Don't always believe other's judgements

     We are certainly social creatures, but we also have to stand with confidence to make our own mind. Take what people say as information to add to your decision, not to be fact to judge another person.

      Years ago, I wanted to meet Rocky because he was liked by so many others. I like meeting new people. I was at the Foundation for the Junior Blind's youth center in Los Angeles. From a distance I saw Rocky and thought this would be an opportunity to meet someone I've heard so much about. Me being a social butterfly, I got up and was going to go over to introduce myself, but my friend stopped me. She said he was rude to her and she felt he was a mean person. I stopped and went "oh." I was either 12 or 13 at the time and I didn't go forward, but took my friends word. Now I regret not going over to meet Rocky. Shortly after this incident, Rocky passed away in 1978 and I never got to meet him.

      A few years later they made a movie of Rocky's story with Cher playing the mother, Eric Stoltz playing Rockey and Sam Elliot playing the motorcycle boyfriend to Rocky's mother. The movie came out in the mid-80's. I actually was on the set for the movie, and at meal times got to meet Sam Elliot and Eric Stoltz. Cher is shy, but did get to walk right past her in her red curly hair. During the filing, I mostly was in the background during the Camp Bloomfield scenes.

      Rocky had a condition called craniodiaphyseal dysplasia, same as what the Elephant Man had. It is excessive growth of the skull causing gross disfiguration of the head. From the movie, my friend and I discovered that Rocky had many severe headaches from his skull growing and moving. Then my friend realized the reason he probably was mean to her. His head was really hurting. My friend explained that he said something to her like, "Get out of here kid!" while holding his head in his hands. My friend took offense, but didn't realize Rocky was in severe pain at that moment.

       We must not make judgements of a situation as it may not be what we think. I missed out on meeting someone because I didn't realize that I can make my own judgements and own decisions. A lesson learned at age twelve or thirteen. This scene has been carried with me through my life. Others can have their own opinion and I will listen, but sometimes they may not have all the pieces or the facts about that person. I'm the type of person who likes to connect to people. I like to learn about people. I missed my chance with Rocky.

        I can relate to this experience as many people make quick judgements about me. That I hear better than I lead on, or many other things. I've worked hard over the years to have an open mind and learn the person. I do not like being judged so incorrectly, I will work hard not to judge others. You never know when you might miss a chance of meeting someone extroardinary due to judgement getting in the way.

I'm a walking fur ball

     Roommates and co-workers. How to live and work with them when you are a walking fur ball.

     When I started college, I also started the wonderful world of roommates. It can be challenging to learn  how to live with other people. One thing I have learned out of the several roommates I have had, each female thinks she cleans better than anyone else. Didn't matter what roommate I had, they as an individual, always felt they cleaned better than anyone else. You can never be as good as them, do as well as them and they certainly like to point out that you do not measure up to them.

         I had one roommate who would get so mad that I would leave "hair" in the shower. I don't mean the accumulation of hair that goes to the drain, I can see that, they would get upset if they saw a hair on the wall of the shower. I looked puzzled at them and another roommate popped up and said, "She doesn't see it!" I went to the shower, looking about 4 inches from the wall, scanning the shower wall for the one strand of hair. After awhile, I found "the" hair. Good grief, someone all bent out of shape about one hair, that I can't see. I have to scan the shower wall for 15 minutes to find it. Oh forget this, they will just have to deal with it. I will clean the wall the best I can, if I miss it, I miss it. Life goes on.

           I had another roommate that thought it was funny to watch me clean. She said you would wipe one area three times missing the dirt! She realized that I clean differently than others. I actually do. Even though I do have vision, I more or less go by feel. I've had people who can see well, but I go up and feel it with my hands and think it was dirty. But sight wise it was clean. So different perspectives.

              I know I have had roommates get upset that I wasn't "clean" and it wasn't that I wasn't clean per se, I just couldn't see the dirt, hair or small particles. Though, I could feel the dirt, which they didn't realize was there. If I can't feel it, then it is "out of sight, out of mind" literally. This does pose tension with roommates and even co-workers. Some never say anything, just thinking that I'm rude, selfish, weird or just a dirty pig. I do try to clean the best I can, I will do work like mop floors, vacuum, etc. but it just doesn't seem to be enough for people. Feels fine to me, but it also have to be "visually" clean. Ironic since most germs are undetectable to the eye. My roommates could never bring themselves to tell me. Cleaning is a touchy subject with females it seems.

              This also happens with my cloths as well. I will brush my teeth or drink a smoothie not realizing I spilled on my shirt. I will even look down and cannot see the spill or the drip. Then when I go outside in good bright sunlight, I see the spot or the mess. OH MAN! Many times I have gone to work with spots and dribbles and not even know they are there. Then mid-morning I will go outside in the sunlight to take Divine, my hearing dog, outside for a potty, I look down and on my shirt there is the dribble, spot or something.

               I'm also a walking fur ball. The fine under coat of my dogs will be on my paints or shirt that I cannot see. Out of sight, out of mind. I know people see it, and all they do is make internal judgements and go to other people to make such judgements. When you are in-between deaf-blind, you sometimes are so exhausted from trying to overcome everything and to try and remember something to do that you can't see to cue you in to take care of it, it is exhausting. Remembering fur is just another added thing to think about. People take for granted that most of the things they do is visual. They get visual reminders to groom themselves. Besides, that is mostly what grooming is, visual and we certainly make judgements if someone can't groom themselves perfectly or if they miss something. It is almost like I need to find a kind person to not make me feel patronized to check me in the morning. Anyone else with sight thinks this is a great idea, but be in the shoes of this person. Not being groomed is associated with how intelligent, or professional or many other things. Even if you have an excuse you cannot see the fur balls, spills, wrinkles or many other things on your cloths, people will make a judgement on you that is certainly demeaning. Any person wants to be independent and respected. The balance of learning how to find someone to "scan" you over every day without feeling demeaned or patronized.

               Of course  you must have humor, but it also takes being around people who understand. Trying to go against the grain of judgemental people is tiresome. You feel their negative energy. With their uneasiness, they would rather avoid the person who is the walking fur ball. With most people with low vision, they would rather stay in their homes and forget about the outside world and their criticism of all t he hair, dribbles and spots on you. Not everyone is crude, or mean, but even if you have a healthy confidence and healthy look at life, being around judgemental people does get very old. You wish you could be around people who were a bit more socially savvy, than socially stuck up.

               I'm a walking fur ball, I will have hair on me, I try to remember to use the roller on my cloths, sometimes I forget if it is out of sight, out of mind. I have many other things to remember since you have sight to cue you in what is needed, I have to remember to check the things that you take for granted and don't have to remember since you are subconsciously cued in, I'm not. I'm a walking fur ball. Get over it.

Gone to the Dogs

     My very first dog when I was a kid, was Freckles, an Australian Shepherd. I got him as a puppy. He was just like any other pet a family would have around the house. I didn't know how to train, either did my family. The things that dog trainers roll their eyes at. I did with Freckles. I was a kid, and certainly didn't know any better. Freckles had no recall, and eventually ran out in the street and got hit by a car. He was about two years old when that happened.

      Growing up in high school we had another family dog, Malena. She too was an Australian shepherd. My dad fed her peanuts all the time. She was fat and stunk. At this time my nose was tweaked towards dogs and didn't like stinky dogs. Amazing this dog lived to 16 years old.

        When I was in college, I was having a hard time hearing the emergency alarm in the dorms. At this time I used sign language interpreters for my classes. My vision was better and I had no idea an assistive listening device would be helpful for me. My sign language interpreter was telling me about hearing dogs. I thought they were for the completely deaf and not the hard-of-hearing. The interpreter encouraged me to apply.

        At this time I was really interested in getting a border collie. It was 1987, no one knew what this breed was and thought they were some mixed mutt. I found a lady who sold herding dogs and got Watson. We went through the Ann Salem Hearing Dog Program with the Riverside Humane Society. We had a 14 week class where we learned obedience and how to teach our dogs sound alerts. We trained our own dogs. There were 10 of us in the class. 

       During this time in my life, I had worked off and on at Veterinary Hospitals while attending college. I loved working with the dogs and tending to their care.

       I did moderate herding. I entered in a number of Novice-Novice trials. I did the best I could, but distance, was a challenge to see. I often wondered if I went to higher levels of competition if I could have the bioptic lens they have for people who have low vision. The trialing committee didn't like it when another woman tried to use a small telescope to see her dog. You had to use your bare eyes. This would put me at a severe disadvantage.

        I bought a second dog, Meg, who's full name I changed to Nutmeg. She was a red and white border collie. Very shy and very little confidence. I could work her on stock, but if anyone screamed, she was gone. I never trialed with her. She was such a timid dog she never interfered with Watson's hearing dog alerts. So we were a nice little family.

         At this time I felt like there was no other dog than the border collie. But, with Watson getting older and having severe hip dysplasia, I needed to look for another border collie to be my hearing dog. I searched high and low, tried a few dogs that didn't work out and even tried a puppy I named Jazz, short for Jasmine. Unfortunately at 4 months she had popping hip dysplasia and since I couldn't afford the surgery, I gave her back to the breeder. This really broke my heart and I couldn't stop crying. The breeder was upset that I returned her, but what could I do? I couldn't afford the surgery and her popping was bad. The breeder had the surgery performed and found a good home for her.

