Friday, January 01, 2016

The time has come......

     I always knew that one day I would have to give up driving. But I never knew it was going to be this soon. Isn't that the case? we think it will always be in the future.

      Two weeks ago I was driving to work in my truck. The sun was so intense, that at the right angle it would blind me. So I tried to leave home at a good time so this would happen. Unfortunately, this morning my truck had frost on the windows. I let it set for a little bit for it to clear off while I tried scraping it off. This set me leaving for work at a time the sun was very blinding. As I drove, I at that crucial hard spot, I was blinded, I slowed down and moved to the far right lane. I saw a huge semi-truck with a flat bed for an earth mover a good distance in front of me. I slowed down more thinking I would be ok, Cars whizzing by me on the left, getting frustrated I was going way to slow. I thought I had slowed down enough, but then the sun really got in my eyes. Even putting up my hand didn't help. My wind shield was pitted from being old, making it even harder to see out of and yes, it was also dirty. Before I knew it, I rear ended into the flat bed. air bags on both sides exploded open. My radiator was hit that white smoke came out of the hood.Obviously, the Semi truck with the tractor bed was going a lot slower than I thought.

       I frantically looked for my cell phone and couldn't find it. I wanted to call 911. I just couldn't find it so after a few minutes of looking I got out of my truck. A few other people had stopped. We later got Divine out of my truck, she seemed ok. My upper back was sore, but otherwise I was ok. The ambulance came and took me on a board, on a stretcher, tied me down to immobilize me. They took Divine's leash and I also told them that I had my work's computer in the truck. The officer retrieved it for me and they put it in the ambulance. While driving to the hospital, I was talking to the EMT if it is common people are in accidents because of the sun. He said yes, it happens quite often. Me thinking to myself, ok, it wasn't because I am a low vision driver. And I let out a sigh of relief. While in the ER, they tapped my spine to see where anything hurt, only my upper back, they took an x-ray and no cracks or fractures. It was all muscle. The accident happened about 7:10am and I was discharged about 9:45am. I was sore for 4 days.

        I rented a car, but noticed my vision seemed hazy. While driving to Ramona one Saturday morning, I had a hard time seeing. With the sun to the side and the trees creating a flicker of light and dark spots, I realized my vision really has decreased. The next morning I went to a nose work practice and had difficulties, straining. I was on edge arriving to practice. I tried driving to work on Monday and kept hitting the buttons to the lanes. That night I realized "I can't do this". During this time I was also searching for a new car. The pressure of trying to find what I wanted and seeing how my vision was failing me Christmas Day I just sat home all day depressed. I just couldn't get myself to do anything. I needed to grieve. Losing your ability to drive is huge if you are not close to public transportation. How do i get to doctor appointments? Go grocery shopping? Do cloths shopping? Run errands? things everyone takes for granted that they can just jump in and go. Now I have to carefully plan everything I do.

           How am I going to continue to do my nose work activities? I have friends that will help, but my class I like to attend is an hour and 45 minute drive away. Nearly 7 hours one way by train. how will I get to trials? Trying to get into one is difficult, now the added challenge of transportation. Then just my own practice, I can't just jump in my truck and go to a park, strip mall or industrial park anymore. I will have to walk to places nearby my house. I may have to walk an hour. It is going to take some dedication and some effort. I'm not married, I don't have a significant other and i don't have family nearby.

          Will this haziness ever go away? it could. What I have is a vitreous fluid detachment. It separated from the eye wall, which created the haze in my vision. It happens with injuries. It could have gotten worse due to the accident and its jolt to my eye. It also happened 8 months prior when a Dremel took hit me in the face. Hitting my eye enough to separate the jelly of my eye from the wall.

            It may take a few months to a year to clear up. I have so many other issues with my eye like floaters, extreme myopia that will that all hold together until this haziness clears? I have no idea. This not driving could be permanent. There is no telling. But what I need to do is plan for today and today I'm not buying a car. Today I am going to have to live by finding alternative transportation. Sounds easy, but a lot more difficult in practice.

            I am now not so "in-between" deaf-blind. My vision becoming worse I am now fitting more into the deaf-blind label and away from the in-between being deaf-blind. Ironically it feels so much better to not be in limbo anymore. it has been difficult being trapped in the middle. Now people will see my handicapped and not think I'm faking it or milking it.

          I have a new life to build and all I can do is look forward to the new adventure. Be grateful that I still have my job, and I have enough vision to continue with the job. I can still do my dog sport, will be a challenge, but I can still do it. I will rise above and suceed.