To make change, we must change first

If we want change, we must change first. If something is not going as planned or life is out of balance, change. While something is tipping over, we try to adjust the situation to get things back on balance. Thus we must act, we must change or do something, to get back on balance again. Sometimes we are successful, sometimes we are not, sometimes it just takes a lot of attempts to get there. What will work to keep this item from tipping? We problem solve, work it and keep thinking about it until it item is balanced again. It can take an hour, day, week, month, year, years or maybe even a decade or more before a solution to the problem is found. Success doesn't quit, that's why there is always success, regardless the time it took.

For personal interactions that are not smooth, finding solutions can be easy or difficult. We could be unaware that a change is needed, and not understand that our lives need better balance. Some people go through their whole lives, unbalanced and never knew how to get balanced. Others know they do not have balance, but have challenges in finding their balance. Then give up and go as they have been doing. Then the ones who are out of balance, let go and try to find a solution and when they find it, their life is happy and fulfilled.

A simple tweak can do wonders in a situation, while in another, a major change maybe needed. How do we know what is needed? Are we perceptive enough to find the right change? We can go through life feeling a pseudo balance, not realizing we need balance, and a major challenge comes in our lives. The test, to knock the pseudo balance out of the way so we can face reality. We struggle and are baffled because we thought we had peace and balance. Something is wrong. What happened? I don't have the control of myself I thought I had. We struggle in pain, but then one day, we let go and realize we need to do the change that is needed to get a real balanced life.

Interacting with people can be exhilarating or it can be taxing, depending on the person or their state at the time. Some people bend with you, others dictate that you must approach them in a certain way, or they will shut you out. A person may have a communication style that maybe perfect in one setting, and repulsive in another. It doesn't seem fair that people cannot accept us who we are, but if you are in a situation where you must work with someone who sees you as repulsive, you may have to suck it up and just change to make the situation less stressful.

Why can't people accept me for who I am? You can say that until the cows come home, but the truth of the matter, if you want something to change, you must change first. If you are not connecting with someone and you want to resolve the situation, you must change first. Put the resentment aside, or put the guard down. Take a deep  breath and let the nervousness flow out. Bring more positive energy to yourself. This will set you up for better success to be receptive to the other person. Look for clues in their facial expression, inflection of their voice or body language. For a deaf-blind person this can be challenging as you have to get closer to the person to get the signals they are showing. This can be challenging as you need to respect personal space.

As for anyone who has limitations in communication skills, like a hearing loss or vision loss, the burden is always on us to change. The burden on us to communicate carefully our needs. Let people know that you must come closer. I have found turning sideways helps a person feel less intimidated and you can get closer to them. They will be at more ease as you are closer. It is also polite to come to eve level of a person to a wheelchair. Kneel down or sit in a chair. Do the same to someone who doesn't use a wheelchair. Make it an even mutual exchange. Just these simple changes can make a difference of someone being repulsive, so someone being receptive. It may take time, not only to find the right solution to connect, but to change your own behavior. Breaking old repulsive habits or learning how to use new ones. You may not find that right adjustment at first. Be patient with yourself and certainly be patient with the other person. Don't take it personally. The more you take it personally, the more the other person will sense it and back off. Taking something personally is negative energy that everyone can deal without. That puts barriers into communication.

A deaf-blind person or an in-between deaf-blind person has to adjust in many ways. They are different and have to adjust themselves to overcome the different label. What will make you cool or approachable?

Remembering where you came from...

      Yesterday I was able to meet up with some friends I haven't seen in years. They were a part of my childhood. A time that is so different from now. When you are kids, you are carefree, what troubles you is so different than when you are an adult. Two people I saw yesterday, I haven't seen since I was in elementary school, the other one I haven't seen since I was about nineteen years old. They brought a sense of reality of  who I am and where I came from. This enabled me to see through the heaviness that has surrounded me.

       The past three and a half years have been very hard. I'm around people with repelling energy, they are wrapped up in surviving the rat race. They still hang on to the social structures you learned in middle school or high school to survive. Struggling to be the top leader or trying to be in the "in" group, while ostracizing others. Similar to a sorority or fraternity, to show we are somebody; you are nothing. It is survival. They make judgements, they gossip and bond tighter with their "in" group. They feel secure and feel they are surviving the rat race. They use the targeted person as a scape goat to feel better. But this cycle just continues where full contentment is not reached. I'm the target, this is the type of world I live in every day. But, I was able to get out of this circle for a day. Go back in time and meet up with my past. A time that I was silly giddy. In my adult I have had segments that I was a very happy person, mostly when I was a park ranger. But, my journey took me some place else, a desk job where you are serious. No inspiring people, which actually does give me energy. However, I lost a little of myself in this desk job, being in the office politics, the rat race and lost in the struggle to survive. I'm naive in these types of environments and don't flourish well. Who wants to spend time around someone who is lost and can't play the game? Who wants to be around someone if they can't stay in-tune with the environment. I stand out way too much because I can't play the game, I'm naive, obviously I'm not one of them, so rejection is the best survival mode for them. No time to support or foster the naive person, just roll your eyes at them and hope they go away. It feels like negative energy. I'm ostracized, so I try to survive the best way I can.

But meeting up with my childhood friends, the giddy happy Christ was there, just waiting to come out. I had all this bundle of hyper energy I haven't used in quite awhile. Dying to get out and exploding with enthusiasm when I was around three people who allowed me to be me. How exhilarating. It felt good to be me.

       I realize that when you are in certain environments, you have to have certain composure, which is fine, but being around a lot of suppressed energy or judgements wears. I didn't realize how much it worn me down until yesterday visiting with the friends who brought me back to who I really am as a person. Your environment is important. Being ostracized, being the scape goat or the target, it wears. Even when you think positive, have confidence, you are human. You want a colleague. We all seek camaraderie, not ostracization. I've read many positive quotes, books and sayings trying to get through this, but how do you guard yourself from acid that slowly disintegrates your marble shape? I have changed and noticed that it has worn on me. I work very hard to counter act such an environment, but it is hard. Some days I don't have the energy to flip it off. Some days I'm able to step aside and let it fly by, but I still need to get done what I need to get done. I'm on my own. Very little support.

         In my life as a whole, I don't need more criticism of how I'm not the real Christy I have always been. Some days I'm just not my positive bundle of energy. I need help myself, I need a hand to help me get up after being knocked down so often. Sometimes I just need to be cranky about it to get through this. Some days I'm better than others. When you see my light shine, enjoy. When you don't, don't criticize me, know where I am coming from, that I just may need a kind word to bring me out again. Although I may seem negative, abrupt or not as giddy as I have been, I'm worn, I'm tired. I need to be refreshed. It takes so much energy to shine through the darkness, meet me part of the way and I will ensure to brightness comes through and then some. I'm just in survival mode. I get enough criticism that I am not in a trusting mode. Don't misunderstand me, I just need to change my mode, turn off survival mode and get into happy mode. Sometimes I don't know when to flip that switch when I"m tired.

           Yesterday seeing these nice friends allowed me to turn on my flood lights, maybe I was too bright, but it felt good from my perspective. I been with more energy I haven't seen within myself in ages. Which gives me an idea the type of person I am, for me it is very important for me to choose who is around me. Other people do not have the nerve endings in their external. Because they do not, they cannot understand someone like me, they think I can ignore it. They don't understand that is like trying to ignore finger nails down an old fashion chalk board or a screeching sounds of brakes in a truck. Some things you cannot block out depending of your make up and who you are, it is very arrogant and short sighted of people to try to tell you how to operate, when you are not the same, nor do you have the same neuron endings or communication pathways. It is like telling someone that has eaten a lot of sugar to calm down. Kind of hard.

         I do believe we all emit energy. Some emit great auras of energy, where each one is different. Some people don't understand energies or frequencies that are different. Something different, something they either do not understand or fear. When you are around people who understand your energy, life is great. Life is fulfilled. But when feared, judgement may cloud and interfere with such resonance and cause great distorted sound. Sometimes all you need to do is play together, find the right notes and you can make beautiful music. Just takes a little effort in being open to understand. Like two musicians getting together for the first time. Both have different styles, but they start out awkward. They both listen to each other and before long, they make that connection and the song echos through the air. They were open, they didn't fear to try something new or to try and connect to something different. They are both musicians, love music and will work together to play.

I have been intimidated, suppressed and knocked down, and all I want to do is survive. I don't want to fight, but yet, I have to be on guard for the next surprised. I come in peace. Let me get by.  When I am in survival mode, I am not me, I am using my energies to survive. I am on guard, where I am in survival mode so often, I do not turn that switch off. Forget I'm in this non-social mode. I come home, try to socialize in social media, but fail because I didn't turn the switch off. People get turned off from me. I'm not seeing what I'm writing because I'm tired, I can't see very well. I am so spent, I am not even aware of what is happening. My communication is poor, people misunderstand my intentions. They judge me and misinterpret me. They don't want to connect other than to criticize what I did wrong, which puts me in further survival mode. I've been in survival mode for so long, I have forgotten what it is to be me. Everyone shoving me away because they can't understand nor want to know me. They just take the surface of me, and make judgement. I'm alone. You wonder why this is happening. Things are not blending. Peace is not there. You are in the wrong environment, the wrong surrounding. Everyone then starts to be a threat to me. Who can I trust? They do not want to see the happy giddy me, they prefer to make judgements. How could a geographical place have so much of this intensity? Other places I have lived, you would get some people who would ostracize, make judgements about you, but it feels like all this energy around you is this way. I don't think it is a matter of me or them, but a matter of we are different and effort to meet is not happening. I try to meet, I try to shed some understanding, but they don't listen. My energy level drops ad the days, months and years go by. After so much time, my happy giddy self is stuffed some where, forgotten because I have been in survival mode for so song. Where is she? I know a part of me is upbeat, happy, delight and inspirational. Where is she?