         During this time I was training with a service dog organization apprenticing as a service dog trainer. I trained a black lab, that later found he had seizures and had to be dropped from the program and I also trained an over size sheltie that looked like a miniature Lassie. The structure was definitely Collie and didn't have the dish head of a sheltie. His name was Bo.

          I was working for a dog groomer and had my own pet sitting business. I was doing agility with my sister's McNab Jolie. This was 1994. Agility was a new sport and the community was small. I had a lot of fun doing agility and knew I liked this much better than the regime of obedience. However, how I learned obedience was by choke chain in 1987. It was now 1994 and I had learned previously another method called Clicker Training. I was slowly transforming over. I had viewed the Karen Pryor and Gary Wilkes video and had been reading the Book Don't Shoot the Dog. What a neat new way of training. I was hooked.

          In 1995 I moved to Los Angeles and worked for the Federal Government working with wildlife. I was still looking for a successor dog to Watson. I tried a few more dogs that didnt' work out, two more border collies. I then found Reid, a red and white border collie. Again, I was a sucker, letting people push their dogs on me. When will Iearn? I didn't want to hurt other people's feelings. Reid only lasted two years as a service dog. He developed some chemical imbalance and serious aggression issues. After this experience and several border collies later, I felt that I need to try another breed. That's when I got a Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever. They look like miniature Golden Retrievers or Golden puppies. They are redder and most have a pink nose. They have strong personalities and know what they want. They are not as easy going as a Golden Retriever. They think more. I adored Rubi and she taught me a lot about Clicker Training. Some people would call her wilful, but through clicker training she taught me the meaning of reinforcement and how to get her to do behavior freely than with force. I got her in 1998. Due to her wanting to smell the flowers and had her own agenda, she was not a natural hearing dog. I was able to do a perfect back chain of teaching her a hearing dog alert. She would offer this if the set up was how she was trained, but in the middle of the night while I was sleeping, no. Thus, she was not a natural hearing dog. I had to get another.

           This is when I was first introduced to the Belgian Malinois. Three pups were dumped off to the SPCA in Los Angeles. I weakened and adopted one. Jewel. She was a more natural hearing dog. Unfortunately she was killed in a freak accident at age 5 in April 2004. The heart break of this was difficult. She is the one sitting in front of Salmon Glacier on this blog. She traveled to Alaska with me and back. She was a very quiet dog and hardly ever barked. Loosing her was a challenge to work through and a time I did not have ears to hear the world around me. Her big ears were like radars that turned for me to hear. The movement cued me into the world around me. I knew with this I needed a dog with up ears. So I decided to get another Belgian Malinois. It was hard to decide to go with another Malinois or get my own McNab. Since I only  had Jewel for 5 years, I decided to try another Malinois. I got Mickey.

            Mickey has a very outgoing personality. Much more personable than Jewel. He's vocal and very expressive, which some people do not take to very well. They think dogs should be quiet, that means they are obedient. Dogs that are vocal, expressive and full of energy are sometimes perceived as not well behaved. Sometimes it is that energy that people like to have to do higher active work. The creativeness of Mickey makes him an awesome working dog; he's certainly not a quiet docile pet. But I love this energy of Mickey. His connection to his environment makes him a fantastic hearing dog. I can hear! I see what he hears. His over expressive nature can be a nuisance to people. In some places, they love it too, in the workplace, depending on the people it may not be a problem. But my current workplace, it was a problem and I had to apply for a new dog.

             I got Divine in July 2010. She is a career changed guide dog that was donated to The Hearing Dog Program in San Francisco. She works very differently than Mickey. She's very quiet, which pleases my work. To transform her to be a more vivid dog is what I have had to do the past few months. She's learning how to be a hearing dog, after working all her life being primed as a guide dog. She's adorable and darling.

             Mickey still works for me. I take him out in the evening and on public transportation. He's quiet and fine in those environments. In many ways his ability to alert me to incidental things makes me feel connected to my world. I have both dogs now and love them dearly. I'm so fortunate that I have two great dogs with very different personalities. It makes life very interesting.

             I have also started a dog instruction business where I help people train their dogs.I will soon be competing in AKC obedience with Mickey and will also try Rally Obedience. It takes a lot of work to perfect your dog for the obedience exercises. Doing activities with your dogs is a lot of fun! I certainly  have gone to the dogs.

           

        

Ostracized

You would think that people today have progressed enough they wouldn’t ostracize those who are different. That people by now should have learned better social skills in their community and even in work. What happened to professionalism? But yet, we still have people today that shy away from something that is different, especially those with a disability. You would think that today with our advanced way of thinking, people wouldn't be hesitant to come up to someone who is blind, deaf, in a wheelchair, or even walks differently than the average person. Why do people feel uncomfortable about something different? People are even hesitant if a person dresses a certain way, wears their hair a certain way. What happened to look at a human being, rather than being judgemental of their external appearance? Even a well dressed person with first impression good social skills could be a sociopath that has engaged in criminal acts. If you try to get to see the human being you might see this, but yet, we live in a society that judges the book by it's cover, rather than reading its content to know what is really going on.

Why is anyone ostracized?

Maybe that is why prejudice is still around today. People still haven't learned how to deal with something that is different from them. The perceived threat.

I have to keep reminding myself to not let others define me. That I am a kind and gracious person. Their judgement is so strong, that it interferes in having an open mind to see the real me. Judgement can put a barrier in exploring your world. Judgement can hinder a sense of wonder. Judgement can be toxic and produce a negative aura. Judgement may not have all the correct facts. So if I know this, why is it so hard to blow off people who are judgemental and ostracize me? Why do I allow their problems smother me like a blanket that puts me in darkness and isolation? Why can't I have the same opportunities to connect with people? All humans are social beings that need interactions. Being robbed of this is difficult. You have to work harder in creating your own world.

When I was in third grade, I was mainstreamed from a blind school I attended. My family wanted me to socialize with kids that were not disabled and give me the opportunity to socialize in the norm. Be in the mainstream. The first half of the school year I went to a private Catholic school. I was horribly teased, ostracized and shunned in many ways. Kids would steal my lunch, play dirty tricks on me and use obscene language with me. I was bullied and nearly had the whole class picking on me. I told my mother I never wanted to attend that school again. I just didn't want to go anymore. My mother told Sister Josephine where she had the whole class write me apology notes for their behavior. I still didn't go back and went to a public school. Just as the Catholic school, at the public school I also got lost academically. The kids picked on me. In fact, I pcked on another kid. I don't know why I did that, perhaps being tired of being picked on all the time. I was sorry to late to apologize. Both schools were socially and academically too difficult for me so I returned to the blind school. The bulling, the ostracizing and picking on me was just too much for me to handle. I was not given any skills to handle these kids. What I lealrned as a young child that "normal" kids are really mean and being with my disabled peers is much better. I learned to over the years to really dislike "normal" kids.

Ostracizing is hard for anyone to accept, no matter who you are in this world. Some can adjust when it is once in awhile, but if it happens on a frequent basis, it is more difficult to blow it off. You get tired of facing this often that it is pretty much your whole life. How do you change this pain?

In the 1950's there are stories of deaf individuals who were put in mental institutions. This is because the deaf person was unable to communicate to a hearing person. The hearing person makes judgement of not being able to communicate with them, therefore, something must be wrong with them. It is perplexing that judgements of doctors put an functional human being that only needed a different way to communicate in a mental institution. They had no mental disability or learning disability, but were isolated from the world. Segregated just as the blacks were before the civil rights movement. The deaf who were put into the mental institutions were ostracized from society. They have lost their freedom. They are locked up because they were misunderstood due to a judgement by someone who is considered to have above average intelligence because they are a doctor. These deaf individuals were labeled that they didn't fit the norms of society, so let's lock them away in an institution since we don't know what to do with them.

For a child, this is locking them away from appropriate development. Emerging a person in the normal society enables them to develop a more normal lifestyle. I remember as a young child apart of a blind youth group, there was this one girl I knew in my carpool. Mary, not her real name, was very withdrawn, wasn't outgoing and always needed assistance to get around. I met her brother and sister and was appalled at how active and emerged in life they were, but how Mary couldn't handle a slop at a winter camp and freaked out as she lightly slipped on the pine needles. She was a teenager at the time. Mary wasn't totally blind either, she had some sight in both of her eyes. She also had hearing of an average person. I'm so fortunate that my parents allowed me to ride horses, climb trees, play on anything I desired. Sure, there was a chance I could get hurt, but there is a balance between over protection and normal development. Some people might think I was sheltered due to going to an elementary school for the blind, but compared to many other disabled children, I wasn't. Sadly, because Mary's parents didn't think she was capable, they smothered her to be not well adjusted. She was sheltered from normal development. How could she ever emerge in society? Society will ostracize her because she is different. Fortunately, I have been able to blend into society, but even me being a higher functioning disabled person, I still run into issues. I have challenges of ostracization and bullying too. It depends onthe people I'm with and who I am around.

