Experiencing the world being in-between the sighted/hearing world and the deaf-blind world. Living in a partial world. This blog is a rough draft. I periodically edit each entry, it could have changed since you last read an entry. Please feel free to make a comment. Also, share your journey how you got to the blog. ==================================================================== Please read the oldest entry first, archives to the right with oldest (first entry) at the top.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Saturday, October 06, 2012
Everyone is different, so why does my different seems more different?
I always thought, the more I describe my disability, the more people would understand and I would be more accepted as an equal. I'm starting to believe the opposite is happening, where people either ostracize or avoid me more. That too much focus is being put on the differences I have from someone else. For some, it creates a bit of a hostility in a way that a disabled person is "special." There is a lot of confusion between special treatment and an accommodation. However, when someone misunderstands or has a difficult time communicating with me, I tend to want to explain. But some people resent this.
I have seen the attitudes of, "What makes you think you are so special?" As if a person with a limitation is asking for more than just trying to fit into this world and be an equal person. I realize a disabled person will sometimes get more attention. We are different, we work different, we process or approach things different. For some people, that is such a cool thing, for others it turns on their jealousy button. But here, the disability becomes a focus, where is the person? They get lost under the disability. Being admired for the disability or being resented. What happened to just accepting the person as a person? Can't they just get to know the human and then make the judgement?
A week or so ago, a mother posted on a list that she was requested to write a letter about her son's vision and hearing loss to the school. One person said, well ask if every other parent can write about their child and give that to you. I thought that was a great point. I later chimed in and said, "You have the power to write what ever you want. You don't have to write about the disability. You can write about how your child wants to be accepted and be apart of the school community just like anyone else."
Throughout the years getting to know classmates in college and co-workers in internships and jobs I have had, I found one thing to be consistent. The people who better accommodated me weren't the ones I explained to, but the ones who were open to meet me and get to know me as a human being. The ones I had issues with where the ones that were judgmental, closed minded and didn't try to get to know me.
I'm starting to understand that me explaining how to talk to me or work around me, I need to work with decent people. It is about attitude because with a person who is open with the right attitude, they will get it just by being around me. If something seems rude about me, don't take it as rude, but take it as perhaps something is going on. Do more investigation or learn, don't label. Think about a person who has a vision and hearing limitation. The two things we need to converse with another person. Think how they need to function in their environment. If you have average hearing and vision, there is no way you can even know how any person with a hearing and vision loss functions. In fact, each person that is deaf-blind varies. So what you learn with one person, is going to be completely different with another. So how can you assume you know?
The most challenging thing to try and intermingle or be apart of a social world is to try and get people to slightly change their behaviors so you can be apart of that social crowd or network. Some people think nothing of it to accommodate, while others think it to be either special treatment or a chore. They walk away and just do not want to deal with it. Honestly, it isn't that difficult. I grew up doing this with friends who had vision or hearing worse than mine.
All anyone wants to do is be accepted and apart of the community. Those with a hearing loss tend to have a slightly different culture than hearing people. Their way of communication is misunderstood and labeling leads to distancing themselves from the person, rather trying to understand the person. Be open, don't worry about doing anything wrong, connect with the person to learn about the individual. You might surprise yourself. You may learn something.
I have seen the attitudes of, "What makes you think you are so special?" As if a person with a limitation is asking for more than just trying to fit into this world and be an equal person. I realize a disabled person will sometimes get more attention. We are different, we work different, we process or approach things different. For some people, that is such a cool thing, for others it turns on their jealousy button. But here, the disability becomes a focus, where is the person? They get lost under the disability. Being admired for the disability or being resented. What happened to just accepting the person as a person? Can't they just get to know the human and then make the judgement?
A week or so ago, a mother posted on a list that she was requested to write a letter about her son's vision and hearing loss to the school. One person said, well ask if every other parent can write about their child and give that to you. I thought that was a great point. I later chimed in and said, "You have the power to write what ever you want. You don't have to write about the disability. You can write about how your child wants to be accepted and be apart of the school community just like anyone else."
Throughout the years getting to know classmates in college and co-workers in internships and jobs I have had, I found one thing to be consistent. The people who better accommodated me weren't the ones I explained to, but the ones who were open to meet me and get to know me as a human being. The ones I had issues with where the ones that were judgmental, closed minded and didn't try to get to know me.
I'm starting to understand that me explaining how to talk to me or work around me, I need to work with decent people. It is about attitude because with a person who is open with the right attitude, they will get it just by being around me. If something seems rude about me, don't take it as rude, but take it as perhaps something is going on. Do more investigation or learn, don't label. Think about a person who has a vision and hearing limitation. The two things we need to converse with another person. Think how they need to function in their environment. If you have average hearing and vision, there is no way you can even know how any person with a hearing and vision loss functions. In fact, each person that is deaf-blind varies. So what you learn with one person, is going to be completely different with another. So how can you assume you know?
The most challenging thing to try and intermingle or be apart of a social world is to try and get people to slightly change their behaviors so you can be apart of that social crowd or network. Some people think nothing of it to accommodate, while others think it to be either special treatment or a chore. They walk away and just do not want to deal with it. Honestly, it isn't that difficult. I grew up doing this with friends who had vision or hearing worse than mine.
All anyone wants to do is be accepted and apart of the community. Those with a hearing loss tend to have a slightly different culture than hearing people. Their way of communication is misunderstood and labeling leads to distancing themselves from the person, rather trying to understand the person. Be open, don't worry about doing anything wrong, connect with the person to learn about the individual. You might surprise yourself. You may learn something.
Segregation
Racial segregation has always been an intense hot topic. It brings up a lot of emotions and years of outcry related to mistreatment. As a result of segregation, there are many programs that tried to address that humans are individuals and diversity is a good thing. We have a rich society when we can include all races and cultural backgrounds in a community. In some areas, this has been successful, in other areas not so successful.
Tolerance is the ability for people to accept differences.
When I was getting my teaching credential, I took a class called Equity and Diversity. There were specific cultural and racial communities we would cover in the class. Me being Caucasian of a mixture of European decent, there was not a category covered with my ancestry. In fact, in some cases those with white European decent are sometimes resented. The instructor for this course was Hispanic. Each week we had an assignment on various questions related to how we have been treated through our lives and how people perceived us related to our ethnic identity. The questions were designed for people to share their experiences in being segregated or discriminated. As the teacher read my answers to the homework assignment, a month into the class, she came up to me and said, "you really have experienced discrimination." When I first came to class, she saw me as a white female. How could I ever understand segregation and discrimination because I was white? Perhaps I could be discriminated against for being female, but that isn't like the extreme segregation or demeaning acts that many of those who are of culture or of a different race face constantly. The teacher realized that the disabled also face segregation and discrimination. That we are challenged of our intelligence, and how we fit and function in society. When someone can't function like most people, like not hear as well, not see, not walk or have other physical challenges, the judgement can interfere with blending normally in society.
This teacher learned that there is another group that experiences discrimination. Another group that goes through the hardships, and the judgements that put barriers in the way of their success to move forward. The perception of the disabled is filled with assumptions, that people have no idea what it really means to have a disability. That we are protected by law, and the perception that there are several programs for the disabled, but yet, in real life, people keep their distance physically and socially. The disabled are still discriminated against, attitudes still exist and even resentment.
How do you explain segregation as far as trying to be treated normally and when you are not treated equal? Segregation is a separation of you and the rest of the world. You do not have access to the norm of society.
Some major movements in the educational system has been inclusion of students. If they have a disability, they must by law be included with the rest of the students. Segregating disabled students is not preferable anymore and the push to integrate a disabled child in regular public school is now mandatory. I was segregated in school as a child. I went to an elementary school for the blind. I found them easy to communicate and mingle, but once I was included in regular public school, I had huge challenges. It is a toss up, what was better? To always be around disabled kids or mixing with non-disabled kids? I grew up not liking "normal" kids. It was that constant battle of not fitting in. It just seemed no matter how I communicated, it was always wrong. I couldn't fit in. I felt segregated, no matter how hard I tried. It always seemed I was patronized, never taken seriously and never feeling that I was highly intelligent. I was the dummy kid in school. My grades reflected it too. 2.3 GPA when I graduated from high school.
I was the freak, I was teased, put down, laughed at if I tried something. In an audition for a play, I got smirks and laughter throughout my audition. When I wore my uniform for Tall Flags (like drill team) I would get barked at by guys. Told how ugly I looked. This was common throughout middle and high school. Kids would sing to me "retarded." So even though I was included in the regular public school system, I felt more segregated than being with my blind peers. Its a catch 22, I deserve normal development and being infiltrated with the mass of kids, but yet the "normal" kids were pretty cruel to me.
I did have one friend in high school. It was really nice to have her, but I always still felt insecure that maybe I was company and not a friend. But she did want to take classes with me and we ate lunch together. Maybe I was just too skeptical of those who were not disabled since I had been around more disabled kids than "normal" kids.
Segregation happens at any age. Even in the workplace. You would think that people have grown up as adults, but yet, they are judgemental because you don't fit the mold of, "normal."
Did I need early training in how to handle this? Early training in helping me know how to exchange and communicate more effectively. Being with a hearing and vision loss, I do miss communication cues, what is chic and what is considered a freak or geek. I was the freak in high school and although many people were nice to me, it was still distant. I wasn't the first for people to think to have me come to their house, go to a movie or just hang.
One person I thought was a friend, I realized later in life was just doing her Christian duty to be nice to me. I didn't see the signs when I was younger, but now as an adult I can look back and she just tolerated me. Of course, She was a beauty pageant contestant. I was the ugly dork. Not that is my self esteem coming out, but how people really did look at me. There are two ways to look at this, I thought I was cool, but then there is also how people treat you. You can't change other people, but we still need to not feel segregated either.
I often wondered why did people push away from me? My funny shaped body? Me being slightly geeky looking? Not looking like a complete feminine girl? The way I talk? The way I communicate? All these years I still do not know. But when I was a park ranger, it seemed that melted away. One or two people would be looking at me like I was weird, but most other people listened to me talk. I got such positive feedback and vibes from people all those horrible years of feeling rejected by society in general melted away.
Segregation is a dirty word. It's like I scream, "Why do you treat me like a freak! Leave me alone to cry"
When operant conditioning trainers who focus on positive reinforcement, I so much hate it when they use ignoring tactics on people. Karen Pryor popularized this concept in her book, "Don't Shoot the Dog." I think it is cruel and a power that people need to be extremely careful in using. I also think it is mean when people ignore so they can control you. I realize we all have annoying behaviors we do, but is this intolerance, so the person uses the power to ignore behavior to change them? How arrogant? Lack of understanding is where the person is coming from and down right rude. I know it touches a huge segregation and ostracization button with me. I do not support this practice at all. It takes a very skilled person to know how to handle the behaviors they do not like and cherish what the person is, instead of focus on what they are doing wrong so you can ignore them. I think this is a form of being a bully and passively aggressively controlling people. There are better kinder ways to change people's behaviors that are good for the person and not ostracizing them. I say let's be compassionate and work with people, instead of trying to be intolerant.
How do we teach tolerance? How do we teach people acceptance? How do we pulverize segregation? My past three years I have been so in pain and hurt. I lost my kindness and who I am. People around me seeing the negative in me and not seeing my beauty. I feel that I have been stomped on my ostracization, stomped on my misunderstandings and no openness to hear me. I am an open person, but no one is seeing me and understanding me. They a re too busy standing their ground. Another form of segregation. I need to be a park ranger again when I felt so accepted. I didn't feel ostracized or segregated. Life wasn't perfect in this environment. Some co-workers did patronize me, looked down to me, didn't think I had intelligent thought, I was ostracized and segregated from the group, but at a much lower incident. So I don't expect a perfect unsegregated world. I just need enough to keep going. I think that's what most people need. Lots of cold people in the world. You are different, they segregate you.
Tolerance is the ability for people to accept differences.
When I was getting my teaching credential, I took a class called Equity and Diversity. There were specific cultural and racial communities we would cover in the class. Me being Caucasian of a mixture of European decent, there was not a category covered with my ancestry. In fact, in some cases those with white European decent are sometimes resented. The instructor for this course was Hispanic. Each week we had an assignment on various questions related to how we have been treated through our lives and how people perceived us related to our ethnic identity. The questions were designed for people to share their experiences in being segregated or discriminated. As the teacher read my answers to the homework assignment, a month into the class, she came up to me and said, "you really have experienced discrimination." When I first came to class, she saw me as a white female. How could I ever understand segregation and discrimination because I was white? Perhaps I could be discriminated against for being female, but that isn't like the extreme segregation or demeaning acts that many of those who are of culture or of a different race face constantly. The teacher realized that the disabled also face segregation and discrimination. That we are challenged of our intelligence, and how we fit and function in society. When someone can't function like most people, like not hear as well, not see, not walk or have other physical challenges, the judgement can interfere with blending normally in society.
This teacher learned that there is another group that experiences discrimination. Another group that goes through the hardships, and the judgements that put barriers in the way of their success to move forward. The perception of the disabled is filled with assumptions, that people have no idea what it really means to have a disability. That we are protected by law, and the perception that there are several programs for the disabled, but yet, in real life, people keep their distance physically and socially. The disabled are still discriminated against, attitudes still exist and even resentment.
How do you explain segregation as far as trying to be treated normally and when you are not treated equal? Segregation is a separation of you and the rest of the world. You do not have access to the norm of society.
Some major movements in the educational system has been inclusion of students. If they have a disability, they must by law be included with the rest of the students. Segregating disabled students is not preferable anymore and the push to integrate a disabled child in regular public school is now mandatory. I was segregated in school as a child. I went to an elementary school for the blind. I found them easy to communicate and mingle, but once I was included in regular public school, I had huge challenges. It is a toss up, what was better? To always be around disabled kids or mixing with non-disabled kids? I grew up not liking "normal" kids. It was that constant battle of not fitting in. It just seemed no matter how I communicated, it was always wrong. I couldn't fit in. I felt segregated, no matter how hard I tried. It always seemed I was patronized, never taken seriously and never feeling that I was highly intelligent. I was the dummy kid in school. My grades reflected it too. 2.3 GPA when I graduated from high school.
I was the freak, I was teased, put down, laughed at if I tried something. In an audition for a play, I got smirks and laughter throughout my audition. When I wore my uniform for Tall Flags (like drill team) I would get barked at by guys. Told how ugly I looked. This was common throughout middle and high school. Kids would sing to me "retarded." So even though I was included in the regular public school system, I felt more segregated than being with my blind peers. Its a catch 22, I deserve normal development and being infiltrated with the mass of kids, but yet the "normal" kids were pretty cruel to me.
I did have one friend in high school. It was really nice to have her, but I always still felt insecure that maybe I was company and not a friend. But she did want to take classes with me and we ate lunch together. Maybe I was just too skeptical of those who were not disabled since I had been around more disabled kids than "normal" kids.
Segregation happens at any age. Even in the workplace. You would think that people have grown up as adults, but yet, they are judgemental because you don't fit the mold of, "normal."
Did I need early training in how to handle this? Early training in helping me know how to exchange and communicate more effectively. Being with a hearing and vision loss, I do miss communication cues, what is chic and what is considered a freak or geek. I was the freak in high school and although many people were nice to me, it was still distant. I wasn't the first for people to think to have me come to their house, go to a movie or just hang.
One person I thought was a friend, I realized later in life was just doing her Christian duty to be nice to me. I didn't see the signs when I was younger, but now as an adult I can look back and she just tolerated me. Of course, She was a beauty pageant contestant. I was the ugly dork. Not that is my self esteem coming out, but how people really did look at me. There are two ways to look at this, I thought I was cool, but then there is also how people treat you. You can't change other people, but we still need to not feel segregated either.
