the conditioning. Cheers to knowing yourself.