I have worked at my current job for 7 years. I had 24 jobs prior to coming to this workplace. The challenges I have had working at this place inspired me to start this blog In-between being Deaf-blind back in 2010. I always felt that the people I was around didn't understand my disability. It felt like they treated me as if I had a mild loss and I faked that my disability was more than mild. Some friends or a support system thought I was being too sensitive or exaggerated. I got my confirmation I was right on, last Tuesday.
At my work we have this one bathroom that isn't used as often as the other two. The lights are dim and old florescent. I have a very difficult time seeing in florescent lighting, especially the old bulbs. As I walked into this bathroom with my service dog, a co-worker came out of one of the stalls. Her face is with a darker complexion which made it harder to recognize her. it took me a few seconds. She passed me and went to the sink to wash her hands. As she passed me she said something I couldn't "hear". The bathroom not only was hard to see in, but echos with addition of external commercial sounds. I said to her, "I'm sorry I couldn't hear, what did you say?" and she turns her back to me while she washes her hands and talks. I still continued saying I couldn't hear her, and she then went out the door. Although I couldn't hear what she said, I could tell her tone of voice was with irritation and offense as she rushed out the door. Almost sassy.
I had to use the restroom so I finished my business and then went upstairs, dropped off my service dog in my office and went to her cubicle. I told her that "I couldn't hear what you said in the bathroom." She said, "yeah but I waved at you and you just stared at me." I replied with, " I can't see in those dark bathrooms." With a quick defense response she said, "but you drive!!!" I said yes I do, but the DMV is always checking my driving, in fact I was there this morning. She looked at me with disbelief of I can still drive. i said, driving doesn't have florescent lighting. I can see outside. I explained that driving is different from a dark bathroom. I don't know if she believed me or not.
This experience isn't about educating her, but that the experience was a huge relief to me. I've always known my co-workers have been hostile towards me. They think I fake my disability. They treat me as if I have a mild disability and I pretend to "ignore them" when they wave at me, or "hear more than I let them know." This same person approaches me in a strange way that it is hard for me to reciprocate. She talks really loud, waves adn says "Hi!" and walks away, never giving me a chance to say anything.
I have worked in this same department with this person for 7 years and I have special equipment, I use special hearing devices, wear hearing aids, hold paper close to my face etc. When I first came I gave a small lecture on how to understand those with a hearing and vision loss. I also have a service dog. It is obvious I have a disability, but yet, when i say i can't see something or hear something, they seem to want to disbelieve me. I have worked with some people like this before, but they were few and far between. One or two people at a workplace I can deal with and stay with the people who are more accommodating. However, when it is nearly your whole department, it is rather hostile. It has made it difficult to work in this negative environment for 7 years. I begged management to allow some education and sensitivity training, but they were adamant that they didn't want the focus, which could be negative, to be on me.
I function really well. I have been born with a hearing and vision loss. I have 50 years of experience trying to compensate for my looses. I have had neighbors not realize I had a disability and are shocked to find how well I function. Although this is great adaptation to function well, it also is a curse because people think I'm trying to cheat the system. I'm not.
Hidden disabilities are very difficult and I know I'm not alone in this one. People seem to be more judgmental today than any other time I have lived. I'm so fortunate of how well I have succeeded in life and have risen above. I look more normal than disabled. I am extremely sensitive towards people who seem to have negative thoughts, disbelief or hostility towards me. It seems to be something I've learned over the years being disabled.
I always seem to know when something isn't smooth or a person has an issue with me. I'm always on the money no matter that they say things are "ok". I know. I may not know the specifics, but I do know. Nothing I can do but be quiet about it becasue they will continue to deny it.
It behooves me that someone I have worked with, challenged me when there is a lot of evidence of my disability. I always felt a hint of offense, and this incident was confirmation I was not being too sensitive.
The irony is, she is offended by her ignorance, since I cannot help my disability. She keeps her distance from me and doesn't make herself accessible to me. It makes it hard to explain I have a disability, this is how I function. I have spent a life time teaching people how to interact with me. If they do not want to listen, like this person, and keep their distance, there is nothing I can do.
I have had to develop strength to overcome the tension of my office. They have determined a dislike for me. Even when I got my senior position, many couldn't even look at me anymore. They have created the pernicious gossip, that they are ready to become offensive with me no matter what I do. I don't know what has been said, but it has made it very difficlt to know how to do damage control. But this incident gave me a little information that a problem is there.
I now have the confidence that I can move on. I can be successful in anything I can do. Their negativity will not keep me down, although they try. When they want to be open, and reach out to me, I'm hear, but I can't do anything until they open up. I now know, it certainly isn't me.
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