I often wondered why did people push away from me? My funny shaped body? Me being slightly geeky looking? Not looking like a complete feminine girl? The way I talk? The way I communicate? All these years I still do not know. But when I was a park ranger, it seemed that melted away. One or two people would be looking at me like I was weird, but most other people listened to me talk. I got such positive feedback and vibes from people all those horrible years of feeling rejected by society in general melted away.
Segregation is a dirty word. It's like I scream, "Why do you treat me like a freak! Leave me alone to cry"
When operant conditioning trainers who focus on positive reinforcement, I so much hate it when they use ignoring tactics on people. Karen Pryor popularized this concept in her book, "Don't Shoot the Dog." I think it is cruel and a power that people need to be extremely careful in using. I also think it is mean when people ignore so they can control you. I realize we all have annoying behaviors we do, but is this intolerance, so the person uses the power to ignore behavior to change them? How arrogant? Lack of understanding is where the person is coming from and down right rude. I know it touches a huge segregation and ostracization button with me. I do not support this practice at all. It takes a very skilled person to know how to handle the behaviors they do not like and cherish what the person is, instead of focus on what they are doing wrong so you can ignore them. I think this is a form of being a bully and passively aggressively controlling people. There are better kinder ways to change people's behaviors that are good for the person and not ostracizing them. I say let's be compassionate and work with people, instead of trying to be intolerant.
How do we teach tolerance? How do we teach people acceptance? How do we pulverize segregation? My past three years I have been so in pain and hurt. I lost my kindness and who I am. People around me seeing the negative in me and not seeing my beauty. I feel that I have been stomped on my ostracization, stomped on my misunderstandings and no openness to hear me. I am an open person, but no one is seeing me and understanding me. They a re too busy standing their ground. Another form of segregation. I need to be a park ranger again when I felt so accepted. I didn't feel ostracized or segregated. Life wasn't perfect in this environment. Some co-workers did patronize me, looked down to me, didn't think I had intelligent thought, I was ostracized and segregated from the group, but at a much lower incident. So I don't expect a perfect unsegregated world. I just need enough to keep going. I think that's what most people need. Lots of cold people in the world. You are different, they segregate you.
Ultimate Passion
A person can have a number of passions in their life, but sometimes you have to manage which ones you can fit into your life.
I had a blow today. It really hit me by surprise. I had been wanting to switch from a very toxic work situation. I just wanted to work with people who treat me as a living human, not someone they regard as beneath any possibility of having any value. Of course they would never admit this to management, they have to keep an image. The attitudes towards me have just gotten tiresome. I thought there would be some hope to change from a particular work group, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. To be in this toxic situation I have used more brain power than imagine to figure this all out. But you can't change attitudes or insecurities of other people.
Add in a false appearance that they are inclusive and helpful, just enough show for management, and you have a toxic work situation. The life and times of being in-between deaf-blind. Let's just keep the disabled quiet. We can bully them around, they don't matter, they are soft, they can't do anything to us. How can I be heard when they ignore my voice. Just bully me, keep me from anything that will allow me to grow. Just ignore her, the cries will go away. They don't care that my blood pressure has been up, my health has deteriorated, I have lost a lot of my memory from stress, I have no energy to enjoy life anymore. All stress from people who are toxic. Of course I could beat myself up, for letting such people have that much affect on me. But the amount of vision and hearing loss I have, enables them to keep information, interaction and support away.
But today after finding out the news I couldn't change to a team that might treat me like I exist and that I really am a team member, I just cried. I cried so much my head hurt. I had to take aspirin and try to calm myself down. I did get some work accomplished, trying to focus on the task to not hurt my body from crying. My logic wasn't getting through to my emotions. The emotional pain of all these years is taking a toll on me. No one cares, they care to push me away.
How can I survive in a workplace that no one will sit next to me at a Christmas work party? One year I just brushed it off. Another year, the same thing. Heads stretching to see if there were other seats. They look back, see the two empty seats on either side, you could see them do a slight nervous pace, then they decided to pull chairs from another area and sat at the end of the table. I can brush it off once, but when it happened again, I realized no one in my department is gracious enough or open enough to even get to know me.
Even when we have our small parties, the food is placed in our conference room that echos and has florescent lighting that is so difficult to see under, t he flicker of light and spottiness, I can't see facial expressions. I can't tell if people are looking at me, or if they are looking at someone else while talking. When I sit down, if a person sits next to me, their body is shifted away from me, talking to the person on the other side of them. No one talks to me. This is not an exaggeration, people really do not speak with me or even want to engage in conversation. I try to follow eyes to see anyone looking at me that I could try to strike up a conversation, but always always turn away from me. Strong signal of avoidance.
The irony of it all, is, they think I'm rude, but they have shaped this behavior in me. Who wants to be around people who will not sit next to you, engage in a conversation and turn from you? I just now get the food in the conference room and go back to my office. That awkwardness they emit.
I am a human being just like anyone else. Out of the 25 places I have worked in my life, this one makes me feel more handicapped than any place I have ever been. Past employments were not perfect and there were issues. But now is the worst segregation I have ever felt in my life. No one cares, I"m just suppose to accept it.
So trying to be changed on a team that I could feel like someone would talk with me was a huge hope. For two weeks, my stress level went down. I had hope. Maybe it was naive hope. But getting the news today that I would not be switched, crushed me. I can only try to rise above and say, it did happen for a good reason. Having cried all day, having a not-so-good exchange with my supervisor because I was more upset than I thought, I kept trying to find a good lesson in this.
Coming home from work, I started to wonder. I need to see the positive in all of this. I need this experience to really work for me. Life was at a turning point since I had a few other blows earlier in the week happen too. It was time to think of solutions, reassess my life and start remembering what has been good in my life.
I then started to think of the passions in my life. What makes me the happiest. Being with my dogs is one of them. But my teaching dog classes has slipped. Why? What happened to that passion. It has gone stale. I don't have the magic I once had to pull people in and make them feel good about how they are doing with their dogs. Wait a minute, having taught in a classroom and been a public speaker, I can handle this, but something was dull. Something happened.
I thought deeper, what has made me the most happy? It was the time I was a park ranger. The six years I was a park ranger, it was like I found myself. Nothing has exhilarated me more than being a park ranger. Once I got over my fear of speaking in front of people, got over my fright, insecurities and worked on perfecting my skill, together in 2006 when I was at Zion National Park. It took me six years to go through this transformation. To become the person I liked. It was like I really did find myself. Getting there was no easy and I had ups and downs with health issues, then at the end of my season at Zion, it started to come together. Like I have landed.
But just as it took me 6 years to get there, it has been 6 years since I have done a park program. Slowly and surely my skills were deteriorating. Being in the negative toxic environment I am in now, I was loosing a little bit of my happiness every day. They were chipping away at me trying to mold me into their toxic ways, but I have resisted, trying to some how hang onto myself. Keep that special part of me hidden so they can't erode it away. The more I resisted, the more they tried to shape me. The fight. Oh please don't take the happy Christy away. But I fool them, I'm just being as outward, but I still have the integrity buried in there to be me. They just don't know it. I am worn, I am tired, I am burned out, but deep in there Christy is alive, just waiting for the right time to bring her out.
It came to me, that I need to go to one of the local natural areas and start volunteering. It will save me. I need to start doing programs again to develop that sense of wonder again. See those eyes light up, see the wonder and the excitement. How I miss that so much. It is so addicting. Infectious to the point it becomes me and I can spread that positive energy to others. People forget I have a disability, they don't care because the passion and excitement is so strong, that pours out. They get involved with the nature around them and it doesn't matter if I'm different. Maybe a hard core person will be judgmental, but most will get in with the program and loose themselves in the fun. How I need to nourish myself with that again. Even if it means to cut back on my dog activities, I need to find that light again for others, and myself. When I can, I will be able to do great dog classes again. I need to let Christy know it is safe to come out again.
I had a blow today. It really hit me by surprise. I had been wanting to switch from a very toxic work situation. I just wanted to work with people who treat me as a living human, not someone they regard as beneath any possibility of having any value. Of course they would never admit this to management, they have to keep an image. The attitudes towards me have just gotten tiresome. I thought there would be some hope to change from a particular work group, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. To be in this toxic situation I have used more brain power than imagine to figure this all out. But you can't change attitudes or insecurities of other people.
Add in a false appearance that they are inclusive and helpful, just enough show for management, and you have a toxic work situation. The life and times of being in-between deaf-blind. Let's just keep the disabled quiet. We can bully them around, they don't matter, they are soft, they can't do anything to us. How can I be heard when they ignore my voice. Just bully me, keep me from anything that will allow me to grow. Just ignore her, the cries will go away. They don't care that my blood pressure has been up, my health has deteriorated, I have lost a lot of my memory from stress, I have no energy to enjoy life anymore. All stress from people who are toxic. Of course I could beat myself up, for letting such people have that much affect on me. But the amount of vision and hearing loss I have, enables them to keep information, interaction and support away.
But today after finding out the news I couldn't change to a team that might treat me like I exist and that I really am a team member, I just cried. I cried so much my head hurt. I had to take aspirin and try to calm myself down. I did get some work accomplished, trying to focus on the task to not hurt my body from crying. My logic wasn't getting through to my emotions. The emotional pain of all these years is taking a toll on me. No one cares, they care to push me away.
How can I survive in a workplace that no one will sit next to me at a Christmas work party? One year I just brushed it off. Another year, the same thing. Heads stretching to see if there were other seats. They look back, see the two empty seats on either side, you could see them do a slight nervous pace, then they decided to pull chairs from another area and sat at the end of the table. I can brush it off once, but when it happened again, I realized no one in my department is gracious enough or open enough to even get to know me.
Even when we have our small parties, the food is placed in our conference room that echos and has florescent lighting that is so difficult to see under, t he flicker of light and spottiness, I can't see facial expressions. I can't tell if people are looking at me, or if they are looking at someone else while talking. When I sit down, if a person sits next to me, their body is shifted away from me, talking to the person on the other side of them. No one talks to me. This is not an exaggeration, people really do not speak with me or even want to engage in conversation. I try to follow eyes to see anyone looking at me that I could try to strike up a conversation, but always always turn away from me. Strong signal of avoidance.
The irony of it all, is, they think I'm rude, but they have shaped this behavior in me. Who wants to be around people who will not sit next to you, engage in a conversation and turn from you? I just now get the food in the conference room and go back to my office. That awkwardness they emit.
I am a human being just like anyone else. Out of the 25 places I have worked in my life, this one makes me feel more handicapped than any place I have ever been. Past employments were not perfect and there were issues. But now is the worst segregation I have ever felt in my life. No one cares, I"m just suppose to accept it.
So trying to be changed on a team that I could feel like someone would talk with me was a huge hope. For two weeks, my stress level went down. I had hope. Maybe it was naive hope. But getting the news today that I would not be switched, crushed me. I can only try to rise above and say, it did happen for a good reason. Having cried all day, having a not-so-good exchange with my supervisor because I was more upset than I thought, I kept trying to find a good lesson in this.
Coming home from work, I started to wonder. I need to see the positive in all of this. I need this experience to really work for me. Life was at a turning point since I had a few other blows earlier in the week happen too. It was time to think of solutions, reassess my life and start remembering what has been good in my life.
I then started to think of the passions in my life. What makes me the happiest. Being with my dogs is one of them. But my teaching dog classes has slipped. Why? What happened to that passion. It has gone stale. I don't have the magic I once had to pull people in and make them feel good about how they are doing with their dogs. Wait a minute, having taught in a classroom and been a public speaker, I can handle this, but something was dull. Something happened.
I thought deeper, what has made me the most happy? It was the time I was a park ranger. The six years I was a park ranger, it was like I found myself. Nothing has exhilarated me more than being a park ranger. Once I got over my fear of speaking in front of people, got over my fright, insecurities and worked on perfecting my skill, together in 2006 when I was at Zion National Park. It took me six years to go through this transformation. To become the person I liked. It was like I really did find myself. Getting there was no easy and I had ups and downs with health issues, then at the end of my season at Zion, it started to come together. Like I have landed.
But just as it took me 6 years to get there, it has been 6 years since I have done a park program. Slowly and surely my skills were deteriorating. Being in the negative toxic environment I am in now, I was loosing a little bit of my happiness every day. They were chipping away at me trying to mold me into their toxic ways, but I have resisted, trying to some how hang onto myself. Keep that special part of me hidden so they can't erode it away. The more I resisted, the more they tried to shape me. The fight. Oh please don't take the happy Christy away. But I fool them, I'm just being as outward, but I still have the integrity buried in there to be me. They just don't know it. I am worn, I am tired, I am burned out, but deep in there Christy is alive, just waiting for the right time to bring her out.
It came to me, that I need to go to one of the local natural areas and start volunteering. It will save me. I need to start doing programs again to develop that sense of wonder again. See those eyes light up, see the wonder and the excitement. How I miss that so much. It is so addicting. Infectious to the point it becomes me and I can spread that positive energy to others. People forget I have a disability, they don't care because the passion and excitement is so strong, that pours out. They get involved with the nature around them and it doesn't matter if I'm different. Maybe a hard core person will be judgmental, but most will get in with the program and loose themselves in the fun. How I need to nourish myself with that again. Even if it means to cut back on my dog activities, I need to find that light again for others, and myself. When I can, I will be able to do great dog classes again. I need to let Christy know it is safe to come out again.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
What does Equality mean anyway?
Last night I was reading a blog of a friend I haven't seen for about 25 years. He had gotten a Master's degree and worked with partially sighted and blind youth. He then found a passion of sailing and was the first visually impaired person to sail around the world.
Mutual friends of ours I remember saying back when I was in college, "Oh most of our friends are hiding by getting jobs with the blind." They knew of very few people breaking out in the "real" world. But what does this really mean?
So back to my young adult friend who has sailed around the world, he gave his philosophy on disability on his web site and his last sentence read:
"I have come to believe whole heartedly that I would rather be a proud and skilled visually impaired person, rather than a person fighting to prove their equality to a “normal” or non disabled person. " ---Scott Duncan
I haven't been able to shake this statement since I have read it.
I then saw another quote today by an old Greek Philosopher:
"We can't control the impressions others form about us, and the effort to do so, only debases our character." -Epictetus
I really do believe that I have been working too hard to "prove" myself all my life. I have worked so hard in the "normal" or "non-disabled" world that I have severely crashed. My current job has pushed me due to their attitudes and narrow minded thinking towards me. I pushed harder to prove myself, but didn't realize I was defeating myself more and more. Spinning my wheels. Running myself into the ground. My health took a toll. I was so focused on succeeding, I wasn't paying attention to waht I was doing to myself. Ah yes, life in the "normal" world.
Being trained in education I always thought that education would prevail. That it was just how I presented myself. How well I could sell my ideas. WIth some people I did win over, which solidified my belief, if I just work harder and be patient. But, what I have found, I ran myself into the ground trying to "win" over. However, I almost got there so I kept working harder and harder and harder and then my body and myself couldn't take it anymore. I fell hard. For the past several months I have been trying to figure out what happened.
Between Scott's quote and Epictetus, what on earth was I doing? What am I doing? Even though it may appear that Scott is "hiding" but he also is saying, why work so hard in a stupid world when you can be accepted and succeed in another? There was a time I played on my disability, I then felt it was wrong, so I pushed myself to succeed as a human. To realize it might serve me well to going back being "disabled." The thing is I "am" disabled. I have to realize that I can't jsut function like anyone else. I need accommodations every where I go. I must adapt myself. Either it being my vision or my hearing. So why am I trying to hard to be "normal" when I'm not in thenorm of society? I am different and no shame in that just because others are weirded out about it. OR at first they are accepting, and then get weirded out when they get to know you and how "different" you function.