In my later years, I was a Special Education Aide at a middle school. The boy I took care of was 12 years old and had a vocabulary with complete understanding of about three words. His family was told by the doctor that he has a mentality level of an infant. Being told the level of this child, that's all the family inspired to be around him. Even at age 12, they were still treating him like a small infant. They carried him, fed him and just treated him only what an infant can do. I had to be hired at the school because the previous special education aide couldn't stand being around him. She also ostracized him. Couldn't be around a boy that remedial. She had no desire to reach him or treat him like a human being. My goal was to reach this boy. It took me a month for me to realize he didn't understand consequences because everything has been done for him. He certainly had the capabilities to feed himself, but the family wouldn't take the time or the effort to teach him how to feed himself. In their minds, he was an infant, not a twelve year old boy they should have tried to teach years ago how to eat for himself. He would come to school with food all over his shirt since he fed himself with his hands like an infant does.

Another boy in the same school had a "difficult" mother. I say difficult because the school felt she was difficult. She was demanding in getting the best education for her special needs son. He received appropriate guidance. He probably had a vocabulary of 200 or more words. I didn't work with him that closely and his vocabulary could have been more. You walk up to him and he would make eye contact and say "Hi" and hold out his hand. His mother made sure he came to school impeccable. Always a clean shirt, always with colonge and looking very neat. The boy I worked with, if he had the same intense program, most likely would have been at the same functioning level as this other boy who had a mother who made sure her son got everything he needed. Although the better cared for boy will never be able to live on his own, at least he is functionable enough he could have a job or so something in society. The point is, the more richer your environment, regardless who you are, the better functioning that person will be, to ostracize is to rob a person of life.

Why is our society still this way? That the first idea towards a disabled person is to lock them away or segregate them? It does not hurt or damage anyone to reach a hand out to accept these people in normal society. Even the higher functioning individudals who are productive in society, just that slight difference in them, people want to push them away. Even in the workplace, even the normal ones. Society is a mixed of all kinds of people. People need to deal with this. 

The school systems currently have inclusion programs. A long fight had to occur so disabled children were not segregated away from society. Disabled children, along with adults, need to be in society and not deprived of connecting with people. They need social interaction just like anybody. Why do you think social media like Facebook or Twitter are so popular? Why do you think social gatherings are so popular, it is because people need to socialize. I have seen countless times people say, "I'm a loner," but then I see they have one person or a small group they hang with occasionally. Even loners will occasionally interact and socialize with people, because it is a human need.

Having a hearing impairment puts barriers in the way of socializing with hearing people. Many times those with a hearing loss feel segregated, separated, left out, and ostracized. Most hearing people do not want to take the perceived extra effort to communicate with them. I say perceived because communication is a two way street. That other peron has just the same right to interact with people as you do, but because of the perception it is "harder" they ostracize them. That putting a little extra effort is too difficult, when it is not. Can you imagine the extra effort the person with the hearing loss has to go through every single time they talk to someone? That perhaps they are putting more effort out than the hearing person? Most people with a hearing loss are exhausted at the end of the day,much more than the average person. They have been straining all day trying to connect to their world. Then the added ostracizing just makes it too much to handle, most will become more recluse. Not because they want to, but because they are tired of being exhausted.

At least for the blind, they are not as isolated since they can hear. Not that being blind is easier than being deaf, that is subjective and variable. However, due to their ability to hear the world around them, they do have a bit easier time connecting to the hearing world than a deaf person. Hearing may feel hesitant around them, but because they can communicate to them, barriers are a bit easier to knock down. Realize I'm explaining a narrow example here. I must stress that saying one disability is easier than another one is very subjective and depends on the individual person, their lifestyle and their desires in life. The blind still have enormous challenges as well. Many do very well adjusting, others do not. So one disability is not easier than the other.

The 1950’s provided more opportunities for the blind. Their independence was starting to get better. Guide Dog schools were developing more in the 1950's. Some blind individuals prefer using a White Cane which started around the 1930's. Both the Guide Dog and the White Cane are tools of preference. The public has become more aware of these tools to signify a person's vision limitations. People saw the blind as becoming more independent compared to other traditional disabilities at this time.

Also, in the 1950's, the Foundation for the Junior Blind in Los Angeles was founded. The 50’s and 60’s had a whole host of musicians and entertainers that were blind. Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder come to mind. People were educated in how blind individuals could lead cool lives. Blind individuals started experiencing more freedom and were less ostracized. They still had to overcome barriers with obstacles and people. They still experienced ostracization due to their disability, but during this time, it was the major turning point for the blind. As time went on with technology, the blind can better connect to their world. Although, some would argue that the fast advancing technological age forgets to accommodate the blind with all the techno gizmos out on the market.

As for the deaf community, their turning point started in the 1980’s when deafness was starting to come to surface. Closed Captioning for the deaf started on regular TV stations, TDDs became more available for the private home where the deaf could finally use the telephone, Relay services were becoming more available for the deaf to be able to talk with a hearing person on the telephone and vise versa, the hearing person could talk to the deaf person on the telephone. Technology enabled the deaf to connect to the mainstream world. Song signing performances were being booked across the country, people wanted to learn sign language and movies like “Children of a Lesser God” were a big hit. Marlee Matlin was the first deaf actor to get an Academy Award. In addition, Hearing dogs were becoming more publicized through the efforts of Canine Companions for Independence even though the first hearing dog program started in 1968 by International Hearing Dog, INC.

A slogan became popular in the late 1980's, which started out in the deaf culture.  "I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you" made it in the mainstream. Of course it means one thing to a hearing person and means something completely different to a deaf person. Deaf individuals were getting tired of hearing people saying they were only faking their hearing loss and that they heard when they wanted to hear. The deaf community came up with the slogan of, "I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you" as way to release some ironic humor.

As a society and its perception of the disabled, we were moving forward. People were seeing that the disabled are not the pathetic people who couldn't do much with their lives anymore. That someone who is deaf or blind are not freaks and we do not need to be ostracized. We are different, and we may have to do things differently, but that shouldn’t cause people to ostracize us. People were getting it, people were having more open minds, it seemed the open minds and understanding was at an all time high. Except now that blindness and deafness is no longer a fad, no recent big hit movies, and no PSAs we are turning into a time we need to educate people again. I'm seeing a change of lack of understanding. I sometimes see it harder to educate people now than ever before. People look at us as if we want special treatment. There is a big difference between accommodations and special treatment.

The disabled are people too and sometimes the masses think we are just like them, but we are not. We are human beings like them, have feelings like them, have human nature like them, like to laugh and have fun like them, but we have to function differently depending on the disability. People need to be open to us functioning different. This also could mean our behavior is different, or look different, talk different, walk different and socialize different. Its hard to function in a world that thinks you need to perform a certain way, like everyone else, because you are an average human. To function different is my way of life, apart of me and it shapes me, my personality and how I function in the world. It is weird to other people, but it is all I know. Why do people have fear around that?

I have experienced when I start in a new place like work, a class or a gathering, at first people are all excited to be able to have a disabled person come to their party, be in their class or come to the workplace. It is a new novelty. Isn’t this exciting we have someone different. Now we finally have a chance to show off we accept the disabled, except what does that really mean? At this time the different is neat and cool. But if people find out later they must change themselves or the person must do or learn differently, people shy away. Then if I don't respond to them the way they expect, then they think I'm stuck up. Or I blew them off. could it be I couldn't hear or see you?  Add an assistance dog to the situation and there are mixed feelings. Some people love dogs and think it is cool that a person can have a dog to assist them, to make their lives more independent. Then you see some people jealous that you can get away with having your dog and they can't take their dog every where. Then on the contrary,  While others see dogs as dirty animals that must stay outside. Does an assistance dog compliment the disabled person or make them seem more disabled or weird. Will they be more ostracized in the workplace or in public because of their dog? It is definitely a mix. In public, it is no big deal, you do your thing, your dog accompanies you, and you move on. Once in awhile, you will have someone persistent to have your dog removed. Clarification of the law, most of the time educated people that your dog is allowed. In the workplace, some people have to face this animosity every day. You feel the tension, every day. You feel the ostracizing and it can be subtle, but the actions are strong, like not having anyone take the time to answer a question. It will be short and just barely enough to grasp onto the information you need. They look at you with matter of fact attitude and ok we are done, I told you enough attitude. The words were not spoken, but the actionn definitely speak louder than words. They will say "Hi" to show they are polite, but won't include you in on information or anything that makes you an equal.

As I try to find others around me who are in the workplace, it is challenging. Can I find someone to relate to? In general, it is difficult. Finding a national conference on deaf-blind issues, may find someone like you and then you realize you are not the only one. Still very few, but finding one or two is better than none.

When I talk to a counselor of the State Department of Vocational Rehabilitation, it is disheartening to find that today, society is still ostracizing the disabled. Unemployment is 50-75% for the disabled and this statistic is from when the economy was doing very good. I personally know people who just cannot take the stress of dealing with people in the workplace, on top of trying to brake down their barriers. My Department of Vocational Rehabilitation counselor tells me that she has boxes and stacks of cases that are depressing. Very few are successful and most do not have the drive or ambition to overcome all the hurdles that comes with the “baggage” to the eyes of other people. Attitudes and ignorance of other people is very difficult to overcome.

They say the number one fear of people is the fear of rejection. The disabled get rejected constantly and frequently. This is why many stay in their homes and not come out. They may go to the store, because on the surface people can be nice, but once they get to know you and find you do have a real disability, they shy away, they can't handle it. Once in awhile a hearing or sighted person will have this happen, maybe 3% or less in their lives. Try to deal with it when it is more than 50% of the people in your life. Even relatives that think you are a freak and maybe retarded when you are not.

