My Dream Job

     Ever since I was in high school, I wanted to be a park ranger. Not the law enforcement kind, but the naturalist kind. The ones that inspire people about nature and share with visitors all the delicate special things that nature has to offer us. Nature has a powerful message that we miss as we get caught up in our urban lifestyle. How to forget electronics, concrete and the fast life, just enough to fall into a peaceful moment of nature.

     For one reason or another, I got side tracked. I thought I wanted to be a veterinarian and went forward with that in college. That desire kept me going and that desire is what enabled me to graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Zoology with a minor in Chemistry. After veterinary technician school, I realized I was burned out and no longer had the desire to become a veterinarian. I still wanted to work with animals, and still loved being with dogs, but I took another turn.

      A few years later I was employed by the U. S. Fish and Wildlife Service as a Wildlife Inspector. My job was to make sure that all wildlife entering into Los Angeles by way of airplane, ship, or mail was compliant. That they had their appropriate permits to enter the United States. If the appropriate documentation was not presented, the item or animal would be seized. It was fascinating job and gave me a sense of purpose. In a small little way, I was helping the cause in saving our wildlife around the world. I inspected shipments from tropical fish, coral (yes they are animals) snakes, lizards, turtles, millipedes, scorpions, chimpanzee (rare), a variety of birds, zoo animals, and a variety of animals made into products and medicinals. It was a fascinating job. I did have challenges of seeing and hearing. I was given special equipment to see the animals for identification, special glasses with little scopes on them, a special hand magnifier and a cool lamp for my head to see in the bags that would have either lizards or snakes or some other critter. My vision was better at that time and I could handle the rigors of the job.

     Then I was hit with reality. As I get older and my vision less stable, I needed to learn a new job while I was young enough where if my vision got worse, I could have a skill to work. I also remembered my childhood dream of becoming a park ranger. I quit my good job with U. S. Fish and Wildlife and went back to school. In 2000, I attended Humboldt State University, where I found the wonder and the inspiration to connect with nature. Having lived in Los Angeles for 5 1/2 years, I realized I had lost touch with my natural environment. Being in Law Enforcement, you have a certain attitude and toughness that took a toll on me. It took me awhile to let go of the skepticism of people and emerge myself in the world of wonder. I was about to embark on a journey of inspiring people and having peace and solitude with nature.

       I remember a moment walking on the beach in Humboldt County just south of Redwood National Park. A tiny dirt road that weaved in-between the redwoods and thick vegetation. The Redwoods are the tallest trees in the world, they are so tall that you can't see the sky above you. Then as you drive a little further, you start to see blue sky ahead and then more light as you drive forward, then the beach. A quiet place with nearly no one in sight. I would go to this beach often watching the sun set. The waves would crash in hard since the water was rough. Too tepid to want to swim out more than your knees. The water would come up to the send where a lot of Redwood broken to many pieces have drifted onto shore. As I looked down at the sand, I made a very unique discovery. I picked up a handful of this sand. The sand isn't fine, but very grainy.The sand was the size of small pebbles. This was unlike the sand I was use to growing up near Malibu. My mother took me to Zuma Beach often when I was a child. The sand was fine where it would blow away in the wind. The sand I was looking at in Humboldt County was different to walk on, and different colors. As I picked some up in my hand and brought the chunks up to my face and saw the different shades of color in just one sand grain. My mind drifted in a peaceful stance letting the colors blend into my existence. I was moving into my right brain to connect to the sand pebbles. No more cognitive thought, but opening of the heart, to let peace in. I started noticing more shades of color, streaks and patterns as I continued to stare at the sand. As I let go of all my tension and troubles, I connected to nature and peace. It was a feeling of letting it all go and being able to focus on the fascination of nature from the beautiful color, to the science, to the art. I realized at that point I really wanted to be a park ranger.

         I was fortunate that my journey as a park ranger started in the beautiful Redwood curtain. A unique place of nature, that it pulls you in. The tallest trees in the world, the ferns, and the smell of the duff. You were in God's country. The Redwood forest is well know in the movie, "The Return of the Jedi" where the battle with the Ewoks in the forest. That scene was filmed in the Redwood forest where they only exist in one place in the world, Northern California.

         My first job assignment was Seney National Wildlife Refuge in the upper peninsula of Michigan. A remote place where driving to Wal-Mart takes an hour and a half. I lived in a historic 1933 log cabin that was built by the Civilian Conservation Corp. A program that Roosevelt started to get the economy stimulated. The rustic feel of the cabin was all the better to give a feel of being out in the open, in a natural setting at Seney National Wildlife Refuge. My summer there was 2001. They had 7 nesting Loon pairs. I could watch the pair dive for food. When they came up to the surface, their young chicks would ride their backs. What a peaceful event to watch, the real thing, uncut, unedited, non-sensationalized and real.

        Although I am hard-of-hearing, I could hear the echoing calls of the Loon, like a music you hear on a New Wave recording. At night I also heard the Sandhill Cranes, they sound like you went back in a prehistoric time with their crackle call. As the sun set every night and I would walk along the quiet road when the refuge was closed, there is a calmness in the air while you hear the sounds of the birds, frogs and insects. A choir like no other and the smell of night coming. The time is dusk.

         Being able to give programs at Seney was a special treat. I was still new at giving presentations. I also organized a large special event of almost 350 people. I set up booths, organized speakers and we also had a wolf howling contest. I was amazed that I could plan such an event with several activities.

         One of my biggest memories of Seney was going with the biologist, tracing through a  pool up to my waist with no waders. The water had tannic acid, which had dyed my white socks a dark brownish red. This is a typical work day of a biologist, especially one that is going to band an eaglet. The biologist climbed a tree, found a baby eaglet, put it in a bag and lowered the bag with the eaglet down to the ground. Measurements were taken, then the eaglet banded. The thrill to be able to hold our symbol of United States, an eaglet that will some day soar through the skies and hunt fish. A symbol of freedom and I was holding this young freedom in my hands. 

         As the summer came to a close, I did the long drive back to Northern California. Driving to and from Seney, Michigan I saw how beautiful our country is with its natural resources. I thought back at when I was legally blind, and how my sight was restored 4 and a half years earlier. I was so fortunate. I would drive the miles of land, no buildings, no development, just the interstate. I also felt at peace. Much of the land I saw is preserved for the benefit of our future generations. What a spectacular beauty we have here. I'm so happy we have National Wildlife Refuges, National Parks, U. S. Forest Service, Bureau of Land Management, all the state parks and all other agencies that preserve our country's treasures of our natural resources. Not being able to connect to this is a shame, but that is the role of a park ranger. To connect people to its peaceful beauty, that nothing else is like it anywhere on our earth, that having natural lands is a rich thing. Taking it away is a sad thing. If people could just stare at a mountain, a tree, an animal and let their energy flow in and feel its power. How so many have lost the connection to nature or how some have never developed the connection of nature.

          The following spring I did an internship at Patuxent Research Refuge in Laurel, Maryland. This refuge was more urban, but I was able to gain skills in doing environmental education programs with children. This is where I learned the fun of teaching young kids. I actually enjoyed it. Kids allow me to be silly, without being crazy. It is a way to find laughter, inspiration, wonder  and yourself.

           Then I started an internship with Santa Monica Mountains National Recreation Area and perfected my skill as a park ranger even more. I learned more about the area I grew up. I learned more about our beautiful native oak trees, the history of movie filming at Paramount Ranch, learned about the native Chumash of the area and felt more connected to the area I was raised. Not a lot of areas have this unique Mediterranean ecosystem. With summer coming up, I applied to a seasonal job and was hired at Klondike Goldrush National Historical Park. Skagway, Alaska. I spent 6 months there in one of the most beautiful places on our planet. Our last Frontier is Alaska. Pictures that we wee of its beauty do not do it justice of what it is to experience Alaska. The people are rustic, the towns are alive, just as when they were alive when people with hope, looking for gold came through.

              My favorite program to give was my Gold Rush Dogs. I portrayed a woman who took a journey to Alaska with her dog. It was said that the Gold wouldn't have been found for another few years if it weren't for the dogs that traveled with the gold seekers. To combine my love for dogs and being a park ranger together was just too good to be true. If I could have it all, that's what I would love to do, be a park ranger and have it related to dogs.