Thinking about getting a master's degree in Conflict Resolution, how can we resolve the inequality of the disabled and the normal population? We CAN'T!! For someone to feel superior over someone else is a very STRONG ingrained biological thing. That's what we are fighting against.
As of late, connecting up with my friends I grew up with is rather powerful and ovewhelming. Some are living off of SSI. The percentage of people who are is mind boggling. That the struggle for equality was jsut too hard for them. I understand this because here my health is in jeopardy because of it. I'm stuck in this In-Between Deafl-Blind being highly functionable, but having obstacles to over come in a highly competitive world.
After reading the two quotes above in the past 12 hours, so many ways I need to readjust my thinking and for the future. I often wonder if conflict resolution degree is really what I want now. OR would that give me more insight in what I need. I don't know, I haven't been accepted to the program yet.
But the word equality still rings in my head. Such a powerful world, not only an issue with the disabled community, but ethnic, racial and a variety of other groups as well.
What does equality mean to me? Just being accepted as a human being that cognitively can be treated as a peer. Something so simple, but lacking in my life. As Epictetus says above, I think the harder I try to "fit in" society, the more I am probably defeating myelf and debasing my character. Do I find a place where at least a hand people accept me as a peer? Or do I imerge myself in the deaf-blind, blind or deaf world? Maybe the disabled world? There are no easy answers. As time goes on, I don't think bigotry will every go away. People will have their engrained genetic coding to feel superior and try to prove themselves over others and to see people not like them as outside objects from their acceptance circle. In most situations, I have to accept that I can't change that. There is never an end to a cure, other than surround myself around people who accept me as a peer.
My fight to conquer life is down right now. I've fought all my life to over come, but I feel beatened to submission. I will lay low now, but when I can get out of my certain situation, I will come back. I have that fire to break barriers down, but it needs rest now and does not need to waste energy on something it can't control. Bide my time. I'm going through quite a leanring experience now. Now is time to learn, not fight.
Mutual friends of ours I remember saying back when I was in college, "Oh most of our friends are hiding by getting jobs with the blind." They knew of very few people breaking out in the "real" world. But what does this really mean?
So back to my young adult friend who has sailed around the world, he gave his philosophy on disability on his web site and his last sentence read:
"I have come to believe whole heartedly that I would rather be a proud and skilled visually impaired person, rather than a person fighting to prove their equality to a “normal” or non disabled person. " ---Scott Duncan
I haven't been able to shake this statement since I have read it.
I then saw another quote today by an old Greek Philosopher:
"We can't control the impressions others form about us, and the effort to do so, only debases our character." -Epictetus
I really do believe that I have been working too hard to "prove" myself all my life. I have worked so hard in the "normal" or "non-disabled" world that I have severely crashed. My current job has pushed me due to their attitudes and narrow minded thinking towards me. I pushed harder to prove myself, but didn't realize I was defeating myself more and more. Spinning my wheels. Running myself into the ground. My health took a toll. I was so focused on succeeding, I wasn't paying attention to waht I was doing to myself. Ah yes, life in the "normal" world.
Being trained in education I always thought that education would prevail. That it was just how I presented myself. How well I could sell my ideas. WIth some people I did win over, which solidified my belief, if I just work harder and be patient. But, what I have found, I ran myself into the ground trying to "win" over. However, I almost got there so I kept working harder and harder and harder and then my body and myself couldn't take it anymore. I fell hard. For the past several months I have been trying to figure out what happened.
Between Scott's quote and Epictetus, what on earth was I doing? What am I doing? Even though it may appear that Scott is "hiding" but he also is saying, why work so hard in a stupid world when you can be accepted and succeed in another? There was a time I played on my disability, I then felt it was wrong, so I pushed myself to succeed as a human. To realize it might serve me well to going back being "disabled." The thing is I "am" disabled. I have to realize that I can't jsut function like anyone else. I need accommodations every where I go. I must adapt myself. Either it being my vision or my hearing. So why am I trying to hard to be "normal" when I'm not in thenorm of society? I am different and no shame in that just because others are weirded out about it. OR at first they are accepting, and then get weirded out when they get to know you and how "different" you function.
Thinking about getting a master's degree in Conflict Resolution, how can we resolve the inequality of the disabled and the normal population? We CAN'T!! For someone to feel superior over someone else is a very STRONG ingrained biological thing. That's what we are fighting against.
As of late, connecting up with my friends I grew up with is rather powerful and ovewhelming. Some are living off of SSI. The percentage of people who are is mind boggling. That the struggle for equality was jsut too hard for them. I understand this because here my health is in jeopardy because of it. I'm stuck in this In-Between Deafl-Blind being highly functionable, but having obstacles to over come in a highly competitive world.
After reading the two quotes above in the past 12 hours, so many ways I need to readjust my thinking and for the future. I often wonder if conflict resolution degree is really what I want now. OR would that give me more insight in what I need. I don't know, I haven't been accepted to the program yet.
But the word equality still rings in my head. Such a powerful world, not only an issue with the disabled community, but ethnic, racial and a variety of other groups as well.
What does equality mean to me? Just being accepted as a human being that cognitively can be treated as a peer. Something so simple, but lacking in my life. As Epictetus says above, I think the harder I try to "fit in" society, the more I am probably defeating myelf and debasing my character. Do I find a place where at least a hand people accept me as a peer? Or do I imerge myself in the deaf-blind, blind or deaf world? Maybe the disabled world? There are no easy answers. As time goes on, I don't think bigotry will every go away. People will have their engrained genetic coding to feel superior and try to prove themselves over others and to see people not like them as outside objects from their acceptance circle. In most situations, I have to accept that I can't change that. There is never an end to a cure, other than surround myself around people who accept me as a peer.
My fight to conquer life is down right now. I've fought all my life to over come, but I feel beatened to submission. I will lay low now, but when I can get out of my certain situation, I will come back. I have that fire to break barriers down, but it needs rest now and does not need to waste energy on something it can't control. Bide my time. I'm going through quite a leanring experience now. Now is time to learn, not fight.
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Self discovery how to ease conflict
Nearly everyone is eccentric to some extent or another. No one has ever truly experienced what it is like to see or experience the world from within another human being. The only things we go by is how we see the world. Which can be a real limiting perspective when trying to understand someone else. Life as a whole, some people are better at understanding experiences of another than others. But everyone from their eccentric view, thinks they "get it." So what is "getting it?" This is an obscure concept because the definition varies. Is it someone who can become the top executive and show monetary success in the billions? That they "got it" to manipulate a system to make billions? Or is it the humble teacher that scrapes by financially, but mentors many children with open understanding? Or is it someone that just knows how to socially blend, easing conflict in their daily lives, and understanding where a variety of people come from in their thinking? Is it someone who gets it that has travelled the world, seen many places, seen many cultures? Or someone who has lived the hard life on the streets? All varied experiences, but chances are, would they understand the other? I have even witnessed people 30 years in a profession with people, and still be absolutely clueless. So what is "getting it?" I think the real answer is, there is no one that "gets it" completely. It is complicated. There are some people who you can talk to and you know they understand, but get them on another topic, and they will be rather limited. Then you have people who are very socially in touch. That can appear they "get it." They have learned this skill for social survival.
We are shaped by our world, but we are also shaped how we are able to interact with our world. The more you are like the people around you, the better you fit in. It goes hand in hand, if you fit in, a person will develop better social skills. When socially accepted and having positive interactions, the more self assured a person tends to be in their life. A few negative experiences is not going to phase them because they have the assurance of social acceptance. If you know how to play the social game correctly, you can be a little different where people may see this as cool. Sometimes different attracts people, but for some people, being different in the wrong way will get lead to ostracization..A social outcast. They could be seen as as weird instead of cool. To define what is a cool difference and what is a weird yucky difference is subjective. It varies from geographical region, country, city, niche and social group. Some may think a person with autism might be very strange, while another group may just understand.
A person who grows up in their community that is "different" can feel rather out casted and could develop low social skills. They didn't learn the trials and errors in how to interact socially. On the other hand, this same person could have been in a different place, state, country or community and be very well socially accepted. developing good social skills. Learning what works to be included in their social network. When someone is not socially accepted in their community, their work, their local club, their church etc. it can be rather painful. This is different from being alone or someone wanting to be alone. This is about someone who is trying to belong in their regular social activities. This is also not someone seeking popularity, but someone just seeking normal interaction and acceptance.
Most humans need social interaction. The type of social interaction will vary depending on their personality. Sometimes they are successful in meeting their niche, sometimes not. Sometimes they need to learn how to cope and adjust themselves to meet the demands of the social norm of their immediate area. Social isolation is very painful. Doesn't matter if this is trying to belong in a community, or trying to develop a work community at your workplace. Studies have shown people need social interaction in their personal lives and at work. Bad interactions create conflict and stress. Again, I must emphasize that being alone or wanting to be alone is different from social isolation.
Ostracization isn't a big deal if a person has a support system. Everyone needs and thrives on a support system. That enables them to laugh off critical or demeaning people. But when you do not have a support system, and they experience ostracism, judgement and demeaning attitudes, it does take a toll on the person. I find that most people who say, "don't let that bother you" to a person who is being ostracized, their judgement comes from them having a support system, while the person being ostracized may not have the same support system. How does a person with little support and being ostracized cope? Rise above?
When a person experiences continual ostracism their attitude, mood and their aura can change. This can emit a negative energy to the people that are ostracizing them. Some people see hesitancy like chickens see blood, They peck at it in a frenzy. Negative thoughts emit more negative energy than people realize. People still respond or react to their sixth sense without knowing it. We are programmed to react to something different for survival. But it is our higher brains that is able to sort out what is really happening. People who can sort this out are supportive and "get it" about the other person. But people who do not get why this person may be hesitant, and react in a negative way, both sides have a conflict issue going on.
When two people need to work together, they are in a situation where they must interact. Being too different for someone can be rather overwhelming. They start blaming the other person for having a bad personality or pick at some critical thing to justify the other is wrong rather than they can't accept the other person's differences. This can really create a tense working situation for both persons. Each person's negative energy radiates out causing more conflicts.
When people stay in their eccentric world, and blame others around them for not being what they perceive as normal, they are out of touch with their environment. They do not take change well and cannot adjust easily to change or people who are different from them. On the flip side, what is the different person emitting to others? Perhaps hesitancy that is being read as lack of confidence? The lack of confidence maybe furthest from their mind as they try to sort out their environment, but it could be the signal the other person is picking up.
With being focused on ourselves, the world of pop psychology and inspirational quotes state ignore people and be yourself. There will be statements like, "be your own person," "don't pay attention to others who are negative," "who cares what others think about you." When you block out the feedback from your world, you are not taking in social information. Granted a few small number of people might be clueless and respond with judgements that are incorrect. They may see something that really isn't the real you and pass judgement. However, Ignoring people also doesn't enable you to better connect with people either. It teaches you to ignore and become more eccentric in your own little world. Creating more social isolation, and more "ignoring" behaviors by you. Your social circle will be cold or distance. Having repetitive negative experience with the people around you can have an impact on you.
People who have the negative feelings towards you may not realize you know they do. They may think their fasade of being nice and polite is working. So when you respond to them in a negative way, they then have the ability to turn things around and start criticizing you more in how rude you are, or you don't present yourself well, or something. They always seem to know how to turn the focus off their wrong doing to put you down even more. Self preservation on their part. They can criticize you, and then get away with it by blaming you. This is why self awareness of yourself and being in-tuned with the people around you is crucial. This doesn't mean you have to believe what people say or take to heart what they say, just be aware of what is happening to make appropriate well thought out changes for yourself if needed.
What do you need to change within yourself to be more accepting? Can you change? Have you done everything possible where no matter what you do, the chickens are going to be able to hunt that blood down and find it? When you have a sensory loss, changing is rather difficult. A person with a dual sensory loss has lost some of their ability to communicate in the fashion that most people communicate. This can be just enough difference that it scares people. It could be unconscious too. A person who has communication challenges may look weird or act weird. Like a strange voice, wandering eyes, or tend to act overly happy. Acting over happy is a double edge sword. It is like people expect it, but then, look at the person as a child. Then are patronized. So how does one change themselves to give an image of acceptance in their communicate? You see a lot of sayings about being yourself. Again, the double standard. Try to stay true to yourself, but change just enough to be socially accepted. Some change is good and should happen, some change shouldn't have to happen. How does one decrease the conflict? This is all subjective because we should be able to stay ourselves, but if we have a social quirk, like not knowing how to act appropriately in a certain setting, that needs to change if we want to be respected in our community. If a person doesn't care to be respected, then that is their choice to continue their unaccepted behavior.
But trying to find a balance where there is conflict. It isn't about whose fault or who should change, it is about taking your exterior self, and becoming more presentable, without changing your inside of who you are as a person. If you are in a work setting, put on your acting for work environment.
Here is another conflict and twist though, many pop self-help books say we need to be proud of ourselves, don't care what others say, be yourself and empower within. Keep a positive attitude and all that stuff. I agree, but I do think we need to have a little awareness of what is happening around us too. This is an innate survival characteristic that we should not ignore. We will always have to constantly change ourselves depending on our environment. If we do not keep i- tuned to this, our skills will not be polished and we will have many awkward and isolating moments. This isn't about conforming to the establishment, it is playing a game of survival. You can stay true to you, it is the exterior you present for survival.
I believe that pop psychology has been one of the many reasons our culture has become more entitled, more about me, and more about my life, rather than focusing on community. We do need to develop our confidence, but we need to also take in the whole environment as well. No man is an island. I find today people less accepting, less gracious and more judgemental than ever before. It is a wonder that anyone gets along with anyone. How can we exist in a community, especially when not every average person is the TV or Motion picture image.
I completely understand we must focus on ourselves and not take to heart what people think, or not let it crush our egos, but to completely block out the world around us without listening, is doing everyone a disservice.There needs to be balance. Listening, I don't mean hearing words, but being aware of the message and understanding what is really happening is what I think is lacking today.
Sometimes we humans take offense of words, that cloud our vision of what message that is being conveyed. If we are offended, most say, oh ignore it. Who cares what they think, you are better than them and who do they think they are? So we ignore, but probably what we are ignoring is a misinterpretation of what we thought was being said. Due to having a vision and hearing loss, I see this often. Misunderstandings happen all the time due to the nature of my disability. I cannot see or hear the world like sighted and hearing people do. I can't understand how they function. Just as they can't understand why I do the "weird" things I do to function in my world.
It seems today people misunderstand and take more offense than really hearing the message. They hear the words and put their interpretation to it, their eccentric values, their eccentric ideas to the words instead of listening to the person and what they are trying to communicate. When we ignore a message, we are not being in-tuned to our environment, we are being rather eccentric in our own little world. Connections being lost. How can anyone learn proper communication skills if everyone is shutting everyone out if they don't like what they say? Shutting down everything. Effective communication can be a challenge and very few people have mastered it very well.
If you were born with a disability, most grow up going into a system of adoration if you are highly functional. You end up in "special" programs. You are told you are "special" because of your disability. People think they have to do extra things or come up to you to say how awesome you are to survive with a disability. You get attention because of the disability. You are different. You are unique, you are a focus. With this focus two things can happen, you are either adored in a patronizing way, or people are jealous of you for getting the focus and attention. Either way, you are not in the norm. How can you develop normal social skills if the environment around you is treating you different? They accept your less social skills, in fact, your less social skills could even be reinforced. When you become an adult, the tools you learned to survive no longer work in the mainstream society or the real world. You feel out casted, people look at you as a freak. What happened? This overly happy upbeat personality worked before, but now it went the other way. Now I"m looked at as a goofy weirdo.