The people I met up with yesterday brought me out, unknowingly, but their shear acceptance and delight to see me enabled me to come out. Come out of darkness after a long time. They were safe.

         The past week I realized I need to take action and move. I have given San Diego my best. It is not on the same frequency as me. It is like two cords that sound together and create tension or an ear sore. I do not have melody here. No matter what I do, how I communicate, it is wrong. I'm tense, and anything I do, will just continue to get worse.  When I am in the right place, I do create melody and harmony. It is effortless. But here while I have been in San Diego, I kept trying, over and over and the melodies are not coming, my efforts make it worse as it is more strained, more forced and not flowing. What they heck is going on here? I denied it, I can make it work. I can think all positive, I can think all great attitude. To no avail, it is not working. Time to stop forcing it. Time to let it flow, the answer comes, it is time to move on.

This isn't anything against San Diego. It has many wonderful qualities. It is a beautiful city by the Pacific and many great things that happen here like large off lead dog parks, dog beach, a mall you can shop with your dog and more. However, this city and I do not have the frequencies to develop a wonderful melody. I have lived other places that this has happened. Places where my energy runs free and flowing. Effortless. This is what yesterday reminded me of, with the friends. It didn't matter what I said, I didn't have to worry, I was accepted. This is how life should be, a circle of friends who are there for you, not being around constant judgement that you are just going to fail, and continue to do so from the stress.

           I think the agency where I work is a good one, I know my energy frequencies doesn't match with my co-workers, where I work now. I have been in other parts of my agency and was able to blend well. This isn't anything against them or me, each person has a different set of energies. When you hit a key on the piano, then another, you will either get two keys that blend well or two keys that do not.  Especially if the piano is out of tune. This is life. One needs to be in the position to change to make the melody, but when one doesn't want to change, it makes it hard.

       Life is that some keys play well together, some keys don't. Some keys are pleasing for some, while not others. Just like genre of music, some is music to your ears, while other genres or types or artists are ear sores. When the mismatch happens, it takes too much energy to peacefully live. When it does match, it is effortless, joyful, peaceful, and definitely fulfilling. I miss those places. Time to move on and vibrate with a matching energy. I see the conflict of energies here a way of telling me my journey is better suited some place else. Some would call this metaphysical, some would call this God, some would just call it, get the hey out of town and don't look back! Regardless, I'm open enough to know it is not me, which I did look first, and then now it is time to move on. I did my best.

            I am going to transfer north. I've always been drawn north and noticed that I have more friends north. It feels right and the city I pick, I think the old Christy will come back. She will be there. She will come out. She will be free, and her natural way of connecting with people will come out instead of messing up under stress, fear and fatigue. She will have less fatigue because she will be more free. I will be leaving San Diego soon. I can't wait and I know it is right. The irony is I had to remember where I came from to know it is right I need to move on to find my music and balance.

More revelations and changes

    For the past several months I have been describing how challenging things are with having a hearing and vision loss through my blog. I described how I felt isolated from my world and growing up having the duel disability. I communicated how recently things have been a challenge, such as the distance of other people, or me just not jiving with people around me, among many other things. I didn't realize while during writing this blog, my vision and hearing were still getting worse. I wasn't only explaining the past, but also was explaining the present. I contributed to feeling more fatigue from having a job where I over used my eye on the computer, and dealing with the various political personalities at work, this has also added stress to my life. To think that I struggled with jobs in the past with trying to read, but that only consisted of 50% of the job or less. Now reading consists of about 90% of the job. Of course people would think, why didn't I try to get a job that didn't use my eye so much? I did. Unfortunately those jobs I applied were highly competitive and I had to take the  job that offered me a job.

     I also contributed my fatigue to pushing myself to excel. I pushed so hard that I didn't set an end, I just kept pushing. I got lost in pushing, which stressed me. Anything my supervisor gave to me, I just took it and did it. Even if I was overwhelmed and getting behind, I still took it. He also liked that I did the work and he didn't have to push me to do it. I was the first person of choice because I got the work done. However, in the end, I was getting burned out from everything. Not one thing contributed to the burn out, just many things. I am also a new home owner and things at home were falling apart. The law mower belt fell off and my lawn is now nearly three feet high; the garbage disposal quit; the siding on my house warped from the last winter rains; I have a brick wall I have to put back from fixing a main water line. You know all those things, they are called life or the joys of being a homeowner.

      A few months ago, I did know that my vision wasn't as good and perhaps my hearing aids need adjustments. I thought I was adjusting to the change, because I thought the ltitle drop had stopped. I expected life to work for me, my further loss had stopped so I could catch up. Life should work that way right? Sure I can adjust to this, bring out the positive thinking. But unfortunately, the drop didn't stop. It was continuous and I wasn't aware. It kept slipping and I was not only in denial, but fighting everything around me which overwhelmed me. Perhaps my declining senses was due to stress. If it is, some how I need to fix this. I kept trying to problem solve every step of the way, sometimes going in circles. How is the best way to get through all of this? I need to face the real issues head on and know what they are first. Though I was burning myself out trying to problem solve everything in my life. Everything from work, home and my health.

       I miss friends. I have had many friend throughout the country, but for some reason San Diego seems to be different. People back away, instead of gravitating to me, like other places. I have tried a number of groups here in San Diego, but to no avail, it just hasn't been a good fit. Like the energies or frequencies are just not matching. Something is off.

        I do not have a support group here in my home area. Simply, I'm so not jiving here in San Diego. I do have friends across the country I have met over the years, but their distance is disheartening sometimes. However here in San Diego, they arel distant, too busy, too something. No jiving happening here.

     A month and a half ago I had a field vision test. It is this large round white ball, probably about two and a half feet in diameter. When you look in side, there is this lens at the opening to match your prescription. Inside, there are a bunch of little light bulbs around the inner part of this white ball. These light bulbs will flash one at a time and at different intensities. Like a hearing test of different tones and loudness, you press a button when you hear the tones. This field vision test is if you see the light, you press the button. The computer records the results. About a week after the test I saw my retina specialist. First being checked by the nurse, it was  revealed read the eye chart at 20/80 in my left eye. Of course they were kind enough not to try and get a reading of my right eye. They knew that it had been removed. Some eye doctor offices try to get a reading out of an eye that doesn't exist. At least this place knows what they are doing and actually read past histories.

      The nurse asked me if I have noticed any changes in my vision. I said, "Yes. I have noticed my contrast isn't as good as it use to be as I'm missing things."  The doctor described the results of the test as "dimmer." What he meant by dimmer is the lights with less intensity, I was not detecting. The vision field test coincides with me noticing my contrast isn't as good. This is similar to a white film or a dirty window that you can't see as clear. Your contrast is distorted. Things are getting harder to detect. After this news, my heart was heavy. It was true that my vision has been getting worse, even recently. Even when you know something is different, sometimes we rationalize stress, bad day, late at night, long day etc. I won't know if it is any of these until I have another test in about a year.
      What does this mean? And how has my functioning in my life changed? When I leave my keys on the counter and there are some items next to it. When I come back to find them after a few hours, I'm having a hard time finding the keys. They are lost among a variety of items, even if I'm looking straight at them. Although I have been visually impaired all my life, I have gotten use to functioning at a certain level. I had learned to adjust to compensate for difficulties in seeing or finding items. This is how I look for things today, but reality hits that now I have to adjust and change again to function under the new way I see. Unfortunately, just as I get use to this way, I will have to go through the whole emotional turmoil again, because I will have to adjust to a new level of vision and a new way of searching for keys.

      When I'm in a hurry, I use my old methods, scanning the area in a hurry, missing my keys that are right in front of me. I need to slow down, take a breath and scan the area in a different way. I might even have to start using my hands to help compare, and actually see the items. I still have vision left, so I can still use my eye, but will need assistance of better light, hands and other means.

        I also have to slow down, when I go grocery shopping. So many times I'm grabbing the wrong product, because I'm skimming the product like I use to when I had 20/50 vision. I'm accidentally grabbing the product that has the word  "Light" on it. Any artificial sweetener added to make it "light" makes me nausea or sick. Today with the many choices, you have to read the labels so ever carefully. It is comical when I shop sometimes, an assistance dog with me, bored because I'm spending so much time reading labels. Yes, I hold the can about three inches from my face. While people read about two to three feet from their face. The more vision I loos, the more time I have to take for shopping. Some retail stockers and clerks are very kind to try and help.
       Life as of late, has been exasperating and stressful. Sometimes I wish I could just go in the corner, curl up and just cry. It's overwhelming. Haven't I tried to over come my vision challenges enough? It's been a lifetime of ups and downs. Do I ever get a break from constantly adjusting? Being born legally blind, then regaining sight, then later becoming legally blind again, to regain sight, now on the decline again. Wee ha, what a ride! At least for my hearing, it has slowly, but consistently gotten worse. Not that this is easy to handle, but at least it has been constant. Not like my vision, who knows what will happen.