People will advise, don’t let it bother you, while they are in a circle of normalcy among the other co-workers or in society. How on earth could they even begin to understand? They are in the circles in the "in group" just like high school all over again. In the workplace, they think you want to be “friends” with everyone, no we just want a normal environment. They are treating you like they are back in high school, ostracizing you from their in group, while all you want to do is learn your job and have a working relationship. Some people do strive for friendship, I strive for community.

When you do not let it “bother you” then you are a recluse, or some other thing that someone will criticize. You are the scape goat or the dart board. However, in some situations, that same criticism is a way for them to justify themselves for not treating you as an equal. They now have an excuse not to treat you normal. It is justification that they don't have to include you or accept you. Of course it isn't your disability, they find other issues to bring to the attention of management that I'm too slow, I'm not up to par, I'm not as smart, I'm not doing this right, I need to read my directives. All excuses to keep me at a distance. They create the hostile environment that leaves the disabled person ostracized. But they will quickly point out how they say "Hi" to me, I may miss it, but they have justification that I'm rude because I didnt' say "Hi" back. When I see this happen, I want to scream "Get Out of High School!" "Get over yourself" and treat me like a normal co-worker who doesn't do things like your or most other people. hings slightly different.
I have had 23 different jobs in my lifetime. I’m also including volunteer work, internships and paid seasonal work I have done. I have been in a variety of places of work. I have worked in a small mom and pop businesses, federal government, the school system, small corporations, large Corporate America, non-profit organizations etc. I have been with co-workers who have been awesome and made me feel like a human being. This didn't occur often. Most places I have worked, I have to deal with either a small few to a whole office that give off negative energy towards me. The small few I can deal with, but when it is a whole office, that is tough. I also find the more difficult the people, the more they try to justify their actions for treating me this way by saying, "Don't let it bother you." But these lessons are a reminder of how strong I am in a critical world. I have a strong belief if I cannot handle a tough situation, then I'm not grounded in who I know who I am. The irony of this too is, I'm stronger than these people who say "Don't let it bother you" because if the tables were turned, they really would not be able to handle it as well as I do.

I find it interesting how some people can be so ostracizing, they will smile and say "Hi" to you one moment and turn around where they can’t even have lunch with you. I realize lunch is a social thing and not a work thing, but still to have no one in your department have lunch with you is certainly ostracizing. I did have one person who kept asking me to go out lunch, but it was always presented in the future. “We need to go out to lunch sometime.” But she never said let’s go today. I figured when she stopped, it was she didn’t want to go to lunch with me and my hearing dog. People do have issues with dogs.

I only have three people that I normally talk to on my floor at work. We only talk at work. Everyone else seem to be a bit more tense polite. They will be congenial, but wish you would go away. You wish they could relax and realize you are a cool dude, but that doesn't happen. They do not realize how rude their actions are and that I have to deal with this every day and most of every body at work. It gets old. This isn't about being friends, it is about being treated normal and being apart of a working community. I'm left to stand alone. When infants are born, if they are shoved off, they wither and die or become severely mentally damaged. I work hard with myself, and coach myself every day, do not let small minded people ruin your life. You have too much to give and have too much talent to waste on them. Focus on what you need. You know that there are good people out there. You have made quite an impression on many people, don't let some insecure people who cannot handle life get you down. Find your ground. Find your happiness. These people haven't found happiness and they want to bring you down.

Being deprived of normal social interaction is difficult. Humans are social creatures and if we do not fulfill this need, it can be difficult. People take for granted just simple interactions that I'm deprived. I really wish there was some how I could turn the situation and I know they wouldn't be able to handle it as well as I could because only weak people ostracize people, not people with strength and integrity.

If you would confront these people they would deny it. They want to think we are civilized people, but in general they are not. Proof in this is watch TV. We want to see perfect looking people. That’s what sells a program. Sitcoms really put down people who are different, maybe a little slower or not as quick with the wit they are really put down. TV is literally anti-disabled, even though you will see an actor that is portraying a disability or they actually have one. But this is also very rare or it is in a mature program.
Just as Law Enforcement is all about physical physique and how long you can hold out in harsh conditions. The only disabled that are accepted are disabled veterans. But the rest of us, you see the slight subtle curl of the lip and eyes of patronization. They mentally put “idiot” on our forehead. Their aura is, "you are beneath us." If we have to do something different, they don’t like it. They are not open to understand why someone would have to learn something different. One size fits all, Law Enforcement is para-military. You have to do it all the same or you don’t cut the mustard. It is only laws for the disabled individuals that protect us, otherwise we would be long booted out. These laws also are resented by these thugs that can't open their minds and hearts to learn something new and inspiring. We have to cover it all up, show the toughness, never show weakness, but their perception of weakness is obscured by their arrogance.

I have a private office due to an apparent severe allergic reaction someone has to my hearing dog. Not only am I socially ostracized from my Department, but I’m also physically separated. I will go for weeks without anyone coming to my office, just to say "Hi," and make sure I'm alive. Others have a daily routine where first thing in the morning they will go around and say “Hi” to everyone. They never come to say “Hi” to me. But I’m suppose to smile anyway. I’m suppose to let this stuff slide off my back. But if they were in the same situation, it would be different. Besides, I’m fortunate to have an office all to myself. I’m getting a benefit over everyone else. But this is going back to the 1950’s when the deaf use to be put in mental institutions or had segregated schools. I went to a segregated school for the blind in elementary school. I felt so accepted by my peers. When I tried to be mainstream in 3rd grade, it was a very hostile and horrible experience. I actually enjoyed going back to my “blind” school with my peers. I was protected from the harshness of the real world and how they perceive me. At my blind school, t there I was treated like an equal. Not some freak or ugly dork. There is no one that this would affect one way or another. Of course we can put up a front. Pretend this isn't happening to us e, which many disabled people do. But get them in a support group and the tears run down their faces in how horrible, cruel and cold people can be and they don't have to be this way.
A few jobs that I have had, before my first day, my co-workers knew I was coming. Imagine having spread around the office that someone with a vision and a hearing impairment will be working with you. In two places it was received in a very negative manner. People were instantly having negative thoughts about me and I hadn't even met them yet. Can you imagine walking into a situation like that, people have a negative outlook towards you before you even get a chance to give a first impression? I found out later after a nice person have gotten to know me, they told me the harsh gossip that went around about me before I came. Usually people are happy to know a new person is coming. Not me, they see me as baggage or a hassle. They dread me.They sometimes go to the extent to harass me to get me to leave. Maybe if we are really mean to her, she will leave and the problem will go away. They can't learn to know me or learn how to deal with me, they treat me as an enemy that needs to be eliminated. Boy, this mentality makes your blood rush and you want to show them you can be happy, positive and not be like them. That's how you win and that's how you set your ground.

They will say lies about you, twist your words so they can try to get you booted out or fired. They will think of other things to indirectly harass you so they can be free of any guilt. They are gutless people who can't even talk to you like a human in your face. For me to rise above this gives me empowerment. For me to continue to keep my integrity, while all the lies and evil events around me occur, makes me feel stronger. I'm more grounded than I thought. Does the stress of this go away? Of course not, but it gives me something to work on to be a better person every day. that when I can go work in a place that people accept me, it will be a dream and I will appreciate the people so much more.

Interesting that I’m an outwardly type person, very much with an expressive personality. This is why I enjoyed being a park ranger and a teacher. I'm almost to the point I'm theatrical. I will express my feelings and people will interpret this as being too sensitive or weak. Then I see how they respond to stupid little things and I wonder, how on earth could they handle what I go through every day and they call me sensitive? Wow, I really am a strong person. Outward expression in no way means you are weak. Although people think stoic people are strong, no, they just hide or cover up. This actually can be more dangerous. But looking and seeing what I have gone through like first, dealing with two disabilities, second, dealing with how to over come them and then three, dealing with people who are so clueless, rude, and ignorant. I look back at my life and know very well I’m a very strong person. People misread, mislabel or have mis-conceptions on how people should act, which doesn’t always reflect the type of person they are in this life. I have become to believe, the average person has been so spoiled and pampered by urban life that they really do not know what is life, what is being tough and what strength some people have. People are superficial in being absorbed in texting, fashion models of plastic on billboards and television. Where is the real life?

As a society, we can't handle deformity or something not plastic perfect. Look at all the plastic surgery people are having today. People taking out a loan to have their body shaped to something they perceive as perfect. What happen to living life in enjoying people, not an external plastic shell?

We pretend to be nice, but deep down inside they have an uneasy feeling. Most disabled individuals feel this right away. I know for me it makes me very uneasy. I have a hard time knowing how to handle people who are uneasy with me. I work very hard in how to connect to people. But when there is no connection, I want to work harder to reach the person and sometimes, sadly, it makes the issue worse. I want to put people at ease and just don’t know how to do it. How can I? I’m different, I’m the freak so how can someone different or is perceived as a freak ease this? I want to show, "I'm really ok!" You don't have to be afraid or scared of me. You don't have to be uneasy. I'm a human being just like you, you just need to perceive me in a different way.

This uneasiness is a burden that is dumped on me. The other person is with the problem, but they expect me to fix it. I cannot fix other people’s attitudes, and prejudices. Unfortunately if I want someone’s attitude to change towards me, the situation is dumped on me if it is right or not.

