Anyone can go to a senior citizen rec room and listen to the old folks talk about their ailments, aches and pains. You would hear something like, "Oh, if you think that is bad, I have this." And around it goes all day long. Everyone has aches and pains and everyone has to get through something. One time or another, we are all have some kind of pain or ache story to tell. Sometimes, it just feels good to complain about it. Usually people will throw sympathy and that attention of social acceptance just makes you feel validated. But on the other hand, others will roll their eyes and snap, "Quit your complaining, I don't want to hear it!"
Regardless big or small, it is still something we have to learn how to deal. If we get more than one or two things occurring at once, it is more difficult to juggle. I got a scare almost several months back when my Triglycerides were 1173, where the value you want is 150 or less. My cholesterol was 362 and other values were not good as well. These values are telling me that there is thick sludge pumping through my veins. That fear that comes over me and I think, "am I going to croak?" Just before this test, I had slept for three days, wondering what was wrong with me. I had low energy. The blood test also revealed anemia, low Vitamin D and low calcium. Oh fun, anything else? Stress. I had a tight muscle that felt like I had a slip disk in my back. Although a later doctor appointment confirmed no. Then when lying in some grass at a dog training facility, I laid there for a good 10 minutes and my back popped and I felt much better. I then wondered if this was the problem? The next two nights I slept with no pain and didn't get woken up by upper back pain. Oh, I guess I better start going to a chiropractor. Never been to one, but looks like if I have something similar, I know where to go to solve the middle of the night pain.
Earlier this year I was side swiped by having decreased vision and hearing. But I wonder, could I just be so unhealthy now that the sludge running through my veins is affecting optimal performance of my hearing and vision? Could it be?
When your health is down, you don't function to your potential. I also notice that people start acting different around you, as if you are lazy or just need a good kick in the pants. I find it interesting people assume too quickly if you can't function like the average spectrum, they start treating you as if you don't matter. That you are a burden or a drag. You sense a bit of a distance from these people, making all the judgements like "oh get over yourself." Well hard to move normal when you have sludge running in your veins, less vision, less hearing and just over all exhausted from not enough iron and other minerals you need. People seem to get a little put off if they have to put more out for you. Like having toe explain something a bit more, or not understanding why you are not right on your game. People are so ignorantly critical.
I had been on Triglyceride medication, but it has caused other malfunctions of my muscle in my body. If I don't take such medication, I'm headed straight to pancreatitis. I'm one sick girl if I don't watch it. But with this inflammation throughout my body, it hurts to move. Thus, how can I exercise? I try to eat well but I have developed such an addiction to bad foods, this is not helping either. I'm a bit overwhelmed with how to get myself back. Trying to keep up with life has been daunting, exhausting, and exasperating. I try, I really try. Then fall and feel like I need to give up. Why? I miss feeling my bouncy exhilarating self. I need the extra energy to fill in what I can't see and hear to connect to my world. Instead, it is easier to hide, and sleep and do nothing.
Another one of my addictions is social media. I do not get out enough to socialize, so social media is it for me. But then it absorbs me where I am starting to not function and it is interfering not only with my life but my progress to better health. It allows me to escape my world that I know it. I can forget that my house is a mess, that I don't feel well, that I'm exhausted in the evenings. I now have a Place to escape all of what is going on.
Of course very few understand this. They think I"m just lazy, disorganized or something. Those who judge, have such luxury, but they don't realize they also create more oft he problem, the distance and push off vibes they give. This time more than every in my life, I need acceptance. But the true positive thinker I try to be, I think how does this help me? It helps me to find myself to build myself. Since the outside world doesn't understand, I have to create my own world of understanding.
But what I need to do, is how do I not take medication and get this horrific level of Triglycerides down? In that past when I did 2 hours of rigorous exercise, my blood chemistry looked good, but why do I have to do that much exercise? Today I don't want to get up and move. is sad since I was a person who loved to be on the go and move around. It isn't laziness, it is a physiological thing where my body is shutting down. My life depends on me changing.
The good news is things are shifting to the better, but not fast enough to get my body humming a great tune. Take one day at a time, write out my life schedule, and keep moving, that's what I need to do instead of shutting down, is take all mental ability to keep moving.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Sunday, December 02, 2012
Cultural Diversity
We think of Cultural Diversity as a diverse group of people people in one place where they come from different geographical areas like other countries. We see them with growing up in a different way, with a different language, different customs, different morals, different communication skills, different clothing, etc. even the way they learned how to approach people is very different. If they move to a place that is different from where they grew up, they may experience a culture shock. They could think people are rude, cold or insensitive. The other observation could happen too, that the new place could be really nice, open, and freer than what they grew up with as a child. Either way, it can be rather overwhelming. Culture shock can be experienced by the country girl on a farm, moving to the big city or vise versa, the tough city girl moving to the country.
Wikipedia has an overview of: Culture Diversity:
"The many separate societies that emerged around the globe differed markedly from each other, and many of these differences persist to this day. As well as the more obvious cultural differences that exist between people, such as language, dress and traditions, there are also significant variations in the way societies organize themselves, in their shared conception of morality, and in the ways they interact with their environment. Cultural diversity can be seen as analogous to biodiversity.[1]"
I can't shake the thought that perhaps, a person with a disability is more someone that has a cultural difference. The reason I ponder this from the way society treats disabled individuals as outsiders. Depending on the disability, they approach communication in a different way; they read in a different way; they socialize in a different way; they walk in a different way; and they process information in a different way. Do we need to view a disability as not an able person but yet their approach in life is different from the average person? Just like not everyone can be a brain surgeon or rocket scientist. Not becoming one doesn't make a person lesser in society. Talents lie on a spectrum and to be exceptionally talented in one area, they are probably dysfunctional in another. That's normal. This si true in a social world, a person that doesn't fit in a particular group doesn't mean they are socially dysfunctional. One group cuold be more right brain creative, while another group is seriously factual with correctness. Two different approaches of communication. Neither one is more correct than the other. They are just different. However, one side will look at the other as weird, stupid or crazy. So why do people put down or look down on those who function different?
A person with a disability may have a limitation in a particular function. Some people may not see the limitation and it can be hidden well. Out of sight, out of mind, then for some it just doesn't exist. They can socially and culturally fit in. Others cannot hide the disability. .
Socially, it is politically correct to accept a person with a disability, but there are still social protocols. I can't explain it, but most people know it. Kind of the who's in and who's not type of social complexities.
An inability can be over looked. It can depend how the person handles themselves. It is so difficult to pinpoint what is culturally or socially accepted and what is not. If someone battles with fatigue it can be misinterpreted as lazy or slow. Someone who is trying to "milk the system." We may not in reality know how much effort they are putting out. Like one person is swimming in something thinner than water, while another person it is like trying to swim in molasses. The latter person is putting out 3-4 times the energy the person swimming in thinner than water, while the person moving as if they are swimming in molasses is looked at as slow, not up to par. The former person is showing speed, quickness that gets everyone's attention. They think they are really something, while they snub the other person as lazy. Outside appearances are what people see.
In general, people do not like slow. They have to see reason and even if they actually see the reason why someone is slow, there is still a certain attitude of lack of ability. They have to be extremely exceptional in other areas to over come their limitation that is so visual. People sometimes mix helping someone with patronization in these situations.
Humans like to categorize. They also like to label. They meet a certain type of person from another country and subconsciously will think all people from that country act or do that way. It is almost instantaneous.It is the same for when someone meets a deaf person, they think they a re all the same and you accommodate them all the same. Just as if someone meets one blind person, they think they are all the same. Not all blind know Braille, not all blind are totally blind, some have a little sight with each person seeing a little bit different. You cannot assume all blind people are the same. They have a distinct culture among them, but they have individual needs related to their blindness. Putting labels on a person doesn't allow the person to tell their story and limits in you getting to know them.
Sometimes a word or a description puts a label on a person.For a few decades, the disabled community has been trying to come up with a word or term that gives a person with a disability empowerment. Originally the term was handicapped, but that term became poisoned because it meant something sickeningly pathetic to certain people. The term handicapped had such a negative connotation that society labeled all disabled in the same category and ostracized them from society. Let's segregate, shun and keep them away from us. So Handicapped was a bad term, let's change it to try and make a person with a limitation more human. The term that was put in its place disabled. Ironically, dis means away from, so disabled means away from being abled. Isn't that a worse term than handicapped? The interesting thing is culture and human society is what poisoned the word handicapped. Today the word disabled is becoming poisoned as well. A person that is less than. That negative connotation is surfacing, "oh yeah that law says we have to hire disabled." Bad association. Two jobs I was hired for, when the "office" found out a disabled person was hired. A wave of a negative "gossip" spread through the office before my first day. Imagine, people already making an assumptions, putting a negative label on me, before they ever met me. What were they really revolting? The term? The disability? They heard a description and term of me, and made assumptions. I wouldn't be an equal player.
As for terms, many people feel language is extremely important, but will attitudes and perceptions undo any word that is chosen to describe a disabled person? When can the human be looked at as a HUMAN regardless of any function they do and do not have? Isn't this how we raise a community to accept people and seek their strengths, rather than focus on a lack of ability in a certain area? Focus on what a person can do will create progress forward and gives empowerment to all.
Why is function so important in a civilized community today? It isn't like we all have to hunt for food and someone who cannot hunt big game or weave a basket is lessor. Look at Stephen Hawkins and what he contributes to society with his knowledge of astrophysics? He has a severe loss of function with his body, not his mind. Not every disabled person can be a genius in physics, but one shouldn't have to be extraordinarily exceptional to be accepted as capable or considered a human being in our society.
Are the disabled viewed as sick? What allows people to look down on a disabled person? That we must patronize and shun to feel ok and safe? Talcott Parson's concept of sick people talks about how doctors will treat sick people different. His article, "The Sick Role and the Role of the Physician Reconsidered." The caring role turns some people into being a bit patronizing.
Perception of people also is changed as they see the fund raisers for Muscular Dystrophy and in the old days, Jerry Lewis would help with the fund raising efforts. Oh these poor, poor children. This advertisement of patronizing this disabled group. Although money was raised, what perception was created? The more they could show how pathetic the situation these children had to live, the more they could get the money to roll in. The "poster" child of sadness to tug on people's hearts to donate money. How did this help the disabled community as a whole? I know many disabled people resented these high profile fund raisers. That is a whole new topic in itself, but for the sake of here, what perceptions towards disabled individuals was created? Most would say they did more harm than good.
This type of awareness can bring too much negative attention. Similarly when work places focus on sensitivity training for the disabled. People will become resentful, why do we have to make them so special? Understanding is what is wanted, but the perception is negative attention. Perhaps if we could do more a cultural difference type of sensitivity training to include all groups from all races, culture, types of people and put disabled humans in there without calling them disabled. Show they are culturally different and how they have to be creative in how they function in the world. Not to be put off by their differences. Perhaps this could bring it together, rather than focusing on "disability" and how pathetic it is.
Even some churches view people with a disability has being punished by God. Which is rather narrow thinking. Even some new age thinkers says that a person who is disabled wanted to be that way. That everything is all generated by our thoughts. I think our thoughts are powerful, but I do believe this is going a bit too far to say we chose our disability, we chose our parents etc. This segregates a disabled person more from society, that we wanted to be outcasts. In all nature, and human survival, we have a need to belong to a community for survival. We inherently want to be included, even psychology will point out that people have the need to be in a group, be it group, family, cult, gang etc. So, I do not follow the belief a disabled person chose to be disabled. Some people wish they were disabled as they think the disabled community gets a lot of perks, but if they did become disabled, they would soon find out quickly, it is not a big happy party.
A variety of perceptions out there and how to change them will be difficult. But my first movement to go in a positive direction is to say that a disability is more of a cultural difference.