       My life has been for a time, even. However, just when I have a grasp of my situation and I've gotten to the point I can function comfortably, my vision and/or hearing changes again. The cycle and process happens all over again. Adjust, change, adjust, change, adjust, change  over and over. I'm tired, I want to rest.

        I had a hearing test four days ago. I thought it would be the same but found a slight drop. The audio gram instead of starting 250 Hz at 40 db loss, it is now 50db loss. "db" is for decibels, which is how loud a particular tone is during testing. The larger the number, the louder the sound. The tone is in Hz, which is frequency measured in hertz.

       When I was a little girl 250 started at a 20db loss. As I heard normal in that tone, but higher frequencies I did have a mild to moderate loss. In about high school 250 Hz slip to 30 db and stayed there for over a decade, then 40db. It this age? Well, hard to prove that it is age. Would they consider this age when I had a difference from elementary school having a mild to moderate loss to a young adult in my 20's a moderate to severe loss? This loss actually has been fairly consistent since I was a child, so I don't contribute it to being old,  but the process of loosing hearing over time. Having the connective tissue syndrome called Stickler's, this is also a contributors. I also wonder about hearing aids as they really boost up sounds. They say constant loud noises, like hearing aids can cause hearing loss over time.  I've worn hearing aids since I was in second grade.

         The loss of both hearing and vision together is a blow. One at a time, I can try to adjust and keep up with the losses, but both is overwhelming. This past month has been hard and again, I just sometimes want to curl under a table in the corner and just cry.  

         I have confided with a co-worker what was happening. As I told her tears just kept running down my face and I tried so hard to keep a non emotional response, but I was just too upset. My fear, how is this going to affect my world?

        The co-worker told me that yeah, you did slip, but you are such an over achiever that you slipped this much, and she holds up her hand showing the space of a little more than an inch. She also mentioned, "But Christy see this slip as this much." She holds up both hands showing the space of one and a half feet. She said the small slip that is really happening, most likely people are not seeing and it goes undetected, but Christy sees it as a foot and a half.

         In other words, I am so hard on myself that I see the drop as huge. As disaster, as stressful. I am one who wants to over achieve, I am the perfectionist that sees any drop as devastating. What it has been doing to me is making me exhausted when I'm home, not enjoying life as I should. I have to realize a little slip should be looked as time to adjust, not a catastrophe. I must destress to enable myself to think of better solutions to get the job done. As they say, work smarter, not harder.

         I have been noted by many supervisors how I am hard on myself. I'm an overachiever that wants to prove I can be just like anyone else and prove I can over come the issues and problems that come my way to be normal. However, sometimes I loose sight of that because I'm so busy and too involved with over achieving that it sometimes appears as the opposite. Some people think I under achieve, not realizing I have burned myself out. That has happened to a few job, but isn't what is happening currently. If anything I need to de-stress myself to find a balance. This loss is teaching me how to find the right balance.

          Another issue that came up was I realized most of my life, people have felt sorry for me, teachers did in high school so their bar of expectations was low. My high school seemed to look at me as the little handicapped girl with all these issues. Poor girl lost her vision in her right eye. Let's just let her through and graduate. But unfortunately my skills were poor and I had to take extra courses in college to bring myself up to par. Perception of others is amazing. I also experienced this other times in my life that people let me slide by because they felt sorry for me. I never learned how to determine excellence for myself since I had so many barriers to over come, which includes a barrier of perception of other people. No matter how hard I could work, I'm still a handicapped girl that people felt sorry for or admired me. How could I find the right balance of excellence for myself? Was I really that good? Or are they feeling sorry for me because I'm handicapped? Lower the admiration level because I have a handicapped. But when I do not achieve something as fast or quick as others, and people do not know the extent of my disability, then I'm remedial. So what am I? A person to be admired? or remedial? How can I judge myself when reality doesn't seem to take a part in my life, just perceptions.

         Where does denial fit in all of this? Is it really denial or just oblivion? Where do I fit? Most people fit on a spectrum, but due to being handicapped, exceptions will play a role, but then I have nothing to compare. Am I an over achiever? Or am I just compensating for a loss and need to work harder to reach that goal? Where do I fall on the spectrum?

         How do I face what my real loss? How can I know what my limitations are so I can compensate? I sometimes think I'm clueless of how my loss affects me. If I knew better I could compensate, or hide it more. Logically I think, I need to work at a good pace not to burn myself out, but will that then be under achieving? Am I the one that is obsessing my disability that maybe if I stopped looking at it as a factor, I could function at a reasonable pace in life. But instead, the disability becomes so much of who I am, that you can't determine where it ends and where I begin, or vise versa, where I end and the disability begins. It is so blended that to separate it to see who I really am is difficult. Makes is more obscure when my energy level fluctuates. Its a moving target.

         So do I tell my work that I'm slipping and I see my work slipping? A co-worker advised not to tell. She says, "You are still performing fine and it is not an issue. No need to tell them anything personal about you as long as you are achieving the work." I think she was right. Why should I sabotage myself with something negative when my work over all hasn't suffered? If they don't ask, I will not tell.

          Life goes forward regardless what is happening to me or what thoughts fill my mind. For me to move forward I can find new ways, and problem solve. No need to bring attention to the negative, but show the positive of moving forward. I can achieve. Doing this shows that what ever comes my way, I can handle it and deal with it. I want to avoid what happened to me in my high school. Poor little handicapped girl. I don't need sympathy and I'm not trying to solicit it either. I also do not want them to feel sorry and lower the performance bar. So if my performance is fine, I don't need to tell them anything. Move on. Use my energy to make my life better for me not bring me down with negativity. I need to stop defeating myself. I need to build myself up and that is my goal for now, to continue to build myself up.

         How having a limitation has enabled me to see and hear the world better. It has given me things to think about and the value of life. Its time for a new perspective. That is to find my balance to work well, live well and create my home well just what anyone and everyone else needs to do in their lives.

Don't always believe other's judgements

     We are certainly social creatures, but we also have to stand with confidence to make our own mind. Take what people say as information to add to your decision, not to be fact to judge another person.

      Years ago, I wanted to meet Rocky because he was liked by so many others. I like meeting new people. I was at the Foundation for the Junior Blind's youth center in Los Angeles. From a distance I saw Rocky and thought this would be an opportunity to meet someone I've heard so much about. Me being a social butterfly, I got up and was going to go over to introduce myself, but my friend stopped me. She said he was rude to her and she felt he was a mean person. I stopped and went "oh." I was either 12 or 13 at the time and I didn't go forward, but took my friends word. Now I regret not going over to meet Rocky. Shortly after this incident, Rocky passed away in 1978 and I never got to meet him.

      A few years later they made a movie of Rocky's story with Cher playing the mother, Eric Stoltz playing Rockey and Sam Elliot playing the motorcycle boyfriend to Rocky's mother. The movie came out in the mid-80's. I actually was on the set for the movie, and at meal times got to meet Sam Elliot and Eric Stoltz. Cher is shy, but did get to walk right past her in her red curly hair. During the filing, I mostly was in the background during the Camp Bloomfield scenes.

      Rocky had a condition called craniodiaphyseal dysplasia, same as what the Elephant Man had. It is excessive growth of the skull causing gross disfiguration of the head. From the movie, my friend and I discovered that Rocky had many severe headaches from his skull growing and moving. Then my friend realized the reason he probably was mean to her. His head was really hurting. My friend explained that he said something to her like, "Get out of here kid!" while holding his head in his hands. My friend took offense, but didn't realize Rocky was in severe pain at that moment.

       We must not make judgements of a situation as it may not be what we think. I missed out on meeting someone because I didn't realize that I can make my own judgements and own decisions. A lesson learned at age twelve or thirteen. This scene has been carried with me through my life. Others can have their own opinion and I will listen, but sometimes they may not have all the pieces or the facts about that person. I'm the type of person who likes to connect to people. I like to learn about people. I missed my chance with Rocky.

        I can relate to this experience as many people make quick judgements about me. That I hear better than I lead on, or many other things. I've worked hard over the years to have an open mind and learn the person. I do not like being judged so incorrectly, I will work hard not to judge others. You never know when you might miss a chance of meeting someone extroardinary due to judgement getting in the way.

I'm a walking fur ball

     Roommates and co-workers. How to live and work with them when you are a walking fur ball.

     When I started college, I also started the wonderful world of roommates. It can be challenging to learn  how to live with other people. One thing I have learned out of the several roommates I have had, each female thinks she cleans better than anyone else. Didn't matter what roommate I had, they as an individual, always felt they cleaned better than anyone else. You can never be as good as them, do as well as them and they certainly like to point out that you do not measure up to them.

         I had one roommate who would get so mad that I would leave "hair" in the shower. I don't mean the accumulation of hair that goes to the drain, I can see that, they would get upset if they saw a hair on the wall of the shower. I looked puzzled at them and another roommate popped up and said, "She doesn't see it!" I went to the shower, looking about 4 inches from the wall, scanning the shower wall for the one strand of hair. After awhile, I found "the" hair. Good grief, someone all bent out of shape about one hair, that I can't see. I have to scan the shower wall for 15 minutes to find it. Oh forget this, they will just have to deal with it. I will clean the wall the best I can, if I miss it, I miss it. Life goes on.

