Bullies: how to really handle them

Two years ago I went into a Master's program for Conflict resolution and peace building. Because of my kidney disease I had to stop the program. I just couldn't keep up with all the demands of the program and continue to work full-time and keep up with life.

The reason why I wanted to major in conflict resolution was all my life I've had to deal with bullies, from kids in school to co-workers to management. Before this master's program, I read what I could. It seems the more I read, the more I would come up empty. I wanted a solution. People would give solutions, but they were incredibly weak solutions. I found some good definitions. I could pin point what was happening and I was validated. I thought going in the program would give me answers. I came up empty.

Those who are disabled tend to get bullied more. It is the perception of them being "weaker" than their bully. Bully things they are an easy target. Some have been able to assess their bullies and world well enough to learn how to handle it. Survival.

In my real life, when ever I would use a solution I've read to resolve bullying, it failed. Most of their solutions were to tell a teacher or tell a supervisor. Then they could take care of the issue. But what I found out, that you are giving your power to someone else. The lack of power around a bully, now was shifted to giving the power to a superior. Like they are now going to protect me. But that still doesn't solve the problem. It made my life worse.

I realized that bullying is a form of politics. Kids learn how their bullying works in school. That's where they develop their skills. Then when they go out in the real world, they continue their bully tactics because they work.  Some adults are former targets of bullies and learned they have to get into a game or be squashed. How one plays the game determines if it turns dirty or not. 

I have been someone who didn't get politics, and didn't get the game. The more I didn't get it, the more I suffered. It does pay to pay attention and learn about the social structure of people. Learn psychology as you will. it is a powerful tool. I hate games, I really do, but when you are desperate to survive and desparate to get the bully off your back,  Learning politics and playing the game is the only relief you will get.

Bullies pick targets because they can. This isn't to say that the person who is the target of the bully deserves what they get. No they don't!!! But, the target needs to learn how not to be a target. Displays of confident behavior goes a long way. Bullies pick on what they perceive as weak to practice their skill. They get a high on it as they think they rise above. It is dirty and mean, but regardless how wrong they are for doing their bully behavior, we have to learn how to deal with people like this.

Many targets want to be left alone, but the more they show a weakness, the more the bully preys. Now note I say "show" a weakness.  Showing a weakness isn't necessarily mean the person is weak. Learning and observing animals, you learn that life is about displays. Even if you think it is phoney, think of it more as a role you must play to survive. You can always stay you, but if you don't want to continue to be bullied, you need to change your display. Bullies will never go away. You may be in a school program that has a strong anti-bullying program. That's great, but out in the real world, you are not always going to have a teacher or someone to keep tabs on those bullies. In reality, many times you are left to deal with them yourselves.

In the workplace, they can harbor some of the worst bullies. What's even worse, sometimes your management has the worst bullies. When you go to them for help, you just opened yourself for the bully management to practice their power trip on you. Their actions are very deceptive. When you ask a supervisor for help, when they are a bully, this becomes a game how they play you and how they play the people who are bullying you. Then your bullying problem has gotten bigger. You now have the co-workers who are bullying you, and now you have a supervisor who is bullying you.

But to be fair, sometimes the management is not a bully and they just don't know how to solve the situation, and in turn make it worse. This again is why the target really must take care of their own bully issues.

There is no one answer. Each situation is unique. People are also a varying factor that finding an answer sometimes takes time. But, trying to get along with people is really politics if you like it or not. We grow up living in the fantasy that people will like us for who we are and you want to be an honest person with integrity. The problem is, sometimes this fantasy is shattered when you are dealing with bullies. Of course we don't want them to have the upper hand, but they have been practicing this behavior since way back. They are more savvy than you and will beat you at this game. They don't have integrity, they are self driven with their power.

the good news, there are many solutions out there. You can keep your integrity. I first recommend to never tell your management, unless there is something illegal happening. Something illegal can be sexual harassment, physical abuse, and other things. The most important thing about something illegal is document well. IN some situations, bullying can get to the point that it changes to something illegal. Document well is extremely important. Tedious, but important. Do not put interpretations in your documentation, only facts. Stick to facts.

Now I realize I am just as bad as those books that do not give a solution. But it is a dance, you need to learn t he music and the steps. Change your behavior and see how that affects people. Learn how to use a display. Remember a display isn't who you are, it is what you show to survive.

I recommend people read books on behavior and how to work with people. Those books help you more than books on bullying. Books on bullying keep you trapped as a victim. Changing yourself isn't about pleasing the bully, but making it so you are less of a target. Learning how to play a game to survive.

Essentially, it is learning how to play the bully. Turn the tables. Study their game, find their weakness. Then use it to survive. yes, we are taught to be good people, but the bully is causing great distress to you. But possibilities of how to handle something is endless. it isn't easy to think up what to do, but start with changing yourself. Learning about the bully and know how to reach them. You don't have to like each other to get along, and that is the goal, to make peace where the bully isn't bothering you. Fantasy is when we hold hands and sing Kumbaya and all get along. Although we want this to happen and it could, don't expect this to be an outcome.

Also, be careful what you show to people. We all hide something about ourselves, so saying "that isn't me" is bogus, because in reality, we never completely show all ourselves. Be careful in being too nice. Yes, be careful in being too nice. Being nice to a bully is just a huge neon sign to a bully they can take advantage of you and use your niceness against you. Yes being nice makes US feel good, but done in the wrong place can make your life miserable. Just know where to be nice.

Learn as much as you can about social status, then can give you an edge. Not to get ahead of the bullies per se, but to assess the environment so you can control it the way you want. We do have that power more than we realize.

Although my examples are broad, I hope they give you a little insight of the world of bullies. it is just my own personal experience being slammed hard by bullies. I've learned to get in with the game and be careful. Sometimes ridding of bullies means getting a new job or career.