The ups and downs and all around.

Having consistent energy is a blessing. When you have a few days of exhilarating energy, you feel on top of the world. Everything moves smoothly and falls into place. Life takes little effort. People look at you like you have it all together. You feel good about yourself.....at least for those few days. Then your cyclic energy levels take a crash. Your joints are a low level ache, your body feels like it is moving through a Molasses vat. Just a few weeks ago the things you did, didn't take 2-3 times longer. Your veins feel like sludge is moving through them, enabling you from being quick on your feet. Moving takes a lot of effort and mental push. Your thought process is slow, you forget some things, you are looked at kind of strangely like you are not with it. People back off from you, thinking you are weird. Especially if they saw you a month ago being the exuberant energizer bunny. They think you are milking it, that what you are going through is just a little slow down and you should be able to over come it. They don't realize how numb and lack of energy you feel right now. Like having a heavy cold and you don't want to move, but you know you are not sick with a cold. What is this? Why this drastic cycle? Can't I just feel me for a year and have maybe a week I don't feel so hot? Is that really too much to ask? Ok, then how about 3 weeks of bad and the rest I feel alive? Why is that not possible?

   You miss key points and people think you are stupid. You know you are better than the way people treat you. Your in sync-ness is just not there. Your ability to blend with people is gone.  You know you are a marvel trying to fight through this fatigue that so few understand. They don't care, they just see you as substandard. People have expectations that they must be around people like them. They see someone slow down, there is something wrong with them. They walk away, instead of getting to know you.

    You know you do way too much in your life for your energy level, but you don't want your life to be work and sleep. You want to do other things to keep life interesting. You can't keep up with the rest, even the average, so you drag. Those days you do well you jump at them. Those small times that give you hope again you are a normal human. That you can and are capable. That people could possibly treat you as an equal, but they don't.

     The people who do well get in their little cliques, while they brush you aside as substandard. You get this over and over and over....it wears on you. It is hard not to really hate people. You try to focus on positive strength, and ignore the ignorant judgement of others. You wish they could be in your shoes for 3 months, while you get to have their "average" body, which seems like the world opened up to you. The heavy wait, the joint aches, the slow movements are gone. I don't want to be perfect, for me being average is good enough. Average I can at least work towards being great because me is great, my body just gives out. As much as I wish I could have another body, I can't. I have to learn how to rise above with what I have. I know I work harder, nobody sees it. It is exhausting. It is so hard to keep up with people and then I'm faced with exerting energy to keep up, or let it slide to conserve energy so I can feel normal and not overly fatigue.

      I know if I could have the health and body to enable to show my full potential. It feels so awful being trapped. I walk,  I function, then people say, you can always find someone worse. How does that help me? I'm still treated as substandard? I go out to workshops, no one wants to "hang" with me, they do their little chit chat, but don't include me. So I learn to walk away. Too much effort to try and hear and too much effort to remind them all the time. They don't understand how painful and loosing connection this is for me. Such a hard lesson what I have had to learn to accept. It is hard not to hate people. I use a lot of energy every day to think positive. I keep trying to do what I can and remind myself that those ignorant people are very clueless how much you overcome. If they knew, they would marvel at you. But instead they look at you as a freak, while you are isolated an alone. Then your world becomes of yourself. You make your own happiness and make your own life without people. It hurts, but there is nothing that can be done. People want to stay ignorant. You even see how much more mature you are than them. How they dont' see it yet. They a re still stuck in status and popularity. People miss out. I grow from their mishaps.