              October 2003, I left Alaska. I left an experience that was unique. I still struggled with how to connect with co-workers, but as far as visitors, my programs and seeing my way in becoming a better park ranger, I was getting better after each park. I did suffer fatigue and that would set me back. I couldn't read long hours in the evenings books that everyone else could. To get the information in my head was a challenge. When I returned to California, I went into a lull, kind of what you get after Christmas. The excitement of Christmas comes to an abrupt end, and you get slightly down. this is how I felt returning home from Alaska. Where did that energy go? The next two summers i went to Kings Canyon National Park in the beautiful Sierras in California. I was amongst the largest trees, by mass, in the world. We were at approximately 6600 feet elevation. The altitude did take a toll on me and I felt more fatigue. I felt as if I was walking in Molasses, hoping one day that my bouncy energy would come back. I still had a hard time trying to read all the material fast enough for my programs. It was a challenge. It was frustrating to be right where I wanted to be, but feeling so much fatigue and low energy.

                My last park was Zion National Park. It took me six years since I had left my job as a Wildlife Inspector, to let go of a lot of stress. I was among many people who were very kind and treated me like a human. It felt great to work with the many people at the park. It was my best year. However, I started out having some medical problem. I arrived in April, and had a lot of fatigue. I dragged. Again, I'm where I really want to be but I have no energy! In July, I started walking every night and lost 25 lbs. I had bounds of energy and realized why I was so sluggish and low energy. I have cholesterol issues. My body produces too much cholesterol due to a kidney disease. If i don't continue to exercise, and although I may look a little heavy, my body is actually acting as if I'm morbidly obese. That's because that is how much fat is circulating in my body due to my cholesterol problem. It is very difficult to keep an exercise program going since I get aching joints from my joint condition. This is what I experienced at Klondike Gold Rush Historical Park. People thought I was just lazy, but I was fighting pain and fatigue.

At Zion, the people were really nice and included me like one of their own. I had a close circuit TV to  help with reading. In the beginning, I couldn't read much. I started reading much better after July. But when I first came in April, I couldn't read fast enough to get all my programs ready. I had three good programs but two were so so due to needing to read more and learn more. I read so slow, four times slower than the average person. It is sometimes so hard to keep up the pace, but I work the hardest I can. Sadly, my supervisor saw my so so programs. She surprised me. She originally was going to see my better programs, but instead went to one I threw together and followed the outline of another person's program. I didnt' have two nights sleep, had a headache and then had her watching a program I knew wasn't up to par. It was a disaster. Murphy's law in full bloom.

                 The best years of my life were when I was a park ranger. I had challenges, and for the most part, kept them well hidden from everyone. Reading was difficult, hearing is difficult, but I worked hard to get around them and to show everyone things are fine. I know that I can succeed as a park ranger, I just need a little more time reading material. IF I were a full-time park ranger this wouldn't be too much of an issue. I also fought my fluctuating fatigue issues. People judge and label, I keep fighting every day to over come all my challenges to the point, I don't know when it is too much or not enough. I exhaust myself, sometimes I try to pace myself, and when I'm doing good, I really push myself. Mostly because I don't know when I'm going to go through a slump again.

                   I hope one day I can get back to doing this work, how to balance appropriately and keep a steady pace. Since I moved around to so many parks, I never got a full solid foundation to be able to catch up with the reading. To feel up to par with everyone else that takes them 1/4 or less the time to read or get the information in their head. I have to be patient with myself. I'm so fortunate that most people in the park system do understand. They are willing to help instead of demean you or patronize you. My skills are very good. When I'm exercising, eating well and have a solid program, I'm literally at the top of the world.

                  One day, I will do another program well and ignite that spark in people they didn't know they had for our natural beauty. One day I will be able to, provoke them to learn more about something they never knew about and teach them how to be stewards to our natural treasures. I will inspire people who look at dirt, and now have them see it is a whole living community.One day.

How to see a chicken peck

One of my favorite past times is learning how to train my dogs. I've always tried to learn behavior and learning theory as much as I could for the past 23 years. I'm fascinated with the subject. I learn about the nature vs. nurture and how it intertwines with each other and conflicts with each other. In 1992, I was exposed to the concept of clicker training. Unfortunately the concept of "Clicker Training" has really been distorted. It has many meanings for people where if you were to ask a different people their take, you would get a variety of inconsistent answers. For some it is also an emotional topic. One side that is religiously for it, while another camp that is harshly against it. Then you have all the folks in-between on the spectrum. I wanted to perfect my training skills in clicker training. It is positive reinforcement, where you give something to increase a behavior. It was brought to the public many decades ago by B.F. Skinner. It is amazing how many people in academia who have the concept of B. F. Skinner's work confused and never took the time to really understand what it means. There are Master's degrees and Ph.D.s that can be obtained in this field, most commonly called Behavior Analysis. But I got to work with some folks that brought this concept to the animal training world. Bob and Marian Bailey. Their subject of choice to train these concepts is a chicken. Why on earth would anyone train a chicken to be a better dog trainer? They are a non-emotional subject like a dog. You give a dog a cross look and they respond. You do that to a chicken and because they are not getting reinforced, will go wandering off. The idea is how to you keep the attention of a chicken and teach it to do some behaviors. If you can do that, then you know you will be able to train the most difficult of dogs.

In 1999, I decided to attend chicken camp. I went to two one-week camps. My concept and mechanical skills in training improved like no other speaker has been able to do. This put me light years ahead of the game and the concept. I then had a deep understanding on clicker training beyond anyone who hasn't been to chicken camp in the pet dog world. Of course I'm a nobody, but I certainly had a deeper understanding. This is not pompous because everyone else i talked to who has been to chicken camp felt the same thing. It's like other folks went to high school and we got our Master's Degree. Figure of speech. It doesn't mean we are over all better trainers, or over all better behaviorist, just that we have this insight that no words other than "wow" can explain.

How does someone with limited vision tackle capturing (seeing) a behavior? You observe behavior and you take this little clicker box and click at that exact instant the subject or animal does the behavior you want. This box is a THAT'S IT! Now, how do they connect that the noise of a clicker is a THAT'S IT!" The trainer follows it up instantly with some chicken feed. Then after a few repetitions, they start realizing that when they do a particular behavior, they get payday. Done correctly, it is well conditioned. Done poorly, it becomes bribing with food and you don't succeed very well. The latter is what the nay sayers see and start to say how clicker training doesn't work. it is then food oriented, not conditioned oriented.

Clicker Training is mostly visual. Chickens are very fast. If you click too late, then you are accidentally clicking a different behavior and it could be something you don't want. For example, the chicken pecks a red square, but you accident click after the peck and when the chicken walks away from the red square. You actually reinforcing the walk away behavior to occur more often rather than the behavior of pecking the red square. Timing is crucial in this method of training.

When I went to the first week of chicken camp, it was a challenge. The lighting was poor and I was having such a hard time training my chicken. Bob was unsure how to get around this. I felt like a real idiot and felt like a bad trainer. Bob was doubtful that I would get the knack of training a chicken. I also couldn't see the fast movements under the lighting. Florescent lighting makes patches in my vision and trying to see a fast moving chicken was difficult. My low vision was really becoming a handicap in this session. 

I was going to come back in a month for the second session, I was problem solving what could I do to succeed? I brought a full spectrum light bulb and full determination I was going to train my chicken well. In the workshop, we trained chickens on a table, we used a one cup measuring cup with a clicker glued to the handle. When we clicked, we offered the cup and we only gave the chicken one peck of food that was in the cup. I had a lamp on my table where I put in the full spectrum light bulb and voila, visibility for me was better. It counteract the florescent lighting and gave me a better full view of my chicken's movements.



I'm that in-between person.