One of my favorite old Sit Com is "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" with Will Smith. The energy he had, the timing and the humor. I could watch re-runs over and over. I then saw his movie "Hitch." In the movie, he is an older man. Will has grown up. In the movie he was the collected distinguished man, I thought he did well. But when he started doing some of his yelling scenes or acting that seemed like the "Old Will" it just seemed out of place. I almost wanted to tell Will, "You have grown up now, you better start using a technique that suits you now since you are not a kid anymore." But it is understandable, he was using what always worked and got billions of dollars before. But something changed, he is no longer a skinny kid or young man, but an established man of society. His over expressions that got him world wide acclaim just doesn't fit anymore. It seems awkward and weird. I think this happens to many people as they mature in society. We have to constantly change to the surroundings and who we are now. This doesn't mean to get rid of your young inner self, it is about knowing the right place, time and setting. It is about the role we must play at a particular time. Most actors do not loose themselves in a person or character once they are no longer playing that character. They still need to be themselves, but they can also act when needed.
I have also needed to learn this. I have been highly reinforced for being giddy, over expressive and happy. But now that I am getting older, nearly reaching 50, it is coming across rather repulsive. It is time to change. However, I can't go the other way and be quiet, docile or stoic. That is not me. I need to have some expression and personality. Going the other direction will also be socially unaccepted as well. You can't go from one extreme to another. You need to find the balance. You can still be you, just adjust your presentation style. It is just behavior of what you show to other people, not your core. If you want an environment of being giddy, or silly, volunteer for something to do with children. Have an outlet for your creativity.
Think of it this way, you go to a formal ballroom affair, you are going to dress formal and be formal, you go to a sports event, you are going to have a completely different demeanor and your outward expressions are acceptable if they are outrageous. When you are at work, there is a certain way you must present yourself. IN most situations, you cannot talk to your co-workers like you can your friends. You are also different with your parents, than a 4 year old child. All different sides of you, different presentations, but you are still being you.
Being aware of our environment, without getting your feelings crushed is listening. You can't listen if something offends or upsets you. To better fit in your world, you must listen to it first, then you can decide if the information is warranted, or not.
When you hear or listen to feedback, all they are commenting on or reacting to are your outside actions. I'm talking from live inter-personal communication, not text, e-mail or chat exchanges.
We should treat any communication as information, instead of thinking of it as something that goes deep to our egos. We should be open to the fact we might not be presenting well. We should be open to the fact that we might not be communicating well. The other side should also remember that it is just an exterior communication we are showing. Some people just get upset by another's attitude, but do not realize this is exterior, do we really know what that person is thinking? Granted, some actions and behaviors should not be tolerated, this is where good listening and awareness of your environment comes into play.
So how do we take people and their actions towards us? What do we do if we feel negative vibes from them? Do we blow them off and stick our noses in the air, or try to ease the tension? Could that make it worse? Sometimes even our good intentions can come across wrong. Where is the balance here? Sometimes it just takes many tries to find that connection. Sometimes nothing you can do will work. It is self defeating to let this get to you. Easy to say, very hard to take emotionally.
I had one person come up to me and just go off on me. I don't think she realized how she was coming across to me. Because it was in the middle of a work department, I told her we should discuss this some where else. She kept going off and accusing me of things that were not true. I felt her doing this out in the open where others could hear, really put me on the spot and made me feel really uncomfortable. She did not listen to what I said, but more took offense. All I said was we need to discuss this some place else. What happened was, she completely took what I said in an e-mail the wrong way. I was trying to give her information from the supervisor, in what he wanted to do with this project. However, she in turn, interpreted it as me trying to act as a supervisor. What? I was just conveying what the supervisor said, using his name saying this is what he wants. But in her hurried manner and only going off with her impression of the whole situation and not allowing me to say my side, the communication turned unpleasant.
About 4 hours later, After my shift was over and time to go home, I was getting in my car to go home. It was Friday and I was really tired. This co worker comes up to try and reconcile. Loud cargo trucks where driving around us and I couldn't hear. She never said sorry for going off on me, but instead she said she didn't have any "hard feelings against me." That she wasn't "mad at me." I backed off and said, "it is time to home." I was exhausted, didn't want to get into this conversation and I couldn't hear. I felt it was very presumptuous of her that this one way conversation of her reconciling put me in a difficult position. Both situations she was not open to listen to me or see where I was coming from on this issue. It was about her thinking she was reconciling and she being the better person to approach me. She thought I was being resistant and uncooperative. I never got a chance to say my side. Sadly, at the time, I was suffering from some dangerous medical situations that left me extremely fatigue. Having the energy to deal with this was very difficult for me and the best thing I could do at the time was retreat.
What happened is she was looking at the whole situation from her perspective and that her interpretations ruled her actions. She never once listened to what I had to say or even cared to pay attention to what was going on in the environment. She needed to take care of this matter and it was going to be on her terms. If I didn't react the way she wanted, then I was in the wrong. I felt sand blasted by both of her approaches that day. Being tired, I just didn't have the energy to play the super communicator. I wanted to go HOME!
I'm not saying my actions were perfect, but this is an example of how listening wasn't happening on either side. I felt sand blasted and attacked, which doesn't help my listening skills. I shouldn't take such actions so personally. She had some beef with me and was going to make sure I heard everything that was on her mind. She had no listening skills to see where I was coming from and took such offense of something she misunderstood.
Regardless of what happens on either end or what side you are on, listening skills are still valuable even if someone is going off on you. You learn a lot about the other person when you do. Learning how to deal with adversity is a very good skill. The first step is just to listen, listen to the message, don't take it as an attack. When we do take things as an attack, this emits something in us that is non-social. Non-approachable. Conflict rises. Listening, without taking it in as a personal attack, you can see that this person has some problems and issues. In a low voice, I could have said, hey, let's come into this conference room so we can have privacy to talk. Even though we could say she shouldn't have gone off on me, the thing is, sometimes we do need to be the one with the better skills to communicate. The goal, to decrease conflict. If at least one person doesn't know how to decrease the conflict, both sides will fail to communicate.
During communications, we do need to stop, take a deep breath and just listen. We really do need to be aware of our environment, in how people respond to us, but don't take it as Gospel, but as information. Take it as information to tweak our external actions, not to change our whole self. Its not to put us into submission, it is just information. Being open to this might make us more approachable, more socially savvy and more enjoyable. Unfortunately, this will take time to learn how to listen. When we are tired, not feeling well, stressed etc. it is very hard to do listen appropriately. We also need to take the time to shape ourselves to listen better. This takes practice and is a habitual change. So when you are not listening, this isn't a criticism fest time, it is assessing where you are, and moving forward. We are not perfect creatures and people who have better listening skills most likely just have more time practicing. It is about behavioral changes.
Just remember, we can still choose to be ourselves, just how we interact or react needs to undergo some little changes. s different. Some groups like loud, some do not. Some groups like stoic, while some groups want a little more life or personality out of a person. We can adjust as needed, but that doesn't really change us. How we interact with people is all about presentation, not who we are inside. This is not about pleasing others or following others, it is about connecting with different people. Those who seem to have many friends and many activities are those who can adjust to the situation and not conform to one way. This takes practice to adjust your outer social savvy skills. It is a skill, not who we are as a human being. The first step is to just start to listen, become more aware of your environment, become less reactive and think before you talk. Once this first step is practiced, then you can improve on listening skills and having fun in changing how you respond. Try something new. Sometimes you will never reach people, that's ok, either you can keep trying, take a break or more on if you can. But keep those listening skills open, you may really learn something unexpected.
We are shaped by our world, but we are also shaped how we are able to interact with our world. The more you are like the people around you, the better you fit in. It goes hand in hand, if you fit in, a person will develop better social skills. When socially accepted and having positive interactions, the more self assured a person tends to be in their life. A few negative experiences is not going to phase them because they have the assurance of social acceptance. If you know how to play the social game correctly, you can be a little different where people may see this as cool. Sometimes different attracts people, but for some people, being different in the wrong way will get lead to ostracization..A social outcast. They could be seen as as weird instead of cool. To define what is a cool difference and what is a weird yucky difference is subjective. It varies from geographical region, country, city, niche and social group. Some may think a person with autism might be very strange, while another group may just understand.
A person who grows up in their community that is "different" can feel rather out casted and could develop low social skills. They didn't learn the trials and errors in how to interact socially. On the other hand, this same person could have been in a different place, state, country or community and be very well socially accepted. developing good social skills. Learning what works to be included in their social network. When someone is not socially accepted in their community, their work, their local club, their church etc. it can be rather painful. This is different from being alone or someone wanting to be alone. This is about someone who is trying to belong in their regular social activities. This is also not someone seeking popularity, but someone just seeking normal interaction and acceptance.
Most humans need social interaction. The type of social interaction will vary depending on their personality. Sometimes they are successful in meeting their niche, sometimes not. Sometimes they need to learn how to cope and adjust themselves to meet the demands of the social norm of their immediate area. Social isolation is very painful. Doesn't matter if this is trying to belong in a community, or trying to develop a work community at your workplace. Studies have shown people need social interaction in their personal lives and at work. Bad interactions create conflict and stress. Again, I must emphasize that being alone or wanting to be alone is different from social isolation.
Ostracization isn't a big deal if a person has a support system. Everyone needs and thrives on a support system. That enables them to laugh off critical or demeaning people. But when you do not have a support system, and they experience ostracism, judgement and demeaning attitudes, it does take a toll on the person. I find that most people who say, "don't let that bother you" to a person who is being ostracized, their judgement comes from them having a support system, while the person being ostracized may not have the same support system. How does a person with little support and being ostracized cope? Rise above?
When a person experiences continual ostracism their attitude, mood and their aura can change. This can emit a negative energy to the people that are ostracizing them. Some people see hesitancy like chickens see blood, They peck at it in a frenzy. Negative thoughts emit more negative energy than people realize. People still respond or react to their sixth sense without knowing it. We are programmed to react to something different for survival. But it is our higher brains that is able to sort out what is really happening. People who can sort this out are supportive and "get it" about the other person. But people who do not get why this person may be hesitant, and react in a negative way, both sides have a conflict issue going on.
When two people need to work together, they are in a situation where they must interact. Being too different for someone can be rather overwhelming. They start blaming the other person for having a bad personality or pick at some critical thing to justify the other is wrong rather than they can't accept the other person's differences. This can really create a tense working situation for both persons. Each person's negative energy radiates out causing more conflicts.
When people stay in their eccentric world, and blame others around them for not being what they perceive as normal, they are out of touch with their environment. They do not take change well and cannot adjust easily to change or people who are different from them. On the flip side, what is the different person emitting to others? Perhaps hesitancy that is being read as lack of confidence? The lack of confidence maybe furthest from their mind as they try to sort out their environment, but it could be the signal the other person is picking up.
With being focused on ourselves, the world of pop psychology and inspirational quotes state ignore people and be yourself. There will be statements like, "be your own person," "don't pay attention to others who are negative," "who cares what others think about you." When you block out the feedback from your world, you are not taking in social information. Granted a few small number of people might be clueless and respond with judgements that are incorrect. They may see something that really isn't the real you and pass judgement. However, Ignoring people also doesn't enable you to better connect with people either. It teaches you to ignore and become more eccentric in your own little world. Creating more social isolation, and more "ignoring" behaviors by you. Your social circle will be cold or distance. Having repetitive negative experience with the people around you can have an impact on you.
People who have the negative feelings towards you may not realize you know they do. They may think their fasade of being nice and polite is working. So when you respond to them in a negative way, they then have the ability to turn things around and start criticizing you more in how rude you are, or you don't present yourself well, or something. They always seem to know how to turn the focus off their wrong doing to put you down even more. Self preservation on their part. They can criticize you, and then get away with it by blaming you. This is why self awareness of yourself and being in-tuned with the people around you is crucial. This doesn't mean you have to believe what people say or take to heart what they say, just be aware of what is happening to make appropriate well thought out changes for yourself if needed.
What do you need to change within yourself to be more accepting? Can you change? Have you done everything possible where no matter what you do, the chickens are going to be able to hunt that blood down and find it? When you have a sensory loss, changing is rather difficult. A person with a dual sensory loss has lost some of their ability to communicate in the fashion that most people communicate. This can be just enough difference that it scares people. It could be unconscious too. A person who has communication challenges may look weird or act weird. Like a strange voice, wandering eyes, or tend to act overly happy. Acting over happy is a double edge sword. It is like people expect it, but then, look at the person as a child. Then are patronized. So how does one change themselves to give an image of acceptance in their communicate? You see a lot of sayings about being yourself. Again, the double standard. Try to stay true to yourself, but change just enough to be socially accepted. Some change is good and should happen, some change shouldn't have to happen. How does one decrease the conflict? This is all subjective because we should be able to stay ourselves, but if we have a social quirk, like not knowing how to act appropriately in a certain setting, that needs to change if we want to be respected in our community. If a person doesn't care to be respected, then that is their choice to continue their unaccepted behavior.
But trying to find a balance where there is conflict. It isn't about whose fault or who should change, it is about taking your exterior self, and becoming more presentable, without changing your inside of who you are as a person. If you are in a work setting, put on your acting for work environment.
Here is another conflict and twist though, many pop self-help books say we need to be proud of ourselves, don't care what others say, be yourself and empower within. Keep a positive attitude and all that stuff. I agree, but I do think we need to have a little awareness of what is happening around us too. This is an innate survival characteristic that we should not ignore. We will always have to constantly change ourselves depending on our environment. If we do not keep i- tuned to this, our skills will not be polished and we will have many awkward and isolating moments. This isn't about conforming to the establishment, it is playing a game of survival. You can stay true to you, it is the exterior you present for survival.
I believe that pop psychology has been one of the many reasons our culture has become more entitled, more about me, and more about my life, rather than focusing on community. We do need to develop our confidence, but we need to also take in the whole environment as well. No man is an island. I find today people less accepting, less gracious and more judgemental than ever before. It is a wonder that anyone gets along with anyone. How can we exist in a community, especially when not every average person is the TV or Motion picture image.
I completely understand we must focus on ourselves and not take to heart what people think, or not let it crush our egos, but to completely block out the world around us without listening, is doing everyone a disservice.There needs to be balance. Listening, I don't mean hearing words, but being aware of the message and understanding what is really happening is what I think is lacking today.
Sometimes we humans take offense of words, that cloud our vision of what message that is being conveyed. If we are offended, most say, oh ignore it. Who cares what they think, you are better than them and who do they think they are? So we ignore, but probably what we are ignoring is a misinterpretation of what we thought was being said. Due to having a vision and hearing loss, I see this often. Misunderstandings happen all the time due to the nature of my disability. I cannot see or hear the world like sighted and hearing people do. I can't understand how they function. Just as they can't understand why I do the "weird" things I do to function in my world.
It seems today people misunderstand and take more offense than really hearing the message. They hear the words and put their interpretation to it, their eccentric values, their eccentric ideas to the words instead of listening to the person and what they are trying to communicate. When we ignore a message, we are not being in-tuned to our environment, we are being rather eccentric in our own little world. Connections being lost. How can anyone learn proper communication skills if everyone is shutting everyone out if they don't like what they say? Shutting down everything. Effective communication can be a challenge and very few people have mastered it very well.
If you were born with a disability, most grow up going into a system of adoration if you are highly functional. You end up in "special" programs. You are told you are "special" because of your disability. People think they have to do extra things or come up to you to say how awesome you are to survive with a disability. You get attention because of the disability. You are different. You are unique, you are a focus. With this focus two things can happen, you are either adored in a patronizing way, or people are jealous of you for getting the focus and attention. Either way, you are not in the norm. How can you develop normal social skills if the environment around you is treating you different? They accept your less social skills, in fact, your less social skills could even be reinforced. When you become an adult, the tools you learned to survive no longer work in the mainstream society or the real world. You feel out casted, people look at you as a freak. What happened? This overly happy upbeat personality worked before, but now it went the other way. Now I"m looked at as a goofy weirdo.