Who should be included under the cultural difference umbrella? Only those who are 100% blind or 100% deaf? Cannot walk at all? What about those who are in-between? Not deaf, not blind, but hard-of-hearing or partially sighted? They have more function than someone who has a complete hearing loss or vision loss, but not quote equal to a fully sighted or fully hearing person. They have to modify, change and be creative in how they accomplish tasks with partial sight and partial hearing. Many times the in-between person's limitation is invisible. People do not see the struggle or the obstacles they must go through, but they notice something is different. They just can't put their finger on it. Creating a cultural difference. When a person talks about their disability, the non disabled community will think they are milking the system with their "mild" loss, not realizing they could have a severe loss. Mostly because they cannot see it. I'm not saying that there are not people out there milking the system. There exist and cause more trouble for the people who work hard to appear normal and function the best they can. Again, people making assumptions and labels. Get to know the person before making the label. Know their culture, their abilities and how they function before makign such an assumption.
But even if someone can't see the disability, why does society have a hard time grasping the in-between? They seem to think that you are either 100% disabled, or not. That being in-between doesn't have its challenges. Missing out 50% of what people say, isn't a disability. Getting only 50% of a conversations, you are missing a huge portion and probably misunderstanding the conversation. That is a huge disadvantage.Some of those with a hearing loss get the, "Oh you hear when you want to" comment from hearing people. Like hearing on an amplified phone is proves you can "hear" when trying to hear someone across the table from you in a noisy restaurant where your hearing aids pick up more background noise than the person talking, you are faking your hearing loss because you can't hear them. The communication shuts down. The person with the hearing loss can't hear and the other person assumes attitude or social personality flaw. Similarly to someone who is culturally different.
When we can set aside the label and get to know the person and their culture, a whole new world of understanding. When someone emerges themselves into deaf culture or into learning how to volunteer for the blind, they see the person, not the disability. Soon, terms like disability disintegrate and the individual and their uniqueness from others with disabilities is seen. This is similar to being able to see the variety species of flowers or little critters in the vast large forest, rather than just seeing the forest at a distance. Instead of saying that's the forest and keeping at a distance, walk up, keep eyes open, explore, interact and a whole new understanding forms. It is about getting to know a person. Building a relationship that can be professional, friendship, or intimate. Then the term disability is gone, forgotten, because the person opened up and got to know the person. No segregation, categorizing, assumptions and labeling. Just as people have narrow thoughts, these narrow thoughts and prejudices trap a person. They must over come enormous barriers and are limited to where they can intermingle, because most people keep those labels and prejudices in their minds and can't open their minds to learn about all kinds of people.
Wikipedia has an overview of: Culture Diversity:
"The many separate societies that emerged around the globe differed markedly from each other, and many of these differences persist to this day. As well as the more obvious cultural differences that exist between people, such as language, dress and traditions, there are also significant variations in the way societies organize themselves, in their shared conception of morality, and in the ways they interact with their environment. Cultural diversity can be seen as analogous to biodiversity.[1]"
I can't shake the thought that perhaps, a person with a disability is more someone that has a cultural difference. The reason I ponder this from the way society treats disabled individuals as outsiders. Depending on the disability, they approach communication in a different way; they read in a different way; they socialize in a different way; they walk in a different way; and they process information in a different way. Do we need to view a disability as not an able person but yet their approach in life is different from the average person? Just like not everyone can be a brain surgeon or rocket scientist. Not becoming one doesn't make a person lesser in society. Talents lie on a spectrum and to be exceptionally talented in one area, they are probably dysfunctional in another. That's normal. This si true in a social world, a person that doesn't fit in a particular group doesn't mean they are socially dysfunctional. One group cuold be more right brain creative, while another group is seriously factual with correctness. Two different approaches of communication. Neither one is more correct than the other. They are just different. However, one side will look at the other as weird, stupid or crazy. So why do people put down or look down on those who function different?
A person with a disability may have a limitation in a particular function. Some people may not see the limitation and it can be hidden well. Out of sight, out of mind, then for some it just doesn't exist. They can socially and culturally fit in. Others cannot hide the disability. .
Socially, it is politically correct to accept a person with a disability, but there are still social protocols. I can't explain it, but most people know it. Kind of the who's in and who's not type of social complexities.
An inability can be over looked. It can depend how the person handles themselves. It is so difficult to pinpoint what is culturally or socially accepted and what is not. If someone battles with fatigue it can be misinterpreted as lazy or slow. Someone who is trying to "milk the system." We may not in reality know how much effort they are putting out. Like one person is swimming in something thinner than water, while another person it is like trying to swim in molasses. The latter person is putting out 3-4 times the energy the person swimming in thinner than water, while the person moving as if they are swimming in molasses is looked at as slow, not up to par. The former person is showing speed, quickness that gets everyone's attention. They think they are really something, while they snub the other person as lazy. Outside appearances are what people see.
In general, people do not like slow. They have to see reason and even if they actually see the reason why someone is slow, there is still a certain attitude of lack of ability. They have to be extremely exceptional in other areas to over come their limitation that is so visual. People sometimes mix helping someone with patronization in these situations.
Humans like to categorize. They also like to label. They meet a certain type of person from another country and subconsciously will think all people from that country act or do that way. It is almost instantaneous.It is the same for when someone meets a deaf person, they think they a re all the same and you accommodate them all the same. Just as if someone meets one blind person, they think they are all the same. Not all blind know Braille, not all blind are totally blind, some have a little sight with each person seeing a little bit different. You cannot assume all blind people are the same. They have a distinct culture among them, but they have individual needs related to their blindness. Putting labels on a person doesn't allow the person to tell their story and limits in you getting to know them.
Sometimes a word or a description puts a label on a person.For a few decades, the disabled community has been trying to come up with a word or term that gives a person with a disability empowerment. Originally the term was handicapped, but that term became poisoned because it meant something sickeningly pathetic to certain people. The term handicapped had such a negative connotation that society labeled all disabled in the same category and ostracized them from society. Let's segregate, shun and keep them away from us. So Handicapped was a bad term, let's change it to try and make a person with a limitation more human. The term that was put in its place disabled. Ironically, dis means away from, so disabled means away from being abled. Isn't that a worse term than handicapped? The interesting thing is culture and human society is what poisoned the word handicapped. Today the word disabled is becoming poisoned as well. A person that is less than. That negative connotation is surfacing, "oh yeah that law says we have to hire disabled." Bad association. Two jobs I was hired for, when the "office" found out a disabled person was hired. A wave of a negative "gossip" spread through the office before my first day. Imagine, people already making an assumptions, putting a negative label on me, before they ever met me. What were they really revolting? The term? The disability? They heard a description and term of me, and made assumptions. I wouldn't be an equal player.
As for terms, many people feel language is extremely important, but will attitudes and perceptions undo any word that is chosen to describe a disabled person? When can the human be looked at as a HUMAN regardless of any function they do and do not have? Isn't this how we raise a community to accept people and seek their strengths, rather than focus on a lack of ability in a certain area? Focus on what a person can do will create progress forward and gives empowerment to all.
Why is function so important in a civilized community today? It isn't like we all have to hunt for food and someone who cannot hunt big game or weave a basket is lessor. Look at Stephen Hawkins and what he contributes to society with his knowledge of astrophysics? He has a severe loss of function with his body, not his mind. Not every disabled person can be a genius in physics, but one shouldn't have to be extraordinarily exceptional to be accepted as capable or considered a human being in our society.
Are the disabled viewed as sick? What allows people to look down on a disabled person? That we must patronize and shun to feel ok and safe? Talcott Parson's concept of sick people talks about how doctors will treat sick people different. His article, "The Sick Role and the Role of the Physician Reconsidered." The caring role turns some people into being a bit patronizing.
Perception of people also is changed as they see the fund raisers for Muscular Dystrophy and in the old days, Jerry Lewis would help with the fund raising efforts. Oh these poor, poor children. This advertisement of patronizing this disabled group. Although money was raised, what perception was created? The more they could show how pathetic the situation these children had to live, the more they could get the money to roll in. The "poster" child of sadness to tug on people's hearts to donate money. How did this help the disabled community as a whole? I know many disabled people resented these high profile fund raisers. That is a whole new topic in itself, but for the sake of here, what perceptions towards disabled individuals was created? Most would say they did more harm than good.
This type of awareness can bring too much negative attention. Similarly when work places focus on sensitivity training for the disabled. People will become resentful, why do we have to make them so special? Understanding is what is wanted, but the perception is negative attention. Perhaps if we could do more a cultural difference type of sensitivity training to include all groups from all races, culture, types of people and put disabled humans in there without calling them disabled. Show they are culturally different and how they have to be creative in how they function in the world. Not to be put off by their differences. Perhaps this could bring it together, rather than focusing on "disability" and how pathetic it is.
Even some churches view people with a disability has being punished by God. Which is rather narrow thinking. Even some new age thinkers says that a person who is disabled wanted to be that way. That everything is all generated by our thoughts. I think our thoughts are powerful, but I do believe this is going a bit too far to say we chose our disability, we chose our parents etc. This segregates a disabled person more from society, that we wanted to be outcasts. In all nature, and human survival, we have a need to belong to a community for survival. We inherently want to be included, even psychology will point out that people have the need to be in a group, be it group, family, cult, gang etc. So, I do not follow the belief a disabled person chose to be disabled. Some people wish they were disabled as they think the disabled community gets a lot of perks, but if they did become disabled, they would soon find out quickly, it is not a big happy party.
A variety of perceptions out there and how to change them will be difficult. But my first movement to go in a positive direction is to say that a disability is more of a cultural difference.
Who should be included under the cultural difference umbrella? Only those who are 100% blind or 100% deaf? Cannot walk at all? What about those who are in-between? Not deaf, not blind, but hard-of-hearing or partially sighted? They have more function than someone who has a complete hearing loss or vision loss, but not quote equal to a fully sighted or fully hearing person. They have to modify, change and be creative in how they accomplish tasks with partial sight and partial hearing. Many times the in-between person's limitation is invisible. People do not see the struggle or the obstacles they must go through, but they notice something is different. They just can't put their finger on it. Creating a cultural difference. When a person talks about their disability, the non disabled community will think they are milking the system with their "mild" loss, not realizing they could have a severe loss. Mostly because they cannot see it. I'm not saying that there are not people out there milking the system. There exist and cause more trouble for the people who work hard to appear normal and function the best they can. Again, people making assumptions and labels. Get to know the person before making the label. Know their culture, their abilities and how they function before makign such an assumption.
But even if someone can't see the disability, why does society have a hard time grasping the in-between? They seem to think that you are either 100% disabled, or not. That being in-between doesn't have its challenges. Missing out 50% of what people say, isn't a disability. Getting only 50% of a conversations, you are missing a huge portion and probably misunderstanding the conversation. That is a huge disadvantage.Some of those with a hearing loss get the, "Oh you hear when you want to" comment from hearing people. Like hearing on an amplified phone is proves you can "hear" when trying to hear someone across the table from you in a noisy restaurant where your hearing aids pick up more background noise than the person talking, you are faking your hearing loss because you can't hear them. The communication shuts down. The person with the hearing loss can't hear and the other person assumes attitude or social personality flaw. Similarly to someone who is culturally different.
When we can set aside the label and get to know the person and their culture, a whole new world of understanding. When someone emerges themselves into deaf culture or into learning how to volunteer for the blind, they see the person, not the disability. Soon, terms like disability disintegrate and the individual and their uniqueness from others with disabilities is seen. This is similar to being able to see the variety species of flowers or little critters in the vast large forest, rather than just seeing the forest at a distance. Instead of saying that's the forest and keeping at a distance, walk up, keep eyes open, explore, interact and a whole new understanding forms. It is about getting to know a person. Building a relationship that can be professional, friendship, or intimate. Then the term disability is gone, forgotten, because the person opened up and got to know the person. No segregation, categorizing, assumptions and labeling. Just as people have narrow thoughts, these narrow thoughts and prejudices trap a person. They must over come enormous barriers and are limited to where they can intermingle, because most people keep those labels and prejudices in their minds and can't open their minds to learn about all kinds of people.