I got through chicken camp. Then to be with a hearing loss on top of that, the speakers to wear an assistive listening device. So I had other accommodations as well. I was determined to get through. The summer of 1999 will always be cherished in my learning of training for the rest of my life. It has helped me in my public speaking skills, teaching young children, working with a special education boy who had only a vocabulary of three words, training my dogs and how to train myself. Definitely a pivotal learning experience in my life. Bob and Marian Bailey are two of the people that have been most influential to me in my life. I cherish what they taught me and ever so grateful I had the prevledge to work with them. May Marian rest in peace and Bob keep going on strong.

Summer Camp

     When I was ten years old in 1975, I attended summer camp located in Malibu. Camp Bloomfield was nestled back in the steep part of Mulholland Highway in the Santa Monica Mountains. The ecosystem was Mediterranean with thick oak brush.

     This was no ordinary camp, it was a part of the Foundation for the Junior Blind, a youth camp for kids who were partially sighted, legally blind or totally blind. Just beside Camp Bloomfield was Happy Hollow, a camp for deaf and hard-of-hearing kids. Their camp was not built yet, but participated in several activities in Camp Bloomfield. This was the first time I ever was exposed to American Sign Language and several kids with a hearing loss. Most of my life, I was around kids with a vision loss. It was fresh and new to me to experience something different. I loved learning sign language and being expose to a different culture. I had a connection.

        The camp session for kids my age lasted two weeks. I had the time of my life. They had regular camp activities from horse back riding, swimming, camp fires, camp fire songs, camp food to everything about summer camp. I loved hanging around kids similar to me. I found my niche. It was so easy to talk to anyone. It was so easy to make friends. It was so easy to be happy.

         Every summer I went to Camp Bloomfield. They had a session for middle school which lasted three weeks and a separate high school session was three weeks. I went all the way through until 1983. For the older session, wWe would have pretend, "New Year's Eve" dances, talent shows, regular dances, carnivals and many other fun activities. Everything camp. I use to call it my "Fantasy Island."

        The Foundation for the Junior Blind was based in Los Angeles. They also had activities throughout the year. I would go to some of their activities. This youth organization was a haven for me when I was permanently mainstreamed in regular public school in 7th grade. Kids are cruel and they will find anything to pick on. I was different. I was a target. I was the focus of a lot of bullying at my middle and high school. I was the ugly dork. I had some friends as I was in drill team, tall flags and then in my senior year I was in Marching band. I had one good friend while in drill team/tall flags. Then in my senior year, I just hung around the band. I did like the band a lot, but there was a gap. The place I always felt fully accepted was at the Foundation for the Junior Blind or Camp Bloomfield.

        In 1984 I was old enough to become a camp counselor. One of the requirements were you needed to have one year of college. I really enjoyed being a counselor. At this time my major was Therapeutic Recreation at California State University, Northridge. I loved camp so much that I wanted to do something in that field. Except a change happened when I was the horse specialist at camp. I knew I loved working with animals. I then realized I wanted to do some studies in veterinary medicine. A semester after camp ended, I transferred to California Polytechnic State University, Pomona. I put camp behind me and moved on to other interests in life. However, camp is a very special place to me, my best times in my life were spent there and will always cherish it. It was my "Fantasy Island" where my wishes did come true.

Incidental Learning

You drop your keys, you hear them fall and you pick them up. You see a flicker on the phone to tell you there is a message on your voice mail. While walking around your college campus, you over hear a conversation and find out there is some free food in the next room. These are occurrences that happen every day that are so incidental, you are barely using conscious thought while taking action from the cues of hearing keys fall, seeing the flicker or over hearing the conversation. This is essentially a person who is connected and in sync with their environment.

Incidental events are all around us, in constant motion, appearing randomly. It is information, input and stimulation to connect you to your environment. It is knowledge and awareness. Incidental learning is also prevalent in the workplace. Below is an expert from Wikipedia on Incidental Learning:

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In terms of learning in the workplace, where everything is focused on performance and performance is everything, the informal element of learning needs to be factored into the equation for any real learning to take place. Companies need to add those accidental, informal intersections of learning and performance into the process. They need to understand that the informal side of the equation requires real people in real time: mentors, coaches, masters, guides, power users, subject-matter experts, communities of practice. What needs to happen is that companies and schools need to foster informal moments of knowledge transfer.
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What does this all mean to a person who is deaf-blind or in-between deaf-blind? The activities that go on around a person with a hearing loss and a vision loss is not absorbed in the same way as someone who has average hearing and average vision. Their incidental experiences are not going to be the same. It will be different. I could be duller, brighter, and with some vision problems, they could see double, triple or more. Depending on the frequency loss in the hearing, it could sound very different, creating an experience not like the average person. Like filters in a camera that changes a perspective in a photo. What is seen in one photo, may not appear in another. The angle could give a different view, and a different story.

When one person has a standard camera lens, and another person has a different kind of lens with filters, the same item photographed by these two people may have a drastically different image. These two people would have to communicate an understanding of what their image is, because of their lenses and filters they see a different world. This is like the comparison of a person who is in-between deaf-blind and a person with average vision and hearing. They see and hear different worlds. The input from their environment will be different. They will problem solve differently. Openness and patience with each other while the two photographers communicate to each other, is important for true a true understanding. Otherwise, they won't be able to connect. One will think the other is stupid because they do not have the open mind to realize what they see is different from what the other sees. 

I have had jobs where I had patient and wonderful people who instinctively knew where to cue me in on things I may not have heard or seen. They didn't have to instruct, over explain or patronize me. They just cued me in where I needed. This insight helped me in the beginning of a new job and a new environment. Co-workers would point out things that a person with vision or hearing take for granted. The little extra time the person would take to cue me in or fill me in, initially saved me so much more time later and I was on my way. I had the foundation I needed to take off like a rocket. My co-workers realize this has nothing to do with being slower than others, it is only that  my input systems are faulty, like old wires or like channels broken where other channels are utilized to get the information too me in a different way. Once information can be appropriately inputted into my brain, and I have the pieces, I then can function on my own and be independent. But without this initial input,  the cueing in, or the foundation, it could take years before I fill in the holes of missed information.

In situations that I don't get the simple cues and incidental fill ins, I'm isolated. Feel extremely shut out and I have to work extra hard to fill in the gaps of extra hours of reading and studying. Some workplaces have been like this and over the years it can get exhausting. Even if I have been at a place for awhile, and I do not get the chance to blend with the work culture, co-workers will assume that I have been there for years, I should know all the basics by now. But that isn't the case. If the channel they use is open to them, and mine are broken, I will never get that information they have. This then becomes a stressful environment. I become fatigue trying extra hard to fill in unknown gaps and holes. I'm lost in the dark while others have the light on to search, I don't have the light to utilize to find my way. This can lead to exasperation, frustration and stress. It is similar to someone trying to get instructions and one major piece of turning right or left on a particular street is missed. You now have to back track and find where you missed that crucial information to get where you are going. Sometimes this means you may waste hours of finding that missed piece of information. Finding that missed information when you don't have the keywords is maddening.

If someone doesn't understand that this is not about intelligence, being smart, aware, there will be misunderstanding. This misunderstanding leads to being critical, judgemental, patronizing, and demeaning. Not a fun environment. Asking questions are faced with demeaning statements. You feel as if you never can get ahead of the game. This is not a positive learning environment, but hostility. The teacher or the person with the knowledge need to think out of their box, and learn where the person is coming form in their perspective, not demanding they need to be at a particular learning level. 

Twenty years ago I worked in a veterinary hospital. I struggled with the job for many reasons. One person noted how difficult it was for me because he mentioned how he could be standing a few feet away from the door that was slightly cracked open and hear the veterinarian talking to the client. He could over hear if the veterinarian wanted to do some blood work, or x-rays, or fill a particular prescription. Before the veterinarian would come out to tell the tech what to do, he either had the x-ray machine turned on almost ready to go, or the vials, syringe and needle ready to draw blood or had half the prescription filled. He was tuned into his incidental world. I did not have this advantage.

Incidental is informal learning. It isn't formal classroom instruction, reading regulations, directives, manuals or policies. It is all this stuff that floats around that isn't formally written. It is information that could make life easier for you that is passed on by mentors and other people. Things that cue us in to get ahead of the game and that get that edge is usually absorbed by incidental means or through informal avenues. Connecting with people in discussion, mingling, having exchanges are apart of this edge that is learned by informal events and informal learning. This is how we stay connected and respected as someone, "in the know." Missing out on these oppotunities can put a person at a real disadvantage. Peer pressure will look at them as if they do not have it together.