One of my favorite old Sit Com is "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" with Will Smith. The energy he had, the timing and the humor. I could watch re-runs over and over. I then saw his movie "Hitch." In the movie, he is an older man. Will has grown up. In the movie he was the collected distinguished man, I thought he did well. But when he started doing some of his yelling scenes or acting that seemed like the "Old Will" it just seemed out of place. I almost wanted to tell Will, "You have grown up now, you better start using a technique that suits you now since you are not a kid anymore." But it is understandable, he was using what always worked and got billions of dollars before. But something changed, he is no longer a skinny kid or young man, but an established man of society. His over expressions that got him world wide acclaim just doesn't fit anymore. It seems awkward and weird. I think this happens to many people as they mature in society. We have to constantly change to the surroundings and who we are now. This doesn't mean to get rid of your young inner self, it is about knowing the right place, time and setting. It is about the role we must play at a particular time. Most actors do not loose themselves in a person or character once they are no longer playing that character. They still need to be themselves, but they can also act when needed.
I have also needed to learn this. I have been highly reinforced for being giddy, over expressive and happy. But now that I am getting older, nearly reaching 50, it is coming across rather repulsive. It is time to change. However, I can't go the other way and be quiet, docile or stoic. That is not me. I need to have some expression and personality. Going the other direction will also be socially unaccepted as well. You can't go from one extreme to another. You need to find the balance. You can still be you, just adjust your presentation style. It is just behavior of what you show to other people, not your core. If you want an environment of being giddy, or silly, volunteer for something to do with children. Have an outlet for your creativity.
Think of it this way, you go to a formal ballroom affair, you are going to dress formal and be formal, you go to a sports event, you are going to have a completely different demeanor and your outward expressions are acceptable if they are outrageous. When you are at work, there is a certain way you must present yourself. IN most situations, you cannot talk to your co-workers like you can your friends. You are also different with your parents, than a 4 year old child. All different sides of you, different presentations, but you are still being you.
Being aware of our environment, without getting your feelings crushed is listening. You can't listen if something offends or upsets you. To better fit in your world, you must listen to it first, then you can decide if the information is warranted, or not.
When you hear or listen to feedback, all they are commenting on or reacting to are your outside actions. I'm talking from live inter-personal communication, not text, e-mail or chat exchanges.
We should treat any communication as information, instead of thinking of it as something that goes deep to our egos. We should be open to the fact we might not be presenting well. We should be open to the fact that we might not be communicating well. The other side should also remember that it is just an exterior communication we are showing. Some people just get upset by another's attitude, but do not realize this is exterior, do we really know what that person is thinking? Granted, some actions and behaviors should not be tolerated, this is where good listening and awareness of your environment comes into play.
So how do we take people and their actions towards us? What do we do if we feel negative vibes from them? Do we blow them off and stick our noses in the air, or try to ease the tension? Could that make it worse? Sometimes even our good intentions can come across wrong. Where is the balance here? Sometimes it just takes many tries to find that connection. Sometimes nothing you can do will work. It is self defeating to let this get to you. Easy to say, very hard to take emotionally.
I had one person come up to me and just go off on me. I don't think she realized how she was coming across to me. Because it was in the middle of a work department, I told her we should discuss this some where else. She kept going off and accusing me of things that were not true. I felt her doing this out in the open where others could hear, really put me on the spot and made me feel really uncomfortable. She did not listen to what I said, but more took offense. All I said was we need to discuss this some place else. What happened was, she completely took what I said in an e-mail the wrong way. I was trying to give her information from the supervisor, in what he wanted to do with this project. However, she in turn, interpreted it as me trying to act as a supervisor. What? I was just conveying what the supervisor said, using his name saying this is what he wants. But in her hurried manner and only going off with her impression of the whole situation and not allowing me to say my side, the communication turned unpleasant.
About 4 hours later, After my shift was over and time to go home, I was getting in my car to go home. It was Friday and I was really tired. This co worker comes up to try and reconcile. Loud cargo trucks where driving around us and I couldn't hear. She never said sorry for going off on me, but instead she said she didn't have any "hard feelings against me." That she wasn't "mad at me." I backed off and said, "it is time to home." I was exhausted, didn't want to get into this conversation and I couldn't hear. I felt it was very presumptuous of her that this one way conversation of her reconciling put me in a difficult position. Both situations she was not open to listen to me or see where I was coming from on this issue. It was about her thinking she was reconciling and she being the better person to approach me. She thought I was being resistant and uncooperative. I never got a chance to say my side. Sadly, at the time, I was suffering from some dangerous medical situations that left me extremely fatigue. Having the energy to deal with this was very difficult for me and the best thing I could do at the time was retreat.
What happened is she was looking at the whole situation from her perspective and that her interpretations ruled her actions. She never once listened to what I had to say or even cared to pay attention to what was going on in the environment. She needed to take care of this matter and it was going to be on her terms. If I didn't react the way she wanted, then I was in the wrong. I felt sand blasted by both of her approaches that day. Being tired, I just didn't have the energy to play the super communicator. I wanted to go HOME!
I'm not saying my actions were perfect, but this is an example of how listening wasn't happening on either side. I felt sand blasted and attacked, which doesn't help my listening skills. I shouldn't take such actions so personally. She had some beef with me and was going to make sure I heard everything that was on her mind. She had no listening skills to see where I was coming from and took such offense of something she misunderstood.
Regardless of what happens on either end or what side you are on, listening skills are still valuable even if someone is going off on you. You learn a lot about the other person when you do. Learning how to deal with adversity is a very good skill. The first step is just to listen, listen to the message, don't take it as an attack. When we do take things as an attack, this emits something in us that is non-social. Non-approachable. Conflict rises. Listening, without taking it in as a personal attack, you can see that this person has some problems and issues. In a low voice, I could have said, hey, let's come into this conference room so we can have privacy to talk. Even though we could say she shouldn't have gone off on me, the thing is, sometimes we do need to be the one with the better skills to communicate. The goal, to decrease conflict. If at least one person doesn't know how to decrease the conflict, both sides will fail to communicate.
During communications, we do need to stop, take a deep breath and just listen. We really do need to be aware of our environment, in how people respond to us, but don't take it as Gospel, but as information. Take it as information to tweak our external actions, not to change our whole self. Its not to put us into submission, it is just information. Being open to this might make us more approachable, more socially savvy and more enjoyable. Unfortunately, this will take time to learn how to listen. When we are tired, not feeling well, stressed etc. it is very hard to do listen appropriately. We also need to take the time to shape ourselves to listen better. This takes practice and is a habitual change. So when you are not listening, this isn't a criticism fest time, it is assessing where you are, and moving forward. We are not perfect creatures and people who have better listening skills most likely just have more time practicing. It is about behavioral changes.
Just remember, we can still choose to be ourselves, just how we interact or react needs to undergo some little changes. s different. Some groups like loud, some do not. Some groups like stoic, while some groups want a little more life or personality out of a person. We can adjust as needed, but that doesn't really change us. How we interact with people is all about presentation, not who we are inside. This is not about pleasing others or following others, it is about connecting with different people. Those who seem to have many friends and many activities are those who can adjust to the situation and not conform to one way. This takes practice to adjust your outer social savvy skills. It is a skill, not who we are as a human being. The first step is to just start to listen, become more aware of your environment, become less reactive and think before you talk. Once this first step is practiced, then you can improve on listening skills and having fun in changing how you respond. Try something new. Sometimes you will never reach people, that's ok, either you can keep trying, take a break or more on if you can. But keep those listening skills open, you may really learn something unexpected.
Monday, May 07, 2012
Don't let others define you, you define yourself
The complexity of defining yourself.
We can't shut out the world from feedback, or put up such a rigid shield, we stay in a sheltered cocoon. Tuning out friends when they try to tell you something doesn't help either. They may have something valuable to you, even if you deny it. I am sure we all see from time to time, someone so clueless of themselves and when you try to give them a little mirror to show them what you see, they either turn away or try to break your mirror. Sometimes what some people don't want to hear, is exactly what they need.
On the other hand, there are times you cannot let people define you. What they tell you, they may not have the full picture or understanding. People will put narrow labels on a person because they only want to see that person a certain way. Their filters may not be allowing all light to come in. They don't see your full glow in the light and pass judgement. Sometimes it is their ego where they patronize you or knock you down. In a competitive situation, this could be very true. Like the workplace where stakes of recognition are high. People will try to psyche you out.
The key to defining yourself is to listen. Not only listen to advice that is good for you, but listen to other comments as well. This doesn't mean you absorb the toxic message and take it to heart, but instead just listen to the message in a non-personal way. There is a message the person is disclosing and it could be more about them, than it is about you. Listen how you can use their message as an advantage. What message are they really saying to help you succeed, while they could be trying to tear you down. When people hear things they do not like, we shut it out, missing valuable information by being too defensive. You can learn a lot about a person by just listening to them. Their message maybe degrading, but you might be able to see their pain, or their issues that can tell you a lot about them. Listening to them enables you to define yourself even better. It teaches you how to deal with people who are having issues.
Listening allows you to learn. It is all how you take the information and how you use it. Reacting and spitting it back on the person is just defense, and defense is poor communication and counter productive unless you are in an official professional debate or your life is really threatened. Otherwise being defensive doesn't really accomplish much. You hide from reality and what is really happening.
How to take a message is a balance. Balance is work. When you try to stand on one leg and keep your balance, it can be difficult at first. You need to feel the right way to balance your body. The muscles will take time to strengthen and becomes toned. Do you lean right? Do you lean left? Forward? Back? to balance yourself? It all depends on the situation. Letting yourself feel where to balance helps you go with the flow, just like letting yourself be open to listening. I stress again, being open to hear doesn't me you absorb it for yourself or let it become you, you take it in as information to use.
The irony in my life has been, I have learned a lot about myself being in a negative environment. So many people resist negativity, but it isn't about resisting their negativity, It is about how we handle their negativity. The more we shut it out, the less we learn how to deal with it and the less we can handle it. Handling or dealing with someones negative input enables us to learn how to be more positive and grounded in ourselves. It helps us define ourselves. .
How did I rise above the negativity? How did and do I conquer it so I can handle negativity in the future? By finding myself and grounding myself. Then I don't have to tell anyone else what to do, I don't have to present myself as superior while they try to find their better place in life. I then respect the other person more and I'm able to have clearer thinking to communicate better with them. There are just some people we have to deal with on a daily basis if we like it or not. Being grounded in yourself actually enables less stress. You let go of the urge to control someone else just because you don't like what they a re saying. We live here in the U. S. life in a free world and people have rights to their freedom of speech.
Another way to put this, and the risk of being redundant:
Defining yourself is being able to take a horrible situation and rise above it. Pushing it away, ignoring it really only temporary gives you relief, but you will never learn how to deal with an environment until you face it, talk to it, listen to it, and understand it. This is how you define yourself, don't let others define you.
My reactions are me, no one else can really take ownership of my reactions. I have complete responsibility of my reactions since I can choose how I react to someone. If I'm offended, that's my issue. If you go around life trying tnot to offend people, guess what, even when you try not to offend, you will anyway. We can't please everyone, even when we try to please. This is why it is so important to be grounded in ourselves and be open to listen to others. This is how we define ourselves.
When something you know is true and you have truly defined yourself, there is no reason to react in an upset or aggravated way. If someone feels you are something you are not, let them be, you might learn something from their perception. We may think we are a certain way, but what we show to other people might be very different. People are entitled to their thoughts. Sometimes they might just be right. In law enforcement, the stronger someone denies something or becomes too reactive, the more the Law Enforcement officers believes that person is in denial of the truth or trying to cover up. But if you are grounded, you don't have to react or be overly defensive. You can calmly explore why t he other person thinks so, and then can communicate more effectively.
Defining yourself is about being grounded, knowing yourself, taking responsibility for your actions and having a good balance of knowing how to listen to information that comes your way. This takes time to condition, and you will always have to keep up with the conditioning. Cheers to knowing yourself.
We can't shut out the world from feedback, or put up such a rigid shield, we stay in a sheltered cocoon. Tuning out friends when they try to tell you something doesn't help either. They may have something valuable to you, even if you deny it. I am sure we all see from time to time, someone so clueless of themselves and when you try to give them a little mirror to show them what you see, they either turn away or try to break your mirror. Sometimes what some people don't want to hear, is exactly what they need.
On the other hand, there are times you cannot let people define you. What they tell you, they may not have the full picture or understanding. People will put narrow labels on a person because they only want to see that person a certain way. Their filters may not be allowing all light to come in. They don't see your full glow in the light and pass judgement. Sometimes it is their ego where they patronize you or knock you down. In a competitive situation, this could be very true. Like the workplace where stakes of recognition are high. People will try to psyche you out.
The key to defining yourself is to listen. Not only listen to advice that is good for you, but listen to other comments as well. This doesn't mean you absorb the toxic message and take it to heart, but instead just listen to the message in a non-personal way. There is a message the person is disclosing and it could be more about them, than it is about you. Listen how you can use their message as an advantage. What message are they really saying to help you succeed, while they could be trying to tear you down. When people hear things they do not like, we shut it out, missing valuable information by being too defensive. You can learn a lot about a person by just listening to them. Their message maybe degrading, but you might be able to see their pain, or their issues that can tell you a lot about them. Listening to them enables you to define yourself even better. It teaches you how to deal with people who are having issues.
Listening allows you to learn. It is all how you take the information and how you use it. Reacting and spitting it back on the person is just defense, and defense is poor communication and counter productive unless you are in an official professional debate or your life is really threatened. Otherwise being defensive doesn't really accomplish much. You hide from reality and what is really happening.
How to take a message is a balance. Balance is work. When you try to stand on one leg and keep your balance, it can be difficult at first. You need to feel the right way to balance your body. The muscles will take time to strengthen and becomes toned. Do you lean right? Do you lean left? Forward? Back? to balance yourself? It all depends on the situation. Letting yourself feel where to balance helps you go with the flow, just like letting yourself be open to listening. I stress again, being open to hear doesn't me you absorb it for yourself or let it become you, you take it in as information to use.
The irony in my life has been, I have learned a lot about myself being in a negative environment. So many people resist negativity, but it isn't about resisting their negativity, It is about how we handle their negativity. The more we shut it out, the less we learn how to deal with it and the less we can handle it. Handling or dealing with someones negative input enables us to learn how to be more positive and grounded in ourselves. It helps us define ourselves. .
How did I rise above the negativity? How did and do I conquer it so I can handle negativity in the future? By finding myself and grounding myself. Then I don't have to tell anyone else what to do, I don't have to present myself as superior while they try to find their better place in life. I then respect the other person more and I'm able to have clearer thinking to communicate better with them. There are just some people we have to deal with on a daily basis if we like it or not. Being grounded in yourself actually enables less stress. You let go of the urge to control someone else just because you don't like what they a re saying. We live here in the U. S. life in a free world and people have rights to their freedom of speech.
Another way to put this, and the risk of being redundant:
Defining yourself is being able to take a horrible situation and rise above it. Pushing it away, ignoring it really only temporary gives you relief, but you will never learn how to deal with an environment until you face it, talk to it, listen to it, and understand it. This is how you define yourself, don't let others define you.
My reactions are me, no one else can really take ownership of my reactions. I have complete responsibility of my reactions since I can choose how I react to someone. If I'm offended, that's my issue. If you go around life trying tnot to offend people, guess what, even when you try not to offend, you will anyway. We can't please everyone, even when we try to please. This is why it is so important to be grounded in ourselves and be open to listen to others. This is how we define ourselves.