- Jody Ambrose Actually, not that I have tons of spare time, but I am kind of intrigued by your situation and would be kind if interested in writing something for publication. The bigger picture of your particular situation is that the rest of us, even the deaf or the blind, really can't imagine what it's like for you navigating day-to-day life. And my recent experience working with PTSD and TBI is similar, in that the "high functioning" cases are the ones that really struggle the most because the people around them consistently underestimate their difficulties and they feel so much pressure to maintain those expectations.
Christy Hill Oh man Heidi's Helpers Yes! why are we not evolved more? I felt that some years back it was easier. I wonder if the entitlement generation resents that "I'm special" and that they have to give me "special treatment" when all I'm asking is for accommodation.
Heidi's Helpers Jody, the unspolen pressure you mention is monumental and on a day to day basis takes a lot of 'recovery' and 'maintenance' time. Performance anxiety is so high to try to meet peole's mixed expecattions which are not clear. Higher-functioning or 'invisible' disabilities bring on complex self-esteem and self-determination consequences, that are in private and the mainstreamers do not see.- Christy Hill Jody Ambrose WOW! YES! Right on the money! You said it so well!!!!! I'm in grad school now in Negotiation, Conflict Resolution and Peace Building. my papers will focus on this topic. What can a disabled person do themselves to change their behaviors to be understood and have more inclusion.
- Christy Hill Heidi's Helpers what an awesome gem you just wrote. Head right on the nail! YES! SO well said!
- Heidi's Helpers sometimes onlookers are taken aback by a disabled person's "will to succeed, will to thrive." and judge them as not disabled, which is a set up for failure
Jody Ambrose Hell, I might be able to crib a pretty decent article just out of the comments in this thread.
- Christy Hill I need to get back in blog writing....but ugh have other things I need to do. Mickey's hide has "cooked" enough, so time to see if he finds his scent. We haven't done this in a few months.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Saturday, October 06, 2012
Everyone is different, so why does my different seems more different?
I always thought, the more I describe my disability, the more people would understand and I would be more accepted as an equal. I'm starting to believe the opposite is happening, where people either ostracize or avoid me more. That too much focus is being put on the differences I have from someone else. For some, it creates a bit of a hostility in a way that a disabled person is "special." There is a lot of confusion between special treatment and an accommodation. However, when someone misunderstands or has a difficult time communicating with me, I tend to want to explain. But some people resent this.
I have seen the attitudes of, "What makes you think you are so special?" As if a person with a limitation is asking for more than just trying to fit into this world and be an equal person. I realize a disabled person will sometimes get more attention. We are different, we work different, we process or approach things different. For some people, that is such a cool thing, for others it turns on their jealousy button. But here, the disability becomes a focus, where is the person? They get lost under the disability. Being admired for the disability or being resented. What happened to just accepting the person as a person? Can't they just get to know the human and then make the judgement?
A week or so ago, a mother posted on a list that she was requested to write a letter about her son's vision and hearing loss to the school. One person said, well ask if every other parent can write about their child and give that to you. I thought that was a great point. I later chimed in and said, "You have the power to write what ever you want. You don't have to write about the disability. You can write about how your child wants to be accepted and be apart of the school community just like anyone else."
Throughout the years getting to know classmates in college and co-workers in internships and jobs I have had, I found one thing to be consistent. The people who better accommodated me weren't the ones I explained to, but the ones who were open to meet me and get to know me as a human being. The ones I had issues with where the ones that were judgmental, closed minded and didn't try to get to know me.
I'm starting to understand that me explaining how to talk to me or work around me, I need to work with decent people. It is about attitude because with a person who is open with the right attitude, they will get it just by being around me. If something seems rude about me, don't take it as rude, but take it as perhaps something is going on. Do more investigation or learn, don't label. Think about a person who has a vision and hearing limitation. The two things we need to converse with another person. Think how they need to function in their environment. If you have average hearing and vision, there is no way you can even know how any person with a hearing and vision loss functions. In fact, each person that is deaf-blind varies. So what you learn with one person, is going to be completely different with another. So how can you assume you know?
The most challenging thing to try and intermingle or be apart of a social world is to try and get people to slightly change their behaviors so you can be apart of that social crowd or network. Some people think nothing of it to accommodate, while others think it to be either special treatment or a chore. They walk away and just do not want to deal with it. Honestly, it isn't that difficult. I grew up doing this with friends who had vision or hearing worse than mine.
All anyone wants to do is be accepted and apart of the community. Those with a hearing loss tend to have a slightly different culture than hearing people. Their way of communication is misunderstood and labeling leads to distancing themselves from the person, rather trying to understand the person. Be open, don't worry about doing anything wrong, connect with the person to learn about the individual. You might surprise yourself. You may learn something.
I have seen the attitudes of, "What makes you think you are so special?" As if a person with a limitation is asking for more than just trying to fit into this world and be an equal person. I realize a disabled person will sometimes get more attention. We are different, we work different, we process or approach things different. For some people, that is such a cool thing, for others it turns on their jealousy button. But here, the disability becomes a focus, where is the person? They get lost under the disability. Being admired for the disability or being resented. What happened to just accepting the person as a person? Can't they just get to know the human and then make the judgement?
A week or so ago, a mother posted on a list that she was requested to write a letter about her son's vision and hearing loss to the school. One person said, well ask if every other parent can write about their child and give that to you. I thought that was a great point. I later chimed in and said, "You have the power to write what ever you want. You don't have to write about the disability. You can write about how your child wants to be accepted and be apart of the school community just like anyone else."
Throughout the years getting to know classmates in college and co-workers in internships and jobs I have had, I found one thing to be consistent. The people who better accommodated me weren't the ones I explained to, but the ones who were open to meet me and get to know me as a human being. The ones I had issues with where the ones that were judgmental, closed minded and didn't try to get to know me.
I'm starting to understand that me explaining how to talk to me or work around me, I need to work with decent people. It is about attitude because with a person who is open with the right attitude, they will get it just by being around me. If something seems rude about me, don't take it as rude, but take it as perhaps something is going on. Do more investigation or learn, don't label. Think about a person who has a vision and hearing limitation. The two things we need to converse with another person. Think how they need to function in their environment. If you have average hearing and vision, there is no way you can even know how any person with a hearing and vision loss functions. In fact, each person that is deaf-blind varies. So what you learn with one person, is going to be completely different with another. So how can you assume you know?
The most challenging thing to try and intermingle or be apart of a social world is to try and get people to slightly change their behaviors so you can be apart of that social crowd or network. Some people think nothing of it to accommodate, while others think it to be either special treatment or a chore. They walk away and just do not want to deal with it. Honestly, it isn't that difficult. I grew up doing this with friends who had vision or hearing worse than mine.
All anyone wants to do is be accepted and apart of the community. Those with a hearing loss tend to have a slightly different culture than hearing people. Their way of communication is misunderstood and labeling leads to distancing themselves from the person, rather trying to understand the person. Be open, don't worry about doing anything wrong, connect with the person to learn about the individual. You might surprise yourself. You may learn something.
Segregation
Racial segregation has always been an intense hot topic. It brings up a lot of emotions and years of outcry related to mistreatment. As a result of segregation, there are many programs that tried to address that humans are individuals and diversity is a good thing. We have a rich society when we can include all races and cultural backgrounds in a community. In some areas, this has been successful, in other areas not so successful.
Tolerance is the ability for people to accept differences.
When I was getting my teaching credential, I took a class called Equity and Diversity. There were specific cultural and racial communities we would cover in the class. Me being Caucasian of a mixture of European decent, there was not a category covered with my ancestry. In fact, in some cases those with white European decent are sometimes resented. The instructor for this course was Hispanic. Each week we had an assignment on various questions related to how we have been treated through our lives and how people perceived us related to our ethnic identity. The questions were designed for people to share their experiences in being segregated or discriminated. As the teacher read my answers to the homework assignment, a month into the class, she came up to me and said, "you really have experienced discrimination." When I first came to class, she saw me as a white female. How could I ever understand segregation and discrimination because I was white? Perhaps I could be discriminated against for being female, but that isn't like the extreme segregation or demeaning acts that many of those who are of culture or of a different race face constantly. The teacher realized that the disabled also face segregation and discrimination. That we are challenged of our intelligence, and how we fit and function in society. When someone can't function like most people, like not hear as well, not see, not walk or have other physical challenges, the judgement can interfere with blending normally in society.
This teacher learned that there is another group that experiences discrimination. Another group that goes through the hardships, and the judgements that put barriers in the way of their success to move forward. The perception of the disabled is filled with assumptions, that people have no idea what it really means to have a disability. That we are protected by law, and the perception that there are several programs for the disabled, but yet, in real life, people keep their distance physically and socially. The disabled are still discriminated against, attitudes still exist and even resentment.
How do you explain segregation as far as trying to be treated normally and when you are not treated equal? Segregation is a separation of you and the rest of the world. You do not have access to the norm of society.
Some major movements in the educational system has been inclusion of students. If they have a disability, they must by law be included with the rest of the students. Segregating disabled students is not preferable anymore and the push to integrate a disabled child in regular public school is now mandatory. I was segregated in school as a child. I went to an elementary school for the blind. I found them easy to communicate and mingle, but once I was included in regular public school, I had huge challenges. It is a toss up, what was better? To always be around disabled kids or mixing with non-disabled kids? I grew up not liking "normal" kids. It was that constant battle of not fitting in. It just seemed no matter how I communicated, it was always wrong. I couldn't fit in. I felt segregated, no matter how hard I tried. It always seemed I was patronized, never taken seriously and never feeling that I was highly intelligent. I was the dummy kid in school. My grades reflected it too. 2.3 GPA when I graduated from high school.
I was the freak, I was teased, put down, laughed at if I tried something. In an audition for a play, I got smirks and laughter throughout my audition. When I wore my uniform for Tall Flags (like drill team) I would get barked at by guys. Told how ugly I looked. This was common throughout middle and high school. Kids would sing to me "retarded." So even though I was included in the regular public school system, I felt more segregated than being with my blind peers. Its a catch 22, I deserve normal development and being infiltrated with the mass of kids, but yet the "normal" kids were pretty cruel to me.
I did have one friend in high school. It was really nice to have her, but I always still felt insecure that maybe I was company and not a friend. But she did want to take classes with me and we ate lunch together. Maybe I was just too skeptical of those who were not disabled since I had been around more disabled kids than "normal" kids.
Segregation happens at any age. Even in the workplace. You would think that people have grown up as adults, but yet, they are judgemental because you don't fit the mold of, "normal."
Did I need early training in how to handle this? Early training in helping me know how to exchange and communicate more effectively. Being with a hearing and vision loss, I do miss communication cues, what is chic and what is considered a freak or geek. I was the freak in high school and although many people were nice to me, it was still distant. I wasn't the first for people to think to have me come to their house, go to a movie or just hang.
One person I thought was a friend, I realized later in life was just doing her Christian duty to be nice to me. I didn't see the signs when I was younger, but now as an adult I can look back and she just tolerated me. Of course, She was a beauty pageant contestant. I was the ugly dork. Not that is my self esteem coming out, but how people really did look at me. There are two ways to look at this, I thought I was cool, but then there is also how people treat you. You can't change other people, but we still need to not feel segregated either.
I often wondered why did people push away from me? My funny shaped body? Me being slightly geeky looking? Not looking like a complete feminine girl? The way I talk? The way I communicate? All these years I still do not know. But when I was a park ranger, it seemed that melted away. One or two people would be looking at me like I was weird, but most other people listened to me talk. I got such positive feedback and vibes from people all those horrible years of feeling rejected by society in general melted away.
Segregation is a dirty word. It's like I scream, "Why do you treat me like a freak! Leave me alone to cry"
When operant conditioning trainers who focus on positive reinforcement, I so much hate it when they use ignoring tactics on people. Karen Pryor popularized this concept in her book, "Don't Shoot the Dog." I think it is cruel and a power that people need to be extremely careful in using. I also think it is mean when people ignore so they can control you. I realize we all have annoying behaviors we do, but is this intolerance, so the person uses the power to ignore behavior to change them? How arrogant? Lack of understanding is where the person is coming from and down right rude. I know it touches a huge segregation and ostracization button with me. I do not support this practice at all. It takes a very skilled person to know how to handle the behaviors they do not like and cherish what the person is, instead of focus on what they are doing wrong so you can ignore them. I think this is a form of being a bully and passively aggressively controlling people. There are better kinder ways to change people's behaviors that are good for the person and not ostracizing them. I say let's be compassionate and work with people, instead of trying to be intolerant.