No one learns from classroom instruction alone. It is even said that those with Ph.D. are not  well rounded until they are out in the world. Their knowledge needs to be experimented in the real world first before they can be considered as having it. They gain their experience after receiving their Ph.D and now can be considered well rounded. Very seldom is someone who just got their Ph.D. considered well rounded in their field until they gain the experience.

The movie, "A Few Good Men" has a scene that demonstrates well that not everything we need to know is written. Tom Cruise plays Lt. Danial Kaffe. Kevin Bacon played Capt. Jack Ross. In this one scene there is a witness on the stand played by Noah Wyle named, Cpl. Jeffery Barnes. Capt. Ross asked the witness if he was familiar with the Marine Corps Outline for Recruit Training and Cpl Barnes said, "yes sir" Cpt. Ross asked, "Can you please turn to the section for code red?" Cpl. Barnes was puzzled and could not because in none of the manuals was there anything on code red. Then Lt. Kaffe came up and asked Cpl. Barnes, "Can you open this book up to the part that tells you where the mess hall is." Cpl. Barnes informs Lt. Kaffee that that isn't in the book either. Lt. Kaffee sarcastically says, "You mean to tell me the entire time you have been at Gitmo, you haven't had a meal?" Cpl. Barnes informs Lt. Kaffee that he has had three squares a day.

Although this scene is trying to prove a point that a code red could happen even if it is not in the manual, I use this as a great example in both the code red and the mess hall that these are events that are not written down. The information is passed on in other ways. When you are deaf-blind, you need to be informed of these things or you most likely will not know about them. What may seem obvious to a sighted and hearing person, may not seem obvious to a deaf-blind person.

A personal story about trying to find a mess hall, is when I went for training in South Carolina for a position I held. I came in the evening before after dinner was serve, so I hadn't been to the cafeteria. The next morning it was pitch black. I wanted to get an early start so I wouldn't be late for my first class day. Looking for breakfast was a challenge. I do not see well when it is pitch black and can be considered legally blind. The woman at the information desk, said go straight back from the back door. I asked, "Straight Back?" She said, "yes ma'am." So I went out the back door as she said and went straight back. It was dark, I could barely see anything and certainly was walking blind. Mickey had his guide dog harness on and I did as the woman said, walk straight back. After about 100 feet, I went right into a deserted building. I looked left and I look right. There was no indication of which way I should turn. I went right and went into more darkness. So I then went the other direction to see if I could find something. I was getting a big nervous as I really wanted to get to class early.

The woman who gave me the instructions how to get to the mess hall takes for granted that she can see lights at a distance and buildings at a distance. I could not. To a person with low vision literally takes straight back, as straight back. I didn't have the ability to see incidental cues to direct me to the cafeteria. I came to a point that I saw some lights, started to walk closer to them and realized as I walked up to the doors, this was the cafeteria. This detour of trying to find the cafeteria was about fifteen minutes. When you cannot see, it can be exasperating, especially when you do not want to be late on your very first day to class. You want to give a good impression. Fortunately I was early to the first day of class. I was fortunate to have Mickey with me.

Most of us may not get accurate instructions, but for a person with low vision, giving some reference points or large landmarks is extremely helpful. For me, I might not see the small subtle things or small signs that will direct me to where I'm going. Others may see the small little iron decor as a landmark, but I may not see it. Wondering to find the house with the iron silhouette of the cat. Missing these landmarks can be exasperating, while a person fully sighted doesn't think anything about it, what's wrong with you? It is so easy to find the house. If they had the same vision loss, it would have been difficult for them as well.

Those with average hearing and vision do not realize how much their incidental world connects them to informal learning. What they think is incidental is small and insignificant, but what they don't realize is this information they learned is absorbed into their brain passively that their conscious mind may not be aware they are storing this information. They have the information in their head, not realizing why they have it, but looking at a deaf-blind or in-between deaf-blind person going, don't you get it? Duh!

When a person starts reading manuals, policies or regulations, their brain is able to piece the information together by their experiences they have recorded in their brain by incidental events. It is so passive that their brain is piecing it together when they do not realize it, while getting all this input in their environment. Imagine learning a text book of science, but going out to an exploritorium, and not being able to see and hear the displays on exhibits that will enabled you to put everything you just read in the science text book together. You would struggle. Life would be abstract with little meaning. No relative experience. A deaf-blind person would rely on feeling, a different way of perceiving the science world in the exploritorium. While an in-between deaf-blind person could use a little hearing, use a little vision and use a little touching. THe person with average hearing and vision would use their hearing and vision. All three different perspectives, all three gaining different experiences, all three would have to communicate to each other in an open minded way.

People learn by relativity. If they can relate to it, they can store the information. If it doesn't make sense, it is harder for them to retain the information. Their awareness of the world around them gives them that extra glue to put it together or that extra filler to solidify the foundation of understanding. The less information you have from missing incidental events, the less you will relate to concepts and learning new things.

A deaf-blind person has to work 2-4 times harder filling in the pieces to come up with the right path to understand a concept. Getting the assistance of extra help with perhaps a key word, or someone pointing out a concept can really relieve the pressure in trying to search for something you have no idea what it is or enough keywords to search for it on the Internet. If you miss the words, you don't have the basis to do an appropriate search. This isn't an issue of not knowing how to search, it is an issue of not having access to the correct keywords to do your search. The difference between searching with one word and three words. If you never heard the other two, your search may take longer or you may never find what you need.

Finding that channel that helps you get the input of information is what at stake here, and some people just may not understand this while they stay on their frequency and judge you while they stay on their frequency, never understanding if they changed over two channels, the pathway of communication and understanding open up and then there is a win-win situation for everyone.

Helen Keller brought Deaf-blind to the world. What would you rather be, Deaf or Blind?

Helen Keller brought to the world the wonder of one person's perspective of being deaf-blind. One person asked Helen Keller, "What would you rather be, deaf or blind?" Helen Keller responded that she would rather be blind because if she could hear, she could have conversations with the people around her. She would then feel connected to her world. Helen expressed her isolation with not being able to hear.

Helen Keller was a child in the Victorian Era. An exciting time of new inventions, new way of life, catalog ordering and people starting to become more mobile. The late 1800's and early 1900's. What a time. It was a time unlike today, back then the industrial age was just getting its massive momentum. Life was changing fast. They didn't have the graphics of today, texting and TV. The telephone was just about to be invented and wasn't being used by the general people yet. Driving an automobile was a very new concept, not everyone had a car. Perhaps Helen Keller's perspective would be different today. Who knows.

Many culturally deaf individuals are proud being deaf and wouldn't change being deaf for anything. They have deaf pride. They have their deaf community and do not feel isolated from the world. They have adapted. Besides, today they have captioned TV, TTYs for the telephone, texting, the internet, sign language, speech recognition programs and much, much more. Back in the Victorian age, being deaf would be very isolating.

Having asked others about this topic, I learned different perspectives on this topic. For a deaf-blind person, giving them a choice of one disability, is like gaining one. What a concept that I actually gain something back. But in reality, I don't get to choose. I still have to deal with having both a vision and hearing loss. I still have and face the world with the challenges of the combined disability, which is unique from just having a heairng loss and just having a vision loss. They are combined, creating a different situation. It isn't a hearing loss plus a vision loss, it is more like a hearing loss times a vision loss. To me, deaf-blindness is not deaf and blind, but a whole new disability due to the complexity of the loss. If you add up the percentage of my loss, it is one whole disability plus 40%. That's almost a disability and a half. If I got to choose one over the other, I would be gaining 40% of my awareness of my world around me.

