Tuesday, November 10, 2015

A confession.....

     when I was a young girl, I belonged to a youth group for the blind. That also had separately deaf children that attended the organization too. You would think that me being around partially sighted and blind kids, I would be ok looking at their eyes. Many eyes I accepted, but there was something about crossed eyes I didn't like. I thought it was gross. Why couldn't I look at these people? Why couldn't I accept the way they look? I always tried to be friendly with everyone, talked to everyone and was a social butterfly. No one knew I didn't like crossed eyes. Didn't matter one or two. I could handle any other eye condition, just not an eye that turned in. I should accept everyone!

      In 1982, I had my third retina detachment surgery that was unsuccessful. Having three surgeries put a lot of strain on my eye. A few months after I completely lost my vision, my eye turned in. I now, looked crossed eyed. I was horrified. I felt it was Karma coming back at me for being uncomfortable and not accepting of people who had crossed eyes. For years I had a hard time looking at people. I was so self conscious of being crossed eyed, it really took a toll on my confidence. Even some people acted different towards me because it isn't "normal". It just made me feel really  handicapped. It took me years to get over this. It took me years to be able to walk up to people and talk to them. It took me years to be able to give public presentations. I felt like a freak. Slowly and surely as I developed my confidence, it did become less of an issue. Being a park ranger, giving public presentations really helped me get out of my shell. It was very difficult for me to talk about myself. I was quiet and private. I was very self conscious.

         In 2006m my turned in eye, with no vision, started to hurt. The pain was intensified when I would lie down. I couldn't sleep. The doctor gave me eye drops to help with the pain, but it just didn't help. The day before Thanksgiving 2006, the doctor gave me an alcohol blocker to stop the pain. It worked but my right side of my face swelled up significantly. My eye lid closed shut. I thought I would never be able to open my eye lid again. I sent to a surgeon to talk about enucleation. While there he said I may never be able to open my right eye lid again. I was living in Ventura County at the time and the doctor was in Harbor City, close to Long Beach Harbor. That 2 hour drive home I cried. I couldn't stop crying I was so upset. I kept thinking I had a turned in eye looking like a freak, now I'm going to have a closed eye lid. I just want to look normal! Is that so hard to ask?

           July 3, 2007 I had total enucleation of my right eye. It is not easy to part with your body, but looking in a mirror just before hoping on the surgery table, a calm came over me asI saw the deep red blood looking eye, it is time. After surgery I wondered why I didn't have it sooner. In a few months I had a prosthetic made. It wasn't a perfect match, but for the first time in 25 years, I had the appearance that both my eyes looked forward. The a ocularist did such a great job in painting my iris, most everyone thought the prosthetic was my real eye. My eyes will never be even again, but I'm happy to say that at least my eyes look forward.

          Currently, I am on a borrowed prosthetic eye and it isn't a right fit. As soon as I get some of my dialysis taking care of and the time change comes the end of March, I will get a new prosthetic made.

           We are funny people, and why I have a difficult time with turned in eye, when it really isn't that big of a deal. I had made it worse than it is. I became a superficial person. I wish people wouldn't judge me, but here i was judging others. What a mixed emotional feeling this has been. My philosophy is to accept people as they are, and don't let stupid things like a turned in eye make me look less at a person. Turned in or not, the person is still the same. We need to stop judging people by superficial means. I hate it when people do it to me. I had  a flip taste of medicine, but at least now, I am a better person. I'm not so freaked out about turned in eyes and I can accept people for who they are, rather than their superficial appearances.