How do we teach tolerance? How do we teach people acceptance? How do we pulverize segregation? My past three years I have been so in pain and hurt. I lost my kindness and who I am. People around me seeing the negative in me and not seeing my beauty. I feel that I have been stomped on my ostracization, stomped on my misunderstandings and no openness to hear me. I am an open person, but no one is seeing me and understanding me. They a re too busy standing their ground. Another form of segregation. I need to be a park ranger again when I felt so accepted. I didn't feel ostracized or segregated. Life wasn't perfect in this environment. Some co-workers did patronize me, looked down to me, didn't think I had intelligent thought, I was ostracized and segregated from the group, but at a much lower incident. So I don't expect a perfect unsegregated world. I just need enough to keep going. I think that's what most people need. Lots of cold people in the world. You are different, they segregate you.
Tolerance is the ability for people to accept differences.
When I was getting my teaching credential, I took a class called Equity and Diversity. There were specific cultural and racial communities we would cover in the class. Me being Caucasian of a mixture of European decent, there was not a category covered with my ancestry. In fact, in some cases those with white European decent are sometimes resented. The instructor for this course was Hispanic. Each week we had an assignment on various questions related to how we have been treated through our lives and how people perceived us related to our ethnic identity. The questions were designed for people to share their experiences in being segregated or discriminated. As the teacher read my answers to the homework assignment, a month into the class, she came up to me and said, "you really have experienced discrimination." When I first came to class, she saw me as a white female. How could I ever understand segregation and discrimination because I was white? Perhaps I could be discriminated against for being female, but that isn't like the extreme segregation or demeaning acts that many of those who are of culture or of a different race face constantly. The teacher realized that the disabled also face segregation and discrimination. That we are challenged of our intelligence, and how we fit and function in society. When someone can't function like most people, like not hear as well, not see, not walk or have other physical challenges, the judgement can interfere with blending normally in society.
This teacher learned that there is another group that experiences discrimination. Another group that goes through the hardships, and the judgements that put barriers in the way of their success to move forward. The perception of the disabled is filled with assumptions, that people have no idea what it really means to have a disability. That we are protected by law, and the perception that there are several programs for the disabled, but yet, in real life, people keep their distance physically and socially. The disabled are still discriminated against, attitudes still exist and even resentment.
How do you explain segregation as far as trying to be treated normally and when you are not treated equal? Segregation is a separation of you and the rest of the world. You do not have access to the norm of society.
Some major movements in the educational system has been inclusion of students. If they have a disability, they must by law be included with the rest of the students. Segregating disabled students is not preferable anymore and the push to integrate a disabled child in regular public school is now mandatory. I was segregated in school as a child. I went to an elementary school for the blind. I found them easy to communicate and mingle, but once I was included in regular public school, I had huge challenges. It is a toss up, what was better? To always be around disabled kids or mixing with non-disabled kids? I grew up not liking "normal" kids. It was that constant battle of not fitting in. It just seemed no matter how I communicated, it was always wrong. I couldn't fit in. I felt segregated, no matter how hard I tried. It always seemed I was patronized, never taken seriously and never feeling that I was highly intelligent. I was the dummy kid in school. My grades reflected it too. 2.3 GPA when I graduated from high school.
I was the freak, I was teased, put down, laughed at if I tried something. In an audition for a play, I got smirks and laughter throughout my audition. When I wore my uniform for Tall Flags (like drill team) I would get barked at by guys. Told how ugly I looked. This was common throughout middle and high school. Kids would sing to me "retarded." So even though I was included in the regular public school system, I felt more segregated than being with my blind peers. Its a catch 22, I deserve normal development and being infiltrated with the mass of kids, but yet the "normal" kids were pretty cruel to me.
I did have one friend in high school. It was really nice to have her, but I always still felt insecure that maybe I was company and not a friend. But she did want to take classes with me and we ate lunch together. Maybe I was just too skeptical of those who were not disabled since I had been around more disabled kids than "normal" kids.
Segregation happens at any age. Even in the workplace. You would think that people have grown up as adults, but yet, they are judgemental because you don't fit the mold of, "normal."
Did I need early training in how to handle this? Early training in helping me know how to exchange and communicate more effectively. Being with a hearing and vision loss, I do miss communication cues, what is chic and what is considered a freak or geek. I was the freak in high school and although many people were nice to me, it was still distant. I wasn't the first for people to think to have me come to their house, go to a movie or just hang.
One person I thought was a friend, I realized later in life was just doing her Christian duty to be nice to me. I didn't see the signs when I was younger, but now as an adult I can look back and she just tolerated me. Of course, She was a beauty pageant contestant. I was the ugly dork. Not that is my self esteem coming out, but how people really did look at me. There are two ways to look at this, I thought I was cool, but then there is also how people treat you. You can't change other people, but we still need to not feel segregated either.
I often wondered why did people push away from me? My funny shaped body? Me being slightly geeky looking? Not looking like a complete feminine girl? The way I talk? The way I communicate? All these years I still do not know. But when I was a park ranger, it seemed that melted away. One or two people would be looking at me like I was weird, but most other people listened to me talk. I got such positive feedback and vibes from people all those horrible years of feeling rejected by society in general melted away.
Segregation is a dirty word. It's like I scream, "Why do you treat me like a freak! Leave me alone to cry"
When operant conditioning trainers who focus on positive reinforcement, I so much hate it when they use ignoring tactics on people. Karen Pryor popularized this concept in her book, "Don't Shoot the Dog." I think it is cruel and a power that people need to be extremely careful in using. I also think it is mean when people ignore so they can control you. I realize we all have annoying behaviors we do, but is this intolerance, so the person uses the power to ignore behavior to change them? How arrogant? Lack of understanding is where the person is coming from and down right rude. I know it touches a huge segregation and ostracization button with me. I do not support this practice at all. It takes a very skilled person to know how to handle the behaviors they do not like and cherish what the person is, instead of focus on what they are doing wrong so you can ignore them. I think this is a form of being a bully and passively aggressively controlling people. There are better kinder ways to change people's behaviors that are good for the person and not ostracizing them. I say let's be compassionate and work with people, instead of trying to be intolerant.
How do we teach tolerance? How do we teach people acceptance? How do we pulverize segregation? My past three years I have been so in pain and hurt. I lost my kindness and who I am. People around me seeing the negative in me and not seeing my beauty. I feel that I have been stomped on my ostracization, stomped on my misunderstandings and no openness to hear me. I am an open person, but no one is seeing me and understanding me. They a re too busy standing their ground. Another form of segregation. I need to be a park ranger again when I felt so accepted. I didn't feel ostracized or segregated. Life wasn't perfect in this environment. Some co-workers did patronize me, looked down to me, didn't think I had intelligent thought, I was ostracized and segregated from the group, but at a much lower incident. So I don't expect a perfect unsegregated world. I just need enough to keep going. I think that's what most people need. Lots of cold people in the world. You are different, they segregate you.
Ultimate Passion
A person can have a number of passions in their life, but sometimes you have to manage which ones you can fit into your life.
I had a blow today. It really hit me by surprise. I had been wanting to switch from a very toxic work situation. I just wanted to work with people who treat me as a living human, not someone they regard as beneath any possibility of having any value. Of course they would never admit this to management, they have to keep an image. The attitudes towards me have just gotten tiresome. I thought there would be some hope to change from a particular work group, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. To be in this toxic situation I have used more brain power than imagine to figure this all out. But you can't change attitudes or insecurities of other people.
Add in a false appearance that they are inclusive and helpful, just enough show for management, and you have a toxic work situation. The life and times of being in-between deaf-blind. Let's just keep the disabled quiet. We can bully them around, they don't matter, they are soft, they can't do anything to us. How can I be heard when they ignore my voice. Just bully me, keep me from anything that will allow me to grow. Just ignore her, the cries will go away. They don't care that my blood pressure has been up, my health has deteriorated, I have lost a lot of my memory from stress, I have no energy to enjoy life anymore. All stress from people who are toxic. Of course I could beat myself up, for letting such people have that much affect on me. But the amount of vision and hearing loss I have, enables them to keep information, interaction and support away.
But today after finding out the news I couldn't change to a team that might treat me like I exist and that I really am a team member, I just cried. I cried so much my head hurt. I had to take aspirin and try to calm myself down. I did get some work accomplished, trying to focus on the task to not hurt my body from crying. My logic wasn't getting through to my emotions. The emotional pain of all these years is taking a toll on me. No one cares, they care to push me away.
How can I survive in a workplace that no one will sit next to me at a Christmas work party? One year I just brushed it off. Another year, the same thing. Heads stretching to see if there were other seats. They look back, see the two empty seats on either side, you could see them do a slight nervous pace, then they decided to pull chairs from another area and sat at the end of the table. I can brush it off once, but when it happened again, I realized no one in my department is gracious enough or open enough to even get to know me.
Even when we have our small parties, the food is placed in our conference room that echos and has florescent lighting that is so difficult to see under, t he flicker of light and spottiness, I can't see facial expressions. I can't tell if people are looking at me, or if they are looking at someone else while talking. When I sit down, if a person sits next to me, their body is shifted away from me, talking to the person on the other side of them. No one talks to me. This is not an exaggeration, people really do not speak with me or even want to engage in conversation. I try to follow eyes to see anyone looking at me that I could try to strike up a conversation, but always always turn away from me. Strong signal of avoidance.
The irony of it all, is, they think I'm rude, but they have shaped this behavior in me. Who wants to be around people who will not sit next to you, engage in a conversation and turn from you? I just now get the food in the conference room and go back to my office. That awkwardness they emit.
I am a human being just like anyone else. Out of the 25 places I have worked in my life, this one makes me feel more handicapped than any place I have ever been. Past employments were not perfect and there were issues. But now is the worst segregation I have ever felt in my life. No one cares, I"m just suppose to accept it.
So trying to be changed on a team that I could feel like someone would talk with me was a huge hope. For two weeks, my stress level went down. I had hope. Maybe it was naive hope. But getting the news today that I would not be switched, crushed me. I can only try to rise above and say, it did happen for a good reason. Having cried all day, having a not-so-good exchange with my supervisor because I was more upset than I thought, I kept trying to find a good lesson in this.
Coming home from work, I started to wonder. I need to see the positive in all of this. I need this experience to really work for me. Life was at a turning point since I had a few other blows earlier in the week happen too. It was time to think of solutions, reassess my life and start remembering what has been good in my life.
I then started to think of the passions in my life. What makes me the happiest. Being with my dogs is one of them. But my teaching dog classes has slipped. Why? What happened to that passion. It has gone stale. I don't have the magic I once had to pull people in and make them feel good about how they are doing with their dogs. Wait a minute, having taught in a classroom and been a public speaker, I can handle this, but something was dull. Something happened.
I thought deeper, what has made me the most happy? It was the time I was a park ranger. The six years I was a park ranger, it was like I found myself. Nothing has exhilarated me more than being a park ranger. Once I got over my fear of speaking in front of people, got over my fright, insecurities and worked on perfecting my skill, together in 2006 when I was at Zion National Park. It took me six years to go through this transformation. To become the person I liked. It was like I really did find myself. Getting there was no easy and I had ups and downs with health issues, then at the end of my season at Zion, it started to come together. Like I have landed.
But just as it took me 6 years to get there, it has been 6 years since I have done a park program. Slowly and surely my skills were deteriorating. Being in the negative toxic environment I am in now, I was loosing a little bit of my happiness every day. They were chipping away at me trying to mold me into their toxic ways, but I have resisted, trying to some how hang onto myself. Keep that special part of me hidden so they can't erode it away. The more I resisted, the more they tried to shape me. The fight. Oh please don't take the happy Christy away. But I fool them, I'm just being as outward, but I still have the integrity buried in there to be me. They just don't know it. I am worn, I am tired, I am burned out, but deep in there Christy is alive, just waiting for the right time to bring her out.