If we could choose between being deaf or being blind, lifestyle and how we live our lives will dictate which we would rather have. Playing volley ball with a team on the beach, driving down Pacific Coast Highway and being mesmorized by the sights of the ocean, the sunset and the boats, you can do being deaf. On the contrary, playing a musical instrument, listening to the radio, hearing a gentle flow of water in a creek, listening to the birds sing in the morning or at dusk are things you can do being blind. Granted, variations of these situations, you can be blind and play altered volley ball and some deaf can play instruments through vibrations, but these are unique cases. Many more blind are involved with HAM radio than deaf. Yes, there are deaf who are involved with HAM radio, but it is limited. Many blind individuals have gravitated to HAM radio as a hobby. .

I see that many of those with a hearing loss use Helen Keller's statement to make it seem that being deaf is worse than being blind, but they have never experienced a vision loss. So this is an assumption. Is being blind really easier? I had a few experiences with a hearing loss group that was extremely isolating. I felt because they could see much better, they heard better. They can see the facial expressions across the room when someone talked or read lips. For me, I had to read the live captioning, except it was hard for me to read the live captioning due to my spotty and limited vision. My eyes couldn't keep up fast enough with their conversations and I didn't have the back up of reading their faces. One of their discussions was coping with a hearing loss, missing out on conversations with other people. But when I talked about my vision loss in this respect, they looked at me as if we were talking about a different disability. They were completely clueless how my vision helps me HEAR! They took for granted how much their eyes fill in what they cannot hear.

When a person has both a vision and a hearing loss, trying to communicate within your environment, you cannot split deaf-blind. They are a unit disability. I see deaf-blindness as a disability all its own. If deaf-blind is a different disability from being hard-of-hearing, tehn being in that meeting with other folks who were hard-of-hearing only, then yes, I was talking a foriegn language to them, because being deaf-blind is different from only being hard-of-hearing. When it comes to isolation and communication, and the challenges you face, you cannot seperate deaf-blind. Having a vision loss is also isolating and you are faced with communication hurdles and barriers as well as a hearing loss. Put it together to make deaf-blind, you have a whole new set of issues that a hard-of-hearing person or a blind person doesn't experience. Deaf-blind is a unique disability that has issues with isolation and communication.

Hearing loss, vision loss and deaf-blind are literally three different disabilities. Unfortunately, the deaf-blind do not have many avenues for support other than deaf groups or blind groups. We struggle trying to fit into those groups for one reason or another. We can't see ASL that well, or can't hear the blind during their conversations in a group. For me, it was difficult to see the live captions. So these groups are only accessible to those who are for that particular disability. They claim they are "open" but that has not been my experience. Their inability to understand that having a vision loss really significantly makes communicaiton more challenging ws interesting. That they would have discussions how frustrated they would be with hearing people, just as much how I felt frustrated with them. They think hearing people need to be more open and understanding, but what about them? let's turn the tables to another disability, and they didn't understand themsevles.

The hearing loss world is complex. There are different groups within hearing loss. The later deafened group where the person became deaf later in life. There is the /hard-of-hearing group, where they have partial hearing. Then there is the culturally deaf (deaf community) group. The culturally deaf have their culture based around sign language.Then there are deaf individuals who never learned sign, but were born deaf. They a re not invovled with the deaf culture.

The deaf community is rich and they do not feel isolated from their world. Today there is captioned TV, text messaging, video phone and deaf cultured events that keep many deaf active in a rich social life. Unlike the later deafened adults, the culturally deaf feel very accepted and satisfied with their culture. They have a strong network of community. I started to learn sign and be apart of a deaf community when I was ten years old. Those who are later deafened have adjustments and challenges to make. They had a hearing life, communicating to the world by way of speech, and now it was taken away from them. They seem to not adjust as well and feel more isolated. Some adapt very well, others have their challenges.

To want to be deaf or want to be blind over the other is a preference. One isn't truly worse than the other, that is subjective and it is about the needs of each individual. I enjoy driving. I enjoy viewing and seeing our gorgeous National Parks and National Wildlife Refuges. I enjoy watching people's facial expressions, I love observing behavior in animals, I love watching a sunset. These are rich things in my life that I feel they are slipping away as my vision becomes worse. But today, I can still see natural beauty and can still at least drive in the day time. For that, I can say I'm blessed. I would prefer my vision over my hearing. But again, I don't have a choice, I have to deal with what I have and cherish what I have while I have it.

Read about others opinion what they would rather have, their vision or their hearing and they will give you their answer unique from someone else. This is becauuse it is a personal and individudal thing. It is subjective and a preference. It doesn't mean one is worse than the other, it is what it means to the person and how they live their lives. What makes their life rich. Some people are auditory learners and some are visual learners. You can't say one learning style is better than the other. It isn't, each person is an individual, and use what is best for them. So there is no answer what is worse or better to live with, it is just opinion and the person's individual choice what they would prefer.

Accommodation vs. Special Treatment

Twenty years ago, July 26th, 1990, the Americans with Disability Act was signed. Thirty Seven years ago, in 1973, the Rehabilitation Act was signed. Why do we even have to have laws to allow those with disabilities to get appropriate accommodations? Isn't it common sense?

It is sometimes amusing to see how different people respond to me. Some feel that I appropriately need accommodations. Other see it as a special treatment. What is an accommodation anyway? I don't mean the legal definition, but in the world and how people perceive it.

When something is on the top shelf and a very tall person gets an item for a petite young lady or an old grandma, this is accommodating them. It is not considered a special treatment. The tall person feels oblige to be able to help. But this isn't always true for a disabled person requesting an accommodation. Sometimes it is perceived as a burden or special treatment.

All I ever want is to be apart of a community. Some people scoff and say, "I treat everyone the same." What does that mean? That talking directly to me, slowing slightly so I can understand is special treatment?

What does it mean "I treat everyone the same!"? No one treats everyone the same. You do not treat your mother the same way you would your best friend. You do not treat your boy/girl friend the same as you would a four year old niece. You would even slightly be different to a four year old nephew. You even treat a stranger different from your spouse.

To communicate and connect to the people around us, we adjust. When we are in a professional setting, we act professional. When we go out to a social party, we will also act very different. We adjust talking to our grandma and switch to a different social interaction when we talk to our best buddies. This is accommodating the folks to fit in the appropriate niche. When we talk to someone where English is not their first language, we slow down our speech

We can't make the world equal and even for everyone. That is an impossibility. So how could anyone treat everyone the same? They can't, that is their way of saying they do not want to change themselves to accommodate someone they think is getting special treatment.

However, each human has a right to belong to a community and network. It can be challenging to balance accommodations where it doesn't become a burden or special treatment. Each person will have a different opinion. I have found some people willing to slow down their speech, articulate and be patient in explaining things carefully to me. On the other hand, I have had people short, rude and patronizing. I've had people understand I do not hear well, but loose patience and just do not want to "deal with me."

I find it interesting that the attention a disabled person gets can create resentment. It is perceived as special treatments and not an accommodation. They focus on the difference and the attention that they are not getting. Why do people compare an accommodation as attention they are not getting? Or treatment the disabled person doesn't deserve? This creates animosity. We can always brush it off and say that person needs to deal with it, but when you have to work with this person and depend on their help, it makes it much more difficult. They put the barriers to your community.

Many disabled individuals have stated, "I can deal with my disability and try to problem solve to get around it, but it is the people who put up the biggest barriers." This also has been my experience as well.

When appropriate accommodation occurs and the person is apart of the community, balance happens. Resentment is non-existence and the disabled person can contribute to others as well and feel whole. This is balance. This is community. Working together.

Partnered with a Hearing Dog

Since 1987, I have been partnered with a hearing dog. Before getting my dog, I was attending college and was concerned I couldn't hear the alarm in the dorms. The Resident Advisor assured me that they check every room during an alarm drill. I was thinking, they are not going to cross a fire to get to my room! They insist that they would. I always thought I heard too well for a hearing dog, but then, I couldn't hear important sounds like a fire alarm in the dorms. Then I realized, I really do need some kind of assistance. One term while talking to a sign language interpreter, she encouraged me to look into a program for a hearing dog. I did. I found that my hearing loss was acceptable enough to get a hearing dog. The program was unique in that it was set up like an obedience class where the instructor taught us how to train our own dogs. The class was 14 weeks.