I have read several books on people skills, how to communicate and how to understand the other person. When I'm around a lot of negativity, I wear down and have to recoup to regain my passion within myself. I get energy from those with positive energy. Negative energy does bring me down. I feel this, I have limited hearing and vision so my other senses are more in tuned. Trying to shut this off is like a hearing person trying to shut their hearing off and a blind person going around with a blind fold on. The way I perceive the world is different from most people and I need to connect to my work in a different way. Please be excited that I actually do find away to connect my world instead  of fearing this unique and special way to connect to my world. I want to meet you, can you try and meet me with an open mind?

My Dream Job

     Ever since I was in high school, I wanted to be a park ranger. Not the law enforcement kind, but the naturalist kind. The ones that inspire people about nature and share with visitors all the delicate special things that nature has to offer us. Nature has a powerful message that we miss as we get caught up in our urban lifestyle. How to forget electronics, concrete and the fast life, just enough to fall into a peaceful moment of nature.

     For one reason or another, I got side tracked. I thought I wanted to be a veterinarian and went forward with that in college. That desire kept me going and that desire is what enabled me to graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Zoology with a minor in Chemistry. After veterinary technician school, I realized I was burned out and no longer had the desire to become a veterinarian. I still wanted to work with animals, and still loved being with dogs, but I took another turn.

      A few years later I was employed by the U. S. Fish and Wildlife Service as a Wildlife Inspector. My job was to make sure that all wildlife entering into Los Angeles by way of airplane, ship, or mail was compliant. That they had their appropriate permits to enter the United States. If the appropriate documentation was not presented, the item or animal would be seized. It was fascinating job and gave me a sense of purpose. In a small little way, I was helping the cause in saving our wildlife around the world. I inspected shipments from tropical fish, coral (yes they are animals) snakes, lizards, turtles, millipedes, scorpions, chimpanzee (rare), a variety of birds, zoo animals, and a variety of animals made into products and medicinals. It was a fascinating job. I did have challenges of seeing and hearing. I was given special equipment to see the animals for identification, special glasses with little scopes on them, a special hand magnifier and a cool lamp for my head to see in the bags that would have either lizards or snakes or some other critter. My vision was better at that time and I could handle the rigors of the job.

     Then I was hit with reality. As I get older and my vision less stable, I needed to learn a new job while I was young enough where if my vision got worse, I could have a skill to work. I also remembered my childhood dream of becoming a park ranger. I quit my good job with U. S. Fish and Wildlife and went back to school. In 2000, I attended Humboldt State University, where I found the wonder and the inspiration to connect with nature. Having lived in Los Angeles for 5 1/2 years, I realized I had lost touch with my natural environment. Being in Law Enforcement, you have a certain attitude and toughness that took a toll on me. It took me awhile to let go of the skepticism of people and emerge myself in the world of wonder. I was about to embark on a journey of inspiring people and having peace and solitude with nature.

       I remember a moment walking on the beach in Humboldt County just south of Redwood National Park. A tiny dirt road that weaved in-between the redwoods and thick vegetation. The Redwoods are the tallest trees in the world, they are so tall that you can't see the sky above you. Then as you drive a little further, you start to see blue sky ahead and then more light as you drive forward, then the beach. A quiet place with nearly no one in sight. I would go to this beach often watching the sun set. The waves would crash in hard since the water was rough. Too tepid to want to swim out more than your knees. The water would come up to the send where a lot of Redwood broken to many pieces have drifted onto shore. As I looked down at the sand, I made a very unique discovery. I picked up a handful of this sand. The sand isn't fine, but very grainy.The sand was the size of small pebbles. This was unlike the sand I was use to growing up near Malibu. My mother took me to Zuma Beach often when I was a child. The sand was fine where it would blow away in the wind. The sand I was looking at in Humboldt County was different to walk on, and different colors. As I picked some up in my hand and brought the chunks up to my face and saw the different shades of color in just one sand grain. My mind drifted in a peaceful stance letting the colors blend into my existence. I was moving into my right brain to connect to the sand pebbles. No more cognitive thought, but opening of the heart, to let peace in. I started noticing more shades of color, streaks and patterns as I continued to stare at the sand. As I let go of all my tension and troubles, I connected to nature and peace. It was a feeling of letting it all go and being able to focus on the fascination of nature from the beautiful color, to the science, to the art. I realized at that point I really wanted to be a park ranger.

         I was fortunate that my journey as a park ranger started in the beautiful Redwood curtain. A unique place of nature, that it pulls you in. The tallest trees in the world, the ferns, and the smell of the duff. You were in God's country. The Redwood forest is well know in the movie, "The Return of the Jedi" where the battle with the Ewoks in the forest. That scene was filmed in the Redwood forest where they only exist in one place in the world, Northern California.

         My first job assignment was Seney National Wildlife Refuge in the upper peninsula of Michigan. A remote place where driving to Wal-Mart takes an hour and a half. I lived in a historic 1933 log cabin that was built by the Civilian Conservation Corp. A program that Roosevelt started to get the economy stimulated. The rustic feel of the cabin was all the better to give a feel of being out in the open, in a natural setting at Seney National Wildlife Refuge. My summer there was 2001. They had 7 nesting Loon pairs. I could watch the pair dive for food. When they came up to the surface, their young chicks would ride their backs. What a peaceful event to watch, the real thing, uncut, unedited, non-sensationalized and real.

        Although I am hard-of-hearing, I could hear the echoing calls of the Loon, like a music you hear on a New Wave recording. At night I also heard the Sandhill Cranes, they sound like you went back in a prehistoric time with their crackle call. As the sun set every night and I would walk along the quiet road when the refuge was closed, there is a calmness in the air while you hear the sounds of the birds, frogs and insects. A choir like no other and the smell of night coming. The time is dusk.

         Being able to give programs at Seney was a special treat. I was still new at giving presentations. I also organized a large special event of almost 350 people. I set up booths, organized speakers and we also had a wolf howling contest. I was amazed that I could plan such an event with several activities.

         One of my biggest memories of Seney was going with the biologist, tracing through a  pool up to my waist with no waders. The water had tannic acid, which had dyed my white socks a dark brownish red. This is a typical work day of a biologist, especially one that is going to band an eaglet. The biologist climbed a tree, found a baby eaglet, put it in a bag and lowered the bag with the eaglet down to the ground. Measurements were taken, then the eaglet banded. The thrill to be able to hold our symbol of United States, an eaglet that will some day soar through the skies and hunt fish. A symbol of freedom and I was holding this young freedom in my hands. 

         As the summer came to a close, I did the long drive back to Northern California. Driving to and from Seney, Michigan I saw how beautiful our country is with its natural resources. I thought back at when I was legally blind, and how my sight was restored 4 and a half years earlier. I was so fortunate. I would drive the miles of land, no buildings, no development, just the interstate. I also felt at peace. Much of the land I saw is preserved for the benefit of our future generations. What a spectacular beauty we have here. I'm so happy we have National Wildlife Refuges, National Parks, U. S. Forest Service, Bureau of Land Management, all the state parks and all other agencies that preserve our country's treasures of our natural resources. Not being able to connect to this is a shame, but that is the role of a park ranger. To connect people to its peaceful beauty, that nothing else is like it anywhere on our earth, that having natural lands is a rich thing. Taking it away is a sad thing. If people could just stare at a mountain, a tree, an animal and let their energy flow in and feel its power. How so many have lost the connection to nature or how some have never developed the connection of nature.

          The following spring I did an internship at Patuxent Research Refuge in Laurel, Maryland. This refuge was more urban, but I was able to gain skills in doing environmental education programs with children. This is where I learned the fun of teaching young kids. I actually enjoyed it. Kids allow me to be silly, without being crazy. It is a way to find laughter, inspiration, wonder  and yourself.

           Then I started an internship with Santa Monica Mountains National Recreation Area and perfected my skill as a park ranger even more. I learned more about the area I grew up. I learned more about our beautiful native oak trees, the history of movie filming at Paramount Ranch, learned about the native Chumash of the area and felt more connected to the area I was raised. Not a lot of areas have this unique Mediterranean ecosystem. With summer coming up, I applied to a seasonal job and was hired at Klondike Goldrush National Historical Park. Skagway, Alaska. I spent 6 months there in one of the most beautiful places on our planet. Our last Frontier is Alaska. Pictures that we wee of its beauty do not do it justice of what it is to experience Alaska. The people are rustic, the towns are alive, just as when they were alive when people with hope, looking for gold came through.

              My favorite program to give was my Gold Rush Dogs. I portrayed a woman who took a journey to Alaska with her dog. It was said that the Gold wouldn't have been found for another few years if it weren't for the dogs that traveled with the gold seekers. To combine my love for dogs and being a park ranger together was just too good to be true. If I could have it all, that's what I would love to do, be a park ranger and have it related to dogs.

              October 2003, I left Alaska. I left an experience that was unique. I still struggled with how to connect with co-workers, but as far as visitors, my programs and seeing my way in becoming a better park ranger, I was getting better after each park. I did suffer fatigue and that would set me back. I couldn't read long hours in the evenings books that everyone else could. To get the information in my head was a challenge. When I returned to California, I went into a lull, kind of what you get after Christmas. The excitement of Christmas comes to an abrupt end, and you get slightly down. this is how I felt returning home from Alaska. Where did that energy go? The next two summers i went to Kings Canyon National Park in the beautiful Sierras in California. I was amongst the largest trees, by mass, in the world. We were at approximately 6600 feet elevation. The altitude did take a toll on me and I felt more fatigue. I felt as if I was walking in Molasses, hoping one day that my bouncy energy would come back. I still had a hard time trying to read all the material fast enough for my programs. It was a challenge. It was frustrating to be right where I wanted to be, but feeling so much fatigue and low energy.