It came to me, that I need to go to one of the local natural areas and start volunteering. It will save me. I need to start doing programs again to develop that sense of wonder again. See those eyes light up, see the wonder and the excitement. How I miss that so much. It is so addicting. Infectious to the point it becomes me and I can spread that positive energy to others. People forget I have a disability, they don't care because the passion and excitement is so strong, that pours out. They get involved with the nature around them and it doesn't matter if I'm different. Maybe a hard core person will be judgmental, but most will get in with the program and loose themselves in the fun. How I need to nourish myself with that again. Even if it means to cut back on my dog activities, I need to find that light again for others, and myself. When I can, I will be able to do great dog classes again. I need to let Christy know it is safe to come out again.
I had a blow today. It really hit me by surprise. I had been wanting to switch from a very toxic work situation. I just wanted to work with people who treat me as a living human, not someone they regard as beneath any possibility of having any value. Of course they would never admit this to management, they have to keep an image. The attitudes towards me have just gotten tiresome. I thought there would be some hope to change from a particular work group, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. To be in this toxic situation I have used more brain power than imagine to figure this all out. But you can't change attitudes or insecurities of other people.
Add in a false appearance that they are inclusive and helpful, just enough show for management, and you have a toxic work situation. The life and times of being in-between deaf-blind. Let's just keep the disabled quiet. We can bully them around, they don't matter, they are soft, they can't do anything to us. How can I be heard when they ignore my voice. Just bully me, keep me from anything that will allow me to grow. Just ignore her, the cries will go away. They don't care that my blood pressure has been up, my health has deteriorated, I have lost a lot of my memory from stress, I have no energy to enjoy life anymore. All stress from people who are toxic. Of course I could beat myself up, for letting such people have that much affect on me. But the amount of vision and hearing loss I have, enables them to keep information, interaction and support away.
But today after finding out the news I couldn't change to a team that might treat me like I exist and that I really am a team member, I just cried. I cried so much my head hurt. I had to take aspirin and try to calm myself down. I did get some work accomplished, trying to focus on the task to not hurt my body from crying. My logic wasn't getting through to my emotions. The emotional pain of all these years is taking a toll on me. No one cares, they care to push me away.
How can I survive in a workplace that no one will sit next to me at a Christmas work party? One year I just brushed it off. Another year, the same thing. Heads stretching to see if there were other seats. They look back, see the two empty seats on either side, you could see them do a slight nervous pace, then they decided to pull chairs from another area and sat at the end of the table. I can brush it off once, but when it happened again, I realized no one in my department is gracious enough or open enough to even get to know me.
Even when we have our small parties, the food is placed in our conference room that echos and has florescent lighting that is so difficult to see under, t he flicker of light and spottiness, I can't see facial expressions. I can't tell if people are looking at me, or if they are looking at someone else while talking. When I sit down, if a person sits next to me, their body is shifted away from me, talking to the person on the other side of them. No one talks to me. This is not an exaggeration, people really do not speak with me or even want to engage in conversation. I try to follow eyes to see anyone looking at me that I could try to strike up a conversation, but always always turn away from me. Strong signal of avoidance.
The irony of it all, is, they think I'm rude, but they have shaped this behavior in me. Who wants to be around people who will not sit next to you, engage in a conversation and turn from you? I just now get the food in the conference room and go back to my office. That awkwardness they emit.
I am a human being just like anyone else. Out of the 25 places I have worked in my life, this one makes me feel more handicapped than any place I have ever been. Past employments were not perfect and there were issues. But now is the worst segregation I have ever felt in my life. No one cares, I"m just suppose to accept it.
So trying to be changed on a team that I could feel like someone would talk with me was a huge hope. For two weeks, my stress level went down. I had hope. Maybe it was naive hope. But getting the news today that I would not be switched, crushed me. I can only try to rise above and say, it did happen for a good reason. Having cried all day, having a not-so-good exchange with my supervisor because I was more upset than I thought, I kept trying to find a good lesson in this.
Coming home from work, I started to wonder. I need to see the positive in all of this. I need this experience to really work for me. Life was at a turning point since I had a few other blows earlier in the week happen too. It was time to think of solutions, reassess my life and start remembering what has been good in my life.
I then started to think of the passions in my life. What makes me the happiest. Being with my dogs is one of them. But my teaching dog classes has slipped. Why? What happened to that passion. It has gone stale. I don't have the magic I once had to pull people in and make them feel good about how they are doing with their dogs. Wait a minute, having taught in a classroom and been a public speaker, I can handle this, but something was dull. Something happened.
I thought deeper, what has made me the most happy? It was the time I was a park ranger. The six years I was a park ranger, it was like I found myself. Nothing has exhilarated me more than being a park ranger. Once I got over my fear of speaking in front of people, got over my fright, insecurities and worked on perfecting my skill, together in 2006 when I was at Zion National Park. It took me six years to go through this transformation. To become the person I liked. It was like I really did find myself. Getting there was no easy and I had ups and downs with health issues, then at the end of my season at Zion, it started to come together. Like I have landed.
But just as it took me 6 years to get there, it has been 6 years since I have done a park program. Slowly and surely my skills were deteriorating. Being in the negative toxic environment I am in now, I was loosing a little bit of my happiness every day. They were chipping away at me trying to mold me into their toxic ways, but I have resisted, trying to some how hang onto myself. Keep that special part of me hidden so they can't erode it away. The more I resisted, the more they tried to shape me. The fight. Oh please don't take the happy Christy away. But I fool them, I'm just being as outward, but I still have the integrity buried in there to be me. They just don't know it. I am worn, I am tired, I am burned out, but deep in there Christy is alive, just waiting for the right time to bring her out.
It came to me, that I need to go to one of the local natural areas and start volunteering. It will save me. I need to start doing programs again to develop that sense of wonder again. See those eyes light up, see the wonder and the excitement. How I miss that so much. It is so addicting. Infectious to the point it becomes me and I can spread that positive energy to others. People forget I have a disability, they don't care because the passion and excitement is so strong, that pours out. They get involved with the nature around them and it doesn't matter if I'm different. Maybe a hard core person will be judgmental, but most will get in with the program and loose themselves in the fun. How I need to nourish myself with that again. Even if it means to cut back on my dog activities, I need to find that light again for others, and myself. When I can, I will be able to do great dog classes again. I need to let Christy know it is safe to come out again.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
What does Equality mean anyway?
Last night I was reading a blog of a friend I haven't seen for about 25 years. He had gotten a Master's degree and worked with partially sighted and blind youth. He then found a passion of sailing and was the first visually impaired person to sail around the world.
Mutual friends of ours I remember saying back when I was in college, "Oh most of our friends are hiding by getting jobs with the blind." They knew of very few people breaking out in the "real" world. But what does this really mean?
So back to my young adult friend who has sailed around the world, he gave his philosophy on disability on his web site and his last sentence read:
"I have come to believe whole heartedly that I would rather be a proud and skilled visually impaired person, rather than a person fighting to prove their equality to a “normal” or non disabled person. " ---Scott Duncan
I haven't been able to shake this statement since I have read it.
I then saw another quote today by an old Greek Philosopher:
"We can't control the impressions others form about us, and the effort to do so, only debases our character." -Epictetus
I really do believe that I have been working too hard to "prove" myself all my life. I have worked so hard in the "normal" or "non-disabled" world that I have severely crashed. My current job has pushed me due to their attitudes and narrow minded thinking towards me. I pushed harder to prove myself, but didn't realize I was defeating myself more and more. Spinning my wheels. Running myself into the ground. My health took a toll. I was so focused on succeeding, I wasn't paying attention to waht I was doing to myself. Ah yes, life in the "normal" world.
Being trained in education I always thought that education would prevail. That it was just how I presented myself. How well I could sell my ideas. WIth some people I did win over, which solidified my belief, if I just work harder and be patient. But, what I have found, I ran myself into the ground trying to "win" over. However, I almost got there so I kept working harder and harder and harder and then my body and myself couldn't take it anymore. I fell hard. For the past several months I have been trying to figure out what happened.
Between Scott's quote and Epictetus, what on earth was I doing? What am I doing? Even though it may appear that Scott is "hiding" but he also is saying, why work so hard in a stupid world when you can be accepted and succeed in another? There was a time I played on my disability, I then felt it was wrong, so I pushed myself to succeed as a human. To realize it might serve me well to going back being "disabled." The thing is I "am" disabled. I have to realize that I can't jsut function like anyone else. I need accommodations every where I go. I must adapt myself. Either it being my vision or my hearing. So why am I trying to hard to be "normal" when I'm not in thenorm of society? I am different and no shame in that just because others are weirded out about it. OR at first they are accepting, and then get weirded out when they get to know you and how "different" you function.
Thinking about getting a master's degree in Conflict Resolution, how can we resolve the inequality of the disabled and the normal population? We CAN'T!! For someone to feel superior over someone else is a very STRONG ingrained biological thing. That's what we are fighting against.
As of late, connecting up with my friends I grew up with is rather powerful and ovewhelming. Some are living off of SSI. The percentage of people who are is mind boggling. That the struggle for equality was jsut too hard for them. I understand this because here my health is in jeopardy because of it. I'm stuck in this In-Between Deafl-Blind being highly functionable, but having obstacles to over come in a highly competitive world.
After reading the two quotes above in the past 12 hours, so many ways I need to readjust my thinking and for the future. I often wonder if conflict resolution degree is really what I want now. OR would that give me more insight in what I need. I don't know, I haven't been accepted to the program yet.
But the word equality still rings in my head. Such a powerful world, not only an issue with the disabled community, but ethnic, racial and a variety of other groups as well.
What does equality mean to me? Just being accepted as a human being that cognitively can be treated as a peer. Something so simple, but lacking in my life. As Epictetus says above, I think the harder I try to "fit in" society, the more I am probably defeating myelf and debasing my character. Do I find a place where at least a hand people accept me as a peer? Or do I imerge myself in the deaf-blind, blind or deaf world? Maybe the disabled world? There are no easy answers. As time goes on, I don't think bigotry will every go away. People will have their engrained genetic coding to feel superior and try to prove themselves over others and to see people not like them as outside objects from their acceptance circle. In most situations, I have to accept that I can't change that. There is never an end to a cure, other than surround myself around people who accept me as a peer.
My fight to conquer life is down right now. I've fought all my life to over come, but I feel beatened to submission. I will lay low now, but when I can get out of my certain situation, I will come back. I have that fire to break barriers down, but it needs rest now and does not need to waste energy on something it can't control. Bide my time. I'm going through quite a leanring experience now. Now is time to learn, not fight.
Mutual friends of ours I remember saying back when I was in college, "Oh most of our friends are hiding by getting jobs with the blind." They knew of very few people breaking out in the "real" world. But what does this really mean?
So back to my young adult friend who has sailed around the world, he gave his philosophy on disability on his web site and his last sentence read:
"I have come to believe whole heartedly that I would rather be a proud and skilled visually impaired person, rather than a person fighting to prove their equality to a “normal” or non disabled person. " ---Scott Duncan
I haven't been able to shake this statement since I have read it.
I then saw another quote today by an old Greek Philosopher:
"We can't control the impressions others form about us, and the effort to do so, only debases our character." -Epictetus
I really do believe that I have been working too hard to "prove" myself all my life. I have worked so hard in the "normal" or "non-disabled" world that I have severely crashed. My current job has pushed me due to their attitudes and narrow minded thinking towards me. I pushed harder to prove myself, but didn't realize I was defeating myself more and more. Spinning my wheels. Running myself into the ground. My health took a toll. I was so focused on succeeding, I wasn't paying attention to waht I was doing to myself. Ah yes, life in the "normal" world.