This was the beginning of a great passion for hearing dogs. I became obsessed. Watson, a black and white Border Collie was my first. I never really had to tell him anything, he nearly read my mind! He alerted me for sounds for 8 years. Then cancer had spread through his body where life was no longer fun. I had to be put to sleep at 9 years old. Finding the successor dog was difficult. I evaluated about 25 dogs and trialed 10. This included trying a puppy where at 4 months of age, she had severe popping hip dysplasia. I didn't have the money for the expensive surgery and returned her to the breeder. The big programs won't tell you they have more than a 50% drop out or career change rate. So, finding the right dog is a bit challenging. People are either lucky or do not see that anything is wrong with their dog.

I did find Reid, who also became a part guide dog since I was legally blind in 1996. Unfortunately the stress got to him and he had to be removed from his duties. I decided to try a rare breed, a Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever. She was a beautiful and adorable little dog, however, she had her own ideas. She certainly was not a natural alerting dog, but could be conditioned to do tasks when the setting was right for her. She later became the family pet. Got along really well with my nieces. She also was my first dog to try Musical Canine Freestyle.

Following Rubi was Jewel, a Belgian Malinois. She did ok, but at age five, she was killed in a freak accident. Then Mickey, my fifth dog, came into my life.  He unfortunately developed a reactive bark towards knocking and people opening doors. His conditioning would work for a short while, then he would go back to hard wired instincts and genetics. I was distraught and frustrated having recently been through a number of dogs. Working full-time I couldn't raise another pup and take the chance the dog might not work. So I applied for a program dog. Then the wait.

I have recently tried going into public without a dog. Which I am really glad I did, because I didn't realize how much I depend on my dog to cue me into the world around me. Not only do I depend on their notification for sounds, but for walking as well. I also had a rude awaking how poorly I see inside buildings with poorly lit rooms and hallways by florescent lighting. Orientation is a bit more challenging. If there happens to be a window, the glare coming in is so harsh that it gives me a white out. In some hallways that are dark, I cannot see the person's face, feeling really nervous that they might try to say something and I will miss what they say. They will in turn think I'm rude or ignoring them if I don't respond appropriately.

Some people see me function "normal" that they wonder why do I need a hearing dog? I have hearing aids, why would I need a dog to help me hear? If I can see, why would I need assistance with orientation and seeing in some areas or at night? This is one of the most difficult situations to be in, being in-between. I'm not totally blind and not totally deaf. So if I'm not a total, why can I not benefit from assistance? Should I be deprived of an accommodation because I still have residual hearing and vision? How could anyone think that someone in-between would not need an accommodation?

Hearing aids are a great tool. But there are a lot of disadvantages as well. I do not wear mine 24 hours a day. Taking them off is like kicking off those high heels or taking off that annoying tie. There are just some frequencies that my hearing loss cannot be amplified loud enough for functioning or these high frequencies cannot be heard over the loud low frequencies I hear better.

A hearing dog expands my circle of awareness. This is done by a variety of tasks from the dog. I notice head turns, an ear flicker, and a look. These non-trained movements tell me all the sounds I might not hear. Something people with average hearing take for granted. A formal trained alert is a nose nudge and then the dog lead you to the sound. When I'm walking by myself on a walkway, my dog will look behind me. This is comforting that I am aware that someone is behind me without checking very 2 minutes to see what is around me. I can relax and walk forward like a normal person.

Being blind on my right side, I do not see or hear approaching cars to my right. My dog can look quickly to the right with a snap look. I quickly look to the right and see the on coming car. I have also had it where someone is standing on my right hand side and was not aware they were there, my dog will look where I will automatically look to see. Now I know there is someone standing there. It is an awkward feeling if someone has been standing there for a minute or so, and you were not aware they were there. Very awkward.

With a hearing dog, the plexi tube's thickness is now thinner, more sound can filtrate through, the cloudiness to see out is lessened as well. My world is a little more approachable and little less isolating. My life is richer. Without a dog, it is dull, where the senses have been deadened and numb, but the dog makes it fuller and I feel more alive. I'm more connected.

I now have an office job. Challenges all around. Very little in understanding deaf-blind, so I struggle. They have no idea how isolated I am, but with my hearing dog, I have a focus. A warm friend to get me through the day. My dog gives me independence to move about freely, to hear various alarms or someone calling behind me. My dog does so many things for me, but people see it as a perk, or how nice to have a dog at work. My dogs are much more than that, they are my accommodation, my freedom and my friend.

I have a new dog now, Divine. We have some ways to go before she is in full working mode. It takes time for a team to blend and work together. She gets the foundation training, now we are at work together, learning about each other. It is a partnership, a bond, a relationship. She is an extension of my body, like a wheelchair, cane, hearing aid, device all in a fur coat and walks with four legs. She is Divine, a yellow Labrador retriever taking her job very serious in helping me hear.

So where do I fit in-between?

Many people who meet me are completely unaware that I have a hearing and a vision loss. Some may notice one, but not the other. I had a neighbor of my parents who had known me for seven years and did not even know and was shocked when I told him. Looks are deceiving. Though I am not trying to hide my disability, just survive in a critical world.

How do I actually hear? Stating a percentage of a hearing loss does not give you the insight of a hearing loss. Neither does an audiogram, although it is a better picture than a percentage. Extremely low tones I start at a 30db (decibels) loss, extremely high frequencies I have about an 80db loss. 30db is just starting to be a moderate loss where 80db is definitely a severe loss. What does this mean? When dad yelled with his low voice, I heard. When mom yelled at her higher pitched voice, she thought I was ignoring her. I couldn't hear her. Low frequencies I have a moderate hearing loss, at high frequencies, I have a severe loss. Losses can be mild to profoundly deaf.

When I was a child, I loved music. I heard the low tones, but as the flute would get higher, it would get softer and as it went higher it would fade. At least for me it did. How I hear is like hearing bass all the time and the treble turned softer. When someone turns the bass on the radio, it is too much since it is double bass for me. If you wanted to balance the tones for me, you would have to turn the volume up for higher tones (treble) 50 times higher to even out the frequencies with the lower tone.

So what does this all mean in real life? What it means is when higher frequencies are taken out of the spectrum of hearing, you are not hearing a balanced tone. When listening to someone talk, you are not hearing a balanced speech. The higher frequencies enable a person to listen to someone in a balance manner when background noises occur. This means that someone with a high frequency hearing loss is going to have issues hearing someone sitting right in front of them, even though the noise is in the next room. Lower tones always compete and drown out the higher tones. So if someone is vacuuming in the next room and is a lower frequency than the person talking right in front of you. The person with the hearing loss is going to hear the vacuum cleaner better than the voice sitting three feet in front of them. You would think that hearing aids could compensate for this, but in fact, it makes it worse. Technology tries to balance the frequencies, but a loss is a loss. Artificial hearing can only do so much to make up for the damaged hairs in the cochlear in someone's ear. Damage hairs is a neurological loss, for which I have this type of loss.

It takes time to get use to hearing aids, I've been wearing hearing aids since I was in second grade. I have thirty eight years learning how to use hearing aids. The younger you are to learn how to adjust to hearing aids, the better. This is why you see so many people who have a hearing loss at a later age, not adjusting to hearing aids very well. They are a hard tool to adjust to and can be quite overwhelming.

So, what about the vision? How do I see? Since birth, my sight has been a fluctuating change. I started out legally blind, then with contacts improved to 20/30 in my right eye and 20/40 in my left. Then through a long history of surgeries, one cataract at age 13 and three retina detachments that lead to total blindness in my right eye at age 17. My vision in my left eye stayed 20/40 for years until a cataract developed in that eye and I went legally blind. Due to being a high risk, doctors said to wait as long as you could before having the surgery. I was legally blind for one and a half years. I feared that I was only going to see as well as my last cataract surgery. It left me with barely reading regular print. The biggest fear was will history repeat itself and will I be blind for the rest of my life? The fear was immense.