                My last park was Zion National Park. It took me six years since I had left my job as a Wildlife Inspector, to let go of a lot of stress. I was among many people who were very kind and treated me like a human. It felt great to work with the many people at the park. It was my best year. However, I started out having some medical problem. I arrived in April, and had a lot of fatigue. I dragged. Again, I'm where I really want to be but I have no energy! In July, I started walking every night and lost 25 lbs. I had bounds of energy and realized why I was so sluggish and low energy. I have cholesterol issues. My body produces too much cholesterol due to a kidney disease. If i don't continue to exercise, and although I may look a little heavy, my body is actually acting as if I'm morbidly obese. That's because that is how much fat is circulating in my body due to my cholesterol problem. It is very difficult to keep an exercise program going since I get aching joints from my joint condition. This is what I experienced at Klondike Gold Rush Historical Park. People thought I was just lazy, but I was fighting pain and fatigue.

At Zion, the people were really nice and included me like one of their own. I had a close circuit TV to  help with reading. In the beginning, I couldn't read much. I started reading much better after July. But when I first came in April, I couldn't read fast enough to get all my programs ready. I had three good programs but two were so so due to needing to read more and learn more. I read so slow, four times slower than the average person. It is sometimes so hard to keep up the pace, but I work the hardest I can. Sadly, my supervisor saw my so so programs. She surprised me. She originally was going to see my better programs, but instead went to one I threw together and followed the outline of another person's program. I didnt' have two nights sleep, had a headache and then had her watching a program I knew wasn't up to par. It was a disaster. Murphy's law in full bloom.

                 The best years of my life were when I was a park ranger. I had challenges, and for the most part, kept them well hidden from everyone. Reading was difficult, hearing is difficult, but I worked hard to get around them and to show everyone things are fine. I know that I can succeed as a park ranger, I just need a little more time reading material. IF I were a full-time park ranger this wouldn't be too much of an issue. I also fought my fluctuating fatigue issues. People judge and label, I keep fighting every day to over come all my challenges to the point, I don't know when it is too much or not enough. I exhaust myself, sometimes I try to pace myself, and when I'm doing good, I really push myself. Mostly because I don't know when I'm going to go through a slump again.

                   I hope one day I can get back to doing this work, how to balance appropriately and keep a steady pace. Since I moved around to so many parks, I never got a full solid foundation to be able to catch up with the reading. To feel up to par with everyone else that takes them 1/4 or less the time to read or get the information in their head. I have to be patient with myself. I'm so fortunate that most people in the park system do understand. They are willing to help instead of demean you or patronize you. My skills are very good. When I'm exercising, eating well and have a solid program, I'm literally at the top of the world.

                  One day, I will do another program well and ignite that spark in people they didn't know they had for our natural beauty. One day I will be able to, provoke them to learn more about something they never knew about and teach them how to be stewards to our natural treasures. I will inspire people who look at dirt, and now have them see it is a whole living community.One day.

How to see a chicken peck

One of my favorite past times is learning how to train my dogs. I've always tried to learn behavior and learning theory as much as I could for the past 23 years. I'm fascinated with the subject. I learn about the nature vs. nurture and how it intertwines with each other and conflicts with each other. In 1992, I was exposed to the concept of clicker training. Unfortunately the concept of "Clicker Training" has really been distorted. It has many meanings for people where if you were to ask a different people their take, you would get a variety of inconsistent answers. For some it is also an emotional topic. One side that is religiously for it, while another camp that is harshly against it. Then you have all the folks in-between on the spectrum. I wanted to perfect my training skills in clicker training. It is positive reinforcement, where you give something to increase a behavior. It was brought to the public many decades ago by B.F. Skinner. It is amazing how many people in academia who have the concept of B. F. Skinner's work confused and never took the time to really understand what it means. There are Master's degrees and Ph.D.s that can be obtained in this field, most commonly called Behavior Analysis. But I got to work with some folks that brought this concept to the animal training world. Bob and Marian Bailey. Their subject of choice to train these concepts is a chicken. Why on earth would anyone train a chicken to be a better dog trainer? They are a non-emotional subject like a dog. You give a dog a cross look and they respond. You do that to a chicken and because they are not getting reinforced, will go wandering off. The idea is how to you keep the attention of a chicken and teach it to do some behaviors. If you can do that, then you know you will be able to train the most difficult of dogs.

In 1999, I decided to attend chicken camp. I went to two one-week camps. My concept and mechanical skills in training improved like no other speaker has been able to do. This put me light years ahead of the game and the concept. I then had a deep understanding on clicker training beyond anyone who hasn't been to chicken camp in the pet dog world. Of course I'm a nobody, but I certainly had a deeper understanding. This is not pompous because everyone else i talked to who has been to chicken camp felt the same thing. It's like other folks went to high school and we got our Master's Degree. Figure of speech. It doesn't mean we are over all better trainers, or over all better behaviorist, just that we have this insight that no words other than "wow" can explain.

How does someone with limited vision tackle capturing (seeing) a behavior? You observe behavior and you take this little clicker box and click at that exact instant the subject or animal does the behavior you want. This box is a THAT'S IT! Now, how do they connect that the noise of a clicker is a THAT'S IT!" The trainer follows it up instantly with some chicken feed. Then after a few repetitions, they start realizing that when they do a particular behavior, they get payday. Done correctly, it is well conditioned. Done poorly, it becomes bribing with food and you don't succeed very well. The latter is what the nay sayers see and start to say how clicker training doesn't work. it is then food oriented, not conditioned oriented.

Clicker Training is mostly visual. Chickens are very fast. If you click too late, then you are accidentally clicking a different behavior and it could be something you don't want. For example, the chicken pecks a red square, but you accident click after the peck and when the chicken walks away from the red square. You actually reinforcing the walk away behavior to occur more often rather than the behavior of pecking the red square. Timing is crucial in this method of training.

When I went to the first week of chicken camp, it was a challenge. The lighting was poor and I was having such a hard time training my chicken. Bob was unsure how to get around this. I felt like a real idiot and felt like a bad trainer. Bob was doubtful that I would get the knack of training a chicken. I also couldn't see the fast movements under the lighting. Florescent lighting makes patches in my vision and trying to see a fast moving chicken was difficult. My low vision was really becoming a handicap in this session. 

I was going to come back in a month for the second session, I was problem solving what could I do to succeed? I brought a full spectrum light bulb and full determination I was going to train my chicken well. In the workshop, we trained chickens on a table, we used a one cup measuring cup with a clicker glued to the handle. When we clicked, we offered the cup and we only gave the chicken one peck of food that was in the cup. I had a lamp on my table where I put in the full spectrum light bulb and voila, visibility for me was better. It counteract the florescent lighting and gave me a better full view of my chicken's movements.



I'm that in-between person.

I got through chicken camp. Then to be with a hearing loss on top of that, the speakers to wear an assistive listening device. So I had other accommodations as well. I was determined to get through. The summer of 1999 will always be cherished in my learning of training for the rest of my life. It has helped me in my public speaking skills, teaching young children, working with a special education boy who had only a vocabulary of three words, training my dogs and how to train myself. Definitely a pivotal learning experience in my life. Bob and Marian Bailey are two of the people that have been most influential to me in my life. I cherish what they taught me and ever so grateful I had the prevledge to work with them. May Marian rest in peace and Bob keep going on strong.

Summer Camp

     When I was ten years old in 1975, I attended summer camp located in Malibu. Camp Bloomfield was nestled back in the steep part of Mulholland Highway in the Santa Monica Mountains. The ecosystem was Mediterranean with thick oak brush.

     This was no ordinary camp, it was a part of the Foundation for the Junior Blind, a youth camp for kids who were partially sighted, legally blind or totally blind. Just beside Camp Bloomfield was Happy Hollow, a camp for deaf and hard-of-hearing kids. Their camp was not built yet, but participated in several activities in Camp Bloomfield. This was the first time I ever was exposed to American Sign Language and several kids with a hearing loss. Most of my life, I was around kids with a vision loss. It was fresh and new to me to experience something different. I loved learning sign language and being expose to a different culture. I had a connection.

        The camp session for kids my age lasted two weeks. I had the time of my life. They had regular camp activities from horse back riding, swimming, camp fires, camp fire songs, camp food to everything about summer camp. I loved hanging around kids similar to me. I found my niche. It was so easy to talk to anyone. It was so easy to make friends. It was so easy to be happy.

         Every summer I went to Camp Bloomfield. They had a session for middle school which lasted three weeks and a separate high school session was three weeks. I went all the way through until 1983. For the older session, wWe would have pretend, "New Year's Eve" dances, talent shows, regular dances, carnivals and many other fun activities. Everything camp. I use to call it my "Fantasy Island."