When something you know is true and you have truly defined yourself, there is no reason to react in an upset or aggravated way. If someone feels you are something you are not, let them be, you might learn something from their perception. We may think we are a certain way, but what we show to other people might be very different. People are entitled to their thoughts. Sometimes they might just be right. In law enforcement, the stronger someone denies something or becomes too reactive, the more the Law Enforcement officers believes that person is in denial of the truth or trying to cover up. But if you are grounded, you don't have to react or be overly defensive. You can calmly explore why t he other person thinks so, and then can communicate more effectively.
Defining yourself is about being grounded, knowing yourself, taking responsibility for your actions and having a good balance of knowing how to listen to information that comes your way. This takes time to condition, and you will always have to keep up with the conditioning. Cheers to knowing yourself.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
To make change, we must change first
If we want change, we must change first. If something is not going as planned or life is out of balance, change. While something is tipping over, we try to adjust the situation to get things back on balance. Thus we must act, we must change or do something, to get back on balance again. Sometimes we are successful, sometimes we are not, sometimes it just takes a lot of attempts to get there. What will work to keep this item from tipping? We problem solve, work it and keep thinking about it until it item is balanced again. It can take an hour, day, week, month, year, years or maybe even a decade or more before a solution to the problem is found. Success doesn't quit, that's why there is always success, regardless the time it took.
For personal interactions that are not smooth, finding solutions can be easy or difficult. We could be unaware that a change is needed, and not understand that our lives need better balance. Some people go through their whole lives, unbalanced and never knew how to get balanced. Others know they do not have balance, but have challenges in finding their balance. Then give up and go as they have been doing. Then the ones who are out of balance, let go and try to find a solution and when they find it, their life is happy and fulfilled.
A simple tweak can do wonders in a situation, while in another, a major change maybe needed. How do we know what is needed? Are we perceptive enough to find the right change? We can go through life feeling a pseudo balance, not realizing we need balance, and a major challenge comes in our lives. The test, to knock the pseudo balance out of the way so we can face reality. We struggle and are baffled because we thought we had peace and balance. Something is wrong. What happened? I don't have the control of myself I thought I had. We struggle in pain, but then one day, we let go and realize we need to do the change that is needed to get a real balanced life.
Interacting with people can be exhilarating or it can be taxing, depending on the person or their state at the time. Some people bend with you, others dictate that you must approach them in a certain way, or they will shut you out. A person may have a communication style that maybe perfect in one setting, and repulsive in another. It doesn't seem fair that people cannot accept us who we are, but if you are in a situation where you must work with someone who sees you as repulsive, you may have to suck it up and just change to make the situation less stressful.
Why can't people accept me for who I am? You can say that until the cows come home, but the truth of the matter, if you want something to change, you must change first. If you are not connecting with someone and you want to resolve the situation, you must change first. Put the resentment aside, or put the guard down. Take a deep breath and let the nervousness flow out. Bring more positive energy to yourself. This will set you up for better success to be receptive to the other person. Look for clues in their facial expression, inflection of their voice or body language. For a deaf-blind person this can be challenging as you have to get closer to the person to get the signals they are showing. This can be challenging as you need to respect personal space.
As for anyone who has limitations in communication skills, like a hearing loss or vision loss, the burden is always on us to change. The burden on us to communicate carefully our needs. Let people know that you must come closer. I have found turning sideways helps a person feel less intimidated and you can get closer to them. They will be at more ease as you are closer. It is also polite to come to eve level of a person to a wheelchair. Kneel down or sit in a chair. Do the same to someone who doesn't use a wheelchair. Make it an even mutual exchange. Just these simple changes can make a difference of someone being repulsive, so someone being receptive. It may take time, not only to find the right solution to connect, but to change your own behavior. Breaking old repulsive habits or learning how to use new ones. You may not find that right adjustment at first. Be patient with yourself and certainly be patient with the other person. Don't take it personally. The more you take it personally, the more the other person will sense it and back off. Taking something personally is negative energy that everyone can deal without. That puts barriers into communication.
A deaf-blind person or an in-between deaf-blind person has to adjust in many ways. They are different and have to adjust themselves to overcome the different label. What will make you cool or approachable?
For personal interactions that are not smooth, finding solutions can be easy or difficult. We could be unaware that a change is needed, and not understand that our lives need better balance. Some people go through their whole lives, unbalanced and never knew how to get balanced. Others know they do not have balance, but have challenges in finding their balance. Then give up and go as they have been doing. Then the ones who are out of balance, let go and try to find a solution and when they find it, their life is happy and fulfilled.
A simple tweak can do wonders in a situation, while in another, a major change maybe needed. How do we know what is needed? Are we perceptive enough to find the right change? We can go through life feeling a pseudo balance, not realizing we need balance, and a major challenge comes in our lives. The test, to knock the pseudo balance out of the way so we can face reality. We struggle and are baffled because we thought we had peace and balance. Something is wrong. What happened? I don't have the control of myself I thought I had. We struggle in pain, but then one day, we let go and realize we need to do the change that is needed to get a real balanced life.
Interacting with people can be exhilarating or it can be taxing, depending on the person or their state at the time. Some people bend with you, others dictate that you must approach them in a certain way, or they will shut you out. A person may have a communication style that maybe perfect in one setting, and repulsive in another. It doesn't seem fair that people cannot accept us who we are, but if you are in a situation where you must work with someone who sees you as repulsive, you may have to suck it up and just change to make the situation less stressful.
Why can't people accept me for who I am? You can say that until the cows come home, but the truth of the matter, if you want something to change, you must change first. If you are not connecting with someone and you want to resolve the situation, you must change first. Put the resentment aside, or put the guard down. Take a deep breath and let the nervousness flow out. Bring more positive energy to yourself. This will set you up for better success to be receptive to the other person. Look for clues in their facial expression, inflection of their voice or body language. For a deaf-blind person this can be challenging as you have to get closer to the person to get the signals they are showing. This can be challenging as you need to respect personal space.
As for anyone who has limitations in communication skills, like a hearing loss or vision loss, the burden is always on us to change. The burden on us to communicate carefully our needs. Let people know that you must come closer. I have found turning sideways helps a person feel less intimidated and you can get closer to them. They will be at more ease as you are closer. It is also polite to come to eve level of a person to a wheelchair. Kneel down or sit in a chair. Do the same to someone who doesn't use a wheelchair. Make it an even mutual exchange. Just these simple changes can make a difference of someone being repulsive, so someone being receptive. It may take time, not only to find the right solution to connect, but to change your own behavior. Breaking old repulsive habits or learning how to use new ones. You may not find that right adjustment at first. Be patient with yourself and certainly be patient with the other person. Don't take it personally. The more you take it personally, the more the other person will sense it and back off. Taking something personally is negative energy that everyone can deal without. That puts barriers into communication.
A deaf-blind person or an in-between deaf-blind person has to adjust in many ways. They are different and have to adjust themselves to overcome the different label. What will make you cool or approachable?
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Remembering where you came from...
Yesterday I was able to meet up with some friends I haven't seen in years. They were a part of my childhood. A time that is so different from now. When you are kids, you are carefree, what troubles you is so different than when you are an adult. Two people I saw yesterday, I haven't seen since I was in elementary school, the other one I haven't seen since I was about nineteen years old. They brought a sense of reality of who I am and where I came from. This enabled me to see through the heaviness that has surrounded me.
The past three and a half years have been very hard. I'm around people with repelling energy, they are wrapped up in surviving the rat race. They still hang on to the social structures you learned in middle school or high school to survive. Struggling to be the top leader or trying to be in the "in" group, while ostracizing others. Similar to a sorority or fraternity, to show we are somebody; you are nothing. It is survival. They make judgements, they gossip and bond tighter with their "in" group. They feel secure and feel they are surviving the rat race. They use the targeted person as a scape goat to feel better. But this cycle just continues where full contentment is not reached. I'm the target, this is the type of world I live in every day. But, I was able to get out of this circle for a day. Go back in time and meet up with my past. A time that I was silly giddy. In my adult I have had segments that I was a very happy person, mostly when I was a park ranger. But, my journey took me some place else, a desk job where you are serious. No inspiring people, which actually does give me energy. However, I lost a little of myself in this desk job, being in the office politics, the rat race and lost in the struggle to survive. I'm naive in these types of environments and don't flourish well. Who wants to spend time around someone who is lost and can't play the game? Who wants to be around someone if they can't stay in-tune with the environment. I stand out way too much because I can't play the game, I'm naive, obviously I'm not one of them, so rejection is the best survival mode for them. No time to support or foster the naive person, just roll your eyes at them and hope they go away. It feels like negative energy. I'm ostracized, so I try to survive the best way I can.
But meeting up with my childhood friends, the giddy happy Christ was there, just waiting to come out. I had all this bundle of hyper energy I haven't used in quite awhile. Dying to get out and exploding with enthusiasm when I was around three people who allowed me to be me. How exhilarating. It felt good to be me.
I realize that when you are in certain environments, you have to have certain composure, which is fine, but being around a lot of suppressed energy or judgements wears. I didn't realize how much it worn me down until yesterday visiting with the friends who brought me back to who I really am as a person. Your environment is important. Being ostracized, being the scape goat or the target, it wears. Even when you think positive, have confidence, you are human. You want a colleague. We all seek camaraderie, not ostracization. I've read many positive quotes, books and sayings trying to get through this, but how do you guard yourself from acid that slowly disintegrates your marble shape? I have changed and noticed that it has worn on me. I work very hard to counter act such an environment, but it is hard. Some days I don't have the energy to flip it off. Some days I'm able to step aside and let it fly by, but I still need to get done what I need to get done. I'm on my own. Very little support.
In my life as a whole, I don't need more criticism of how I'm not the real Christy I have always been. Some days I'm just not my positive bundle of energy. I need help myself, I need a hand to help me get up after being knocked down so often. Sometimes I just need to be cranky about it to get through this. Some days I'm better than others. When you see my light shine, enjoy. When you don't, don't criticize me, know where I am coming from, that I just may need a kind word to bring me out again. Although I may seem negative, abrupt or not as giddy as I have been, I'm worn, I'm tired. I need to be refreshed. It takes so much energy to shine through the darkness, meet me part of the way and I will ensure to brightness comes through and then some. I'm just in survival mode. I get enough criticism that I am not in a trusting mode. Don't misunderstand me, I just need to change my mode, turn off survival mode and get into happy mode. Sometimes I don't know when to flip that switch when I"m tired.
Yesterday seeing these nice friends allowed me to turn on my flood lights, maybe I was too bright, but it felt good from my perspective. I been with more energy I haven't seen within myself in ages. Which gives me an idea the type of person I am, for me it is very important for me to choose who is around me. Other people do not have the nerve endings in their external. Because they do not, they cannot understand someone like me, they think I can ignore it. They don't understand that is like trying to ignore finger nails down an old fashion chalk board or a screeching sounds of brakes in a truck. Some things you cannot block out depending of your make up and who you are, it is very arrogant and short sighted of people to try to tell you how to operate, when you are not the same, nor do you have the same neuron endings or communication pathways. It is like telling someone that has eaten a lot of sugar to calm down. Kind of hard.
I do believe we all emit energy. Some emit great auras of energy, where each one is different. Some people don't understand energies or frequencies that are different. Something different, something they either do not understand or fear. When you are around people who understand your energy, life is great. Life is fulfilled. But when feared, judgement may cloud and interfere with such resonance and cause great distorted sound. Sometimes all you need to do is play together, find the right notes and you can make beautiful music. Just takes a little effort in being open to understand. Like two musicians getting together for the first time. Both have different styles, but they start out awkward. They both listen to each other and before long, they make that connection and the song echos through the air. They were open, they didn't fear to try something new or to try and connect to something different. They are both musicians, love music and will work together to play.
I have been intimidated, suppressed and knocked down, and all I want to do is survive. I don't want to fight, but yet, I have to be on guard for the next surprised. I come in peace. Let me get by. When I am in survival mode, I am not me, I am using my energies to survive. I am on guard, where I am in survival mode so often, I do not turn that switch off. Forget I'm in this non-social mode. I come home, try to socialize in social media, but fail because I didn't turn the switch off. People get turned off from me. I'm not seeing what I'm writing because I'm tired, I can't see very well. I am so spent, I am not even aware of what is happening. My communication is poor, people misunderstand my intentions. They judge me and misinterpret me. They don't want to connect other than to criticize what I did wrong, which puts me in further survival mode. I've been in survival mode for so long, I have forgotten what it is to be me. Everyone shoving me away because they can't understand nor want to know me. They just take the surface of me, and make judgement. I'm alone. You wonder why this is happening. Things are not blending. Peace is not there. You are in the wrong environment, the wrong surrounding. Everyone then starts to be a threat to me. Who can I trust? They do not want to see the happy giddy me, they prefer to make judgements. How could a geographical place have so much of this intensity? Other places I have lived, you would get some people who would ostracize, make judgements about you, but it feels like all this energy around you is this way. I don't think it is a matter of me or them, but a matter of we are different and effort to meet is not happening. I try to meet, I try to shed some understanding, but they don't listen. My energy level drops ad the days, months and years go by. After so much time, my happy giddy self is stuffed some where, forgotten because I have been in survival mode for so song. Where is she? I know a part of me is upbeat, happy, delight and inspirational. Where is she?
The people I met up with yesterday brought me out, unknowingly, but their shear acceptance and delight to see me enabled me to come out. Come out of darkness after a long time. They were safe.
The past week I realized I need to take action and move. I have given San Diego my best. It is not on the same frequency as me. It is like two cords that sound together and create tension or an ear sore. I do not have melody here. No matter what I do, how I communicate, it is wrong. I'm tense, and anything I do, will just continue to get worse. When I am in the right place, I do create melody and harmony. It is effortless. But here while I have been in San Diego, I kept trying, over and over and the melodies are not coming, my efforts make it worse as it is more strained, more forced and not flowing. What they heck is going on here? I denied it, I can make it work. I can think all positive, I can think all great attitude. To no avail, it is not working. Time to stop forcing it. Time to let it flow, the answer comes, it is time to move on.
This isn't anything against San Diego. It has many wonderful qualities. It is a beautiful city by the Pacific and many great things that happen here like large off lead dog parks, dog beach, a mall you can shop with your dog and more. However, this city and I do not have the frequencies to develop a wonderful melody. I have lived other places that this has happened. Places where my energy runs free and flowing. Effortless. This is what yesterday reminded me of, with the friends. It didn't matter what I said, I didn't have to worry, I was accepted. This is how life should be, a circle of friends who are there for you, not being around constant judgement that you are just going to fail, and continue to do so from the stress.
I think the agency where I work is a good one, I know my energy frequencies doesn't match with my co-workers, where I work now. I have been in other parts of my agency and was able to blend well. This isn't anything against them or me, each person has a different set of energies. When you hit a key on the piano, then another, you will either get two keys that blend well or two keys that do not. Especially if the piano is out of tune. This is life. One needs to be in the position to change to make the melody, but when one doesn't want to change, it makes it hard.
Life is that some keys play well together, some keys don't. Some keys are pleasing for some, while not others. Just like genre of music, some is music to your ears, while other genres or types or artists are ear sores. When the mismatch happens, it takes too much energy to peacefully live. When it does match, it is effortless, joyful, peaceful, and definitely fulfilling. I miss those places. Time to move on and vibrate with a matching energy. I see the conflict of energies here a way of telling me my journey is better suited some place else. Some would call this metaphysical, some would call this God, some would just call it, get the hey out of town and don't look back! Regardless, I'm open enough to know it is not me, which I did look first, and then now it is time to move on. I did my best.
I am going to transfer north. I've always been drawn north and noticed that I have more friends north. It feels right and the city I pick, I think the old Christy will come back. She will be there. She will come out. She will be free, and her natural way of connecting with people will come out instead of messing up under stress, fear and fatigue. She will have less fatigue because she will be more free. I will be leaving San Diego soon. I can't wait and I know it is right. The irony is I had to remember where I came from to know it is right I need to move on to find my music and balance.