After going to 10 different opinions, I opt for the surgery. My sight was restored to 20/50. I felt so blessed. Especially to be able to drive again. For 9 years my eye did very well, until something very strange happened. Some extreme light sensitivity that everything was extremely bright. This happened April of 2006. For one and a half months I could not drive or keep my eyes open. Through many doctors and specialists we never found out what happened and it finally went away. In the meantime, my right eye, with no vision, started to build pressure. The pain was so tense I couldn't sleep at night. In July of 2007, I had the eye removed. My other eye still started to deteriorate where it got harder to see at night. By the end of 2007, my vision in my left eye has dropped to about 20/60 on good days and 20/70 on bad days. DMV informed me that I could only drive before sunset and after sunrise. No more night driving. Most people think that isn't that big of an issue. Have it taken away and you will realize how much you do depend on your night driving.

Having only one eye to see, I have monocular vision. This means I have no depth perception. Moving objects are a challenge. When driving, I notice the two dimensional space of the end of my hood to the bumper of the car in front of me getting shorter. This is how I tell they are stopped, along with brake lights. This is how I judge when putting my own brakes on to slow down or stop.

My eye also has a lot of deterioration in the retina, which causes floaters. They are like floating ribbons in the sky, sometimes floating right in my center of vision. This is challenging when trying to read, because I have to look away, then look back about every other sentence when reading regular print. I also have graininess as objects are not as smooth as they use to be. This also means recognition of faces is also more difficult and nearly impossible with a window that disrupts the even flow of light, bad lighting, shaded areas, etc. Even the subtle expressions or facial cues are difficult to detect at an average distance. I must get up close to a person, where for some, this is invading personal space. All I can do is smile.

My physical eye itself is 30% larger than the average person. Then take a retina and stretch it over that space. It is like taking a picture and stretching it over that area, the picture becomes a bit distorted. Because my eye has been large all my life, I have adjusted to seeing this way as normal, but to anyone else it would most likely look freaky. My eye ball not only is larger, but elongated as well. Harder for light to travel into my eye and hit the back of the retina. This is why I have light issues and adjusting to dark areas. There isn't enough light to hit way back to the retina in areas that are not well lit. On the contrast, areas that are too well lit is too intense and hard for me to see. Even unlit hallways are difficult and I certainly do not see faces passing through these dark areas. People assume I know who they are. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't.

So what happens when you put my vision and my hearing together? A constant strain of trying to communicate with people. Think of a patchy television screen with lousy speakers that are hard to hear the speech. After awhile, you get tired of trying to "fight" the TV and give up. This is my daily life, day in and day out.

Some poeple will argue that I have assistive technology. I'm grateful for this equipment, but nothing will ever replace the eyes or the ears. This is all artificial.

connecting to the world

There are people who get Ph.D.s in social interactions in humans. It is complex. We also have cultural rules in social status and social interaction. Some people are masters at figuring out how to function in their environment and be successful key people in a community.

We get our early lessons as a young child by learning from our parents and siblings. Then we go to school to learn the social structure and politics on the school yard. Each niche slightly different from the other. Our interactions with one another is predominately by visual cues and further communication is done by speech and auditory means. How does one learn the complexities of social communication when they have a lack of vision and hearing? How do they compensate and learn the realities of politics? I don't mean government, I mean social interaction politics. What about all the incidental events that occur that are non-existence to a person with a hearing and vision loss, but blatantly obvious to the person with average hearing and vision?

Countless times I have had people with average hearing and vision look me at like, "It's so obvious! Why don't you get it?" and treat me as naive, remedial or just not with it. All I need is a small cue in. Just bring something to my attention like if I wasn't there and didn't witness the event.

I have been blessed to be around people in the past that would cue me in on the little things. It is like someone turning on the light switch in a partly lit room where you can't see everything. Cueing makes my world just a tad larger and fulfilled. These kind people have allowed me to live my life as if I'm not trapped behind the Plexi Glass feeling isolated from my world. It isn't babying or remedializing the situation, it is just cuing in.

As I reflect back on my life, there has been people who have made a big difference. Just their little acts and understanding made my life so rich. I then wasn't an outside weirdo. They have no idea that little difference makes. Those who detest me, or see me as a burden or remedial effort, I am more isolated. They make my world so small and isolated. They make me feel handicapped. Trapped. Of course my logical brain can always say, it is their problem, but they are the ones getting the social interactions and acceptance in their environment, while I'm shoved aside and rejected. I am the one kept at a distance. I don't want to be your friend, I just want to be treated as an equal, is that so hard? When you have to be in a situation like this daily, it gets old. If it is just two or three people, you can deal with it as long as the main system supports you. But when your main system keeps you at a distance, it is rather ostracizing.

I don't know if being deaf-blind makes you more sensitive. I am aware that when my vision drops, my sense of smell becomes much more keen and overwhelming. My other senses have to kick in to compensate. I often wonder if my sixth sense is much stronger as well. Some people have said they believe that I'm more aware of the more unusual or unseen than most. I know that I'm sensitive, but not so much emotionally as just that I tend to feel auras much more strongly. That too can be overwhelming. If someone is really happy, I really feel it. If someone is not having a good day, I really feel it. My sixth sense picks this up since my visual and auditory cues are limited. So my body instinctively kicks in another avenue to connect to my world. I see people in different avenues and ways than the average person. I notice different things, feel different things, see different things and hear different things than the average person. Due to this difference, people can't relate to me, nor can I relate to them. I don't know what they see or hear and they don't know what I feel, see and hear in other avenues. It is like being on a different frequency on the radio and listening to a different station. Different music. Different beat.

The sensitivity bit is a challenge. I cannot turn it off. Just like someone taking their fingernails down a chalk board, how do you shut that out? To do that, you have to shut out all sounds. Just as I feel people's moods, it is hard to shut it out unless I shut out the world completely.

When people look at me and face me, I feel their aura, when they are turned from me, even where I just see the side of their body, it is like they are shut off from me. It is like they are saying go away, i don't want you here anymore. Although people who can hear, this is normal, for me, all my connections to the person have been cut off.

My connection to the world is also ever changing. I have a few tools that help me connect to my world. One tool are my hearing aids. They are the biggest help in communicating with people, but just as they are a wonderful tool, they have a lot of cons associated with them. Most older adults just won't wear hearing aids when they need them. Hearing aids are really difficult to adjust because it is artificial hearing. Sounds are intensely overwhelming. When someone is talking in the background, you cannot understand the person right in front of you. That background "noise" intensely interferes. This is not a hearing aid issue, this is a loss of certain frequency. Have you ever noticed how AM is harder to hear and understand than FM radio? FM is broader and has more frequencies to balance the sound, where AM has a narrow band, leaving out a wide spectrum of frequencies. As you try to turn up the volume (like hearing aids) it just becomes more distorted and hurts your ears. However, digital hearing aids are programmed to boost frequencies higher in the area with more loss, but even this is perfected and technology has a long way to go in this area. It is like being back in the 1950's as far as our current technology on computers, phones etc.. It is nearly impossible for any hearing aid to match a hearing loss. It can only be a broad guesstimate.

Another tool to connect to my world is my hearing dog. Those glances and ear turns tell me the incidental sounds that are occurring around me. It makes my life richer and apart of the environment. Without my hearing dog, things are such that you feel your depth just got smaller, your area of awareness is tighter. You look harder, turn your head more, glance back more and still are not completely aware of what is going on around you. Life turns dull like a head cold.

Hearing dogs are trained to alert you to specific sounds, but after being with their partner for a year, the dog learns how to move with your body, that they almost become one with you. Another tool to connect to your world.

My biggest challenge is how to connect to people who judge, label and assume. I do not know how to break into their social circle. I don't mean a friend circle, but the real world, like in the workplace. I realize that most people have problems with the political structure in the workplace. It's down right nasty, always needing to watch your back. I am at such a disadvantage that I have no clue what they need to know about me, but they put the burden on me to tell them what I need. Communication is 50/50, just because I am "different" than most people, doesn't mean the burden is on me.

Other people I have worked with, were gracious enough to see my limits in connecting to the work community. They did just a little cue ins, that made me aware and less "weird." They accepted me because they were open, not judgemental and also did not assume. They included me in their community. They weren't arrogant. They were secure enough in themselves to reach out to me and once they did, they realized it wasn't all that big of a deal or burden. We then had a 50/50 relationship. I learned about them and I was able to fill in for them when they needed. This is the 50/50 win-win situation.