        The Foundation for the Junior Blind was based in Los Angeles. They also had activities throughout the year. I would go to some of their activities. This youth organization was a haven for me when I was permanently mainstreamed in regular public school in 7th grade. Kids are cruel and they will find anything to pick on. I was different. I was a target. I was the focus of a lot of bullying at my middle and high school. I was the ugly dork. I had some friends as I was in drill team, tall flags and then in my senior year I was in Marching band. I had one good friend while in drill team/tall flags. Then in my senior year, I just hung around the band. I did like the band a lot, but there was a gap. The place I always felt fully accepted was at the Foundation for the Junior Blind or Camp Bloomfield.

        In 1984 I was old enough to become a camp counselor. One of the requirements were you needed to have one year of college. I really enjoyed being a counselor. At this time my major was Therapeutic Recreation at California State University, Northridge. I loved camp so much that I wanted to do something in that field. Except a change happened when I was the horse specialist at camp. I knew I loved working with animals. I then realized I wanted to do some studies in veterinary medicine. A semester after camp ended, I transferred to California Polytechnic State University, Pomona. I put camp behind me and moved on to other interests in life. However, camp is a very special place to me, my best times in my life were spent there and will always cherish it. It was my "Fantasy Island" where my wishes did come true.

Incidental Learning

You drop your keys, you hear them fall and you pick them up. You see a flicker on the phone to tell you there is a message on your voice mail. While walking around your college campus, you over hear a conversation and find out there is some free food in the next room. These are occurrences that happen every day that are so incidental, you are barely using conscious thought while taking action from the cues of hearing keys fall, seeing the flicker or over hearing the conversation. This is essentially a person who is connected and in sync with their environment.

Incidental events are all around us, in constant motion, appearing randomly. It is information, input and stimulation to connect you to your environment. It is knowledge and awareness. Incidental learning is also prevalent in the workplace. Below is an expert from Wikipedia on Incidental Learning:

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In terms of learning in the workplace, where everything is focused on performance and performance is everything, the informal element of learning needs to be factored into the equation for any real learning to take place. Companies need to add those accidental, informal intersections of learning and performance into the process. They need to understand that the informal side of the equation requires real people in real time: mentors, coaches, masters, guides, power users, subject-matter experts, communities of practice. What needs to happen is that companies and schools need to foster informal moments of knowledge transfer.
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What does this all mean to a person who is deaf-blind or in-between deaf-blind? The activities that go on around a person with a hearing loss and a vision loss is not absorbed in the same way as someone who has average hearing and average vision. Their incidental experiences are not going to be the same. It will be different. I could be duller, brighter, and with some vision problems, they could see double, triple or more. Depending on the frequency loss in the hearing, it could sound very different, creating an experience not like the average person. Like filters in a camera that changes a perspective in a photo. What is seen in one photo, may not appear in another. The angle could give a different view, and a different story.

When one person has a standard camera lens, and another person has a different kind of lens with filters, the same item photographed by these two people may have a drastically different image. These two people would have to communicate an understanding of what their image is, because of their lenses and filters they see a different world. This is like the comparison of a person who is in-between deaf-blind and a person with average vision and hearing. They see and hear different worlds. The input from their environment will be different. They will problem solve differently. Openness and patience with each other while the two photographers communicate to each other, is important for true a true understanding. Otherwise, they won't be able to connect. One will think the other is stupid because they do not have the open mind to realize what they see is different from what the other sees. 

I have had jobs where I had patient and wonderful people who instinctively knew where to cue me in on things I may not have heard or seen. They didn't have to instruct, over explain or patronize me. They just cued me in where I needed. This insight helped me in the beginning of a new job and a new environment. Co-workers would point out things that a person with vision or hearing take for granted. The little extra time the person would take to cue me in or fill me in, initially saved me so much more time later and I was on my way. I had the foundation I needed to take off like a rocket. My co-workers realize this has nothing to do with being slower than others, it is only that  my input systems are faulty, like old wires or like channels broken where other channels are utilized to get the information too me in a different way. Once information can be appropriately inputted into my brain, and I have the pieces, I then can function on my own and be independent. But without this initial input,  the cueing in, or the foundation, it could take years before I fill in the holes of missed information.

In situations that I don't get the simple cues and incidental fill ins, I'm isolated. Feel extremely shut out and I have to work extra hard to fill in the gaps of extra hours of reading and studying. Some workplaces have been like this and over the years it can get exhausting. Even if I have been at a place for awhile, and I do not get the chance to blend with the work culture, co-workers will assume that I have been there for years, I should know all the basics by now. But that isn't the case. If the channel they use is open to them, and mine are broken, I will never get that information they have. This then becomes a stressful environment. I become fatigue trying extra hard to fill in unknown gaps and holes. I'm lost in the dark while others have the light on to search, I don't have the light to utilize to find my way. This can lead to exasperation, frustration and stress. It is similar to someone trying to get instructions and one major piece of turning right or left on a particular street is missed. You now have to back track and find where you missed that crucial information to get where you are going. Sometimes this means you may waste hours of finding that missed piece of information. Finding that missed information when you don't have the keywords is maddening.

If someone doesn't understand that this is not about intelligence, being smart, aware, there will be misunderstanding. This misunderstanding leads to being critical, judgemental, patronizing, and demeaning. Not a fun environment. Asking questions are faced with demeaning statements. You feel as if you never can get ahead of the game. This is not a positive learning environment, but hostility. The teacher or the person with the knowledge need to think out of their box, and learn where the person is coming form in their perspective, not demanding they need to be at a particular learning level. 

Twenty years ago I worked in a veterinary hospital. I struggled with the job for many reasons. One person noted how difficult it was for me because he mentioned how he could be standing a few feet away from the door that was slightly cracked open and hear the veterinarian talking to the client. He could over hear if the veterinarian wanted to do some blood work, or x-rays, or fill a particular prescription. Before the veterinarian would come out to tell the tech what to do, he either had the x-ray machine turned on almost ready to go, or the vials, syringe and needle ready to draw blood or had half the prescription filled. He was tuned into his incidental world. I did not have this advantage.

Incidental is informal learning. It isn't formal classroom instruction, reading regulations, directives, manuals or policies. It is all this stuff that floats around that isn't formally written. It is information that could make life easier for you that is passed on by mentors and other people. Things that cue us in to get ahead of the game and that get that edge is usually absorbed by incidental means or through informal avenues. Connecting with people in discussion, mingling, having exchanges are apart of this edge that is learned by informal events and informal learning. This is how we stay connected and respected as someone, "in the know." Missing out on these oppotunities can put a person at a real disadvantage. Peer pressure will look at them as if they do not have it together.

No one learns from classroom instruction alone. It is even said that those with Ph.D. are not  well rounded until they are out in the world. Their knowledge needs to be experimented in the real world first before they can be considered as having it. They gain their experience after receiving their Ph.D and now can be considered well rounded. Very seldom is someone who just got their Ph.D. considered well rounded in their field until they gain the experience.

The movie, "A Few Good Men" has a scene that demonstrates well that not everything we need to know is written. Tom Cruise plays Lt. Danial Kaffe. Kevin Bacon played Capt. Jack Ross. In this one scene there is a witness on the stand played by Noah Wyle named, Cpl. Jeffery Barnes. Capt. Ross asked the witness if he was familiar with the Marine Corps Outline for Recruit Training and Cpl Barnes said, "yes sir" Cpt. Ross asked, "Can you please turn to the section for code red?" Cpl. Barnes was puzzled and could not because in none of the manuals was there anything on code red. Then Lt. Kaffe came up and asked Cpl. Barnes, "Can you open this book up to the part that tells you where the mess hall is." Cpl. Barnes informs Lt. Kaffee that that isn't in the book either. Lt. Kaffee sarcastically says, "You mean to tell me the entire time you have been at Gitmo, you haven't had a meal?" Cpl. Barnes informs Lt. Kaffee that he has had three squares a day.

Although this scene is trying to prove a point that a code red could happen even if it is not in the manual, I use this as a great example in both the code red and the mess hall that these are events that are not written down. The information is passed on in other ways. When you are deaf-blind, you need to be informed of these things or you most likely will not know about them. What may seem obvious to a sighted and hearing person, may not seem obvious to a deaf-blind person.

A personal story about trying to find a mess hall, is when I went for training in South Carolina for a position I held. I came in the evening before after dinner was serve, so I hadn't been to the cafeteria. The next morning it was pitch black. I wanted to get an early start so I wouldn't be late for my first class day. Looking for breakfast was a challenge. I do not see well when it is pitch black and can be considered legally blind. The woman at the information desk, said go straight back from the back door. I asked, "Straight Back?" She said, "yes ma'am." So I went out the back door as she said and went straight back. It was dark, I could barely see anything and certainly was walking blind. Mickey had his guide dog harness on and I did as the woman said, walk straight back. After about 100 feet, I went right into a deserted building. I looked left and I look right. There was no indication of which way I should turn. I went right and went into more darkness. So I then went the other direction to see if I could find something. I was getting a big nervous as I really wanted to get to class early.

The woman who gave me the instructions how to get to the mess hall takes for granted that she can see lights at a distance and buildings at a distance. I could not. To a person with low vision literally takes straight back, as straight back. I didn't have the ability to see incidental cues to direct me to the cafeteria. I came to a point that I saw some lights, started to walk closer to them and realized as I walked up to the doors, this was the cafeteria. This detour of trying to find the cafeteria was about fifteen minutes. When you cannot see, it can be exasperating, especially when you do not want to be late on your very first day to class. You want to give a good impression. Fortunately I was early to the first day of class. I was fortunate to have Mickey with me.