           I had another roommate that thought it was funny to watch me clean. She said you would wipe one area three times missing the dirt! She realized that I clean differently than others. I actually do. Even though I do have vision, I more or less go by feel. I've had people who can see well, but I go up and feel it with my hands and think it was dirty. But sight wise it was clean. So different perspectives.

              I know I have had roommates get upset that I wasn't "clean" and it wasn't that I wasn't clean per se, I just couldn't see the dirt, hair or small particles. Though, I could feel the dirt, which they didn't realize was there. If I can't feel it, then it is "out of sight, out of mind" literally. This does pose tension with roommates and even co-workers. Some never say anything, just thinking that I'm rude, selfish, weird or just a dirty pig. I do try to clean the best I can, I will do work like mop floors, vacuum, etc. but it just doesn't seem to be enough for people. Feels fine to me, but it also have to be "visually" clean. Ironic since most germs are undetectable to the eye. My roommates could never bring themselves to tell me. Cleaning is a touchy subject with females it seems.

              This also happens with my cloths as well. I will brush my teeth or drink a smoothie not realizing I spilled on my shirt. I will even look down and cannot see the spill or the drip. Then when I go outside in good bright sunlight, I see the spot or the mess. OH MAN! Many times I have gone to work with spots and dribbles and not even know they are there. Then mid-morning I will go outside in the sunlight to take Divine, my hearing dog, outside for a potty, I look down and on my shirt there is the dribble, spot or something.

               I'm also a walking fur ball. The fine under coat of my dogs will be on my paints or shirt that I cannot see. Out of sight, out of mind. I know people see it, and all they do is make internal judgements and go to other people to make such judgements. When you are in-between deaf-blind, you sometimes are so exhausted from trying to overcome everything and to try and remember something to do that you can't see to cue you in to take care of it, it is exhausting. Remembering fur is just another added thing to think about. People take for granted that most of the things they do is visual. They get visual reminders to groom themselves. Besides, that is mostly what grooming is, visual and we certainly make judgements if someone can't groom themselves perfectly or if they miss something. It is almost like I need to find a kind person to not make me feel patronized to check me in the morning. Anyone else with sight thinks this is a great idea, but be in the shoes of this person. Not being groomed is associated with how intelligent, or professional or many other things. Even if you have an excuse you cannot see the fur balls, spills, wrinkles or many other things on your cloths, people will make a judgement on you that is certainly demeaning. Any person wants to be independent and respected. The balance of learning how to find someone to "scan" you over every day without feeling demeaned or patronized.

               Of course  you must have humor, but it also takes being around people who understand. Trying to go against the grain of judgemental people is tiresome. You feel their negative energy. With their uneasiness, they would rather avoid the person who is the walking fur ball. With most people with low vision, they would rather stay in their homes and forget about the outside world and their criticism of all t he hair, dribbles and spots on you. Not everyone is crude, or mean, but even if you have a healthy confidence and healthy look at life, being around judgemental people does get very old. You wish you could be around people who were a bit more socially savvy, than socially stuck up.

               I'm a walking fur ball, I will have hair on me, I try to remember to use the roller on my cloths, sometimes I forget if it is out of sight, out of mind. I have many other things to remember since you have sight to cue you in what is needed, I have to remember to check the things that you take for granted and don't have to remember since you are subconsciously cued in, I'm not. I'm a walking fur ball. Get over it.

Gone to the Dogs

     My very first dog when I was a kid, was Freckles, an Australian Shepherd. I got him as a puppy. He was just like any other pet a family would have around the house. I didn't know how to train, either did my family. The things that dog trainers roll their eyes at. I did with Freckles. I was a kid, and certainly didn't know any better. Freckles had no recall, and eventually ran out in the street and got hit by a car. He was about two years old when that happened.

      Growing up in high school we had another family dog, Malena. She too was an Australian shepherd. My dad fed her peanuts all the time. She was fat and stunk. At this time my nose was tweaked towards dogs and didn't like stinky dogs. Amazing this dog lived to 16 years old.

        When I was in college, I was having a hard time hearing the emergency alarm in the dorms. At this time I used sign language interpreters for my classes. My vision was better and I had no idea an assistive listening device would be helpful for me. My sign language interpreter was telling me about hearing dogs. I thought they were for the completely deaf and not the hard-of-hearing. The interpreter encouraged me to apply.

        At this time I was really interested in getting a border collie. It was 1987, no one knew what this breed was and thought they were some mixed mutt. I found a lady who sold herding dogs and got Watson. We went through the Ann Salem Hearing Dog Program with the Riverside Humane Society. We had a 14 week class where we learned obedience and how to teach our dogs sound alerts. We trained our own dogs. There were 10 of us in the class. 

       During this time in my life, I had worked off and on at Veterinary Hospitals while attending college. I loved working with the dogs and tending to their care.

       I did moderate herding. I entered in a number of Novice-Novice trials. I did the best I could, but distance, was a challenge to see. I often wondered if I went to higher levels of competition if I could have the bioptic lens they have for people who have low vision. The trialing committee didn't like it when another woman tried to use a small telescope to see her dog. You had to use your bare eyes. This would put me at a severe disadvantage.

        I bought a second dog, Meg, who's full name I changed to Nutmeg. She was a red and white border collie. Very shy and very little confidence. I could work her on stock, but if anyone screamed, she was gone. I never trialed with her. She was such a timid dog she never interfered with Watson's hearing dog alerts. So we were a nice little family.

         At this time I felt like there was no other dog than the border collie. But, with Watson getting older and having severe hip dysplasia, I needed to look for another border collie to be my hearing dog. I searched high and low, tried a few dogs that didn't work out and even tried a puppy I named Jazz, short for Jasmine. Unfortunately at 4 months she had popping hip dysplasia and since I couldn't afford the surgery, I gave her back to the breeder. This really broke my heart and I couldn't stop crying. The breeder was upset that I returned her, but what could I do? I couldn't afford the surgery and her popping was bad. The breeder had the surgery performed and found a good home for her.

         During this time I was training with a service dog organization apprenticing as a service dog trainer. I trained a black lab, that later found he had seizures and had to be dropped from the program and I also trained an over size sheltie that looked like a miniature Lassie. The structure was definitely Collie and didn't have the dish head of a sheltie. His name was Bo.

          I was working for a dog groomer and had my own pet sitting business. I was doing agility with my sister's McNab Jolie. This was 1994. Agility was a new sport and the community was small. I had a lot of fun doing agility and knew I liked this much better than the regime of obedience. However, how I learned obedience was by choke chain in 1987. It was now 1994 and I had learned previously another method called Clicker Training. I was slowly transforming over. I had viewed the Karen Pryor and Gary Wilkes video and had been reading the Book Don't Shoot the Dog. What a neat new way of training. I was hooked.

          In 1995 I moved to Los Angeles and worked for the Federal Government working with wildlife. I was still looking for a successor dog to Watson. I tried a few more dogs that didnt' work out, two more border collies. I then found Reid, a red and white border collie. Again, I was a sucker, letting people push their dogs on me. When will Iearn? I didn't want to hurt other people's feelings. Reid only lasted two years as a service dog. He developed some chemical imbalance and serious aggression issues. After this experience and several border collies later, I felt that I need to try another breed. That's when I got a Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever. They look like miniature Golden Retrievers or Golden puppies. They are redder and most have a pink nose. They have strong personalities and know what they want. They are not as easy going as a Golden Retriever. They think more. I adored Rubi and she taught me a lot about Clicker Training. Some people would call her wilful, but through clicker training she taught me the meaning of reinforcement and how to get her to do behavior freely than with force. I got her in 1998. Due to her wanting to smell the flowers and had her own agenda, she was not a natural hearing dog. I was able to do a perfect back chain of teaching her a hearing dog alert. She would offer this if the set up was how she was trained, but in the middle of the night while I was sleeping, no. Thus, she was not a natural hearing dog. I had to get another.

           This is when I was first introduced to the Belgian Malinois. Three pups were dumped off to the SPCA in Los Angeles. I weakened and adopted one. Jewel. She was a more natural hearing dog. Unfortunately she was killed in a freak accident at age 5 in April 2004. The heart break of this was difficult. She is the one sitting in front of Salmon Glacier on this blog. She traveled to Alaska with me and back. She was a very quiet dog and hardly ever barked. Loosing her was a challenge to work through and a time I did not have ears to hear the world around me. Her big ears were like radars that turned for me to hear. The movement cued me into the world around me. I knew with this I needed a dog with up ears. So I decided to get another Belgian Malinois. It was hard to decide to go with another Malinois or get my own McNab. Since I only  had Jewel for 5 years, I decided to try another Malinois. I got Mickey.

            Mickey has a very outgoing personality. Much more personable than Jewel. He's vocal and very expressive, which some people do not take to very well. They think dogs should be quiet, that means they are obedient. Dogs that are vocal, expressive and full of energy are sometimes perceived as not well behaved. Sometimes it is that energy that people like to have to do higher active work. The creativeness of Mickey makes him an awesome working dog; he's certainly not a quiet docile pet. But I love this energy of Mickey. His connection to his environment makes him a fantastic hearing dog. I can hear! I see what he hears. His over expressive nature can be a nuisance to people. In some places, they love it too, in the workplace, depending on the people it may not be a problem. But my current workplace, it was a problem and I had to apply for a new dog.