In my life, I have found people either get it or don't. This isn't about what people think they get or not get. But people who can flow with you, are the ones to get it. It is how they perceive the world around them. How they notice things, how they are use to working with a diverse group of people. Them changing to meet people's needs is so automatic for them, it is no effort at all. It is flowing.

However, the ones who do not want to connect, really make the situation difficult. These people are unsure, but they expect me to fill in the gaps for them. They expect me to ask the questions, but it is them who have the problem. What a burden. It is exhausting because I cannot second guess. I have so many other things to overcome, please give me just a little break? How can I break into your social structure since I lack the ability to connect to the incidental social structure that is so accessible to you and not me? Instead, they judge that I'm not up to par, or remedial. They patronize me, demean me and get frustrated with me. For every time they are frustrated with me, they need to realized, I'm just as frustrated with them. Every person I meet is a challenge, all they have to worry about is me. Imagine if every person you are in contact with is a challenge and struggle. Where it takes time to learn someone. It is crucial for me to get to know a person so I can communicate with them easier. Some people get taken aback that I try to get to know them, it is about survival for me, not trying to be nosey.

I sense when people are tense around me and I know it. They do not know me well enough to know where I am coming from and judge. They keep me at arms length, out of my depth of awareness, they are out of reach to me. I then feel awkward in how to connect to them. I'm uneasy, sometimes trying too hard, but I want to scream "Help me out here, I am trying to connect here! Why is that such an issue with you?"

Attending the American Association of the Deaf-Blind conference in 1996, I learned how a variety of people communicated. It was like going to a world conference with 50 different languages spoken. Who would think that English could be communicated and translated in so many ways. Space to the average person is invaded, but to a deaf-blind person it is connection and community. Isolation is gone. Social interaction is high. I'm human again.

Learning social niches is challenging. Some people are gifted, but this is an area that is very difficult for me in the hearing-sighted world. What to say, what not to say, not to seem naive, or unaware to be subject to judgements and ridicule. Even well intentioned people are not aware that their actions maybe demeaning towards me. How do I handle this when I desperately want some high intelligent interactions? But people treat me remedial. How can I break this barrier? I set my hopes that every day, I try to find a new way to break in. That hope is what keeps me going.

Don't always take the label people give you

I was born in the mid 60's, the end of the period for baby boomers. My father was in WWII, therefore I do fit the definition of a baby boomer. At least a young baby boomer. When I was about two or three years old, my mother knew that something had been wrong with my vision. I would bring magazines close to my face to read.The doctor said wait to see if this continue, and it did. My mother took me to Jules Stein Eye Institute at UCLA in the late 60's. Amazing that I still remember this experience.

I remember being in a dark cold building. The inside was with decor of an old hospital, although the Institute was establishedin 1966. It was probably either 1968 or 1969 when I went there. I remember they had put me in a stainless steel baby crib. Lights were dim. I can still remember me squirming while the nurses tried to put ointment in my eye. One nurse holding me down as i wiggled; scolding me for squirming. They were being rough with me. When the exam was over, they finally connected me with my mother. Felt like I was away from my mother for a whole day. To a small child of 3 or 4 years old, that is enternity.

I was very happy to see my mom, but she was cold, emotionless like she wasn't my mother. Nor recognizing I needed consoling since I had been with those mean people pinning me down and scolding me. I didn't understand what was wrong with my mother and why she was stiff. What's wrong with mom? This person is not acting like my mother, who is she? What happened to my mommy? We got up to leave and I remember coming outside of the building and going down steps to the old white 1960's type station wagon.

It wasn't until years later I found out why my mom was cold. I found out that the doctor told my mother that I had a severe vision impairment. That I wasn't going to be a productive citizen, never will drive, and that I was most likely with some retardation. This was the first visit my mom has ever had with a specialized professional. Imagine how you would feel with that kind of news. This is back in the day when there was no Internet to search for answers. Doctors knew it all back then. Their word was considered almost gospel.This knews stunned  and shocked my mother.

I'm so thankful to have parents that disregarded the doctor. They moved onto other doctors and tried to raise me as normal as they could. I wanted a pony and got one at age seven since my older sister had horses. Only fair right? I played with all kinds of animals, ran around, got dirty, fell etc. It wasn't until I went to pre-school that a nun realized I was not responding to my name. She knew that I wasn't the type of kid that blew people off. My mother had my hearing tested and found out I did have a hearing loss. The nun encouraged my mother to place me in an appropriate school. The nun, Sister Ann Marie, felt that "regular" school wouldn't be the best for me. I would get lost in the shuffle. We found Francis Blend, a public school for the blind in Los Angeles. Every morning I rode the bus for 1 1/2 hours to get to school. We lived north west of Los Angeles outside the city limits, but still in Los Angeles County. Fortunately, it only took an hour to get back home from school since mid-afternoon there isn't a lot of traffic like in the morning.

Most of the kids who attended Francis Blend were legally blind with about two in my class that were totally blind. I did not learn Braille, but all my books were large print. It was unique being with kids that were like me or me like them. I attended until 6th grade, the highest grade level at the school. 

In middle school I was mainstreamed, but had great difficulty. Even in high school, learning was a huge challenge. I was shuffled through high school since the teachers literally didn't know how to handle a student who couldn't hear most of the lesson, nor could not see the front board very well. They too thought I wouldn't amount to anything successful in life. They predetermined that I would only have a low level job. I graduated from high school with poor English writing skills, not being able to complete a sentence, or able to write a decent paragraph. My math skills were remedial and I only had Earth Science for a science class. I didn't even have biology. My GPA was 2.2 and my combined SAT score was 580. The SAT has two parts and my combined score I received was a score someone could get on one part. Of course teachers and itinerary teachers labeled me as remedial. The structure in high school was extremely poor and wasn't accessible to me. I was labeled. 

I had very high expectations of myself and really wanted to attend college, and I did. I went to California State University, Northridge: National Center on Deafness. The largest mainstreaming public University for the deaf in the nation at the time. I again was with my peers and felt I belong, unlike high school where I felt like an outcast and remedial.

I've always felt comfortable with my blind friends and deaf friends. I only had one deaf-blind friend from camp. I could relate to my hearing issues and I could relate to my vision challenges, but I did not know how to relate to being with a combined vision and hearing disability.

I had lost my vision in my right eye at age, I compensated for my monocular vision, no depth perception and low vision quite well. I fooled a lot of people by functioning normal. At middle school and high school I was teased, looked at as if I was a "weirdo" and just never really felt that comfortable in middle or high school. Not to disregard a very small number of friends I had in middle school and high school, but many people at my school were just rather immature. When I graduated from high school, I just couldn't wait to go to college. At California State Northridge, I felt I was in a community of people who were more like me and me like them. My signing skills improved.

I took an English class within the National Center on Deafness' program. In one semester, a deaf professor and a deaf tutor both brought my skills up to college level. Just one semester. It wasn't that I was remedial, my high school just didn't know what to do. My deaf professor taught the class in American Sign Language. In the right situation and the right environment, I do excel well. it is ignorance of people who put the barriers to my learning. When information is not accessible to me, I don't do that well.

I later transferred to California Polytechnic University, Pomona where I received my Bachelor's degree in Zoology and minor in chemistry. To reflect that I am a person who did very poorly in high school, only had earth science, had only high school Freshmen level math and couldn't write a complete sentence, I have overcome incredible odds. Afterwards I continued and received an A. S. degree in Animal Health Technology (Los Angeles Pierce Junior College), a Post Baccalaureate certificate in Natural Resource Interpretation (Humboldt State University) and a teaching credential for seventh grade life science and high school biology (California State University, Northridge.)

I'm far from remedial. But it is obvious in some narrow and poor environments, I will not do well. People seem to be the biggest barriers to my success, not my disability. They quickly judge that because I can't learn, hear, see or do, that I'm remedial, and do not think that an accommodation can solve the issue. People can't think out of the box, and label instead of problem solve. Fortunately for me, I had the chance to attend college, and proved to the Ophthalmologist at Jules Stien Eye Institute, they were completely wrong. Don't let people put labels on you.