The past three and a half years have been very hard. I'm around people with repelling energy, they are wrapped up in surviving the rat race. They still hang on to the social structures you learned in middle school or high school to survive. Struggling to be the top leader or trying to be in the "in" group, while ostracizing others. Similar to a sorority or fraternity, to show we are somebody; you are nothing. It is survival. They make judgements, they gossip and bond tighter with their "in" group. They feel secure and feel they are surviving the rat race. They use the targeted person as a scape goat to feel better. But this cycle just continues where full contentment is not reached. I'm the target, this is the type of world I live in every day. But, I was able to get out of this circle for a day. Go back in time and meet up with my past. A time that I was silly giddy. In my adult I have had segments that I was a very happy person, mostly when I was a park ranger. But, my journey took me some place else, a desk job where you are serious. No inspiring people, which actually does give me energy. However, I lost a little of myself in this desk job, being in the office politics, the rat race and lost in the struggle to survive. I'm naive in these types of environments and don't flourish well. Who wants to spend time around someone who is lost and can't play the game? Who wants to be around someone if they can't stay in-tune with the environment. I stand out way too much because I can't play the game, I'm naive, obviously I'm not one of them, so rejection is the best survival mode for them. No time to support or foster the naive person, just roll your eyes at them and hope they go away. It feels like negative energy. I'm ostracized, so I try to survive the best way I can.
But meeting up with my childhood friends, the giddy happy Christ was there, just waiting to come out. I had all this bundle of hyper energy I haven't used in quite awhile. Dying to get out and exploding with enthusiasm when I was around three people who allowed me to be me. How exhilarating. It felt good to be me.
I realize that when you are in certain environments, you have to have certain composure, which is fine, but being around a lot of suppressed energy or judgements wears. I didn't realize how much it worn me down until yesterday visiting with the friends who brought me back to who I really am as a person. Your environment is important. Being ostracized, being the scape goat or the target, it wears. Even when you think positive, have confidence, you are human. You want a colleague. We all seek camaraderie, not ostracization. I've read many positive quotes, books and sayings trying to get through this, but how do you guard yourself from acid that slowly disintegrates your marble shape? I have changed and noticed that it has worn on me. I work very hard to counter act such an environment, but it is hard. Some days I don't have the energy to flip it off. Some days I'm able to step aside and let it fly by, but I still need to get done what I need to get done. I'm on my own. Very little support.
In my life as a whole, I don't need more criticism of how I'm not the real Christy I have always been. Some days I'm just not my positive bundle of energy. I need help myself, I need a hand to help me get up after being knocked down so often. Sometimes I just need to be cranky about it to get through this. Some days I'm better than others. When you see my light shine, enjoy. When you don't, don't criticize me, know where I am coming from, that I just may need a kind word to bring me out again. Although I may seem negative, abrupt or not as giddy as I have been, I'm worn, I'm tired. I need to be refreshed. It takes so much energy to shine through the darkness, meet me part of the way and I will ensure to brightness comes through and then some. I'm just in survival mode. I get enough criticism that I am not in a trusting mode. Don't misunderstand me, I just need to change my mode, turn off survival mode and get into happy mode. Sometimes I don't know when to flip that switch when I"m tired.
Yesterday seeing these nice friends allowed me to turn on my flood lights, maybe I was too bright, but it felt good from my perspective. I been with more energy I haven't seen within myself in ages. Which gives me an idea the type of person I am, for me it is very important for me to choose who is around me. Other people do not have the nerve endings in their external. Because they do not, they cannot understand someone like me, they think I can ignore it. They don't understand that is like trying to ignore finger nails down an old fashion chalk board or a screeching sounds of brakes in a truck. Some things you cannot block out depending of your make up and who you are, it is very arrogant and short sighted of people to try to tell you how to operate, when you are not the same, nor do you have the same neuron endings or communication pathways. It is like telling someone that has eaten a lot of sugar to calm down. Kind of hard.
I do believe we all emit energy. Some emit great auras of energy, where each one is different. Some people don't understand energies or frequencies that are different. Something different, something they either do not understand or fear. When you are around people who understand your energy, life is great. Life is fulfilled. But when feared, judgement may cloud and interfere with such resonance and cause great distorted sound. Sometimes all you need to do is play together, find the right notes and you can make beautiful music. Just takes a little effort in being open to understand. Like two musicians getting together for the first time. Both have different styles, but they start out awkward. They both listen to each other and before long, they make that connection and the song echos through the air. They were open, they didn't fear to try something new or to try and connect to something different. They are both musicians, love music and will work together to play.
I have been intimidated, suppressed and knocked down, and all I want to do is survive. I don't want to fight, but yet, I have to be on guard for the next surprised. I come in peace. Let me get by. When I am in survival mode, I am not me, I am using my energies to survive. I am on guard, where I am in survival mode so often, I do not turn that switch off. Forget I'm in this non-social mode. I come home, try to socialize in social media, but fail because I didn't turn the switch off. People get turned off from me. I'm not seeing what I'm writing because I'm tired, I can't see very well. I am so spent, I am not even aware of what is happening. My communication is poor, people misunderstand my intentions. They judge me and misinterpret me. They don't want to connect other than to criticize what I did wrong, which puts me in further survival mode. I've been in survival mode for so long, I have forgotten what it is to be me. Everyone shoving me away because they can't understand nor want to know me. They just take the surface of me, and make judgement. I'm alone. You wonder why this is happening. Things are not blending. Peace is not there. You are in the wrong environment, the wrong surrounding. Everyone then starts to be a threat to me. Who can I trust? They do not want to see the happy giddy me, they prefer to make judgements. How could a geographical place have so much of this intensity? Other places I have lived, you would get some people who would ostracize, make judgements about you, but it feels like all this energy around you is this way. I don't think it is a matter of me or them, but a matter of we are different and effort to meet is not happening. I try to meet, I try to shed some understanding, but they don't listen. My energy level drops ad the days, months and years go by. After so much time, my happy giddy self is stuffed some where, forgotten because I have been in survival mode for so song. Where is she? I know a part of me is upbeat, happy, delight and inspirational. Where is she?
The people I met up with yesterday brought me out, unknowingly, but their shear acceptance and delight to see me enabled me to come out. Come out of darkness after a long time. They were safe.
The past week I realized I need to take action and move. I have given San Diego my best. It is not on the same frequency as me. It is like two cords that sound together and create tension or an ear sore. I do not have melody here. No matter what I do, how I communicate, it is wrong. I'm tense, and anything I do, will just continue to get worse. When I am in the right place, I do create melody and harmony. It is effortless. But here while I have been in San Diego, I kept trying, over and over and the melodies are not coming, my efforts make it worse as it is more strained, more forced and not flowing. What they heck is going on here? I denied it, I can make it work. I can think all positive, I can think all great attitude. To no avail, it is not working. Time to stop forcing it. Time to let it flow, the answer comes, it is time to move on.
This isn't anything against San Diego. It has many wonderful qualities. It is a beautiful city by the Pacific and many great things that happen here like large off lead dog parks, dog beach, a mall you can shop with your dog and more. However, this city and I do not have the frequencies to develop a wonderful melody. I have lived other places that this has happened. Places where my energy runs free and flowing. Effortless. This is what yesterday reminded me of, with the friends. It didn't matter what I said, I didn't have to worry, I was accepted. This is how life should be, a circle of friends who are there for you, not being around constant judgement that you are just going to fail, and continue to do so from the stress.
I think the agency where I work is a good one, I know my energy frequencies doesn't match with my co-workers, where I work now. I have been in other parts of my agency and was able to blend well. This isn't anything against them or me, each person has a different set of energies. When you hit a key on the piano, then another, you will either get two keys that blend well or two keys that do not. Especially if the piano is out of tune. This is life. One needs to be in the position to change to make the melody, but when one doesn't want to change, it makes it hard.
Life is that some keys play well together, some keys don't. Some keys are pleasing for some, while not others. Just like genre of music, some is music to your ears, while other genres or types or artists are ear sores. When the mismatch happens, it takes too much energy to peacefully live. When it does match, it is effortless, joyful, peaceful, and definitely fulfilling. I miss those places. Time to move on and vibrate with a matching energy. I see the conflict of energies here a way of telling me my journey is better suited some place else. Some would call this metaphysical, some would call this God, some would just call it, get the hey out of town and don't look back! Regardless, I'm open enough to know it is not me, which I did look first, and then now it is time to move on. I did my best.
I am going to transfer north. I've always been drawn north and noticed that I have more friends north. It feels right and the city I pick, I think the old Christy will come back. She will be there. She will come out. She will be free, and her natural way of connecting with people will come out instead of messing up under stress, fear and fatigue. She will have less fatigue because she will be more free. I will be leaving San Diego soon. I can't wait and I know it is right. The irony is I had to remember where I came from to know it is right I need to move on to find my music and balance.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
More revelations and changes
For the past several months I have been describing how challenging things are with having a hearing and vision loss through my blog. I described how I felt isolated from my world and growing up having the duel disability. I communicated how recently things have been a challenge, such as the distance of other people, or me just not jiving with people around me, among many other things. I didn't realize while during writing this blog, my vision and hearing were still getting worse. I wasn't only explaining the past, but also was explaining the present. I contributed to feeling more fatigue from having a job where I over used my eye on the computer, and dealing with the various political personalities at work, this has also added stress to my life. To think that I struggled with jobs in the past with trying to read, but that only consisted of 50% of the job or less. Now reading consists of about 90% of the job. Of course people would think, why didn't I try to get a job that didn't use my eye so much? I did. Unfortunately those jobs I applied were highly competitive and I had to take the job that offered me a job.
I also contributed my fatigue to pushing myself to excel. I pushed so hard that I didn't set an end, I just kept pushing. I got lost in pushing, which stressed me. Anything my supervisor gave to me, I just took it and did it. Even if I was overwhelmed and getting behind, I still took it. He also liked that I did the work and he didn't have to push me to do it. I was the first person of choice because I got the work done. However, in the end, I was getting burned out from everything. Not one thing contributed to the burn out, just many things. I am also a new home owner and things at home were falling apart. The law mower belt fell off and my lawn is now nearly three feet high; the garbage disposal quit; the siding on my house warped from the last winter rains; I have a brick wall I have to put back from fixing a main water line. You know all those things, they are called life or the joys of being a homeowner.
A few months ago, I did know that my vision wasn't as good and perhaps my hearing aids need adjustments. I thought I was adjusting to the change, because I thought the ltitle drop had stopped. I expected life to work for me, my further loss had stopped so I could catch up. Life should work that way right? Sure I can adjust to this, bring out the positive thinking. But unfortunately, the drop didn't stop. It was continuous and I wasn't aware. It kept slipping and I was not only in denial, but fighting everything around me which overwhelmed me. Perhaps my declining senses was due to stress. If it is, some how I need to fix this. I kept trying to problem solve every step of the way, sometimes going in circles. How is the best way to get through all of this? I need to face the real issues head on and know what they are first. Though I was burning myself out trying to problem solve everything in my life. Everything from work, home and my health.
I miss friends. I have had many friend throughout the country, but for some reason San Diego seems to be different. People back away, instead of gravitating to me, like other places. I have tried a number of groups here in San Diego, but to no avail, it just hasn't been a good fit. Like the energies or frequencies are just not matching. Something is off.
I do not have a support group here in my home area. Simply, I'm so not jiving here in San Diego. I do have friends across the country I have met over the years, but their distance is disheartening sometimes. However here in San Diego, they arel distant, too busy, too something. No jiving happening here.
A month and a half ago I had a field vision test. It is this large round white ball, probably about two and a half feet in diameter. When you look in side, there is this lens at the opening to match your prescription. Inside, there are a bunch of little light bulbs around the inner part of this white ball. These light bulbs will flash one at a time and at different intensities. Like a hearing test of different tones and loudness, you press a button when you hear the tones. This field vision test is if you see the light, you press the button. The computer records the results. About a week after the test I saw my retina specialist. First being checked by the nurse, it was revealed read the eye chart at 20/80 in my left eye. Of course they were kind enough not to try and get a reading of my right eye. They knew that it had been removed. Some eye doctor offices try to get a reading out of an eye that doesn't exist. At least this place knows what they are doing and actually read past histories.
The nurse asked me if I have noticed any changes in my vision. I said, "Yes. I have noticed my contrast isn't as good as it use to be as I'm missing things." The doctor described the results of the test as "dimmer." What he meant by dimmer is the lights with less intensity, I was not detecting. The vision field test coincides with me noticing my contrast isn't as good. This is similar to a white film or a dirty window that you can't see as clear. Your contrast is distorted. Things are getting harder to detect. After this news, my heart was heavy. It was true that my vision has been getting worse, even recently. Even when you know something is different, sometimes we rationalize stress, bad day, late at night, long day etc. I won't know if it is any of these until I have another test in about a year.
What does this mean? And how has my functioning in my life changed? When I leave my keys on the counter and there are some items next to it. When I come back to find them after a few hours, I'm having a hard time finding the keys. They are lost among a variety of items, even if I'm looking straight at them. Although I have been visually impaired all my life, I have gotten use to functioning at a certain level. I had learned to adjust to compensate for difficulties in seeing or finding items. This is how I look for things today, but reality hits that now I have to adjust and change again to function under the new way I see. Unfortunately, just as I get use to this way, I will have to go through the whole emotional turmoil again, because I will have to adjust to a new level of vision and a new way of searching for keys.
When I'm in a hurry, I use my old methods, scanning the area in a hurry, missing my keys that are right in front of me. I need to slow down, take a breath and scan the area in a different way. I might even have to start using my hands to help compare, and actually see the items. I still have vision left, so I can still use my eye, but will need assistance of better light, hands and other means.
I also have to slow down, when I go grocery shopping. So many times I'm grabbing the wrong product, because I'm skimming the product like I use to when I had 20/50 vision. I'm accidentally grabbing the product that has the word "Light" on it. Any artificial sweetener added to make it "light" makes me nausea or sick. Today with the many choices, you have to read the labels so ever carefully. It is comical when I shop sometimes, an assistance dog with me, bored because I'm spending so much time reading labels. Yes, I hold the can about three inches from my face. While people read about two to three feet from their face. The more vision I loos, the more time I have to take for shopping. Some retail stockers and clerks are very kind to try and help.
Life as of late, has been exasperating and stressful. Sometimes I wish I could just go in the corner, curl up and just cry. It's overwhelming. Haven't I tried to over come my vision challenges enough? It's been a lifetime of ups and downs. Do I ever get a break from constantly adjusting? Being born legally blind, then regaining sight, then later becoming legally blind again, to regain sight, now on the decline again. Wee ha, what a ride! At least for my hearing, it has slowly, but consistently gotten worse. Not that this is easy to handle, but at least it has been constant. Not like my vision, who knows what will happen.
My life has been for a time, even. However, just when I have a grasp of my situation and I've gotten to the point I can function comfortably, my vision and/or hearing changes again. The cycle and process happens all over again. Adjust, change, adjust, change, adjust, change over and over. I'm tired, I want to rest.
I had a hearing test four days ago. I thought it would be the same but found a slight drop. The audio gram instead of starting 250 Hz at 40 db loss, it is now 50db loss. "db" is for decibels, which is how loud a particular tone is during testing. The larger the number, the louder the sound. The tone is in Hz, which is frequency measured in hertz.
When I was a little girl 250 started at a 20db loss. As I heard normal in that tone, but higher frequencies I did have a mild to moderate loss. In about high school 250 Hz slip to 30 db and stayed there for over a decade, then 40db. It this age? Well, hard to prove that it is age. Would they consider this age when I had a difference from elementary school having a mild to moderate loss to a young adult in my 20's a moderate to severe loss? This loss actually has been fairly consistent since I was a child, so I don't contribute it to being old, but the process of loosing hearing over time. Having the connective tissue syndrome called Stickler's, this is also a contributors. I also wonder about hearing aids as they really boost up sounds. They say constant loud noises, like hearing aids can cause hearing loss over time. I've worn hearing aids since I was in second grade.