             I got Divine in July 2010. She is a career changed guide dog that was donated to The Hearing Dog Program in San Francisco. She works very differently than Mickey. She's very quiet, which pleases my work. To transform her to be a more vivid dog is what I have had to do the past few months. She's learning how to be a hearing dog, after working all her life being primed as a guide dog. She's adorable and darling.

             Mickey still works for me. I take him out in the evening and on public transportation. He's quiet and fine in those environments. In many ways his ability to alert me to incidental things makes me feel connected to my world. I have both dogs now and love them dearly. I'm so fortunate that I have two great dogs with very different personalities. It makes life very interesting.

             I have also started a dog instruction business where I help people train their dogs.I will soon be competing in AKC obedience with Mickey and will also try Rally Obedience. It takes a lot of work to perfect your dog for the obedience exercises. Doing activities with your dogs is a lot of fun! I certainly  have gone to the dogs.

           

        

Ostracized

You would think that people today have progressed enough they wouldn’t ostracize those who are different. That people by now should have learned better social skills in their community and even in work. What happened to professionalism? But yet, we still have people today that shy away from something that is different, especially those with a disability. You would think that today with our advanced way of thinking, people wouldn't be hesitant to come up to someone who is blind, deaf, in a wheelchair, or even walks differently than the average person. Why do people feel uncomfortable about something different? People are even hesitant if a person dresses a certain way, wears their hair a certain way. What happened to look at a human being, rather than being judgemental of their external appearance? Even a well dressed person with first impression good social skills could be a sociopath that has engaged in criminal acts. If you try to get to see the human being you might see this, but yet, we live in a society that judges the book by it's cover, rather than reading its content to know what is really going on.

Why is anyone ostracized?

Maybe that is why prejudice is still around today. People still haven't learned how to deal with something that is different from them. The perceived threat.

I have to keep reminding myself to not let others define me. That I am a kind and gracious person. Their judgement is so strong, that it interferes in having an open mind to see the real me. Judgement can put a barrier in exploring your world. Judgement can hinder a sense of wonder. Judgement can be toxic and produce a negative aura. Judgement may not have all the correct facts. So if I know this, why is it so hard to blow off people who are judgemental and ostracize me? Why do I allow their problems smother me like a blanket that puts me in darkness and isolation? Why can't I have the same opportunities to connect with people? All humans are social beings that need interactions. Being robbed of this is difficult. You have to work harder in creating your own world.

When I was in third grade, I was mainstreamed from a blind school I attended. My family wanted me to socialize with kids that were not disabled and give me the opportunity to socialize in the norm. Be in the mainstream. The first half of the school year I went to a private Catholic school. I was horribly teased, ostracized and shunned in many ways. Kids would steal my lunch, play dirty tricks on me and use obscene language with me. I was bullied and nearly had the whole class picking on me. I told my mother I never wanted to attend that school again. I just didn't want to go anymore. My mother told Sister Josephine where she had the whole class write me apology notes for their behavior. I still didn't go back and went to a public school. Just as the Catholic school, at the public school I also got lost academically. The kids picked on me. In fact, I pcked on another kid. I don't know why I did that, perhaps being tired of being picked on all the time. I was sorry to late to apologize. Both schools were socially and academically too difficult for me so I returned to the blind school. The bulling, the ostracizing and picking on me was just too much for me to handle. I was not given any skills to handle these kids. What I lealrned as a young child that "normal" kids are really mean and being with my disabled peers is much better. I learned to over the years to really dislike "normal" kids.

Ostracizing is hard for anyone to accept, no matter who you are in this world. Some can adjust when it is once in awhile, but if it happens on a frequent basis, it is more difficult to blow it off. You get tired of facing this often that it is pretty much your whole life. How do you change this pain?

In the 1950's there are stories of deaf individuals who were put in mental institutions. This is because the deaf person was unable to communicate to a hearing person. The hearing person makes judgement of not being able to communicate with them, therefore, something must be wrong with them. It is perplexing that judgements of doctors put an functional human being that only needed a different way to communicate in a mental institution. They had no mental disability or learning disability, but were isolated from the world. Segregated just as the blacks were before the civil rights movement. The deaf who were put into the mental institutions were ostracized from society. They have lost their freedom. They are locked up because they were misunderstood due to a judgement by someone who is considered to have above average intelligence because they are a doctor. These deaf individuals were labeled that they didn't fit the norms of society, so let's lock them away in an institution since we don't know what to do with them.

For a child, this is locking them away from appropriate development. Emerging a person in the normal society enables them to develop a more normal lifestyle. I remember as a young child apart of a blind youth group, there was this one girl I knew in my carpool. Mary, not her real name, was very withdrawn, wasn't outgoing and always needed assistance to get around. I met her brother and sister and was appalled at how active and emerged in life they were, but how Mary couldn't handle a slop at a winter camp and freaked out as she lightly slipped on the pine needles. She was a teenager at the time. Mary wasn't totally blind either, she had some sight in both of her eyes. She also had hearing of an average person. I'm so fortunate that my parents allowed me to ride horses, climb trees, play on anything I desired. Sure, there was a chance I could get hurt, but there is a balance between over protection and normal development. Some people might think I was sheltered due to going to an elementary school for the blind, but compared to many other disabled children, I wasn't. Sadly, because Mary's parents didn't think she was capable, they smothered her to be not well adjusted. She was sheltered from normal development. How could she ever emerge in society? Society will ostracize her because she is different. Fortunately, I have been able to blend into society, but even me being a higher functioning disabled person, I still run into issues. I have challenges of ostracization and bullying too. It depends onthe people I'm with and who I am around.

In my later years, I was a Special Education Aide at a middle school. The boy I took care of was 12 years old and had a vocabulary with complete understanding of about three words. His family was told by the doctor that he has a mentality level of an infant. Being told the level of this child, that's all the family inspired to be around him. Even at age 12, they were still treating him like a small infant. They carried him, fed him and just treated him only what an infant can do. I had to be hired at the school because the previous special education aide couldn't stand being around him. She also ostracized him. Couldn't be around a boy that remedial. She had no desire to reach him or treat him like a human being. My goal was to reach this boy. It took me a month for me to realize he didn't understand consequences because everything has been done for him. He certainly had the capabilities to feed himself, but the family wouldn't take the time or the effort to teach him how to feed himself. In their minds, he was an infant, not a twelve year old boy they should have tried to teach years ago how to eat for himself. He would come to school with food all over his shirt since he fed himself with his hands like an infant does.

Another boy in the same school had a "difficult" mother. I say difficult because the school felt she was difficult. She was demanding in getting the best education for her special needs son. He received appropriate guidance. He probably had a vocabulary of 200 or more words. I didn't work with him that closely and his vocabulary could have been more. You walk up to him and he would make eye contact and say "Hi" and hold out his hand. His mother made sure he came to school impeccable. Always a clean shirt, always with colonge and looking very neat. The boy I worked with, if he had the same intense program, most likely would have been at the same functioning level as this other boy who had a mother who made sure her son got everything he needed. Although the better cared for boy will never be able to live on his own, at least he is functionable enough he could have a job or so something in society. The point is, the more richer your environment, regardless who you are, the better functioning that person will be, to ostracize is to rob a person of life.

Why is our society still this way? That the first idea towards a disabled person is to lock them away or segregate them? It does not hurt or damage anyone to reach a hand out to accept these people in normal society. Even the higher functioning individudals who are productive in society, just that slight difference in them, people want to push them away. Even in the workplace, even the normal ones. Society is a mixed of all kinds of people. People need to deal with this. 

The school systems currently have inclusion programs. A long fight had to occur so disabled children were not segregated away from society. Disabled children, along with adults, need to be in society and not deprived of connecting with people. They need social interaction just like anybody. Why do you think social media like Facebook or Twitter are so popular? Why do you think social gatherings are so popular, it is because people need to socialize. I have seen countless times people say, "I'm a loner," but then I see they have one person or a small group they hang with occasionally. Even loners will occasionally interact and socialize with people, because it is a human need.

Having a hearing impairment puts barriers in the way of socializing with hearing people. Many times those with a hearing loss feel segregated, separated, left out, and ostracized. Most hearing people do not want to take the perceived extra effort to communicate with them. I say perceived because communication is a two way street. That other peron has just the same right to interact with people as you do, but because of the perception it is "harder" they ostracize them. That putting a little extra effort is too difficult, when it is not. Can you imagine the extra effort the person with the hearing loss has to go through every single time they talk to someone? That perhaps they are putting more effort out than the hearing person? Most people with a hearing loss are exhausted at the end of the day,much more than the average person. They have been straining all day trying to connect to their world. Then the added ostracizing just makes it too much to handle, most will become more recluse. Not because they want to, but because they are tired of being exhausted.

At least for the blind, they are not as isolated since they can hear. Not that being blind is easier than being deaf, that is subjective and variable. However, due to their ability to hear the world around them, they do have a bit easier time connecting to the hearing world than a deaf person. Hearing may feel hesitant around them, but because they can communicate to them, barriers are a bit easier to knock down. Realize I'm explaining a narrow example here. I must stress that saying one disability is easier than another one is very subjective and depends on the individual person, their lifestyle and their desires in life. The blind still have enormous challenges as well. Many do very well adjusting, others do not. So one disability is not easier than the other.