Being trained in education I always thought that education would prevail. That it was just how I presented myself. How well I could sell my ideas. WIth some people I did win over, which solidified my belief, if I just work harder and be patient. But, what I have found, I ran myself into the ground trying to "win" over. However, I almost got there so I kept working harder and harder and harder and then my body and myself couldn't take it anymore. I fell hard. For the past several months I have been trying to figure out what happened.
Between Scott's quote and Epictetus, what on earth was I doing? What am I doing? Even though it may appear that Scott is "hiding" but he also is saying, why work so hard in a stupid world when you can be accepted and succeed in another? There was a time I played on my disability, I then felt it was wrong, so I pushed myself to succeed as a human. To realize it might serve me well to going back being "disabled." The thing is I "am" disabled. I have to realize that I can't jsut function like anyone else. I need accommodations every where I go. I must adapt myself. Either it being my vision or my hearing. So why am I trying to hard to be "normal" when I'm not in thenorm of society? I am different and no shame in that just because others are weirded out about it. OR at first they are accepting, and then get weirded out when they get to know you and how "different" you function.
Thinking about getting a master's degree in Conflict Resolution, how can we resolve the inequality of the disabled and the normal population? We CAN'T!! For someone to feel superior over someone else is a very STRONG ingrained biological thing. That's what we are fighting against.
As of late, connecting up with my friends I grew up with is rather powerful and ovewhelming. Some are living off of SSI. The percentage of people who are is mind boggling. That the struggle for equality was jsut too hard for them. I understand this because here my health is in jeopardy because of it. I'm stuck in this In-Between Deafl-Blind being highly functionable, but having obstacles to over come in a highly competitive world.
After reading the two quotes above in the past 12 hours, so many ways I need to readjust my thinking and for the future. I often wonder if conflict resolution degree is really what I want now. OR would that give me more insight in what I need. I don't know, I haven't been accepted to the program yet.
But the word equality still rings in my head. Such a powerful world, not only an issue with the disabled community, but ethnic, racial and a variety of other groups as well.
What does equality mean to me? Just being accepted as a human being that cognitively can be treated as a peer. Something so simple, but lacking in my life. As Epictetus says above, I think the harder I try to "fit in" society, the more I am probably defeating myelf and debasing my character. Do I find a place where at least a hand people accept me as a peer? Or do I imerge myself in the deaf-blind, blind or deaf world? Maybe the disabled world? There are no easy answers. As time goes on, I don't think bigotry will every go away. People will have their engrained genetic coding to feel superior and try to prove themselves over others and to see people not like them as outside objects from their acceptance circle. In most situations, I have to accept that I can't change that. There is never an end to a cure, other than surround myself around people who accept me as a peer.
My fight to conquer life is down right now. I've fought all my life to over come, but I feel beatened to submission. I will lay low now, but when I can get out of my certain situation, I will come back. I have that fire to break barriers down, but it needs rest now and does not need to waste energy on something it can't control. Bide my time. I'm going through quite a leanring experience now. Now is time to learn, not fight.
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Self discovery how to ease conflict
Nearly everyone is eccentric to some extent or another. No one has ever truly experienced what it is like to see or experience the world from within another human being. The only things we go by is how we see the world. Which can be a real limiting perspective when trying to understand someone else. Life as a whole, some people are better at understanding experiences of another than others. But everyone from their eccentric view, thinks they "get it." So what is "getting it?" This is an obscure concept because the definition varies. Is it someone who can become the top executive and show monetary success in the billions? That they "got it" to manipulate a system to make billions? Or is it the humble teacher that scrapes by financially, but mentors many children with open understanding? Or is it someone that just knows how to socially blend, easing conflict in their daily lives, and understanding where a variety of people come from in their thinking? Is it someone who gets it that has travelled the world, seen many places, seen many cultures? Or someone who has lived the hard life on the streets? All varied experiences, but chances are, would they understand the other? I have even witnessed people 30 years in a profession with people, and still be absolutely clueless. So what is "getting it?" I think the real answer is, there is no one that "gets it" completely. It is complicated. There are some people who you can talk to and you know they understand, but get them on another topic, and they will be rather limited. Then you have people who are very socially in touch. That can appear they "get it." They have learned this skill for social survival.
We are shaped by our world, but we are also shaped how we are able to interact with our world. The more you are like the people around you, the better you fit in. It goes hand in hand, if you fit in, a person will develop better social skills. When socially accepted and having positive interactions, the more self assured a person tends to be in their life. A few negative experiences is not going to phase them because they have the assurance of social acceptance. If you know how to play the social game correctly, you can be a little different where people may see this as cool. Sometimes different attracts people, but for some people, being different in the wrong way will get lead to ostracization..A social outcast. They could be seen as as weird instead of cool. To define what is a cool difference and what is a weird yucky difference is subjective. It varies from geographical region, country, city, niche and social group. Some may think a person with autism might be very strange, while another group may just understand.
A person who grows up in their community that is "different" can feel rather out casted and could develop low social skills. They didn't learn the trials and errors in how to interact socially. On the other hand, this same person could have been in a different place, state, country or community and be very well socially accepted. developing good social skills. Learning what works to be included in their social network. When someone is not socially accepted in their community, their work, their local club, their church etc. it can be rather painful. This is different from being alone or someone wanting to be alone. This is about someone who is trying to belong in their regular social activities. This is also not someone seeking popularity, but someone just seeking normal interaction and acceptance.
Most humans need social interaction. The type of social interaction will vary depending on their personality. Sometimes they are successful in meeting their niche, sometimes not. Sometimes they need to learn how to cope and adjust themselves to meet the demands of the social norm of their immediate area. Social isolation is very painful. Doesn't matter if this is trying to belong in a community, or trying to develop a work community at your workplace. Studies have shown people need social interaction in their personal lives and at work. Bad interactions create conflict and stress. Again, I must emphasize that being alone or wanting to be alone is different from social isolation.
Ostracization isn't a big deal if a person has a support system. Everyone needs and thrives on a support system. That enables them to laugh off critical or demeaning people. But when you do not have a support system, and they experience ostracism, judgement and demeaning attitudes, it does take a toll on the person. I find that most people who say, "don't let that bother you" to a person who is being ostracized, their judgement comes from them having a support system, while the person being ostracized may not have the same support system. How does a person with little support and being ostracized cope? Rise above?
When a person experiences continual ostracism their attitude, mood and their aura can change. This can emit a negative energy to the people that are ostracizing them. Some people see hesitancy like chickens see blood, They peck at it in a frenzy. Negative thoughts emit more negative energy than people realize. People still respond or react to their sixth sense without knowing it. We are programmed to react to something different for survival. But it is our higher brains that is able to sort out what is really happening. People who can sort this out are supportive and "get it" about the other person. But people who do not get why this person may be hesitant, and react in a negative way, both sides have a conflict issue going on.
When two people need to work together, they are in a situation where they must interact. Being too different for someone can be rather overwhelming. They start blaming the other person for having a bad personality or pick at some critical thing to justify the other is wrong rather than they can't accept the other person's differences. This can really create a tense working situation for both persons. Each person's negative energy radiates out causing more conflicts.
When people stay in their eccentric world, and blame others around them for not being what they perceive as normal, they are out of touch with their environment. They do not take change well and cannot adjust easily to change or people who are different from them. On the flip side, what is the different person emitting to others? Perhaps hesitancy that is being read as lack of confidence? The lack of confidence maybe furthest from their mind as they try to sort out their environment, but it could be the signal the other person is picking up.
With being focused on ourselves, the world of pop psychology and inspirational quotes state ignore people and be yourself. There will be statements like, "be your own person," "don't pay attention to others who are negative," "who cares what others think about you." When you block out the feedback from your world, you are not taking in social information. Granted a few small number of people might be clueless and respond with judgements that are incorrect. They may see something that really isn't the real you and pass judgement. However, Ignoring people also doesn't enable you to better connect with people either. It teaches you to ignore and become more eccentric in your own little world. Creating more social isolation, and more "ignoring" behaviors by you. Your social circle will be cold or distance. Having repetitive negative experience with the people around you can have an impact on you.
People who have the negative feelings towards you may not realize you know they do. They may think their fasade of being nice and polite is working. So when you respond to them in a negative way, they then have the ability to turn things around and start criticizing you more in how rude you are, or you don't present yourself well, or something. They always seem to know how to turn the focus off their wrong doing to put you down even more. Self preservation on their part. They can criticize you, and then get away with it by blaming you. This is why self awareness of yourself and being in-tuned with the people around you is crucial. This doesn't mean you have to believe what people say or take to heart what they say, just be aware of what is happening to make appropriate well thought out changes for yourself if needed.
What do you need to change within yourself to be more accepting? Can you change? Have you done everything possible where no matter what you do, the chickens are going to be able to hunt that blood down and find it? When you have a sensory loss, changing is rather difficult. A person with a dual sensory loss has lost some of their ability to communicate in the fashion that most people communicate. This can be just enough difference that it scares people. It could be unconscious too. A person who has communication challenges may look weird or act weird. Like a strange voice, wandering eyes, or tend to act overly happy. Acting over happy is a double edge sword. It is like people expect it, but then, look at the person as a child. Then are patronized. So how does one change themselves to give an image of acceptance in their communicate? You see a lot of sayings about being yourself. Again, the double standard. Try to stay true to yourself, but change just enough to be socially accepted. Some change is good and should happen, some change shouldn't have to happen. How does one decrease the conflict? This is all subjective because we should be able to stay ourselves, but if we have a social quirk, like not knowing how to act appropriately in a certain setting, that needs to change if we want to be respected in our community. If a person doesn't care to be respected, then that is their choice to continue their unaccepted behavior.
But trying to find a balance where there is conflict. It isn't about whose fault or who should change, it is about taking your exterior self, and becoming more presentable, without changing your inside of who you are as a person. If you are in a work setting, put on your acting for work environment.
Here is another conflict and twist though, many pop self-help books say we need to be proud of ourselves, don't care what others say, be yourself and empower within. Keep a positive attitude and all that stuff. I agree, but I do think we need to have a little awareness of what is happening around us too. This is an innate survival characteristic that we should not ignore. We will always have to constantly change ourselves depending on our environment. If we do not keep i- tuned to this, our skills will not be polished and we will have many awkward and isolating moments. This isn't about conforming to the establishment, it is playing a game of survival. You can stay true to you, it is the exterior you present for survival.
I believe that pop psychology has been one of the many reasons our culture has become more entitled, more about me, and more about my life, rather than focusing on community. We do need to develop our confidence, but we need to also take in the whole environment as well. No man is an island. I find today people less accepting, less gracious and more judgemental than ever before. It is a wonder that anyone gets along with anyone. How can we exist in a community, especially when not every average person is the TV or Motion picture image.
I completely understand we must focus on ourselves and not take to heart what people think, or not let it crush our egos, but to completely block out the world around us without listening, is doing everyone a disservice.There needs to be balance. Listening, I don't mean hearing words, but being aware of the message and understanding what is really happening is what I think is lacking today.
Sometimes we humans take offense of words, that cloud our vision of what message that is being conveyed. If we are offended, most say, oh ignore it. Who cares what they think, you are better than them and who do they think they are? So we ignore, but probably what we are ignoring is a misinterpretation of what we thought was being said. Due to having a vision and hearing loss, I see this often. Misunderstandings happen all the time due to the nature of my disability. I cannot see or hear the world like sighted and hearing people do. I can't understand how they function. Just as they can't understand why I do the "weird" things I do to function in my world.
It seems today people misunderstand and take more offense than really hearing the message. They hear the words and put their interpretation to it, their eccentric values, their eccentric ideas to the words instead of listening to the person and what they are trying to communicate. When we ignore a message, we are not being in-tuned to our environment, we are being rather eccentric in our own little world. Connections being lost. How can anyone learn proper communication skills if everyone is shutting everyone out if they don't like what they say? Shutting down everything. Effective communication can be a challenge and very few people have mastered it very well.