Most of us may not get accurate instructions, but for a person with low vision, giving some reference points or large landmarks is extremely helpful. For me, I might not see the small subtle things or small signs that will direct me to where I'm going. Others may see the small little iron decor as a landmark, but I may not see it. Wondering to find the house with the iron silhouette of the cat. Missing these landmarks can be exasperating, while a person fully sighted doesn't think anything about it, what's wrong with you? It is so easy to find the house. If they had the same vision loss, it would have been difficult for them as well.

Those with average hearing and vision do not realize how much their incidental world connects them to informal learning. What they think is incidental is small and insignificant, but what they don't realize is this information they learned is absorbed into their brain passively that their conscious mind may not be aware they are storing this information. They have the information in their head, not realizing why they have it, but looking at a deaf-blind or in-between deaf-blind person going, don't you get it? Duh!

When a person starts reading manuals, policies or regulations, their brain is able to piece the information together by their experiences they have recorded in their brain by incidental events. It is so passive that their brain is piecing it together when they do not realize it, while getting all this input in their environment. Imagine learning a text book of science, but going out to an exploritorium, and not being able to see and hear the displays on exhibits that will enabled you to put everything you just read in the science text book together. You would struggle. Life would be abstract with little meaning. No relative experience. A deaf-blind person would rely on feeling, a different way of perceiving the science world in the exploritorium. While an in-between deaf-blind person could use a little hearing, use a little vision and use a little touching. THe person with average hearing and vision would use their hearing and vision. All three different perspectives, all three gaining different experiences, all three would have to communicate to each other in an open minded way.

People learn by relativity. If they can relate to it, they can store the information. If it doesn't make sense, it is harder for them to retain the information. Their awareness of the world around them gives them that extra glue to put it together or that extra filler to solidify the foundation of understanding. The less information you have from missing incidental events, the less you will relate to concepts and learning new things.

A deaf-blind person has to work 2-4 times harder filling in the pieces to come up with the right path to understand a concept. Getting the assistance of extra help with perhaps a key word, or someone pointing out a concept can really relieve the pressure in trying to search for something you have no idea what it is or enough keywords to search for it on the Internet. If you miss the words, you don't have the basis to do an appropriate search. This isn't an issue of not knowing how to search, it is an issue of not having access to the correct keywords to do your search. The difference between searching with one word and three words. If you never heard the other two, your search may take longer or you may never find what you need.

Finding that channel that helps you get the input of information is what at stake here, and some people just may not understand this while they stay on their frequency and judge you while they stay on their frequency, never understanding if they changed over two channels, the pathway of communication and understanding open up and then there is a win-win situation for everyone.

Helen Keller brought Deaf-blind to the world. What would you rather be, Deaf or Blind?

Helen Keller brought to the world the wonder of one person's perspective of being deaf-blind. One person asked Helen Keller, "What would you rather be, deaf or blind?" Helen Keller responded that she would rather be blind because if she could hear, she could have conversations with the people around her. She would then feel connected to her world. Helen expressed her isolation with not being able to hear.

Helen Keller was a child in the Victorian Era. An exciting time of new inventions, new way of life, catalog ordering and people starting to become more mobile. The late 1800's and early 1900's. What a time. It was a time unlike today, back then the industrial age was just getting its massive momentum. Life was changing fast. They didn't have the graphics of today, texting and TV. The telephone was just about to be invented and wasn't being used by the general people yet. Driving an automobile was a very new concept, not everyone had a car. Perhaps Helen Keller's perspective would be different today. Who knows.

Many culturally deaf individuals are proud being deaf and wouldn't change being deaf for anything. They have deaf pride. They have their deaf community and do not feel isolated from the world. They have adapted. Besides, today they have captioned TV, TTYs for the telephone, texting, the internet, sign language, speech recognition programs and much, much more. Back in the Victorian age, being deaf would be very isolating.

Having asked others about this topic, I learned different perspectives on this topic. For a deaf-blind person, giving them a choice of one disability, is like gaining one. What a concept that I actually gain something back. But in reality, I don't get to choose. I still have to deal with having both a vision and hearing loss. I still have and face the world with the challenges of the combined disability, which is unique from just having a heairng loss and just having a vision loss. They are combined, creating a different situation. It isn't a hearing loss plus a vision loss, it is more like a hearing loss times a vision loss. To me, deaf-blindness is not deaf and blind, but a whole new disability due to the complexity of the loss. If you add up the percentage of my loss, it is one whole disability plus 40%. That's almost a disability and a half. If I got to choose one over the other, I would be gaining 40% of my awareness of my world around me.

If we could choose between being deaf or being blind, lifestyle and how we live our lives will dictate which we would rather have. Playing volley ball with a team on the beach, driving down Pacific Coast Highway and being mesmorized by the sights of the ocean, the sunset and the boats, you can do being deaf. On the contrary, playing a musical instrument, listening to the radio, hearing a gentle flow of water in a creek, listening to the birds sing in the morning or at dusk are things you can do being blind. Granted, variations of these situations, you can be blind and play altered volley ball and some deaf can play instruments through vibrations, but these are unique cases. Many more blind are involved with HAM radio than deaf. Yes, there are deaf who are involved with HAM radio, but it is limited. Many blind individuals have gravitated to HAM radio as a hobby. .

I see that many of those with a hearing loss use Helen Keller's statement to make it seem that being deaf is worse than being blind, but they have never experienced a vision loss. So this is an assumption. Is being blind really easier? I had a few experiences with a hearing loss group that was extremely isolating. I felt because they could see much better, they heard better. They can see the facial expressions across the room when someone talked or read lips. For me, I had to read the live captioning, except it was hard for me to read the live captioning due to my spotty and limited vision. My eyes couldn't keep up fast enough with their conversations and I didn't have the back up of reading their faces. One of their discussions was coping with a hearing loss, missing out on conversations with other people. But when I talked about my vision loss in this respect, they looked at me as if we were talking about a different disability. They were completely clueless how my vision helps me HEAR! They took for granted how much their eyes fill in what they cannot hear.

When a person has both a vision and a hearing loss, trying to communicate within your environment, you cannot split deaf-blind. They are a unit disability. I see deaf-blindness as a disability all its own. If deaf-blind is a different disability from being hard-of-hearing, tehn being in that meeting with other folks who were hard-of-hearing only, then yes, I was talking a foriegn language to them, because being deaf-blind is different from only being hard-of-hearing. When it comes to isolation and communication, and the challenges you face, you cannot seperate deaf-blind. Having a vision loss is also isolating and you are faced with communication hurdles and barriers as well as a hearing loss. Put it together to make deaf-blind, you have a whole new set of issues that a hard-of-hearing person or a blind person doesn't experience. Deaf-blind is a unique disability that has issues with isolation and communication.

Hearing loss, vision loss and deaf-blind are literally three different disabilities. Unfortunately, the deaf-blind do not have many avenues for support other than deaf groups or blind groups. We struggle trying to fit into those groups for one reason or another. We can't see ASL that well, or can't hear the blind during their conversations in a group. For me, it was difficult to see the live captions. So these groups are only accessible to those who are for that particular disability. They claim they are "open" but that has not been my experience. Their inability to understand that having a vision loss really significantly makes communicaiton more challenging ws interesting. That they would have discussions how frustrated they would be with hearing people, just as much how I felt frustrated with them. They think hearing people need to be more open and understanding, but what about them? let's turn the tables to another disability, and they didn't understand themsevles.

The hearing loss world is complex. There are different groups within hearing loss. The later deafened group where the person became deaf later in life. There is the /hard-of-hearing group, where they have partial hearing. Then there is the culturally deaf (deaf community) group. The culturally deaf have their culture based around sign language.Then there are deaf individuals who never learned sign, but were born deaf. They a re not invovled with the deaf culture.

The deaf community is rich and they do not feel isolated from their world. Today there is captioned TV, text messaging, video phone and deaf cultured events that keep many deaf active in a rich social life. Unlike the later deafened adults, the culturally deaf feel very accepted and satisfied with their culture. They have a strong network of community. I started to learn sign and be apart of a deaf community when I was ten years old. Those who are later deafened have adjustments and challenges to make. They had a hearing life, communicating to the world by way of speech, and now it was taken away from them. They seem to not adjust as well and feel more isolated. Some adapt very well, others have their challenges.

To want to be deaf or want to be blind over the other is a preference. One isn't truly worse than the other, that is subjective and it is about the needs of each individual. I enjoy driving. I enjoy viewing and seeing our gorgeous National Parks and National Wildlife Refuges. I enjoy watching people's facial expressions, I love observing behavior in animals, I love watching a sunset. These are rich things in my life that I feel they are slipping away as my vision becomes worse. But today, I can still see natural beauty and can still at least drive in the day time. For that, I can say I'm blessed. I would prefer my vision over my hearing. But again, I don't have a choice, I have to deal with what I have and cherish what I have while I have it.

Read about others opinion what they would rather have, their vision or their hearing and they will give you their answer unique from someone else. This is becauuse it is a personal and individudal thing. It is subjective and a preference. It doesn't mean one is worse than the other, it is what it means to the person and how they live their lives. What makes their life rich. Some people are auditory learners and some are visual learners. You can't say one learning style is better than the other. It isn't, each person is an individual, and use what is best for them. So there is no answer what is worse or better to live with, it is just opinion and the person's individual choice what they would prefer.