The 1950’s provided more opportunities for the blind. Their independence was starting to get better. Guide Dog schools were developing more in the 1950's. Some blind individuals prefer using a White Cane which started around the 1930's. Both the Guide Dog and the White Cane are tools of preference. The public has become more aware of these tools to signify a person's vision limitations. People saw the blind as becoming more independent compared to other traditional disabilities at this time.

Also, in the 1950's, the Foundation for the Junior Blind in Los Angeles was founded. The 50’s and 60’s had a whole host of musicians and entertainers that were blind. Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder come to mind. People were educated in how blind individuals could lead cool lives. Blind individuals started experiencing more freedom and were less ostracized. They still had to overcome barriers with obstacles and people. They still experienced ostracization due to their disability, but during this time, it was the major turning point for the blind. As time went on with technology, the blind can better connect to their world. Although, some would argue that the fast advancing technological age forgets to accommodate the blind with all the techno gizmos out on the market.

As for the deaf community, their turning point started in the 1980’s when deafness was starting to come to surface. Closed Captioning for the deaf started on regular TV stations, TDDs became more available for the private home where the deaf could finally use the telephone, Relay services were becoming more available for the deaf to be able to talk with a hearing person on the telephone and vise versa, the hearing person could talk to the deaf person on the telephone. Technology enabled the deaf to connect to the mainstream world. Song signing performances were being booked across the country, people wanted to learn sign language and movies like “Children of a Lesser God” were a big hit. Marlee Matlin was the first deaf actor to get an Academy Award. In addition, Hearing dogs were becoming more publicized through the efforts of Canine Companions for Independence even though the first hearing dog program started in 1968 by International Hearing Dog, INC.

A slogan became popular in the late 1980's, which started out in the deaf culture.  "I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you" made it in the mainstream. Of course it means one thing to a hearing person and means something completely different to a deaf person. Deaf individuals were getting tired of hearing people saying they were only faking their hearing loss and that they heard when they wanted to hear. The deaf community came up with the slogan of, "I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you" as way to release some ironic humor.

As a society and its perception of the disabled, we were moving forward. People were seeing that the disabled are not the pathetic people who couldn't do much with their lives anymore. That someone who is deaf or blind are not freaks and we do not need to be ostracized. We are different, and we may have to do things differently, but that shouldn’t cause people to ostracize us. People were getting it, people were having more open minds, it seemed the open minds and understanding was at an all time high. Except now that blindness and deafness is no longer a fad, no recent big hit movies, and no PSAs we are turning into a time we need to educate people again. I'm seeing a change of lack of understanding. I sometimes see it harder to educate people now than ever before. People look at us as if we want special treatment. There is a big difference between accommodations and special treatment.

The disabled are people too and sometimes the masses think we are just like them, but we are not. We are human beings like them, have feelings like them, have human nature like them, like to laugh and have fun like them, but we have to function differently depending on the disability. People need to be open to us functioning different. This also could mean our behavior is different, or look different, talk different, walk different and socialize different. Its hard to function in a world that thinks you need to perform a certain way, like everyone else, because you are an average human. To function different is my way of life, apart of me and it shapes me, my personality and how I function in the world. It is weird to other people, but it is all I know. Why do people have fear around that?

I have experienced when I start in a new place like work, a class or a gathering, at first people are all excited to be able to have a disabled person come to their party, be in their class or come to the workplace. It is a new novelty. Isn’t this exciting we have someone different. Now we finally have a chance to show off we accept the disabled, except what does that really mean? At this time the different is neat and cool. But if people find out later they must change themselves or the person must do or learn differently, people shy away. Then if I don't respond to them the way they expect, then they think I'm stuck up. Or I blew them off. could it be I couldn't hear or see you?  Add an assistance dog to the situation and there are mixed feelings. Some people love dogs and think it is cool that a person can have a dog to assist them, to make their lives more independent. Then you see some people jealous that you can get away with having your dog and they can't take their dog every where. Then on the contrary,  While others see dogs as dirty animals that must stay outside. Does an assistance dog compliment the disabled person or make them seem more disabled or weird. Will they be more ostracized in the workplace or in public because of their dog? It is definitely a mix. In public, it is no big deal, you do your thing, your dog accompanies you, and you move on. Once in awhile, you will have someone persistent to have your dog removed. Clarification of the law, most of the time educated people that your dog is allowed. In the workplace, some people have to face this animosity every day. You feel the tension, every day. You feel the ostracizing and it can be subtle, but the actions are strong, like not having anyone take the time to answer a question. It will be short and just barely enough to grasp onto the information you need. They look at you with matter of fact attitude and ok we are done, I told you enough attitude. The words were not spoken, but the actionn definitely speak louder than words. They will say "Hi" to show they are polite, but won't include you in on information or anything that makes you an equal.

As I try to find others around me who are in the workplace, it is challenging. Can I find someone to relate to? In general, it is difficult. Finding a national conference on deaf-blind issues, may find someone like you and then you realize you are not the only one. Still very few, but finding one or two is better than none.

When I talk to a counselor of the State Department of Vocational Rehabilitation, it is disheartening to find that today, society is still ostracizing the disabled. Unemployment is 50-75% for the disabled and this statistic is from when the economy was doing very good. I personally know people who just cannot take the stress of dealing with people in the workplace, on top of trying to brake down their barriers. My Department of Vocational Rehabilitation counselor tells me that she has boxes and stacks of cases that are depressing. Very few are successful and most do not have the drive or ambition to overcome all the hurdles that comes with the “baggage” to the eyes of other people. Attitudes and ignorance of other people is very difficult to overcome.

They say the number one fear of people is the fear of rejection. The disabled get rejected constantly and frequently. This is why many stay in their homes and not come out. They may go to the store, because on the surface people can be nice, but once they get to know you and find you do have a real disability, they shy away, they can't handle it. Once in awhile a hearing or sighted person will have this happen, maybe 3% or less in their lives. Try to deal with it when it is more than 50% of the people in your life. Even relatives that think you are a freak and maybe retarded when you are not.

People will advise, don’t let it bother you, while they are in a circle of normalcy among the other co-workers or in society. How on earth could they even begin to understand? They are in the circles in the "in group" just like high school all over again. In the workplace, they think you want to be “friends” with everyone, no we just want a normal environment. They are treating you like they are back in high school, ostracizing you from their in group, while all you want to do is learn your job and have a working relationship. Some people do strive for friendship, I strive for community.

When you do not let it “bother you” then you are a recluse, or some other thing that someone will criticize. You are the scape goat or the dart board. However, in some situations, that same criticism is a way for them to justify themselves for not treating you as an equal. They now have an excuse not to treat you normal. It is justification that they don't have to include you or accept you. Of course it isn't your disability, they find other issues to bring to the attention of management that I'm too slow, I'm not up to par, I'm not as smart, I'm not doing this right, I need to read my directives. All excuses to keep me at a distance. They create the hostile environment that leaves the disabled person ostracized. But they will quickly point out how they say "Hi" to me, I may miss it, but they have justification that I'm rude because I didnt' say "Hi" back. When I see this happen, I want to scream "Get Out of High School!" "Get over yourself" and treat me like a normal co-worker who doesn't do things like your or most other people. hings slightly different.
I have had 23 different jobs in my lifetime. I’m also including volunteer work, internships and paid seasonal work I have done. I have been in a variety of places of work. I have worked in a small mom and pop businesses, federal government, the school system, small corporations, large Corporate America, non-profit organizations etc. I have been with co-workers who have been awesome and made me feel like a human being. This didn't occur often. Most places I have worked, I have to deal with either a small few to a whole office that give off negative energy towards me. The small few I can deal with, but when it is a whole office, that is tough. I also find the more difficult the people, the more they try to justify their actions for treating me this way by saying, "Don't let it bother you." But these lessons are a reminder of how strong I am in a critical world. I have a strong belief if I cannot handle a tough situation, then I'm not grounded in who I know who I am. The irony of this too is, I'm stronger than these people who say "Don't let it bother you" because if the tables were turned, they really would not be able to handle it as well as I do.

I find it interesting how some people can be so ostracizing, they will smile and say "Hi" to you one moment and turn around where they can’t even have lunch with you. I realize lunch is a social thing and not a work thing, but still to have no one in your department have lunch with you is certainly ostracizing. I did have one person who kept asking me to go out lunch, but it was always presented in the future. “We need to go out to lunch sometime.” But she never said let’s go today. I figured when she stopped, it was she didn’t want to go to lunch with me and my hearing dog. People do have issues with dogs.

I only have three people that I normally talk to on my floor at work. We only talk at work. Everyone else seem to be a bit more tense polite. They will be congenial, but wish you would go away. You wish they could relax and realize you are a cool dude, but that doesn't happen. They do not realize how rude their actions are and that I have to deal with this every day and most of every body at work. It gets old. This isn't about being friends, it is about being treated normal and being apart of a working community. I'm left to stand alone. When infants are born, if they are shoved off, they wither and die or become severely mentally damaged. I work hard with myself, and coach myself every day, do not let small minded people ruin your life. You have too much to give and have too much talent to waste on them. Focus on what you need. You know that there are good people out there. You have made quite an impression on many people, don't let some insecure people who cannot handle life get you down. Find your ground. Find your happiness. These people haven't found happiness and they want to bring you down.