If you were born with a disability, most grow up going into a system of adoration if you are highly functional. You end up in "special" programs. You are told you are "special" because of your disability. People think they have to do extra things or come up to you to say how awesome you are to survive with a disability. You get attention because of the disability. You are different. You are unique, you are a focus. With this focus two things can happen, you are either adored in a patronizing way, or people are jealous of you for getting the focus and attention. Either way, you are not in the norm. How can you develop normal social skills if the environment around you is treating you different? They accept your less social skills, in fact, your less social skills could even be reinforced. When you become an adult, the tools you learned to survive no longer work in the mainstream society or the real world. You feel out casted, people look at you as a freak. What happened? This overly happy upbeat personality worked before, but now it went the other way. Now I"m looked at as a goofy weirdo.
One of my favorite old Sit Com is "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" with Will Smith. The energy he had, the timing and the humor. I could watch re-runs over and over. I then saw his movie "Hitch." In the movie, he is an older man. Will has grown up. In the movie he was the collected distinguished man, I thought he did well. But when he started doing some of his yelling scenes or acting that seemed like the "Old Will" it just seemed out of place. I almost wanted to tell Will, "You have grown up now, you better start using a technique that suits you now since you are not a kid anymore." But it is understandable, he was using what always worked and got billions of dollars before. But something changed, he is no longer a skinny kid or young man, but an established man of society. His over expressions that got him world wide acclaim just doesn't fit anymore. It seems awkward and weird. I think this happens to many people as they mature in society. We have to constantly change to the surroundings and who we are now. This doesn't mean to get rid of your young inner self, it is about knowing the right place, time and setting. It is about the role we must play at a particular time. Most actors do not loose themselves in a person or character once they are no longer playing that character. They still need to be themselves, but they can also act when needed.
I have also needed to learn this. I have been highly reinforced for being giddy, over expressive and happy. But now that I am getting older, nearly reaching 50, it is coming across rather repulsive. It is time to change. However, I can't go the other way and be quiet, docile or stoic. That is not me. I need to have some expression and personality. Going the other direction will also be socially unaccepted as well. You can't go from one extreme to another. You need to find the balance. You can still be you, just adjust your presentation style. It is just behavior of what you show to other people, not your core. If you want an environment of being giddy, or silly, volunteer for something to do with children. Have an outlet for your creativity.
Think of it this way, you go to a formal ballroom affair, you are going to dress formal and be formal, you go to a sports event, you are going to have a completely different demeanor and your outward expressions are acceptable if they are outrageous. When you are at work, there is a certain way you must present yourself. IN most situations, you cannot talk to your co-workers like you can your friends. You are also different with your parents, than a 4 year old child. All different sides of you, different presentations, but you are still being you.
Being aware of our environment, without getting your feelings crushed is listening. You can't listen if something offends or upsets you. To better fit in your world, you must listen to it first, then you can decide if the information is warranted, or not.
When you hear or listen to feedback, all they are commenting on or reacting to are your outside actions. I'm talking from live inter-personal communication, not text, e-mail or chat exchanges.
We should treat any communication as information, instead of thinking of it as something that goes deep to our egos. We should be open to the fact we might not be presenting well. We should be open to the fact that we might not be communicating well. The other side should also remember that it is just an exterior communication we are showing. Some people just get upset by another's attitude, but do not realize this is exterior, do we really know what that person is thinking? Granted, some actions and behaviors should not be tolerated, this is where good listening and awareness of your environment comes into play.
So how do we take people and their actions towards us? What do we do if we feel negative vibes from them? Do we blow them off and stick our noses in the air, or try to ease the tension? Could that make it worse? Sometimes even our good intentions can come across wrong. Where is the balance here? Sometimes it just takes many tries to find that connection. Sometimes nothing you can do will work. It is self defeating to let this get to you. Easy to say, very hard to take emotionally.
I had one person come up to me and just go off on me. I don't think she realized how she was coming across to me. Because it was in the middle of a work department, I told her we should discuss this some where else. She kept going off and accusing me of things that were not true. I felt her doing this out in the open where others could hear, really put me on the spot and made me feel really uncomfortable. She did not listen to what I said, but more took offense. All I said was we need to discuss this some place else. What happened was, she completely took what I said in an e-mail the wrong way. I was trying to give her information from the supervisor, in what he wanted to do with this project. However, she in turn, interpreted it as me trying to act as a supervisor. What? I was just conveying what the supervisor said, using his name saying this is what he wants. But in her hurried manner and only going off with her impression of the whole situation and not allowing me to say my side, the communication turned unpleasant.
About 4 hours later, After my shift was over and time to go home, I was getting in my car to go home. It was Friday and I was really tired. This co worker comes up to try and reconcile. Loud cargo trucks where driving around us and I couldn't hear. She never said sorry for going off on me, but instead she said she didn't have any "hard feelings against me." That she wasn't "mad at me." I backed off and said, "it is time to home." I was exhausted, didn't want to get into this conversation and I couldn't hear. I felt it was very presumptuous of her that this one way conversation of her reconciling put me in a difficult position. Both situations she was not open to listen to me or see where I was coming from on this issue. It was about her thinking she was reconciling and she being the better person to approach me. She thought I was being resistant and uncooperative. I never got a chance to say my side. Sadly, at the time, I was suffering from some dangerous medical situations that left me extremely fatigue. Having the energy to deal with this was very difficult for me and the best thing I could do at the time was retreat.
What happened is she was looking at the whole situation from her perspective and that her interpretations ruled her actions. She never once listened to what I had to say or even cared to pay attention to what was going on in the environment. She needed to take care of this matter and it was going to be on her terms. If I didn't react the way she wanted, then I was in the wrong. I felt sand blasted by both of her approaches that day. Being tired, I just didn't have the energy to play the super communicator. I wanted to go HOME!
I'm not saying my actions were perfect, but this is an example of how listening wasn't happening on either side. I felt sand blasted and attacked, which doesn't help my listening skills. I shouldn't take such actions so personally. She had some beef with me and was going to make sure I heard everything that was on her mind. She had no listening skills to see where I was coming from and took such offense of something she misunderstood.
Regardless of what happens on either end or what side you are on, listening skills are still valuable even if someone is going off on you. You learn a lot about the other person when you do. Learning how to deal with adversity is a very good skill. The first step is just to listen, listen to the message, don't take it as an attack. When we do take things as an attack, this emits something in us that is non-social. Non-approachable. Conflict rises. Listening, without taking it in as a personal attack, you can see that this person has some problems and issues. In a low voice, I could have said, hey, let's come into this conference room so we can have privacy to talk. Even though we could say she shouldn't have gone off on me, the thing is, sometimes we do need to be the one with the better skills to communicate. The goal, to decrease conflict. If at least one person doesn't know how to decrease the conflict, both sides will fail to communicate.
During communications, we do need to stop, take a deep breath and just listen. We really do need to be aware of our environment, in how people respond to us, but don't take it as Gospel, but as information. Take it as information to tweak our external actions, not to change our whole self. Its not to put us into submission, it is just information. Being open to this might make us more approachable, more socially savvy and more enjoyable. Unfortunately, this will take time to learn how to listen. When we are tired, not feeling well, stressed etc. it is very hard to do listen appropriately. We also need to take the time to shape ourselves to listen better. This takes practice and is a habitual change. So when you are not listening, this isn't a criticism fest time, it is assessing where you are, and moving forward. We are not perfect creatures and people who have better listening skills most likely just have more time practicing. It is about behavioral changes.
Just remember, we can still choose to be ourselves, just how we interact or react needs to undergo some little changes. s different. Some groups like loud, some do not. Some groups like stoic, while some groups want a little more life or personality out of a person. We can adjust as needed, but that doesn't really change us. How we interact with people is all about presentation, not who we are inside. This is not about pleasing others or following others, it is about connecting with different people. Those who seem to have many friends and many activities are those who can adjust to the situation and not conform to one way. This takes practice to adjust your outer social savvy skills. It is a skill, not who we are as a human being. The first step is to just start to listen, become more aware of your environment, become less reactive and think before you talk. Once this first step is practiced, then you can improve on listening skills and having fun in changing how you respond. Try something new. Sometimes you will never reach people, that's ok, either you can keep trying, take a break or more on if you can. But keep those listening skills open, you may really learn something unexpected.
We are shaped by our world, but we are also shaped how we are able to interact with our world. The more you are like the people around you, the better you fit in. It goes hand in hand, if you fit in, a person will develop better social skills. When socially accepted and having positive interactions, the more self assured a person tends to be in their life. A few negative experiences is not going to phase them because they have the assurance of social acceptance. If you know how to play the social game correctly, you can be a little different where people may see this as cool. Sometimes different attracts people, but for some people, being different in the wrong way will get lead to ostracization..A social outcast. They could be seen as as weird instead of cool. To define what is a cool difference and what is a weird yucky difference is subjective. It varies from geographical region, country, city, niche and social group. Some may think a person with autism might be very strange, while another group may just understand.
A person who grows up in their community that is "different" can feel rather out casted and could develop low social skills. They didn't learn the trials and errors in how to interact socially. On the other hand, this same person could have been in a different place, state, country or community and be very well socially accepted. developing good social skills. Learning what works to be included in their social network. When someone is not socially accepted in their community, their work, their local club, their church etc. it can be rather painful. This is different from being alone or someone wanting to be alone. This is about someone who is trying to belong in their regular social activities. This is also not someone seeking popularity, but someone just seeking normal interaction and acceptance.
Most humans need social interaction. The type of social interaction will vary depending on their personality. Sometimes they are successful in meeting their niche, sometimes not. Sometimes they need to learn how to cope and adjust themselves to meet the demands of the social norm of their immediate area. Social isolation is very painful. Doesn't matter if this is trying to belong in a community, or trying to develop a work community at your workplace. Studies have shown people need social interaction in their personal lives and at work. Bad interactions create conflict and stress. Again, I must emphasize that being alone or wanting to be alone is different from social isolation.
Ostracization isn't a big deal if a person has a support system. Everyone needs and thrives on a support system. That enables them to laugh off critical or demeaning people. But when you do not have a support system, and they experience ostracism, judgement and demeaning attitudes, it does take a toll on the person. I find that most people who say, "don't let that bother you" to a person who is being ostracized, their judgement comes from them having a support system, while the person being ostracized may not have the same support system. How does a person with little support and being ostracized cope? Rise above?
When a person experiences continual ostracism their attitude, mood and their aura can change. This can emit a negative energy to the people that are ostracizing them. Some people see hesitancy like chickens see blood, They peck at it in a frenzy. Negative thoughts emit more negative energy than people realize. People still respond or react to their sixth sense without knowing it. We are programmed to react to something different for survival. But it is our higher brains that is able to sort out what is really happening. People who can sort this out are supportive and "get it" about the other person. But people who do not get why this person may be hesitant, and react in a negative way, both sides have a conflict issue going on.
When two people need to work together, they are in a situation where they must interact. Being too different for someone can be rather overwhelming. They start blaming the other person for having a bad personality or pick at some critical thing to justify the other is wrong rather than they can't accept the other person's differences. This can really create a tense working situation for both persons. Each person's negative energy radiates out causing more conflicts.
When people stay in their eccentric world, and blame others around them for not being what they perceive as normal, they are out of touch with their environment. They do not take change well and cannot adjust easily to change or people who are different from them. On the flip side, what is the different person emitting to others? Perhaps hesitancy that is being read as lack of confidence? The lack of confidence maybe furthest from their mind as they try to sort out their environment, but it could be the signal the other person is picking up.
With being focused on ourselves, the world of pop psychology and inspirational quotes state ignore people and be yourself. There will be statements like, "be your own person," "don't pay attention to others who are negative," "who cares what others think about you." When you block out the feedback from your world, you are not taking in social information. Granted a few small number of people might be clueless and respond with judgements that are incorrect. They may see something that really isn't the real you and pass judgement. However, Ignoring people also doesn't enable you to better connect with people either. It teaches you to ignore and become more eccentric in your own little world. Creating more social isolation, and more "ignoring" behaviors by you. Your social circle will be cold or distance. Having repetitive negative experience with the people around you can have an impact on you.