The loss of both hearing and vision together is a blow. One at a time, I can try to adjust and keep up with the losses, but both is overwhelming. This past month has been hard and again, I just sometimes want to curl under a table in the corner and just cry.
I have confided with a co-worker what was happening. As I told her tears just kept running down my face and I tried so hard to keep a non emotional response, but I was just too upset. My fear, how is this going to affect my world?
The co-worker told me that yeah, you did slip, but you are such an over achiever that you slipped this much, and she holds up her hand showing the space of a little more than an inch. She also mentioned, "But Christy see this slip as this much." She holds up both hands showing the space of one and a half feet. She said the small slip that is really happening, most likely people are not seeing and it goes undetected, but Christy sees it as a foot and a half.
In other words, I am so hard on myself that I see the drop as huge. As disaster, as stressful. I am one who wants to over achieve, I am the perfectionist that sees any drop as devastating. What it has been doing to me is making me exhausted when I'm home, not enjoying life as I should. I have to realize a little slip should be looked as time to adjust, not a catastrophe. I must destress to enable myself to think of better solutions to get the job done. As they say, work smarter, not harder.
I have been noted by many supervisors how I am hard on myself. I'm an overachiever that wants to prove I can be just like anyone else and prove I can over come the issues and problems that come my way to be normal. However, sometimes I loose sight of that because I'm so busy and too involved with over achieving that it sometimes appears as the opposite. Some people think I under achieve, not realizing I have burned myself out. That has happened to a few job, but isn't what is happening currently. If anything I need to de-stress myself to find a balance. This loss is teaching me how to find the right balance.
Another issue that came up was I realized most of my life, people have felt sorry for me, teachers did in high school so their bar of expectations was low. My high school seemed to look at me as the little handicapped girl with all these issues. Poor girl lost her vision in her right eye. Let's just let her through and graduate. But unfortunately my skills were poor and I had to take extra courses in college to bring myself up to par. Perception of others is amazing. I also experienced this other times in my life that people let me slide by because they felt sorry for me. I never learned how to determine excellence for myself since I had so many barriers to over come, which includes a barrier of perception of other people. No matter how hard I could work, I'm still a handicapped girl that people felt sorry for or admired me. How could I find the right balance of excellence for myself? Was I really that good? Or are they feeling sorry for me because I'm handicapped? Lower the admiration level because I have a handicapped. But when I do not achieve something as fast or quick as others, and people do not know the extent of my disability, then I'm remedial. So what am I? A person to be admired? or remedial? How can I judge myself when reality doesn't seem to take a part in my life, just perceptions.
Where does denial fit in all of this? Is it really denial or just oblivion? Where do I fit? Most people fit on a spectrum, but due to being handicapped, exceptions will play a role, but then I have nothing to compare. Am I an over achiever? Or am I just compensating for a loss and need to work harder to reach that goal? Where do I fall on the spectrum?
How do I face what my real loss? How can I know what my limitations are so I can compensate? I sometimes think I'm clueless of how my loss affects me. If I knew better I could compensate, or hide it more. Logically I think, I need to work at a good pace not to burn myself out, but will that then be under achieving? Am I the one that is obsessing my disability that maybe if I stopped looking at it as a factor, I could function at a reasonable pace in life. But instead, the disability becomes so much of who I am, that you can't determine where it ends and where I begin, or vise versa, where I end and the disability begins. It is so blended that to separate it to see who I really am is difficult. Makes is more obscure when my energy level fluctuates. Its a moving target.
So do I tell my work that I'm slipping and I see my work slipping? A co-worker advised not to tell. She says, "You are still performing fine and it is not an issue. No need to tell them anything personal about you as long as you are achieving the work." I think she was right. Why should I sabotage myself with something negative when my work over all hasn't suffered? If they don't ask, I will not tell.
Life goes forward regardless what is happening to me or what thoughts fill my mind. For me to move forward I can find new ways, and problem solve. No need to bring attention to the negative, but show the positive of moving forward. I can achieve. Doing this shows that what ever comes my way, I can handle it and deal with it. I want to avoid what happened to me in my high school. Poor little handicapped girl. I don't need sympathy and I'm not trying to solicit it either. I also do not want them to feel sorry and lower the performance bar. So if my performance is fine, I don't need to tell them anything. Move on. Use my energy to make my life better for me not bring me down with negativity. I need to stop defeating myself. I need to build myself up and that is my goal for now, to continue to build myself up.
How having a limitation has enabled me to see and hear the world better. It has given me things to think about and the value of life. Its time for a new perspective. That is to find my balance to work well, live well and create my home well just what anyone and everyone else needs to do in their lives.
I also contributed my fatigue to pushing myself to excel. I pushed so hard that I didn't set an end, I just kept pushing. I got lost in pushing, which stressed me. Anything my supervisor gave to me, I just took it and did it. Even if I was overwhelmed and getting behind, I still took it. He also liked that I did the work and he didn't have to push me to do it. I was the first person of choice because I got the work done. However, in the end, I was getting burned out from everything. Not one thing contributed to the burn out, just many things. I am also a new home owner and things at home were falling apart. The law mower belt fell off and my lawn is now nearly three feet high; the garbage disposal quit; the siding on my house warped from the last winter rains; I have a brick wall I have to put back from fixing a main water line. You know all those things, they are called life or the joys of being a homeowner.
A few months ago, I did know that my vision wasn't as good and perhaps my hearing aids need adjustments. I thought I was adjusting to the change, because I thought the ltitle drop had stopped. I expected life to work for me, my further loss had stopped so I could catch up. Life should work that way right? Sure I can adjust to this, bring out the positive thinking. But unfortunately, the drop didn't stop. It was continuous and I wasn't aware. It kept slipping and I was not only in denial, but fighting everything around me which overwhelmed me. Perhaps my declining senses was due to stress. If it is, some how I need to fix this. I kept trying to problem solve every step of the way, sometimes going in circles. How is the best way to get through all of this? I need to face the real issues head on and know what they are first. Though I was burning myself out trying to problem solve everything in my life. Everything from work, home and my health.
I miss friends. I have had many friend throughout the country, but for some reason San Diego seems to be different. People back away, instead of gravitating to me, like other places. I have tried a number of groups here in San Diego, but to no avail, it just hasn't been a good fit. Like the energies or frequencies are just not matching. Something is off.
I do not have a support group here in my home area. Simply, I'm so not jiving here in San Diego. I do have friends across the country I have met over the years, but their distance is disheartening sometimes. However here in San Diego, they arel distant, too busy, too something. No jiving happening here.
A month and a half ago I had a field vision test. It is this large round white ball, probably about two and a half feet in diameter. When you look in side, there is this lens at the opening to match your prescription. Inside, there are a bunch of little light bulbs around the inner part of this white ball. These light bulbs will flash one at a time and at different intensities. Like a hearing test of different tones and loudness, you press a button when you hear the tones. This field vision test is if you see the light, you press the button. The computer records the results. About a week after the test I saw my retina specialist. First being checked by the nurse, it was revealed read the eye chart at 20/80 in my left eye. Of course they were kind enough not to try and get a reading of my right eye. They knew that it had been removed. Some eye doctor offices try to get a reading out of an eye that doesn't exist. At least this place knows what they are doing and actually read past histories.
The nurse asked me if I have noticed any changes in my vision. I said, "Yes. I have noticed my contrast isn't as good as it use to be as I'm missing things." The doctor described the results of the test as "dimmer." What he meant by dimmer is the lights with less intensity, I was not detecting. The vision field test coincides with me noticing my contrast isn't as good. This is similar to a white film or a dirty window that you can't see as clear. Your contrast is distorted. Things are getting harder to detect. After this news, my heart was heavy. It was true that my vision has been getting worse, even recently. Even when you know something is different, sometimes we rationalize stress, bad day, late at night, long day etc. I won't know if it is any of these until I have another test in about a year.
What does this mean? And how has my functioning in my life changed? When I leave my keys on the counter and there are some items next to it. When I come back to find them after a few hours, I'm having a hard time finding the keys. They are lost among a variety of items, even if I'm looking straight at them. Although I have been visually impaired all my life, I have gotten use to functioning at a certain level. I had learned to adjust to compensate for difficulties in seeing or finding items. This is how I look for things today, but reality hits that now I have to adjust and change again to function under the new way I see. Unfortunately, just as I get use to this way, I will have to go through the whole emotional turmoil again, because I will have to adjust to a new level of vision and a new way of searching for keys.
When I'm in a hurry, I use my old methods, scanning the area in a hurry, missing my keys that are right in front of me. I need to slow down, take a breath and scan the area in a different way. I might even have to start using my hands to help compare, and actually see the items. I still have vision left, so I can still use my eye, but will need assistance of better light, hands and other means.
I also have to slow down, when I go grocery shopping. So many times I'm grabbing the wrong product, because I'm skimming the product like I use to when I had 20/50 vision. I'm accidentally grabbing the product that has the word "Light" on it. Any artificial sweetener added to make it "light" makes me nausea or sick. Today with the many choices, you have to read the labels so ever carefully. It is comical when I shop sometimes, an assistance dog with me, bored because I'm spending so much time reading labels. Yes, I hold the can about three inches from my face. While people read about two to three feet from their face. The more vision I loos, the more time I have to take for shopping. Some retail stockers and clerks are very kind to try and help.
Life as of late, has been exasperating and stressful. Sometimes I wish I could just go in the corner, curl up and just cry. It's overwhelming. Haven't I tried to over come my vision challenges enough? It's been a lifetime of ups and downs. Do I ever get a break from constantly adjusting? Being born legally blind, then regaining sight, then later becoming legally blind again, to regain sight, now on the decline again. Wee ha, what a ride! At least for my hearing, it has slowly, but consistently gotten worse. Not that this is easy to handle, but at least it has been constant. Not like my vision, who knows what will happen.
My life has been for a time, even. However, just when I have a grasp of my situation and I've gotten to the point I can function comfortably, my vision and/or hearing changes again. The cycle and process happens all over again. Adjust, change, adjust, change, adjust, change over and over. I'm tired, I want to rest.
I had a hearing test four days ago. I thought it would be the same but found a slight drop. The audio gram instead of starting 250 Hz at 40 db loss, it is now 50db loss. "db" is for decibels, which is how loud a particular tone is during testing. The larger the number, the louder the sound. The tone is in Hz, which is frequency measured in hertz.
When I was a little girl 250 started at a 20db loss. As I heard normal in that tone, but higher frequencies I did have a mild to moderate loss. In about high school 250 Hz slip to 30 db and stayed there for over a decade, then 40db. It this age? Well, hard to prove that it is age. Would they consider this age when I had a difference from elementary school having a mild to moderate loss to a young adult in my 20's a moderate to severe loss? This loss actually has been fairly consistent since I was a child, so I don't contribute it to being old, but the process of loosing hearing over time. Having the connective tissue syndrome called Stickler's, this is also a contributors. I also wonder about hearing aids as they really boost up sounds. They say constant loud noises, like hearing aids can cause hearing loss over time. I've worn hearing aids since I was in second grade.
The loss of both hearing and vision together is a blow. One at a time, I can try to adjust and keep up with the losses, but both is overwhelming. This past month has been hard and again, I just sometimes want to curl under a table in the corner and just cry.
I have confided with a co-worker what was happening. As I told her tears just kept running down my face and I tried so hard to keep a non emotional response, but I was just too upset. My fear, how is this going to affect my world?
The co-worker told me that yeah, you did slip, but you are such an over achiever that you slipped this much, and she holds up her hand showing the space of a little more than an inch. She also mentioned, "But Christy see this slip as this much." She holds up both hands showing the space of one and a half feet. She said the small slip that is really happening, most likely people are not seeing and it goes undetected, but Christy sees it as a foot and a half.
In other words, I am so hard on myself that I see the drop as huge. As disaster, as stressful. I am one who wants to over achieve, I am the perfectionist that sees any drop as devastating. What it has been doing to me is making me exhausted when I'm home, not enjoying life as I should. I have to realize a little slip should be looked as time to adjust, not a catastrophe. I must destress to enable myself to think of better solutions to get the job done. As they say, work smarter, not harder.
I have been noted by many supervisors how I am hard on myself. I'm an overachiever that wants to prove I can be just like anyone else and prove I can over come the issues and problems that come my way to be normal. However, sometimes I loose sight of that because I'm so busy and too involved with over achieving that it sometimes appears as the opposite. Some people think I under achieve, not realizing I have burned myself out. That has happened to a few job, but isn't what is happening currently. If anything I need to de-stress myself to find a balance. This loss is teaching me how to find the right balance.
Another issue that came up was I realized most of my life, people have felt sorry for me, teachers did in high school so their bar of expectations was low. My high school seemed to look at me as the little handicapped girl with all these issues. Poor girl lost her vision in her right eye. Let's just let her through and graduate. But unfortunately my skills were poor and I had to take extra courses in college to bring myself up to par. Perception of others is amazing. I also experienced this other times in my life that people let me slide by because they felt sorry for me. I never learned how to determine excellence for myself since I had so many barriers to over come, which includes a barrier of perception of other people. No matter how hard I could work, I'm still a handicapped girl that people felt sorry for or admired me. How could I find the right balance of excellence for myself? Was I really that good? Or are they feeling sorry for me because I'm handicapped? Lower the admiration level because I have a handicapped. But when I do not achieve something as fast or quick as others, and people do not know the extent of my disability, then I'm remedial. So what am I? A person to be admired? or remedial? How can I judge myself when reality doesn't seem to take a part in my life, just perceptions.
Where does denial fit in all of this? Is it really denial or just oblivion? Where do I fit? Most people fit on a spectrum, but due to being handicapped, exceptions will play a role, but then I have nothing to compare. Am I an over achiever? Or am I just compensating for a loss and need to work harder to reach that goal? Where do I fall on the spectrum?
How do I face what my real loss? How can I know what my limitations are so I can compensate? I sometimes think I'm clueless of how my loss affects me. If I knew better I could compensate, or hide it more. Logically I think, I need to work at a good pace not to burn myself out, but will that then be under achieving? Am I the one that is obsessing my disability that maybe if I stopped looking at it as a factor, I could function at a reasonable pace in life. But instead, the disability becomes so much of who I am, that you can't determine where it ends and where I begin, or vise versa, where I end and the disability begins. It is so blended that to separate it to see who I really am is difficult. Makes is more obscure when my energy level fluctuates. Its a moving target.
So do I tell my work that I'm slipping and I see my work slipping? A co-worker advised not to tell. She says, "You are still performing fine and it is not an issue. No need to tell them anything personal about you as long as you are achieving the work." I think she was right. Why should I sabotage myself with something negative when my work over all hasn't suffered? If they don't ask, I will not tell.
Life goes forward regardless what is happening to me or what thoughts fill my mind. For me to move forward I can find new ways, and problem solve. No need to bring attention to the negative, but show the positive of moving forward. I can achieve. Doing this shows that what ever comes my way, I can handle it and deal with it. I want to avoid what happened to me in my high school. Poor little handicapped girl. I don't need sympathy and I'm not trying to solicit it either. I also do not want them to feel sorry and lower the performance bar. So if my performance is fine, I don't need to tell them anything. Move on. Use my energy to make my life better for me not bring me down with negativity. I need to stop defeating myself. I need to build myself up and that is my goal for now, to continue to build myself up.
How having a limitation has enabled me to see and hear the world better. It has given me things to think about and the value of life. Its time for a new perspective. That is to find my balance to work well, live well and create my home well just what anyone and everyone else needs to do in their lives.
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