Being deprived of normal social interaction is difficult. Humans are social creatures and if we do not fulfill this need, it can be difficult. People take for granted just simple interactions that I'm deprived. I really wish there was some how I could turn the situation and I know they wouldn't be able to handle it as well as I could because only weak people ostracize people, not people with strength and integrity.

If you would confront these people they would deny it. They want to think we are civilized people, but in general they are not. Proof in this is watch TV. We want to see perfect looking people. That’s what sells a program. Sitcoms really put down people who are different, maybe a little slower or not as quick with the wit they are really put down. TV is literally anti-disabled, even though you will see an actor that is portraying a disability or they actually have one. But this is also very rare or it is in a mature program.
Just as Law Enforcement is all about physical physique and how long you can hold out in harsh conditions. The only disabled that are accepted are disabled veterans. But the rest of us, you see the slight subtle curl of the lip and eyes of patronization. They mentally put “idiot” on our forehead. Their aura is, "you are beneath us." If we have to do something different, they don’t like it. They are not open to understand why someone would have to learn something different. One size fits all, Law Enforcement is para-military. You have to do it all the same or you don’t cut the mustard. It is only laws for the disabled individuals that protect us, otherwise we would be long booted out. These laws also are resented by these thugs that can't open their minds and hearts to learn something new and inspiring. We have to cover it all up, show the toughness, never show weakness, but their perception of weakness is obscured by their arrogance.

I have a private office due to an apparent severe allergic reaction someone has to my hearing dog. Not only am I socially ostracized from my Department, but I’m also physically separated. I will go for weeks without anyone coming to my office, just to say "Hi," and make sure I'm alive. Others have a daily routine where first thing in the morning they will go around and say “Hi” to everyone. They never come to say “Hi” to me. But I’m suppose to smile anyway. I’m suppose to let this stuff slide off my back. But if they were in the same situation, it would be different. Besides, I’m fortunate to have an office all to myself. I’m getting a benefit over everyone else. But this is going back to the 1950’s when the deaf use to be put in mental institutions or had segregated schools. I went to a segregated school for the blind in elementary school. I felt so accepted by my peers. When I tried to be mainstream in 3rd grade, it was a very hostile and horrible experience. I actually enjoyed going back to my “blind” school with my peers. I was protected from the harshness of the real world and how they perceive me. At my blind school, t there I was treated like an equal. Not some freak or ugly dork. There is no one that this would affect one way or another. Of course we can put up a front. Pretend this isn't happening to us e, which many disabled people do. But get them in a support group and the tears run down their faces in how horrible, cruel and cold people can be and they don't have to be this way.
A few jobs that I have had, before my first day, my co-workers knew I was coming. Imagine having spread around the office that someone with a vision and a hearing impairment will be working with you. In two places it was received in a very negative manner. People were instantly having negative thoughts about me and I hadn't even met them yet. Can you imagine walking into a situation like that, people have a negative outlook towards you before you even get a chance to give a first impression? I found out later after a nice person have gotten to know me, they told me the harsh gossip that went around about me before I came. Usually people are happy to know a new person is coming. Not me, they see me as baggage or a hassle. They dread me.They sometimes go to the extent to harass me to get me to leave. Maybe if we are really mean to her, she will leave and the problem will go away. They can't learn to know me or learn how to deal with me, they treat me as an enemy that needs to be eliminated. Boy, this mentality makes your blood rush and you want to show them you can be happy, positive and not be like them. That's how you win and that's how you set your ground.

They will say lies about you, twist your words so they can try to get you booted out or fired. They will think of other things to indirectly harass you so they can be free of any guilt. They are gutless people who can't even talk to you like a human in your face. For me to rise above this gives me empowerment. For me to continue to keep my integrity, while all the lies and evil events around me occur, makes me feel stronger. I'm more grounded than I thought. Does the stress of this go away? Of course not, but it gives me something to work on to be a better person every day. that when I can go work in a place that people accept me, it will be a dream and I will appreciate the people so much more.

Interesting that I’m an outwardly type person, very much with an expressive personality. This is why I enjoyed being a park ranger and a teacher. I'm almost to the point I'm theatrical. I will express my feelings and people will interpret this as being too sensitive or weak. Then I see how they respond to stupid little things and I wonder, how on earth could they handle what I go through every day and they call me sensitive? Wow, I really am a strong person. Outward expression in no way means you are weak. Although people think stoic people are strong, no, they just hide or cover up. This actually can be more dangerous. But looking and seeing what I have gone through like first, dealing with two disabilities, second, dealing with how to over come them and then three, dealing with people who are so clueless, rude, and ignorant. I look back at my life and know very well I’m a very strong person. People misread, mislabel or have mis-conceptions on how people should act, which doesn’t always reflect the type of person they are in this life. I have become to believe, the average person has been so spoiled and pampered by urban life that they really do not know what is life, what is being tough and what strength some people have. People are superficial in being absorbed in texting, fashion models of plastic on billboards and television. Where is the real life?

As a society, we can't handle deformity or something not plastic perfect. Look at all the plastic surgery people are having today. People taking out a loan to have their body shaped to something they perceive as perfect. What happen to living life in enjoying people, not an external plastic shell?

We pretend to be nice, but deep down inside they have an uneasy feeling. Most disabled individuals feel this right away. I know for me it makes me very uneasy. I have a hard time knowing how to handle people who are uneasy with me. I work very hard in how to connect to people. But when there is no connection, I want to work harder to reach the person and sometimes, sadly, it makes the issue worse. I want to put people at ease and just don’t know how to do it. How can I? I’m different, I’m the freak so how can someone different or is perceived as a freak ease this? I want to show, "I'm really ok!" You don't have to be afraid or scared of me. You don't have to be uneasy. I'm a human being just like you, you just need to perceive me in a different way.

This uneasiness is a burden that is dumped on me. The other person is with the problem, but they expect me to fix it. I cannot fix other people’s attitudes, and prejudices. Unfortunately if I want someone’s attitude to change towards me, the situation is dumped on me if it is right or not.

I have read several books on people skills, how to communicate and how to understand the other person. When I'm around a lot of negativity, I wear down and have to recoup to regain my passion within myself. I get energy from those with positive energy. Negative energy does bring me down. I feel this, I have limited hearing and vision so my other senses are more in tuned. Trying to shut this off is like a hearing person trying to shut their hearing off and a blind person going around with a blind fold on. The way I perceive the world is different from most people and I need to connect to my work in a different way. Please be excited that I actually do find away to connect my world instead  of fearing this unique and special way to connect to my world. I want to meet you, can you try and meet me with an open mind?

My Dream Job

     Ever since I was in high school, I wanted to be a park ranger. Not the law enforcement kind, but the naturalist kind. The ones that inspire people about nature and share with visitors all the delicate special things that nature has to offer us. Nature has a powerful message that we miss as we get caught up in our urban lifestyle. How to forget electronics, concrete and the fast life, just enough to fall into a peaceful moment of nature.

     For one reason or another, I got side tracked. I thought I wanted to be a veterinarian and went forward with that in college. That desire kept me going and that desire is what enabled me to graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Zoology with a minor in Chemistry. After veterinary technician school, I realized I was burned out and no longer had the desire to become a veterinarian. I still wanted to work with animals, and still loved being with dogs, but I took another turn.

      A few years later I was employed by the U. S. Fish and Wildlife Service as a Wildlife Inspector. My job was to make sure that all wildlife entering into Los Angeles by way of airplane, ship, or mail was compliant. That they had their appropriate permits to enter the United States. If the appropriate documentation was not presented, the item or animal would be seized. It was fascinating job and gave me a sense of purpose. In a small little way, I was helping the cause in saving our wildlife around the world. I inspected shipments from tropical fish, coral (yes they are animals) snakes, lizards, turtles, millipedes, scorpions, chimpanzee (rare), a variety of birds, zoo animals, and a variety of animals made into products and medicinals. It was a fascinating job. I did have challenges of seeing and hearing. I was given special equipment to see the animals for identification, special glasses with little scopes on them, a special hand magnifier and a cool lamp for my head to see in the bags that would have either lizards or snakes or some other critter. My vision was better at that time and I could handle the rigors of the job.

     Then I was hit with reality. As I get older and my vision less stable, I needed to learn a new job while I was young enough where if my vision got worse, I could have a skill to work. I also remembered my childhood dream of becoming a park ranger. I quit my good job with U. S. Fish and Wildlife and went back to school. In 2000, I attended Humboldt State University, where I found the wonder and the inspiration to connect with nature. Having lived in Los Angeles for 5 1/2 years, I realized I had lost touch with my natural environment. Being in Law Enforcement, you have a certain attitude and toughness that took a toll on me. It took me awhile to let go of the skepticism of people and emerge myself in the world of wonder. I was about to embark on a journey of inspiring people and having peace and solitude with nature.