People who have the negative feelings towards you may not realize you know they do. They may think their fasade of being nice and polite is working. So when you respond to them in a negative way, they then have the ability to turn things around and start criticizing you more in how rude you are, or you don't present yourself well, or something. They always seem to know how to turn the focus off their wrong doing to put you down even more. Self preservation on their part. They can criticize you, and then get away with it by blaming you. This is why self awareness of yourself and being in-tuned with the people around you is crucial. This doesn't mean you have to believe what people say or take to heart what they say, just be aware of what is happening to make appropriate well thought out changes for yourself if needed.
What do you need to change within yourself to be more accepting? Can you change? Have you done everything possible where no matter what you do, the chickens are going to be able to hunt that blood down and find it? When you have a sensory loss, changing is rather difficult. A person with a dual sensory loss has lost some of their ability to communicate in the fashion that most people communicate. This can be just enough difference that it scares people. It could be unconscious too. A person who has communication challenges may look weird or act weird. Like a strange voice, wandering eyes, or tend to act overly happy. Acting over happy is a double edge sword. It is like people expect it, but then, look at the person as a child. Then are patronized. So how does one change themselves to give an image of acceptance in their communicate? You see a lot of sayings about being yourself. Again, the double standard. Try to stay true to yourself, but change just enough to be socially accepted. Some change is good and should happen, some change shouldn't have to happen. How does one decrease the conflict? This is all subjective because we should be able to stay ourselves, but if we have a social quirk, like not knowing how to act appropriately in a certain setting, that needs to change if we want to be respected in our community. If a person doesn't care to be respected, then that is their choice to continue their unaccepted behavior.
But trying to find a balance where there is conflict. It isn't about whose fault or who should change, it is about taking your exterior self, and becoming more presentable, without changing your inside of who you are as a person. If you are in a work setting, put on your acting for work environment.
Here is another conflict and twist though, many pop self-help books say we need to be proud of ourselves, don't care what others say, be yourself and empower within. Keep a positive attitude and all that stuff. I agree, but I do think we need to have a little awareness of what is happening around us too. This is an innate survival characteristic that we should not ignore. We will always have to constantly change ourselves depending on our environment. If we do not keep i- tuned to this, our skills will not be polished and we will have many awkward and isolating moments. This isn't about conforming to the establishment, it is playing a game of survival. You can stay true to you, it is the exterior you present for survival.
I believe that pop psychology has been one of the many reasons our culture has become more entitled, more about me, and more about my life, rather than focusing on community. We do need to develop our confidence, but we need to also take in the whole environment as well. No man is an island. I find today people less accepting, less gracious and more judgemental than ever before. It is a wonder that anyone gets along with anyone. How can we exist in a community, especially when not every average person is the TV or Motion picture image.
I completely understand we must focus on ourselves and not take to heart what people think, or not let it crush our egos, but to completely block out the world around us without listening, is doing everyone a disservice.There needs to be balance. Listening, I don't mean hearing words, but being aware of the message and understanding what is really happening is what I think is lacking today.
Sometimes we humans take offense of words, that cloud our vision of what message that is being conveyed. If we are offended, most say, oh ignore it. Who cares what they think, you are better than them and who do they think they are? So we ignore, but probably what we are ignoring is a misinterpretation of what we thought was being said. Due to having a vision and hearing loss, I see this often. Misunderstandings happen all the time due to the nature of my disability. I cannot see or hear the world like sighted and hearing people do. I can't understand how they function. Just as they can't understand why I do the "weird" things I do to function in my world.
It seems today people misunderstand and take more offense than really hearing the message. They hear the words and put their interpretation to it, their eccentric values, their eccentric ideas to the words instead of listening to the person and what they are trying to communicate. When we ignore a message, we are not being in-tuned to our environment, we are being rather eccentric in our own little world. Connections being lost. How can anyone learn proper communication skills if everyone is shutting everyone out if they don't like what they say? Shutting down everything. Effective communication can be a challenge and very few people have mastered it very well.
If you were born with a disability, most grow up going into a system of adoration if you are highly functional. You end up in "special" programs. You are told you are "special" because of your disability. People think they have to do extra things or come up to you to say how awesome you are to survive with a disability. You get attention because of the disability. You are different. You are unique, you are a focus. With this focus two things can happen, you are either adored in a patronizing way, or people are jealous of you for getting the focus and attention. Either way, you are not in the norm. How can you develop normal social skills if the environment around you is treating you different? They accept your less social skills, in fact, your less social skills could even be reinforced. When you become an adult, the tools you learned to survive no longer work in the mainstream society or the real world. You feel out casted, people look at you as a freak. What happened? This overly happy upbeat personality worked before, but now it went the other way. Now I"m looked at as a goofy weirdo.
One of my favorite old Sit Com is "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" with Will Smith. The energy he had, the timing and the humor. I could watch re-runs over and over. I then saw his movie "Hitch." In the movie, he is an older man. Will has grown up. In the movie he was the collected distinguished man, I thought he did well. But when he started doing some of his yelling scenes or acting that seemed like the "Old Will" it just seemed out of place. I almost wanted to tell Will, "You have grown up now, you better start using a technique that suits you now since you are not a kid anymore." But it is understandable, he was using what always worked and got billions of dollars before. But something changed, he is no longer a skinny kid or young man, but an established man of society. His over expressions that got him world wide acclaim just doesn't fit anymore. It seems awkward and weird. I think this happens to many people as they mature in society. We have to constantly change to the surroundings and who we are now. This doesn't mean to get rid of your young inner self, it is about knowing the right place, time and setting. It is about the role we must play at a particular time. Most actors do not loose themselves in a person or character once they are no longer playing that character. They still need to be themselves, but they can also act when needed.
I have also needed to learn this. I have been highly reinforced for being giddy, over expressive and happy. But now that I am getting older, nearly reaching 50, it is coming across rather repulsive. It is time to change. However, I can't go the other way and be quiet, docile or stoic. That is not me. I need to have some expression and personality. Going the other direction will also be socially unaccepted as well. You can't go from one extreme to another. You need to find the balance. You can still be you, just adjust your presentation style. It is just behavior of what you show to other people, not your core. If you want an environment of being giddy, or silly, volunteer for something to do with children. Have an outlet for your creativity.
Think of it this way, you go to a formal ballroom affair, you are going to dress formal and be formal, you go to a sports event, you are going to have a completely different demeanor and your outward expressions are acceptable if they are outrageous. When you are at work, there is a certain way you must present yourself. IN most situations, you cannot talk to your co-workers like you can your friends. You are also different with your parents, than a 4 year old child. All different sides of you, different presentations, but you are still being you.
Being aware of our environment, without getting your feelings crushed is listening. You can't listen if something offends or upsets you. To better fit in your world, you must listen to it first, then you can decide if the information is warranted, or not.
When you hear or listen to feedback, all they are commenting on or reacting to are your outside actions. I'm talking from live inter-personal communication, not text, e-mail or chat exchanges.
We should treat any communication as information, instead of thinking of it as something that goes deep to our egos. We should be open to the fact we might not be presenting well. We should be open to the fact that we might not be communicating well. The other side should also remember that it is just an exterior communication we are showing. Some people just get upset by another's attitude, but do not realize this is exterior, do we really know what that person is thinking? Granted, some actions and behaviors should not be tolerated, this is where good listening and awareness of your environment comes into play.
So how do we take people and their actions towards us? What do we do if we feel negative vibes from them? Do we blow them off and stick our noses in the air, or try to ease the tension? Could that make it worse? Sometimes even our good intentions can come across wrong. Where is the balance here? Sometimes it just takes many tries to find that connection. Sometimes nothing you can do will work. It is self defeating to let this get to you. Easy to say, very hard to take emotionally.
I had one person come up to me and just go off on me. I don't think she realized how she was coming across to me. Because it was in the middle of a work department, I told her we should discuss this some where else. She kept going off and accusing me of things that were not true. I felt her doing this out in the open where others could hear, really put me on the spot and made me feel really uncomfortable. She did not listen to what I said, but more took offense. All I said was we need to discuss this some place else. What happened was, she completely took what I said in an e-mail the wrong way. I was trying to give her information from the supervisor, in what he wanted to do with this project. However, she in turn, interpreted it as me trying to act as a supervisor. What? I was just conveying what the supervisor said, using his name saying this is what he wants. But in her hurried manner and only going off with her impression of the whole situation and not allowing me to say my side, the communication turned unpleasant.
About 4 hours later, After my shift was over and time to go home, I was getting in my car to go home. It was Friday and I was really tired. This co worker comes up to try and reconcile. Loud cargo trucks where driving around us and I couldn't hear. She never said sorry for going off on me, but instead she said she didn't have any "hard feelings against me." That she wasn't "mad at me." I backed off and said, "it is time to home." I was exhausted, didn't want to get into this conversation and I couldn't hear. I felt it was very presumptuous of her that this one way conversation of her reconciling put me in a difficult position. Both situations she was not open to listen to me or see where I was coming from on this issue. It was about her thinking she was reconciling and she being the better person to approach me. She thought I was being resistant and uncooperative. I never got a chance to say my side. Sadly, at the time, I was suffering from some dangerous medical situations that left me extremely fatigue. Having the energy to deal with this was very difficult for me and the best thing I could do at the time was retreat.
What happened is she was looking at the whole situation from her perspective and that her interpretations ruled her actions. She never once listened to what I had to say or even cared to pay attention to what was going on in the environment. She needed to take care of this matter and it was going to be on her terms. If I didn't react the way she wanted, then I was in the wrong. I felt sand blasted by both of her approaches that day. Being tired, I just didn't have the energy to play the super communicator. I wanted to go HOME!
I'm not saying my actions were perfect, but this is an example of how listening wasn't happening on either side. I felt sand blasted and attacked, which doesn't help my listening skills. I shouldn't take such actions so personally. She had some beef with me and was going to make sure I heard everything that was on her mind. She had no listening skills to see where I was coming from and took such offense of something she misunderstood.
Regardless of what happens on either end or what side you are on, listening skills are still valuable even if someone is going off on you. You learn a lot about the other person when you do. Learning how to deal with adversity is a very good skill. The first step is just to listen, listen to the message, don't take it as an attack. When we do take things as an attack, this emits something in us that is non-social. Non-approachable. Conflict rises. Listening, without taking it in as a personal attack, you can see that this person has some problems and issues. In a low voice, I could have said, hey, let's come into this conference room so we can have privacy to talk. Even though we could say she shouldn't have gone off on me, the thing is, sometimes we do need to be the one with the better skills to communicate. The goal, to decrease conflict. If at least one person doesn't know how to decrease the conflict, both sides will fail to communicate.
During communications, we do need to stop, take a deep breath and just listen. We really do need to be aware of our environment, in how people respond to us, but don't take it as Gospel, but as information. Take it as information to tweak our external actions, not to change our whole self. Its not to put us into submission, it is just information. Being open to this might make us more approachable, more socially savvy and more enjoyable. Unfortunately, this will take time to learn how to listen. When we are tired, not feeling well, stressed etc. it is very hard to do listen appropriately. We also need to take the time to shape ourselves to listen better. This takes practice and is a habitual change. So when you are not listening, this isn't a criticism fest time, it is assessing where you are, and moving forward. We are not perfect creatures and people who have better listening skills most likely just have more time practicing. It is about behavioral changes.
Just remember, we can still choose to be ourselves, just how we interact or react needs to undergo some little changes. s different. Some groups like loud, some do not. Some groups like stoic, while some groups want a little more life or personality out of a person. We can adjust as needed, but that doesn't really change us. How we interact with people is all about presentation, not who we are inside. This is not about pleasing others or following others, it is about connecting with different people. Those who seem to have many friends and many activities are those who can adjust to the situation and not conform to one way. This takes practice to adjust your outer social savvy skills. It is a skill, not who we are as a human being. The first step is to just start to listen, become more aware of your environment, become less reactive and think before you talk. Once this first step is practiced, then you can improve on listening skills and having fun in changing how you respond. Try something new. Sometimes you will never reach people, that's ok, either you can keep trying, take a break or more on if you can. But keep those listening skills open, you may really learn something unexpected.
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