       I remember a moment walking on the beach in Humboldt County just south of Redwood National Park. A tiny dirt road that weaved in-between the redwoods and thick vegetation. The Redwoods are the tallest trees in the world, they are so tall that you can't see the sky above you. Then as you drive a little further, you start to see blue sky ahead and then more light as you drive forward, then the beach. A quiet place with nearly no one in sight. I would go to this beach often watching the sun set. The waves would crash in hard since the water was rough. Too tepid to want to swim out more than your knees. The water would come up to the send where a lot of Redwood broken to many pieces have drifted onto shore. As I looked down at the sand, I made a very unique discovery. I picked up a handful of this sand. The sand isn't fine, but very grainy.The sand was the size of small pebbles. This was unlike the sand I was use to growing up near Malibu. My mother took me to Zuma Beach often when I was a child. The sand was fine where it would blow away in the wind. The sand I was looking at in Humboldt County was different to walk on, and different colors. As I picked some up in my hand and brought the chunks up to my face and saw the different shades of color in just one sand grain. My mind drifted in a peaceful stance letting the colors blend into my existence. I was moving into my right brain to connect to the sand pebbles. No more cognitive thought, but opening of the heart, to let peace in. I started noticing more shades of color, streaks and patterns as I continued to stare at the sand. As I let go of all my tension and troubles, I connected to nature and peace. It was a feeling of letting it all go and being able to focus on the fascination of nature from the beautiful color, to the science, to the art. I realized at that point I really wanted to be a park ranger.

         I was fortunate that my journey as a park ranger started in the beautiful Redwood curtain. A unique place of nature, that it pulls you in. The tallest trees in the world, the ferns, and the smell of the duff. You were in God's country. The Redwood forest is well know in the movie, "The Return of the Jedi" where the battle with the Ewoks in the forest. That scene was filmed in the Redwood forest where they only exist in one place in the world, Northern California.

         My first job assignment was Seney National Wildlife Refuge in the upper peninsula of Michigan. A remote place where driving to Wal-Mart takes an hour and a half. I lived in a historic 1933 log cabin that was built by the Civilian Conservation Corp. A program that Roosevelt started to get the economy stimulated. The rustic feel of the cabin was all the better to give a feel of being out in the open, in a natural setting at Seney National Wildlife Refuge. My summer there was 2001. They had 7 nesting Loon pairs. I could watch the pair dive for food. When they came up to the surface, their young chicks would ride their backs. What a peaceful event to watch, the real thing, uncut, unedited, non-sensationalized and real.

        Although I am hard-of-hearing, I could hear the echoing calls of the Loon, like a music you hear on a New Wave recording. At night I also heard the Sandhill Cranes, they sound like you went back in a prehistoric time with their crackle call. As the sun set every night and I would walk along the quiet road when the refuge was closed, there is a calmness in the air while you hear the sounds of the birds, frogs and insects. A choir like no other and the smell of night coming. The time is dusk.

         Being able to give programs at Seney was a special treat. I was still new at giving presentations. I also organized a large special event of almost 350 people. I set up booths, organized speakers and we also had a wolf howling contest. I was amazed that I could plan such an event with several activities.

         One of my biggest memories of Seney was going with the biologist, tracing through a  pool up to my waist with no waders. The water had tannic acid, which had dyed my white socks a dark brownish red. This is a typical work day of a biologist, especially one that is going to band an eaglet. The biologist climbed a tree, found a baby eaglet, put it in a bag and lowered the bag with the eaglet down to the ground. Measurements were taken, then the eaglet banded. The thrill to be able to hold our symbol of United States, an eaglet that will some day soar through the skies and hunt fish. A symbol of freedom and I was holding this young freedom in my hands. 

         As the summer came to a close, I did the long drive back to Northern California. Driving to and from Seney, Michigan I saw how beautiful our country is with its natural resources. I thought back at when I was legally blind, and how my sight was restored 4 and a half years earlier. I was so fortunate. I would drive the miles of land, no buildings, no development, just the interstate. I also felt at peace. Much of the land I saw is preserved for the benefit of our future generations. What a spectacular beauty we have here. I'm so happy we have National Wildlife Refuges, National Parks, U. S. Forest Service, Bureau of Land Management, all the state parks and all other agencies that preserve our country's treasures of our natural resources. Not being able to connect to this is a shame, but that is the role of a park ranger. To connect people to its peaceful beauty, that nothing else is like it anywhere on our earth, that having natural lands is a rich thing. Taking it away is a sad thing. If people could just stare at a mountain, a tree, an animal and let their energy flow in and feel its power. How so many have lost the connection to nature or how some have never developed the connection of nature.

          The following spring I did an internship at Patuxent Research Refuge in Laurel, Maryland. This refuge was more urban, but I was able to gain skills in doing environmental education programs with children. This is where I learned the fun of teaching young kids. I actually enjoyed it. Kids allow me to be silly, without being crazy. It is a way to find laughter, inspiration, wonder  and yourself.

           Then I started an internship with Santa Monica Mountains National Recreation Area and perfected my skill as a park ranger even more. I learned more about the area I grew up. I learned more about our beautiful native oak trees, the history of movie filming at Paramount Ranch, learned about the native Chumash of the area and felt more connected to the area I was raised. Not a lot of areas have this unique Mediterranean ecosystem. With summer coming up, I applied to a seasonal job and was hired at Klondike Goldrush National Historical Park. Skagway, Alaska. I spent 6 months there in one of the most beautiful places on our planet. Our last Frontier is Alaska. Pictures that we wee of its beauty do not do it justice of what it is to experience Alaska. The people are rustic, the towns are alive, just as when they were alive when people with hope, looking for gold came through.

              My favorite program to give was my Gold Rush Dogs. I portrayed a woman who took a journey to Alaska with her dog. It was said that the Gold wouldn't have been found for another few years if it weren't for the dogs that traveled with the gold seekers. To combine my love for dogs and being a park ranger together was just too good to be true. If I could have it all, that's what I would love to do, be a park ranger and have it related to dogs.

              October 2003, I left Alaska. I left an experience that was unique. I still struggled with how to connect with co-workers, but as far as visitors, my programs and seeing my way in becoming a better park ranger, I was getting better after each park. I did suffer fatigue and that would set me back. I couldn't read long hours in the evenings books that everyone else could. To get the information in my head was a challenge. When I returned to California, I went into a lull, kind of what you get after Christmas. The excitement of Christmas comes to an abrupt end, and you get slightly down. this is how I felt returning home from Alaska. Where did that energy go? The next two summers i went to Kings Canyon National Park in the beautiful Sierras in California. I was amongst the largest trees, by mass, in the world. We were at approximately 6600 feet elevation. The altitude did take a toll on me and I felt more fatigue. I felt as if I was walking in Molasses, hoping one day that my bouncy energy would come back. I still had a hard time trying to read all the material fast enough for my programs. It was a challenge. It was frustrating to be right where I wanted to be, but feeling so much fatigue and low energy.

                My last park was Zion National Park. It took me six years since I had left my job as a Wildlife Inspector, to let go of a lot of stress. I was among many people who were very kind and treated me like a human. It felt great to work with the many people at the park. It was my best year. However, I started out having some medical problem. I arrived in April, and had a lot of fatigue. I dragged. Again, I'm where I really want to be but I have no energy! In July, I started walking every night and lost 25 lbs. I had bounds of energy and realized why I was so sluggish and low energy. I have cholesterol issues. My body produces too much cholesterol due to a kidney disease. If i don't continue to exercise, and although I may look a little heavy, my body is actually acting as if I'm morbidly obese. That's because that is how much fat is circulating in my body due to my cholesterol problem. It is very difficult to keep an exercise program going since I get aching joints from my joint condition. This is what I experienced at Klondike Gold Rush Historical Park. People thought I was just lazy, but I was fighting pain and fatigue.

At Zion, the people were really nice and included me like one of their own. I had a close circuit TV to  help with reading. In the beginning, I couldn't read much. I started reading much better after July. But when I first came in April, I couldn't read fast enough to get all my programs ready. I had three good programs but two were so so due to needing to read more and learn more. I read so slow, four times slower than the average person. It is sometimes so hard to keep up the pace, but I work the hardest I can. Sadly, my supervisor saw my so so programs. She surprised me. She originally was going to see my better programs, but instead went to one I threw together and followed the outline of another person's program. I didnt' have two nights sleep, had a headache and then had her watching a program I knew wasn't up to par. It was a disaster. Murphy's law in full bloom.

                 The best years of my life were when I was a park ranger. I had challenges, and for the most part, kept them well hidden from everyone. Reading was difficult, hearing is difficult, but I worked hard to get around them and to show everyone things are fine. I know that I can succeed as a park ranger, I just need a little more time reading material. IF I were a full-time park ranger this wouldn't be too much of an issue. I also fought my fluctuating fatigue issues. People judge and label, I keep fighting every day to over come all my challenges to the point, I don't know when it is too much or not enough. I exhaust myself, sometimes I try to pace myself, and when I'm doing good, I really push myself. Mostly because I don't know when I'm going to go through a slump again.

                   I hope one day I can get back to doing this work, how to balance appropriately and keep a steady pace. Since I moved around to so many parks, I never got a full solid foundation to be able to catch up with the reading. To feel up to par with everyone else that takes them 1/4 or less the time to read or get the information in their head. I have to be patient with myself. I'm so fortunate that most people in the park system do understand. They are willing to help instead of demean you or patronize you. My skills are very good. When I'm exercising, eating well and have a solid program, I'm literally at the top of the world.

                  One day, I will do another program well and ignite that spark in people they didn't know they had for our natural beauty. One day I will be able to, provoke them to learn more about something they never knew about and teach them how to be stewards to our natural treasures. I will inspire people who look at dirt, and now have them see it is a whole living community.One day.